Sorry to offend any of you but i am dying

[Guest AnxiousCarolyn]

Thank you Honey. I think i get the message in your stories there. Earlier i was so distracted i never had a ache or pain and i thought "Maybe its not Lupus" sadly though it only lasted a few secs i am 2 100% believing i have it

[Guest AnxiousCarolyn]

The way i see it is.... People gets these terrible illness's why not me? 1 in 50,000 people in the uk have Lupus i cud b one of them.

[Caramoole]

I hope that no-one is going to enter that line of debate with you, I know the OCD's arguing the toss about Lupus, I'd recommend no-one else does

Caramoole

[Guest AnxiousCarolyn]

I ache in all the places Lupus affects i am not imaging it

I can't stop pacing and breathing fast and gettin so worked up over this.

I know i have it. I can't cope i just seriously can't cope.

[Ashley]

I know i have it.

NO, this is wrong Carolyn, you do not know, you just think and the two are completely different things. And we know what is making you think you have it and that is what needs treating.

[Guest AnxiousCarolyn]

Why can't i just believe that ?

I can't take much more i feel i am going 2 crack up because i can't take the worry i just can't cope with it. I can't stop pacing and crying and i just wanna scream so much. The stress the mental torture has got 2 bad i am crackin up. I don't think i can get thru the night i just can't I am shakin so much i can barely type. Its just got 2 much. OCD or not whatever it is i just can't cope with this worry i am hystercial i don't know what 2 do.

Edited May 29, 2006 by Guest

[Guest AnxiousCarolyn]

I can't breath so anxious so scared. I really don't think i can get through the night in this state. I don't know what i exspect from u all but i just need 2 talk 2 sum 1.

Edited May 29, 2006 by Guest

[Guest SallyB]

Carolyn,

It sounds as if you are really anxious at the moment. I know that I get times like this and find that I can find things that help me calm down. Is there a cheery song that you like that you can put on and sing along to? How about a bath with your favourite smellies? Focussing on something else will really make your OCD thoughts less powerful. I find that when my OCD is really bad (it is just having a bit of a bad spell the last couple of weeks) I curl up in bed with a good book and get lost in the story. Or I have a snooze - anything to try to break the thread of the OCD. I also do cross stitch - I have to concentrate on that so hard that there isn't much room for anything else. Or I watch the birds out of the window - focussing on them helps me a heck of a lot.

I know that you are really suffering with your OCD thoughts at the moment but that is what they are - just thoughts. Finding something to do that it nice for yourself and helps you to divert your mind from them really would help. Why not try - even if you only commit yourself to 5 minutes? Or start making a list of things that you do enjoy so that you can start thinking about activities that you can have ready to hand.

You can do it.

Sally

[Caramoole]

Its just got 2 much. OCD or not whatever it is i just can't cope with this worry i am hystercial i don't know what 2 do

That's what's happened, all day you've added to the anxiety by looking up Lupus symptoms, talking about them, analysing them until your mind is petrified by them. All of these symptoms are acute anxiety caused by your OCD..

Sometimes relaxing is very difficult when you get so hyped up, exercise sometimes works better by burning off some of the adrenaline. A fast walk, or jog around the block, runing/skipping on the spot anything to burn off the anxiety.

Caramoole

[Guest AnxiousCarolyn]

I had just had a huge row with my partner i screamed and screamed cause i cannot cope with this Lupus worry and he does not understand. Hes walked as usual and left me screaming with fear on my own. I dont know why i am still here i really don't.

[Atlantis]

Carolyn - when I used to be afraid of catching AIDS, I often experienced what I thought were symptoms. Especially when my mind was obssessed with treading on needles when walking through long grass. My mind was that focused on my fear - I would actually feel sharp pains in my feet as I walked. This convinced me that I had trod on infected needles, and I would constantly scan my feet once I got in for marks etc.

I am sure that this is the OCD having a kind of psychosomatic effect on you.

[Caramoole]

Hi Carolyn,

I'm sorry it's ended in a row, I'm sure you could do without it today. Sadly, Dan has perhaps reacted in the only way he knows how to and that was by walking away.

It's as baffling for partners as it is for the sufferer sometimes. He's right not to reassure you but he probably just doesn't know what to do instead.

