Challenge Club-Merged Threads

[determination987]

That's fantastic @L.M.. Breaking it up definitely works better for me too. 

I'm having a bit of a blip today. I feel like I was over confident in how well I was doing and after a conversation with a friend, I was triggered and started to go down old paths. I did realise though and whilst I'm feeling anxious and have that raw feeling in my chest, I have decided to go for a walk and to try the challenge of picking that book up tonight. I keep putting it off so I'm determined to give it a go. 

[L.M.]

22 hours ago, determination987 said:

I did realise though and whilst I'm feeling anxious and have that raw feeling in my chest, I have decided to go for a walk and to try the challenge of picking that book up tonight. I keep putting it off so I'm determined to give it a go. 

Lovely! And I saw in the achievements thread you were able to pick up that book!

I think for today's challenge I will try to include more of my new clothes in a regular wash. I keep getting intrusive thoughts about them and contamination issues so that will be a good next step I think. I can feel a lot of the resistance now in even just saying that, but I will do my best!

On the cognitive side of things, I will try to refocus on the benefits of facing up to these fears. Namely

• having new, much needed, clothes
• taking another step toward freedom from ocd
• helping it to face my other fears and challenges of ocd

And to balance out the challenge of the day I will include nice self-care things. I will be going on a run, which is one of my favorite things!

[L.M.]

Just working through my challenge for the day. Feeling pretty bad and anxious.

But I know I have to do this.

One story that keeps popping into my head as I work through this is 'which wolf are you going to feed?'

If you don't know the story, it's a good one to google. I think it's called The Story of Two Wolves. I like the story a lot and always feel how applicable it is to me dealing with my ocd and how the choices I make to do compulsions, or not, is going to determine which wolf is going to win.

Off for a run now holding that story in mind.

Strength and courage to everyone fighting the ocd battle today.

 

 

[L.M.]

Glad to say after that spike of anxiety, the rest of the day went well. I'm not going to set any specific challenges for today. Rather will just try and stay open to the day and the challenges it offers.

[northpaul]

15 minutes ago, L.M. said:

Rather will just try and stay open to the day and the challenges it offers.

Good plan.  Sometimes that is the best thing to do - just go with the flow and hopefully you will stayed relaxed.

[L.M.]

On 04/03/2022 at 06:47, northpaul said:

Good plan.  Sometimes that is the best thing to do - just go with the flow and hopefully you will stayed relaxed.

Thanks  I didn't stay super relaxed but did pretty good.

Learning more and more to just let the fears be there.

I think for today I would like to take a next step with those new clothes. Wear one item today, put one in a drawer with the rest of my clean clothes. It feels challenging just to have them mixing with my old clothes.

I can feel my anxiety going up just writing about doing that, but I will do my best.

[L.M.]

As I wrote in the achievements thread I was able to complete yesterday's challenge.

I'm finding coming on here every day to write a bit is so helpful just to keep me on track. I regard it as my therapy time.

I'm not sure if it's ok to use this space as a place to explore my journey as I think up different challenges. Or if this thread is meant to be kept at short posts of just simple challenges we are setting for ourselves. If it is, I can start a new thread for me to ramble on about my thoughts as I challenge myself. Maybe you could let me know how you want this thread to be used @Caramoole

Yesterday after writing on here I journaled a bit about my cognitive challenges in regards to this specific theme. I found that helpful too so will try and keep that journal up.

One big thing that is coming up is my lack of trust in my own judgement, or lack of 'common sense.' I imagine doing something with dire results and then people saying I should have known better...

So I am working on being ok with those inner voices. 

Not sure if I am ready for another big challenge yet. I might just take the day as it comes again, or if I feel strong enough, I will wear another new item of clothing...

[Caramoole]

Have you had a look at the Challenge Thread‽  Think that would be a good one for you to explore these challenges.  Post the achievements here and then on the other, your goals, your difficulties, your light bulb moments....others can add their suggestions.  What do you think?  Whatever, I'm pleased to hear you're doing so well and showing courage to work to beat these compulsions

[Caramoole]

Duh!!  I'm in the Challenge Thread!!  Ignore me....trying to read this on phone whilst travelling in the car.

Yes, it's fine

[determination987]

I think I need to work more on the mornings as this seems to be when I let the thoughts take over. It's like from the moment that I wake up that my brain is in detective mode, searching for problems and then finding clues for certainty. Then it builds up a case against me that I have to resist fighting.

I think I often wake up and feel like I'm not allowed to have a good day until I finish fixing all of these problems.

I need a good strategy for the mornings I think. I really want to be the person that gets up and goes for a run but I'm always exhausted. I have a run planned with a friend this evening so I'm looking forward to that.

I'm going with the 'fake it until you make it' stance that Caramoole had said on another thread, which worked yesterday. I pulled myself out of my head for a while and enjoyed some of the day.

