What benefits are there to not wanting to get better?

[Guest sweetie]

Something I read on the forum about someone else made me think that perhaps I don't really want to get better.

This keeps going round in my mind at the moment.

Why would I not want to get better?

If I don't could it be that I am not willing to put the work in to get better?

Could it be that I'm just afraid of having to be 'normal' and be as responsible as everyone else who is supposedly well and 'normal'. Am I using this as an excuse?

Is it because I feel as if I don't deserve to be well?

Or is it because I've been like this for so long that I don't think change is possible?

Or is it the OCD telling me all this?

Or could it be that I am actually not ill at all?

I am really confused about this. Does anyone else think along these lines? And end up going round in circles?

I gave in a minute ago and phoned a help-line. I feel really weak and attention seeking for doing that now. I'm scared that this could get out of hand. Was feeling pretty desperate last night analysing everything. Would just like some peace. Anyone relate?

[Guest acliffe]

Hey ya sweetie, i kinda feel the same but i don't really go in circles, because i've be secretly dealin with OCD since i was a kid i have avoided most things in my life through just fear of it etc etc, the things i've avoided i do do but it takes me a very long time and with abit of pressure from my fiancee, and because of that i've settled in to my OCD filled life, and i just get on with it as best as i can, i'm in the mind set of "i dont wanna get better cause i've been living like this for about 15 years so why can't i live like this forever" i know it sounds very sad, but i just find it more comfortable to live like this, and i try to stay away from things i know will cause panic attacks.

In response to CC:

"If someone was to give us a magic pill and say "hey, take this pill and all this will go away. You will not obsess over intrusive thoughts. You will not engage in compulsive behaviour. You will not worry or be afraid anymore. You will live that carefree life that you have always craved". Would any one of us refuse that pill? I think not. "

*sorry i dont know how to do the quote thingy hehe*

This is just my view of what you said but if i was offered that pill, i would say no to it, purely on the fact that OCD is what makes me who i am and i feel if it was taken away i would be very different which is what i dont want, which sounds very strange through all the suffering i've been through :dry:

[Guest purrfect]

I have thought about this a lot too, but I once lived in a "bubble", a hermetically (sp?) sealed world and It didn't make things any easier.

At least life isn't dull.

[Mel1971]

hello alan

please hear me out...dont you ever want to have one true real thought????

i know i would..and believe me i know that easy for me to say not having ocd, but i have 14 years experience of living with a husband with ocd....and he would love to know his true self and his true thoughts, but he hasnt had one for 25 years not since he was 10.

take care,

melissa xxx

[Guest sweetie]

Thanks Cc

I'm feeling very guilty about just about everything at the moment. If I wasn't such a scaredy cat putting an end to it would be very very tempting right now. I'm so sorry for the life I've lived and for the way I am.

[Guest purrfect]

I'd take the pill, but I'd be thankful that as I have had OCD it has hopefully made me a thoughtful person and I hope caring (not that I'm saying you have to have OCD to be this way, mel1971 is living proof of that you don't have to have it to be caring and supportive).

[Mel1971]

Awww purrfect, i am blushing!!!

i think that ocd make sufferers more sensitive, caring, nuturing and loving..as i have said before and i wouldnt be without my dear hubby, but i would love to kick his ocd into touch, or hurt it really badly!!!

i know i couldnt have met anyone better for me than my husband, hes very affectionate and caring, i am the one who is very lucky..

the one thing that is brilliant about all the people i have met here on the forum is that they are really lovely caring people, and so genuine, which in this world is very refreshing!!

so to all of you, thank you

love

melissa xxx

[Guest acliffe]

Mel1971, you make a very good point and i have to fully agree with you that everyone on here are the most caring and loving people i've ever meet in my life, i'm really sorry to hear about your husband, my thoughts are with him, and your a very lucky person to have him and he's a very lucky person to have such a caring person as you.

But the way i see it if you've never really had it (true real thought) will you ever miss it?? (hope that makes sense)

Edited December 4, 2006 by Guest

[Mel1971]

hello alan

and thankyou for your nice words, we actually had a bit of break through the other night, we had to go back out in the car (after he comes home and locks the car he hates going out again) we had forgotten some groceries, and i thought it would be a good exposure exercize

he didnt want to do it, but he said and i kind of quote 'theres now two voices in my head, one is telling me i have to stay here or something dreadful will happen, but a very small part of me is doubting that something dreadful will happen"

i burst into tears i was so pleased!!! that voice was his true thoughts dismissing the ocd, it only happened that one time but i made a fuss of him (its the mummy in me) and told him how proud i was - hes never doubted his ocd thoughts before, hes always been unable to see that nothing will happen if he doesnt do the ritual ..

i didnt get too optimistic because i knew the ocd would get him back for it, and it did - later that night - but hes making progress, and he really liked hearing that other voice!! He had a wonderful sense of achievement.

i hope this makes sense alan,

love melxxx

[Guest inorbit]

Hey Sweetie,

Sorry to hear you had a bad time yesterday .

Everyone deals with their problems in different ways, even people who don't have OCD have different tolerences to stressful situations etc. I think you do want to get better but because you're stressed, have alot on your mind and are probably racked with self doubt (i'm assuming here) that it just seems too tough to progress and easier to just be how you are now....hence not wanting to fight to get back in control.

I have sort of the same issuse, at least sometimes, although i'm sure my symptoms are fairly mild still compared to alot of sufferers - they've caused me so much hassle, and still do that i'm trying to sort myself out properly before i get too old and to stop them from getting worse.

I tend to do similar over jobs.....i'm always full of self doubt - even over easy jobs where i feel i'll not be any good....but easier jobs with no responsibility appeal more at the moment then pushing myself for better as that seems tough at the moment and it seems easier just to stay as i am applying for jobs which i should have passed really....

I know it's maybe not the best example, but hopefully you'll see some sort of connecition that it's a state of mind where everything seems hopeless and you're full of self doubt, low self esteem etc, but you need to remember that you are worth fighting for!...

I hope you get some success to get yourself started and lift you up...i think you just need a kick-start as starting is always the hardest!..

Take Care

JC