Grief

[Guest Kitty]

It has taken me a long time to pluck up the courage to make this post, so forgive me if I ramble or don't make much sense.

Two weeks ago today my Grandad died - it was very sudden and unexpected - and since it happened I don't know who I am or what I am anymore. In the immediate aftermath I was naturally in shock and ran on adrenaline for the following ten days or so right up to the funeral which was last Friday.

It was the first funeral I had ever been to and the first time I had really remembered a close relative dying. Even on the morning of the funeral, nothing felt real and I feel as though I got through the day almost too well. I have cried, but only on my own and not in front of my Mum or Dad or Grandma. The same can be said of my parents. Even in the crematorium I just sat forward in my seat looking at the coffin and feeling unable to show any emotion.

All of a sudden, last Sunday afternoon I felt really really tired, and as though I had lead in my limbs - I felt so heavy I just lay on my bed all evening and couldn't do anything. Since then I've been feeling ok one minute and then 'not-with-it' the next. I'm kind of wondering whether the events of the last fortnight still haven't hit me properly and I'm scared that sometime soon I'm going to lose it and I don't want to do that. My Grandad had said a while ago that if he was to die then we weren't to mourn or feel sad, we had to get on with our lives. That's what I'm kind of trying to do, but I feel....well, just weird about everything I guess.

Will it hit me eventually, or have I just coped a lot better than I thought? I don't know. I guess I just need some advice.

Thank you :crybaby:

Queeniexx

[Northern Star]

Dear Queenie,

huge (((hugs))) for you

I'm so sorry about your Grandad. I can relate a little to what you're saying as my Gran died a couple of months ago. It was different in that she'd been ill and was deteriorating but like you, hers was the first funeral I'd ever been to, and she was the first close relative I remember dying. I too find it hard to cry in front of family and tried to stop myself.

I'm no expert on grief and bereavement and can only speak from my own experience, which is that everyone copes with it in different ways. Some people take longer to "get over it" than others. Everyone's different and there is no "right" way to grieve. Even though she died in April, I still wonder if it's hit me properly. Obviously we've had the funeral and everything but I still sometimes find myself thinking as if she were still alive e.g. I'll be in a shop and think, oh I should buy that for her, she'll like it. Take all the time you need to grieve, don't worry about there being any "right" or "wrong" way to grieve and feel free to pm me if I can help any more or if you just want to chat.

Take care of yourself

[Guest Hypnosinc]

Hi Queenie,

So sorry to hear about your loss, the grief will come through eventually. Often, especially if the death was unexpected, there is such a hotch-potch of emotions going on, that the real grieving can't start immediately. When my father died, several years ago, it was a good six months before it really hit me. I think I just felt numb for a while, and like you not really sure what my emotions were. It actually caught up with me while I was on a day-trip, and we visited a Cistercian Abbey in Gloucester. Not the best place to break down, but the monks were very understanding.

It will come, and you have to let it come. Grieving is a natural process. If you try to tough it out, there can be a psychological backlash further down the road, but it usually takes care of itself, and when the time is right you will feel ok about it.

Someone greater than you or I said "Don't weep for the dead, weep only for yourselves." It is a totally natural and healing part of dealing with the loss.

[Guest Deb]

Hi Queenie,

Sadly I lost my own grandmother just before Christmas, although she had been ill for a short time, it was a tremendous shock.

I think grief is a very individual thing, we all get through it in our own way. Give yourself the time and space to work through how you are feeling.

Sooner or later it is likely that the feelings will hit you all at once, thats what happens with many. I'ts perfectly normal and understandable, so don't try to hide from how your feeling. Just be gentle with yourself and aknowledge your emotions so that in time things will get easier. Grief is very painful, but trying not to deal with it will only store up problems for you.

More big hugs for you Queenie,

Take very special care of yourself.

Deb

[Guest Kitty]

I'd just like to say a big 'Thank You' to you guys for your support and understanding. It means such a lot to me. Thanks for taking the time to read my post and reply to me. :crybaby: I've been very up and down today with one thing and another, so I'm sorry for not getting in touch sooner. But 'Thank You'...

Take care everyone

Queeniexx

[Stephen]

Hi Queenie

My grandma died some years ago now. Now she was a super grandma, I was fairly close to her, and had helped her in a small way through a fairly long illness, and yet I don't think I ever cried for her, even at the funeral. I was a little puzzled about this for a long time. I wondered too if the grief would come later, but I don't think it did. I just look back at her life with pleasure and good memories.

Like someone else said, people take these things in an individual way. Don't feel any pressure to grieve in a particular way, or that you're in any way 'abnormal'. Just remember your grandad how you want to remember him.

My sympathies in your loss.

Take care

Stephen

[Ashley]

Just remember your grandma how you want to remember her.

My sympathies in your loss.

Her Grandma is still alive.

Somebody did not read the thread fully did one

[Stephen]

Ooooooppps well spotted Ashie.

I have now edited my post. Perhaps you wouldn't mind removing this current post and the one in which you corrected me Ashie, in case Queenie hasn't spotted this yet.