I worry that I'm stuck in limbo because I'm not challenging myself enough. I'm just working a lot more on mindfulness and labelling thoughts and getting on with my day anyway. It's hard to think of a meaningful challenge at the moment. 

My challenge at the moment is simply trying to find some good in the day which I do always find but I'm not sure if that's enough. I'm not checking emails as much which is good so I think I need a new one...

[L.M.]

On 09/03/2022 at 02:01, determination987 said:

think I need to work more on the mornings as this seems to be when I let the thoughts take over.

i think that's good you've pinpointed a vulnerable time for you. Mine comes on often when I'm tired out from a day of activity. Even knowing that can help me put it aside as 'probably ocd' and probably not a real concern...

I had a family member say to me the other day (when I was in the throes of an ocd panic) that I really should be working on this ocd problem. Sigh. I feel like I'm working so hard...And then, yes, I can see how they just see my life as riddled with ocd. I see it myself. It's exhausting and depressing. And that exhaustion and depression isn't the best energy to try and continue fighting. But I will.

I was saying in the achievements thread that working through ocd reminds me of training for long distance running. On my runs I have really tough hills, as well as distance to work with. On those hills it can feel so hard and like I'll never make it to the top, but then comes a flat section, or even better a downhill, and my energy is back and I feel like I could run forever...

A lot of my challenges this last week has been more to take the days as they come and to work with the exposures to contamination or checking as they come up naturally. This has been going fairly good, and I will continue along that line.

I know shopping is a good place to set my next specific challenges though. Ever since the pandemic I've been changing and showering after a shopping trip and also disinfecting my groceries. So yesterday I decided to wipe the groceries but not disinfect them as an attempt to slowly reduce my compulsions. I can see that I would like to slowly work to just getting back to just popping in for some groceries, no showering and changing afterwards, no wiping down groceries.

 

Edited March 10, 2022 by L.M.

[Caramoole]

Can you put a delay in the urge to go and shower?  Could you think I will allow myself a shower but not for an hour.  I'm going to make a drink, put the TV on and wait?

[determination987]

2 hours ago, L.M. said:

i think that's good you've pinpointed a vulnerable time for you. Mine comes on often when I'm tired out from a day of activity. Even knowing that can help me put it aside as 'probably ocd' and probably not a real concern...

I had a family member say to me the other day (when I was in the throes of an ocd panic) that I really should be working on this ocd problem. Sigh. I feel like I'm working so hard...And then, yes, I can see how they just see my life as riddled with ocd. I see it myself. It's exhausting and depressing. And that exhaustion and depression isn't the best energy to try and continue fighting. But I will.

I was saying in the achievements thread that working through ocd reminds me of training for long distance running. On my runs I have really tough hills, as well as distance to work with. On those hills it can feel so hard and like I'll never make it to the top, but then comes a flat section, or even better a downhill, and my energy is back and I feel like I could run forever...

A lot of my challenges this last week has been more to take the days as they come and to work with the exposures to contamination or checking as they come up naturally. This has been going fairly good, and I will continue along that line.

I know shopping is a good place to set my next specific challenges though. Ever since the pandemic I've been changing and showering after a shopping trip and also disinfecting my groceries. So yesterday I decided to wipe the groceries but not disinfect them as an attempt to slowly reduce my compulsions. I can see that I would like to slowly work to just getting back to just popping in for some groceries, no showering and changing afterwards, no wiping down groceries.

 

Yes, tiredness too .

I seem to get it first thing on a morning and if I can shake it quickly by not going too far down the ruminating hole then it’s usually a better day. The afternoon often hits but I’ve been timing my walks for when the ‘what ifs’ creep in and that’s working well. The lighter weather has been helping with that.

It’s so hard to explain it to other people - it’s exhausting and training our brains to go against what we’re used to is incredibly hard. You’re working really hard - we can see that here .

I seem to make big progress then go backwards a bit but ultimately I’m going in the right direction, as are you! The smaller compulsions I’ve doing have got a lot better but the big ones where the stakes feel high are the tougher ones for me. I know that there is a ridiculously low risk but the stakes feel too high to let it go. 
 

My challenge this week is now to say ‘so what’ to them!

[northpaul]

35 minutes ago, determination987 said:

The lighter weather has been helping with that.

Looking at the tone of some of today's conversations on these forums this seems to be a common mood lifter for a few people.  (and proper spring like weather too!)

[L.M.]

20 hours ago, determination987 said:

It’s so hard to explain it to other people - it’s exhausting and training our brains to go against what we’re used to is incredibly hard. You’re working really hard - we can see that here .