Caramoole

[Guest hayley73]

Carolyn what do you expect the poor bloke to do? If he thought there was anything pysically wrong with you don't think he would have had you up the doctors by now? He is frustrated Carolyn. I know you are scared. But, if you don't start to help yourself with this now you are only going to get worse. Do you want to end being Sectioned under the Mental Health Act. Then you will be put in a hospital whether you like it or not. Decide now to turn this thing around. ONLY YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry if I sound harsh. But you cannot reason with OCD. The quicker you accept this fact the better you will feel.

As I said in previous posts I probably to have Lupus. So what am I gonna do? Scream, cry and make myself and my family upset? NO, I WILL CARRY ON AS NORMAL and deal with things if and when they come up. What choice will I have? Curl up in a ball and die? I DON'T THINK SO. I would never give anything that much power!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Guest FobicFairy]

Carolyn,

I think you need to stress to the nurse that you need to see a doctor asap, not for Lupus, but to tell him how youve been this last few days and the problems you are having because of your thoughts.

You need help with your OCD, the doctor could do tests for Lupus, but then is your OCD going to focus on a different illness instead?

I think the OCD is the priority, you can't carry on in this state and taking the pain killers, you are going to end up damaging your body. Please ring and ask for help tomorrow and tell the GP everything about the meds youve been taking and how anxious you are. The GP needs to realise how bad you are with anxiety and that you have been hysterical with fear.

I don't think you have Lupus, like I said in a previous message, if you read those family health books you will find you have most of the symptoms of many of the nasty illnesses, thats why you should avoid reading them if your OCD tends to focus on health issues. Don't feed your OCD with information it can use against you.

FF

[Guest PrincessJenna]

I have kept quiet during most of this but I do now feel I have to add my 2 pennies worth.

In my years of having OCD I have had every illness, mental and physical known to mankind. Everything from Lupus to Multiple Sclerosis, strokes, heart attacks, HIV, Herpes, Cancer of just about every kind. For years it ran my life. I went from doctor to doctor just convinced no one was believing me.

It turns out I do have a very real illness, OCD.

Carolyn, from the posts of yours I have read you seem to go in waves of this hysteria of illness and sucidal urges. It becomes all consuming until the point where you can no longer function. No matter what anyone here says you have an answer as to why we are wrong. So I have what I feel is a very legitimate question, Do you want help for your OCD? Do you even in fact recognize that what you are describing is text book OCD? Or do you believe that you do not have OCD just this plethor of other illness'?

I ask these things not to be cruel or harsh but as someone who was completly homebound and non-functioning due to similar thoughts that is now employed and working quite diligently to overcome my OCD. Some of the hardest things I had to face was do I really want help with my OCD or do I just want to go on existing with the fear. It was a very hard choice as the fear was all I had known.

Yes, You can tell me how you have all of the symptoms and fit the profile of someone with Lupus. I can bet quite a few of the women here do. But the very first thing you have to do is calm down and deal with imminent crisis of your OCD. Even if you did by rare chance have another condition no one would be able to help in the state you are in.

You have to get this under control. Take a good look at what you are allowing the OCD to do to you and make your decisions. Do you want to get well or not?

Again I am sorry if this is harsh and if too harsh mods feel free to remove it but I just felt I had to say something.... sorry.

~jenna

[Guest Sammyhostie]

Hi Shar,

Im not Jenna but i really relate to her post. I also have health anxiety OCD, and the way ive overcome it to the extent that it dosent rule my life anymore, is by accepting it.

I have palpitations and some other symptoms of anxiety, and whist ebfore i over analyzed every symptom i now accept it, reevaulate it, arefocus and move on. Basically the 4 steps out of Brain Lock, which we also worked on in my CBT course.

Its so hard when its illness related because it seems so real, but CBT and a very supportive, loving and understanding partner helped me to do this.

xx

[Guest Stella]

Hi Carolyn

Did you manage to get a GP appointment?

Stella :original:

[Guest AnxiousCarolyn]

Last night was total hell. My partner and I had a row and i was sceaming for several hours and trying 2 convince everyone i do have Lupus. I barely slept last night and i have woken up this mornin feelin sick with anxiety. I ache and have shoots of pain in my fingers wrists knees and ankles all the main areas that Lupus affects. I spoke 2 the nurse this mornin who asked me questions about symptons that are connected with Lupus so i am more scared now maybe she thinks i have it 2. I have an appointment 2 see my own doctor tomorrow at 3pm and she knows all bout my OCD and my worries over illness's and she also has took me seriously about my worries in the past and arranged a blood test when i thought i had liver damage. I just hope she will test me 4 Lupus. I don't believe this can end until i know.