Thanks

Stephen

[Guest Kitty]

Queenie had spotted it, actually....

But thanks for editing your original post, Stephen.

Queenie

[Stephen]

So sorry Queenie

[Guest Kitty]

I guess I thought that one week after making my original post I'd do a kind of update 'cos a few things have happened since then.

Today we got the call from the Crematorium to say that we need to arrange another service to scatter my Grandad's ashes. I hadn't realised it was going to take so long for it to happen, but we have to call them back to arrange a time. In theory it shouldn't be like the funeral, but there will be a priest there to say prayers etc.

Also, since my first post, my Grandma has made the first visit to our house since he died - and it was so strange to see her sitting on the sofa and him not being there next to her. I just felt cold.

But something else has been troubling me as well. Just over the last few nights I have had a few strange dreams. The first one I had I was sitting in my lounge at home just reading a book and when I looked up my Grandad was sat in the chair beside me. Nothing happened at first and I remember I felt quite shocked at seeing him there, so I just said 'I thought you were dead' and he looked at me and said 'No I'm not, I'm still here'. Then my dream kind of changed into something else, but when I woke up it was the first thing I thought about.

Then a couple of days ago I had another, similar dream - but this time I was round at their house and I walked into their lounge and remember panicking cos the house was in darkness but I knew they were in there. I switched the light on and he was sat in his armchair asleep. I went over to him and shook him and he woke up and said to me 'It was a mistake, I'm still alive and with you'. This second dream freaked me out more and I keep thinking about it.

Anyway, I'm not religious in any way, but I don't know what to make of it at all - I guess it must just be my subconscious playing tricks on me. I'd like to think he was with me, but I know he isn't and that he has gone.

I'm sorry for the length of the post, but I needed to sort of get it all written down to see if it helped me or not.

Thanks for reading all this

Queeniexx

[Guest Kitty]

Another update.

We held the final service today. We scattered my Grandad's ashes in the Garden of Remembrance and said our final goodbyes.

We all coped quite well, in the end - though I wobbled a little when I saw the funeral urn and we were walking into the gardens.

Anyway, it really is all over with now. I miss him so much, and don't want to get too maudlin about it all - but it's been another strange day.

Queeniexx

[Ashley]

I miss him so much,

Maybe you can give him what he would really of wanted......

You to be healthy and happy.

That would be the best gift of rememberance you coudl give him.

[Guest Kitty]

I'm going to really try my hardest to get my life back on track now. I know what I have to do.

[Guest FobicFairy]

Hi Queenie,

I don't usually read the other boards but just spotted this thread. I am so sorry about your grandad, it must have been a terrible shock.

My grandad died when I was in my late teens, I wept a little at the service but feel fine about it all now. I think it's very true about time being a great healer, eventually sad thoughts are replaced with fond memories. Until then just be kind to yourself and don't worry about your feelings, just go with the flow and carry on as best you can.

A very big squishy hug to you.

Jules xx

[Guest Kitty]

Aw thanks, Jules . It means such a lot to me that people have replied to me to express their condolences and support.

I'd like to send each and every one of you a ((hug)) to say 'Thanks'.

Queeniexx

[Northern Star]

Sorry if I'm hijacking your thread here Queenie...but what I'm going to say is on the subject of grief and so sort of fits in here...

As some of you may or may not be aware I've not really 'got over' my gran's death, despite the fact she died more than 4 months ago now. I suppose when you've spent more than 17 years knowing each other and seeing each other most days then 4 months isn't really that long. Anyways I woke up this morning from a dream about her in which everything was like it was before we knew she was ill. She was her usual adorable self and we were all there and oh I dunno what I'm trying to say, just that I want to be with her and it all seems so unfair. I wish I could just go and visit her right now, wherever she was, hospital or wherever.

[catherine]

Hi northern star

I think it's so natural to feel this way when someone you love so much has died, and 4 months is no time. In fact I wonder if it ever chahges. My dear mum died over 3 years ago and I've never stopped missing her. Sometimes I say I'd give anything just to have 5 minutes back with her and give her the biggest hug ever. I wouldn't say I'm a particularly religious person, but I do believe in an after life and that one day I will be back with mum. Boy, what a day that will be!

But in my everyday life I constantly talk to mum and I do feel she is still watching over me. When I face a problem the first thing I think is 'what would mum say'. I have drawn enormous strength from mum since she died and feel I have grown as a person. She remains my role model and inspiration even more so in her death. I try and stay strong for her.

Like with my mum, it sounds like you had a wonderful relationship with your gran and the wonderful thing is that you can draw peace and comfort from the fact you were such good friends. There are few regrets and your memories are happy ones. Sometimes I think that the people who must really struggle are those who do have regrets, who maybe never expressed their love during lifetime.

When someone is ill or dies I ask mum to 'look after' them and I believe she does. Like your gran, she won't just suddenly stop being a good person! Let your gran be your inspiration in life. Think of her being 'just around the corner' and remember it's OK to talk with her and discuss your problems. Treasure your good times together, no one can ever take those away from you.