Thank you! Yes. So nice to be able to be here where others understand that while it may look like I'm not challenging myself at all, these are all big challenges I am facing. Actually when I talked about it further with the family member, we were both acknowledging how far I'd actually come. About 10 years ago, I'd had a terrible breakdown with ocd and my whole day was literally spent on compulsions. Just getting a shower took me 7 hours! So from there I think we both could acknowledge that while my life is still significantly encumbered, I really have come a long way!

23 hours ago, Caramoole said:

Can you put a delay in the urge to go and shower?  Could you think I will allow myself a shower but not for an hour.  I'm going to make a drink, put the TV on and wait?

I can wait but I know the biggest challenge would be is actually sitting on my couch while in my shopping clothes. So currently after shopping, I can sit at my table, have a meal and do whatever else before showering, but I just can't sit on my couch. This is because I can wash my chairs but the couch I can't...

I think what I plan to do with that is just try eliminating the shower. So come home, put the groceries away, and change (I often like to change into lounge clothes anyhow) That would be a big challenge in itself...

Or I could try just walking through a mall without stopping to buy anything and then not change or shower. And then just buy one item...and then more....build that way...

Yes that might be best...That way I could even do that almost daily..maybe I should try that today...we'll see...

Other than that today will be just another day of trying to face the challenges as they pop up naturally.

[L.M.]

Well made a first attempt yesterday in the shopping challenge. Walked through the mall and had zero anxiety about it. It was quiet and hardly anyone there. 

So then after a walk, I decided to up the challenge and went in again, this time attempting to buy something. Stepped in. Kids running around, screaming/playing right in front of the doors, crowds of people, big ugly food spillage...my anxiety went way up in about 2 minutes. Left without buying anything. Got so stressed about the food spillage that I came home and showered and changed. 

Felt very down and discouraged about the whole thing. I was contemplating my stress about the food spillage. Came nowhere near it but i get so stressed seeing something like that, worried that it is something much worse than just food. (Vomit? poo? blood?) and then i feel like I've walked in it somehow...

I hung my clothes up that I was wearing (separate from my clean clothes) wondering if I can challenge myself when in a calmer mind state to try wearing them without washing them first. This is how I always end up with so much laundry to do because even seeing things and imagining just makes me feel completely contaminated.

I will keep up with these exposures though because at least the first time walking through the mall felt like nothing at all, so hopefully next time I do it I won't face unexpected triggers.

[determination987]

Managed the ‘so what’ a lot of the week but it’s still sometimes catching me at different parts of the day. I have managed to reduce my email checking significantly and I’m letting them pile up now before checking and I can see that phone calls aren’t as urgent to me now.

I need to do something though on the ruminating ones. I keep getting stuck on various potential mistakes from the past which were never a possibility before but suddenly seem like something I have to check.

I need to work on these so I’m trying to come up with a challenge to stop the reactions that I’m giving to the thoughts. I hold off for a while which is better but I’m still on occasion reassurance seeking by calling people and Googling and checking any information I can find. I need to stop this.

If I got these really sticky thoughts and then did a run or walk, would that become compulsive? I’m trying to think of ways to break up the cycle but don’t want it to become a compulsion on its own .

Maybe, my challenge should be to call people this week and not mention OCD at all. 

[L.M.]

21 hours ago, determination987 said:

Maybe, my challenge should be to call people this week and not mention OCD at all. 

That sounds good.

I watched a good talk yesterday on thoughts and ocd and the question came up about distraction and whether or not that was a good tool. The answer seemed to be that it would be good as a stepping stone but maybe not good to rely on long-term. That's what I understood anyhow. So maybe that would be true of the walking or running idea? Maybe a good short term way to break the cycle and then later could drop that? I don't know....

 

That talk I watched really has me thinking about the power I am continuing to give to the thoughts and doubts and anxiety feelings. I would really like to challenge myself to wear those clothes I changed out of when I got triggered shopping without washing them first. 

I will try to begin with just the sweater I was wearing. Less triggering than the pants I was wearing since the pants would have come closer to the ground.

One thing I notice too is that I often think that I may as well do a compulsion as it's no big deal and will make me feel better. I need to remember that it's these little compulsions that add up over time that make the disorder debilitating.

[determination987]

2 hours ago, L.M. said:

That sounds good.

I watched a good talk yesterday on thoughts and ocd and the question came up about distraction and whether or not that was a good tool. The answer seemed to be that it would be good as a stepping stone but maybe not good to rely on long-term. That's what I understood anyhow. So maybe that would be true of the walking or running idea? Maybe a good short term way to break the cycle and then later could drop that? I don't know....

 

That talk I watched really has me thinking about the power I am continuing to give to the thoughts and doubts and anxiety feelings. I would really like to challenge myself to wear those clothes I changed out of when I got triggered shopping without washing them first. 