Edited May 30, 2006 by Guest

[Guest Stella]

Hi carolyn

I'm sorry your night was so horrendous and that you had a row with your partner. I'm really pleased that you managed to get to see your own GP tomorrow though.

Try not to worry now (I know that's far easier said than done with OCD!)- discuss everything with your GP tomorrow - she sounds like she will be really helpful and make sure you get the help you need.

Take care

Stellax :original:

[Guest FobicFairy]

Hi Carolyn,

The nurse has to be thorough and do a test really, it's her job. But when you get the results back you really need to get help with your OCD, have you asked about CBT?

FF

[Guest AnxiousCarolyn]

CBT is not an option 4 me at the moment. I can't take the risks and test my OCD i just can't do it so there 4 i have been told theres no benefit in me havin CBT at the mo. I have had CBT before for about 6 months and it made me worse that i started makin excuses 2 not go ie i was ill etc because every session was a nightmare the guy was a nutter aswell.

As for my appointment with my doctor tomorrow i know she will try and persuade me its nothing but i am goin 2 tell her i need a lupus test not just 4 my health but for my mind too the worry is killin me.

Somehow i have 2 get through 2 day another 27 hours until i see the doc and i just don't know if i can cope. The worry is so bad i am feelin constantly sick and unable 2 eat. I even joinned a Lupus message board yesterday thinkin i was one of them now. I go through moments of the day when the worry gets so overwhelmin that i just burst into episodes of screamin. I am scared so seriously scared.

[Guest Sammyhostie]

Hi Carolyn,

I know what you mean about not being able to face the OCD. I honestl was at the end of my tether OCD wise when i went to CBT, i was so ill from being so anxious and i was so scared about talking about it and facing it, in case i had a heart attack etc. That scares me still just writing that.

But I did, and it was so hard, but it is worth it and I promise you after you become de-sensitized to it it is so much easier to live, and slowly you do relax. You can ask for a different counselling psychologist, they told me that if i didnt get on with them there was no point as i wouldnt achieve anyhting. Why dont you ask for a different CBT group?

Also i think you call you doctor and ask for a more urgent appointment. You cant wait 3 days in the way you are at the moment. Mental health emergencies are every bit as important as physical emergencies.

xx

[Guest AnxiousCarolyn]

Everywhere i read it says Lupus is a younger womens disease and occurs around this age if you have any of these symptons you could have Lupus etc. Is this just trying to scare me or is this reality check. I got the symptons last Tuesday i have them a week now is it possible 2 just get Lupus on a random day last week? I can't find anything about how it starts. I just need 2 find sum fink that will help me relax and stay calm until 2morrow until i see my doctor.

I don't think there are any CBT groups round here i have asked about groups b 4 there is none. I still have not heard from my psychiatrist its been 4 weeks now and he was suppose 2 b in touch after a week or 2 no good phonin him he never returns calls or letters. Its a sitting and waiting gam. I am not seein my CPN until the end of June as shes away again i don't see her enough but i do get on with her when i do. I have no 1 else so at the mo i feel so unsupported. At the mo i am seein no one until the end of June.

Edited May 30, 2006 by Guest

[Guest Sammyhostie]

I think that the info on this site is feeding your OCD, and as the OCD knows this Lupus thing is your weakness at the moment, it is providing ammo for it, in true OCD style.

I think if you did have Lupus then you would feel very ill all the time, not just on certain days. Also it would have been there for a while, not just come on one day. And plus it would defo have shown up in your test results, as a full blood count looks at every function in your body.

On the blood result sheet it would have said your level, then in brackets next to it it says the normal levels. All of your levels must have been in the normal range, as there hasnt been any other action taken.

xx

[Guest AnxiousCarolyn]

Yeh i keep thinkin that 2 but i just can't help also thinkin about how rough i have felt through aches pains for the last week even though i have reduced my exercise. All i keep thinkin about is bein in the age risk group for Lupus and having these symptons.

I am feeling very very sick 2 day and faint i have taken way 2 many paracetamol again i stopped and started. I really don't feel well but i haven't got the courage 2 phone anyone.

Edited May 30, 2006 by Guest