But don't be hard on yourself and think you 'should be over it now'. I have come to the conclusion I'll always miss mum and long to hold her. But then so be it! In a funny sort of way I wouldn't want to stop missing her (if you get what I mean). She is my absolute rock in life and this does not stop just because she's no longer on this earth. I just strive to be the kind of person mum was and that has become my mission. I keep her alive inside me and you can do that with your gran.

Keep talking about your gran and remember her and laugh with her. You will have bad days, but that is the time to come on here and let us help you through.

Take heart and to quote a cliche, 'the darkest hour is always before the dawn'

Catherine

[Guest Kitty]

Hi NS

Please don't apologise - you haven't hijacked the thread, I'm glad you felt you could your feelings in it.

It was 9 weeks ago yesterday since I lost my Grandad.

Anyways I woke up this morning from a dream about her in which everything was like it was before we knew she was ill. She was her usual adorable self and we were all there and oh I dunno what I'm trying to say, just that I want to be with her and it all seems so unfair

This has happened to me a lot. Very often I will have a dream in which my Grandad appears - he is well and back to how I always remember him. When I wake up I feel elated for a moment or two because it seems real, then I realise it isn't and I feel crushed again. I miss him so much and wish I could talk to him again to tell him what's happening in my life. The dreams are really all part of the grieving process and a very natural thing.

In the great scheme of things, as Catherine says - four months is no time at all, especially when it's someone you were so close to and thought the world of. You'll always remember them - and you'll always feel sad that they're no longer with you, but (as corny as it sounds) time is a great healer. As time goes by the more upsetting memories will fade and you'll be left with the fond ones that make you smile. She will always be with you - as no-one can take memories from you.

NS - please take good care of yourself, if you need to talk to me at anytime you know you can always PM me

Loads of luv from

Queens

x

[Northern Star]

Thank you Catherine and Queenie. Your posts were both very beautiful and touching

[Guest Kitty]

Well, I guess this post kinda follows on from NS's post earlier on in the week.

I think it's my turn to have a wobble again now .

I've not really been sleeping that well just over the last few weeks. I feel like I have way too much stuff going on in my head that I can't deal with. Not all of it is related to my bereavement I don't think, but it's certainly not helping. I don't seem to be coping with it as well as everyone else is at home.

Anyway, last night was particularly bad. I went to bed feeling tired and as though I would be able to sleep but once again couldn't. All I can remember about when I did actually sleep was being plagued by this really disturbing dream about being in a crematorium (I'm really sorry if this is offending anyone). I don't want to go into too much detail about it, but I know that also as part of the dream my Grandad was there too. It really upset me, and while I don't feel so bad about it now - I think I just needed to vent a bit and write it down.

I don't know what to do about all of this. I miss him and I don't know what to do. My earlier post seems like it was made by a different person, and I don't understand why

Q

x

[catherine]

Hi Queenie

I think there's nothing worse than having disturbing dreams. They seem so real and yet you are utterly powerless to do anything about them. I tend to feel really quite depressed and 'out of sorts' if I've had a bad night and it's horrible. You get even more tired and so the vicious cycle continues.

I can only say that I find it helps to talk about the person/people you I am missing. With me it's my mum and I find it helps to chat to my sister about mum and all the things I do miss. We also inevitable get onto something humourous that my mum did and we will laugh together at the memory. It may sound odd but I like laughing about our past as it brings back good memories and somehow mum feels that little bit closer.

It's OK to feel emotions over your gran and grandad and just let them happen even if you cry. But if possible don't be alone as I think you need to have someone around to pick up the pieces and comfort you. It's really hard but don't keep it all bottled up. If you want to talk on this board that's fine and I'm sure no one will be offended or upset. I know if I ever see a post or topic I really can't handle then I leave it to other folk who are OK with it. So anyone who may not like to chat about grief will I'm sure respect the posts but simply elect to to get involved.

Do whatever you need to do to get through this awful time. Stay in, go out, whatever it takes is the right thing to do.

We will be here for you

Catherine

[catherine]

So anyone who may not like to chat about grief will I'm sure respect the posts but simply elect to to get involved

.

Sorry, meant to say 'elect not to get involved' !

C

[Guest Kitty]

Catherine

Thank you so much for your reply. It means such a lot .

You are right, talking about it does help. We have spoken about my Grandad a great deal - we've laughed and shared our sad memories too, it's just that sometimes it gets to me more than others, which I know is all part of the process of grieving. I think today has just been a blip. I hope.

Thank you, once again!

Q

x

[Northern Star]

Hi Queenie,

(((hugs))) for you.

I'm not sure I can really add anything to Catherine's post

Are you seeing a counsellor at all? I don't know if you'd want to or not but maybe they could help you while you're struggling like this. Of course you can always come and talk to us lot on here

Feel free to PM me if I can help you at all Queenie, even if you just want to vent and get things off your chest.

Take care