I will try to begin with just the sweater I was wearing. Less triggering than the pants I was wearing since the pants would have come closer to the ground.

One thing I notice too is that I often think that I may as well do a compulsion as it's no big deal and will make me feel better. I need to remember that it's these little compulsions that add up over time that make the disorder debilitating.

Thanks .

Yes, I’m hoping to do running as a hobby and something positive for myself as I don’t often get chance to do much of that. I think this gives OCD an advantage and it’s easy for my sense of self to be attacked as I’m not sure of it myself sometimes.

That talk sounds great. You’ve reminded me that I started an audible book on compassionate mindfulness for cbt and I hadn’t finished it so will continue that I think.

i do the same thing. It feels like a little compulsion will help and then it gets out of hand quite quickly. I feel like an addict, needing certainty all of the time.

I realised today that I avoid talking about myself to people as I get worried about being triggered and really self conscious. I overthink conversations and worry about what people will think or say etc. 
 

Well today I did talk about myself with someone and whilst I was really uncomfortable talking about myself and my anxiety was so high, I managed to do it and I’m going to refrain from the what ifs now . I’m so tired of judging myself and wanting to hide away.

You sound like you’re doing really well by building it up! I also think that when I’m feeling a bit better than I feel like I can handle doing compulsions as I don’t need to do them anymore but it’s a big trick. 

[northpaul]

3 hours ago, L.M. said:

I watched a good talk yesterday on thoughts and ocd and the question came up about distraction and whether or not that was a good tool. The answer seemed to be that it would be good as a stepping stone but maybe not good to rely on long-term. That's what I understood anyhow

I would say distraction is a good tool.  It has been one of the primary tools in my toolbox for a long time.  There have been times when I have been engrossed in some positive distraction that my OCD seems so far away that I hardly think about it.  It works along side other tools such as my CBT therapy to challenge the obsessive thoughts and debilitating compulsions.

The more tools I have in toolbox - the more confident I am of a brighter future.

[determination987]

10 minutes ago, northpaul said:

I would say distraction is a good tool.  It has been one of the primary tools in my toolbox for a long time.  There have been times when I have been engrossed in some positive distraction that my OCD seems so far away that I hardly think about it.  It works along side other tools such as my CBT therapy to challenge the obsessive thoughts and debilitating compulsions.

The more tools I have in toolbox - the more confident I am of a brighter future.

I’ve ended up triggered massively this evening after another phone call and I tried so hard not to discuss anything that would trigger me but ultimately this happened anyway.

So right now I’ve got super high anxiety, feel like I’m burning up and going to vomit and of course I want to check, check and check. 

In this scenario, do I try and distract myself or would you sit with it? Usually, I would acknowledge the thoughts as OCD and let them pass but I think I’ve exposed myself to lots of triggers today and it’s incredibly overwhelming.

 

[northpaul]

21 minutes ago, determination987 said:

do I try and distract myself or would you sit with it?

I would say use both tools along side each other.  A bit like hammer and chisel - both good tools but when used together can produce good results.  If I am so engrossed in something I enjoy, the thoughts tend to find it hard to get in.

[determination987]

8 minutes ago, northpaul said:

I would say use both tools along side each other.  A bit like hammer and chisel - both good tools but when used together can produce good results.  If I am so engrossed in something I enjoy, the thoughts tend to find it hard to get in.

Thanks  

I’m going to try and watch a film or something and stop checking or googling things. I was trying to challenge myself today but I think I may have overdone it but the anxiety is starting to drop now.

So if I’m anxious but watch something anyway without doing the checking then hopefully this can work. 
 

[determination987]

I’m setting myself some challenges for today as I can tell that hormones/tiredness are derailing my usual strength in handling the compulsions.

In fact, I’ve been doing so many compulsions over the last few days and I can see that I will always find ‘evidence’ to feed into my obsessions if I continue to search enough. If I find ‘evidence’ to the contrary, then that’s easily dismissed because then I wouldn’t need to keep checking.

Today, my challenge is to give myself a day off from OCD. I know that sounds silly but what I mean is that I’m going to tell myself that whatever it’s telling me is happening but I’m going to deal with it on another day when I’m not feeling as overwhelmed. Like I would do in an actual situation that needed attention. 

When the urges come to check then I’m going to put them off until later and give myself permission to have a break. I’ve worn myself down and my lips are all chapped, my jaw aches from grinding my teeth in my sleep and I feel poorly. So I’ve decided I’m going to call in sick to OCD .

 

[Caramoole]

@L.M. Do you have any idea what fuels your fear?  What is it you're telling yourself or imagining?  As with all of these obsessions the feared thing is out of all proportion with necessity.  Other people don't become ill or die from contamination from grocery packaging or new clothing.  Statistically, it's probably zero.  Did this start with the pandemic or has it gone on before that?