Jump to content

new member says hello


Guest Step by Step

Recommended Posts

Guest Ruth Marshall

Evening all

I'm the girlfriend of a (fantastic) guy with OCD and decided I had to do something proactive for myself after a less than perfect week's holiday, which has rather forced me to confront the fact that I'm finding his condition more difficult than I let myself admit. I'm about to move in with him and am horrified that a 'bad week' has left me scared that I'm making a mistake and I won't be able to cope. At the same time I feel desperately guilty that I let myself show that I find some of his behaviour very difficult to cope with and that he may well be thinking that I am about to leave him, or postpone the move, because it's too hard. He's even suggested holding off for a bit as he can see I'm not sure, which breaks my heart (precisely because he's right.) He's incredibly supportive of me when I get overwrought or upset about something (I'm the original negative thinker) and in many ways he props me up more than I support him. But this stuff grinds you down...!

My boyfriend is aware that he has a form of OCD. He had a period of therapy for what seems like a related nervous collapse many years ago but doesn't see anyone now. Since the illness he's completed a PhD, held down a challenging and long hours' job, developed what I hope is largely an excellent relationship with his equally challenging and long-hours girlfriend, and basically lives a completely normal life in all but the most minute respects. He's incredibly kind, supportive, funny, intelligent and affectionate and I love him to bits. In some ways it seems trivial to complain about 'the small stuff' - but on the cusp of moving in, I'm wondering whether I can manage not to get ratty and, I'm afraid to say, embarrassed, about some of the things he does.

It's usually tiny, everyday things - washing his hands more than 'normal', taking handwipes everywhere, watching for stains on the pavement, going to the doctor more often than other people might over 'small' things that never turn out to be serious, constantly picking at his hands then putting plasters on even though he hasn't drawn blood, playing around with his food (despite being pretty good about trying new things) that grind me down because I can't help but find them irritating or embarrassing in front of others. Sometimes he gets very anxious and upset and panicky - the most extreme occasion being very early in our relationship when I absent-mindedly patted a homeless person's dog which made him feel very threatened and 'unclean'. It's those extreme episodes that, oddly, I find easier to cope with, because I can see how unhappy he is and just want to make him feel better. It's the more mundane everyday things that I find harder.

We've talked about it and our 'agreed stance' is that I'll respect that he worries about things, and I'll hug him all night if he gets upset about something, but I won't agree to share his concerns. So if he doesn't want to eat something, or wants to wash his hands more often than I would, that's fine, but I'm not prepared to follow suit. That kind of works, though I'm aware that my 'bit of dirt does you good' approach to life does make him stressed. But I'm aware that I'm starting to adopt some of his habits instinctively to fit in and that, after a week away when the unfamiliar surroundings made him much more stressed than usual, that my patience, not great at the best of times, is being stretched. I am convinced his father is similar and that a lot of this has been picked up in the family, but perhaps I'm being an amateur psychiatrist.

After our holiday I did suggest that he contact his therapist again, but left it for him to think about and make his mind up.

Any tips? I realise that many of you, or your family and friends, have much more serious manifestations of this condition and that you may think I'm being outrageously unsympathetic. I apologise if that's the case. But any advice on how not to 'sweat the small stuff' would be much appreciated!

Thanks

Ruth

PS one practical request- I think I should change my screen name as my boyfriend would be very upset if he found I'd been on here. But I can't work out how to do it! Anyone know?!!!

Link to comment
Guest Buckeye

Living with OCD is not a easy task. No relationship is easy, but an OCD relationship can be very trying. Make sure you know exactly what you are getting into. IMO, understand that he has OCD and it is not easy to live with. Don't hold it against him because he would rather not have the OCD.

I would do my best not to cater to his OCD. It only strengthens it. A OCD fix has to be a personal fix. You can encourage good ideas and support him, but you cannot fix OCD.

Link to comment

Hello Ruth and welcome to the forum,

I thought your post was both sensitive and honest, your boyfriends ocd sounds similar to my sons....I empathise when you say its the small mundane stuff that irritates. I think if we are all honest about it, it is natural to feel both irritated and frustrated by ocd, it can be so illogical at times.

My son has been having CBT (which is shortly about to end) and has improved a lot, so much so in fact that I almost (almost you understand) forget he has ocd, and I make mistakes, touch something I shouldn't. I found his ocd very difficult to handle when he was first diagnosed, so much so in fact I became very depressed myself, and had to have quite a long time off work, so I can appreciate your concerns, however from your post I get the impression that you are able to discuss the situation with your boyfriend, and he does seem to be aware of your difficulties with ocd. Moving in with someone can be stressful without the added complication of ocd, all you can do is carry on being honest and open with each other about it.

Good luck to both of you

Sue x

p.s. there is a lot of information on this site, the more knowledge you have about ocd the better, there are several good books around too, although the ones I have are mainly in relation to parent and child relationships, I am sure someone on here will be able to recommend some books.

Edited by Guest
Link to comment

Hi Ruth. I recently joined the forum when my Husband was diagnosed. We have been together for 9 years and I would say that for the past three years he has been changing and OCD crept up on him, it now has complete hold of him and he is really struggling.

It sounds like you love your boyfriend to bits, and I can say that the love you have for him will give you the strength to support him. If anything I love my husband more now because when he gets overtaken by OCD and goes into 'OCD World' i miss him very much, when he gets back to his normal self I want to jump for joy and find myself telling him how great he is!

I think that you have a difficult choice to make regarding moving in together. I have had moments when I lose my temper and we argue, but generally he tells me that I am 'his rock' and that I keep him going. This makes me more determined to help him fight OCD and I really feel confident that he can beat it.

If you move in together then be prepared to take the rough with the smooth, it will be hard but if you want to beat it then just use the 'good days' as confidence boosters.

My husband moved me out of the 'main' bedroom about a month ago, although I was offended and hurt at first, I now find that having my own space does help and I get to go and scream into a pillow without alarming him. Perhaps if you move in together then you could start by having your own room?

Let us know what happens.

Link to comment
Guest tangoblu

Hi Ruth and welcome to the forum :a1_cheesygrin:

As the others have said OCD can be difficult to live with but with support and determination, patience and knowledge of the condition you can work together to fight it.

You have exactly the right attitude - don't accommodate or fall into the trap (if you can) of performing rituals like hand washing to make you boyfriend 'feel better' - it is a cruel to be kind attitude but confronting and facing OCD fears is the only way to combat it.

I would recommend you learn as much as you can about OCD so you are equipped and in a position to help your boyfriend help himself... make sure you have time for yourself and if you canretain some independence.

Confrontation and stress can make OCD flare up or worsten but if you are armed with knowledge of the condition it helps - you will never really know what it is like for him or an OCD sufferer.

The main OCD-UK website has masses of information and the people here are really supportive :a1_cheesygrin:

Take care

Pam

Link to comment

Hi Ruth

just wanted to welcome you and say how touched I was by your message. You obviously care for your boyfriend very much and he is lucky to have you.

Hang in there girl

Cate

x

Link to comment
  • 2 weeks later...
Guest Step by Step

Thank you, you're all lovely and I appreciate your warm messages. Have put my flat up for rent so the move is going ahead. I feel much more confident about it now after a couple of calmer weeks back at home after the holiday. Wish me luck! (PS note I have now changed my screen name for better anonymity, but I'm still here.)

SbS

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...