Challenge Club-Merged Threads

[L.M.]

19 hours ago, northpaul said:

would say distraction is a good tool.  It has been one of the primary tools in my toolbox for a long time.

yes I do see it seems to be used quite a bit around the forum too. I think as you say maybe a tool amongst others it can be good. I think the speaker was just saying that eventually we want to be able to be ok with having these intrusive thoughts and not feel the need to distract from them as we eventually understand them to be meaningless. But yes, as he said, maybe a good stepping stone as we learn to do that. Maybe like compulsion delay or reduction?...

4 hours ago, determination987 said:

Today, my challenge is to give myself a day off from OCD. I know that sounds silly

That doesn't sound silly at all. Sounds wonderful! Best of luck with your day. I do hope you get the break you need. How did your night go yesterday after the anxiety spike?

49 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

@L.M. Do you have any idea what fuels your fear?  What is it you're telling yourself or imagining?  As with all of these obsessions the feared thing is out of all proportion with necessity.  Other people don't become ill or die from contamination from grocery packaging or new clothing.  Statistically, it's probably zero.  Did this start with the pandemic or has it gone on before that?

The new clothes has been pre-pandemic too. I really think that at the root of it, is just a feeling that these things aren't me. I actually wonder if it is rooted in an existential fear of where do I begin and where do I end...I won't go into all that here though...

But on a more basic level it is also involved in just basic contamination. Like I am suddenly exposed to who knows what on the clothes--chemicals, germs, etc. I also feel a lot of guilt around buying brand new things (i'd always bought things second hand before and feel bad about supporting clothing waste and factories that might not be treating workers well) so I feel like I might be deserving to be punished for buying new stuff. On top of all that, the new clothes i bought recently were to replace ones I'd thrown away unnecessarily due to contamination fears so I felt extra guilt and shame around that.

The showering and changing and washing groceries all began with the pandemic, and I do see that as purely unnecessary. So I am hopeful that I will be able to move through that one more quickly than the more deeply rooted fears/guilt/shame mentioned above.

I am highly sensitive too though so going shopping at busy times has always been hard for me. Harsh lights, loud people, checkouts beeping, food spilling...etc has always made me anxious. And then throughout the pandemic my life has been so much more insular so far less exposure to all that stimuli on a regular basis, so I am probably even more sensitive to it now...

I did also think further about why that food spillage triggered me so much the other day. I really think it triggered a memory of a traumatic incident from my past. 

I am hoping to try again to go shopping today. Hoping to wear the same sweater I did the other day (without having washed it first) and then come home without showering afterwards. Maybe still wipe the groceries down but not disinfect.

(i have to laugh at my long post here--i saw handy mentioned caffeine drinkers writing long posts and here I am with coffee in hand rambling on and on! lol)

 

[determination987]

44 minutes ago, L.M. said:

That doesn't sound silly at all. Sounds wonderful! Best of luck with your day. I do hope you get the break you need. How did your night go yesterday after the anxiety spike?

I think in the end that I just gave up and watched some comedy on tv instead. I think the panic I felt had to go in the end and it went down on its own by the end. I think I find mornings and afternoons the most difficult. 

44 minutes ago, L.M. said:

am highly sensitive too though so going shopping at busy times has always been hard for me. Harsh lights, loud people, checkouts beeping, food spilling...etc has always made me anxious. And then throughout the pandemic my life has been so much more insular so far less exposure to all that stimuli on a regular basis, so I am probably even more sensitive to it now...

I understand this feeling too as I have sensory sensitivities (family on the spectrum with noise sensitivity too) and by slowly exposing myself to it I do feel better but it definitely adds to the anxiety. I think that the pandemic has definitely exacerbated things.

Also, I'm a big coffee drinker too although I limit myself. If I don't have it, I'm still as anxious and I find it helps my migraines 

I know this is probably not what you'd want to do but have you ever tried on clothes in a shop? I was thinking of you the other day actually when I went shopping. It's something I do without thinking about and I bet that my obsessions are something that you'd not consider an issue. It's interesting how OCD manifests and it's so difficult but we're making progress. 

Edited March 14, 2022 by determination987

[Caramoole]

46 minutes ago, L.M. said:

The showering and changing and washing groceries all began with the pandemic, and I do see that as purely unnecessary. So I am hopeful that I will be able to move through that one more quickly than the more deeply rooted fears/guilt/shame mentioned above.

Maybe that's a good one to start on as a definite challenge that you can hopefully work towards eradicating.  How's about trying to not was the groceries first?  Is that something you could try maybe?

 

52 minutes ago, L.M. said:

I am highly sensitive too though so going shopping at busy times has always been hard for me. Harsh lights, loud people, checkouts beeping, food spilling...etc has always made me anxious. And then throughout the pandemic my life has been so much more insular so far less exposure to all that stimuli on a regular basis, so I am probably even more sensitive to it now.

I used to have a problem with Supermarkets/ shopping centres etc.  Not because of OCD but high anxiety/ panic.  At the same time I was having driving issues OCD wise.  My approach was repeated (often daily) exposure.  Every evening I would go to a supermarket.  At first my aim would be to buy a couple of items and then built it up to a full shop.  If the anxiety gets very high we're generally asked to see it through but sometimes, if that's failing, you can try different approaches.  I once read of the 4 R's......Retreat, Relax, Return, Repeat.  When the panic hits and you flee (like you did the other day) you get outside to your car or a seat or a wall, sit down, breathe, calm down the panic thoughts, wait a bit but then return to the shop & buy something, can be a bar of chocolate, a newspaper, anything but you do it.  Then you repeat the exposures regularly.  I no longer have this problem & haven't for a long time.

 

1 hour ago, L.M. said:

The new clothes has been pre-pandemic too. I really think that at the root of it, is just a feeling that these things aren't me. I actually wonder if it is rooted in an existential fear of where do I begin and where do I end...I won't go into all that here though...

But on a more basic level it is also involved in just basic contamination. Like I am suddenly exposed to who knows what on the clothes--chemicals, germs, etc. I also feel a lot of guilt around buying brand new things (i'd always bought things second hand before and feel bad about supporting clothing waste and factories that might not be treating workers well) so I feel like I might be deserving to be punished for buying new stuff. On top of all that, the new clothes i bought recently were to replace ones I'd thrown away unnecessarily due to contamination fears so I felt extra guilt and shame around that.

This one is more complicated but none the less it's about dealing with the discomfort of doubt and anxiety whilst restricting the use of compulsions to deal with it. In it's simplest form, you begin and end with your clothed body.  The rest is rumination/thinking/analysis.  The contamination fears about chemicals, germs etc are just that, fear of.  

There's a lot of work to be done on reframing these faulty thoughts to a more reasonable level whilst still addressing things like waste, welfare etc

[L.M.]

23 hours ago, determination987 said:

I know this is probably not what you'd want to do but have you ever tried on clothes in a shop? I was thinking of you the other day actually when I went shopping. It's something I do without thinking about and I bet that my obsessions are something that you'd not consider an issue.

Before I had the contamination theme, I was such a different person. I would have never thought twice about trying on clothes--new or second hand. I had no issues with germs or chemicals on clothing whatsoever. So even that is interesting for me to reflect on. All those years I had never given much thought at all to what I spend so much time on compulsions and avoidance on now...I would sure love to get back to that place!

23 hours ago, Caramoole said:

How's about trying to not was the groceries first?  Is that something you could try maybe?

I'm hoping to slowly reduce how i wash groceries until it's back to not washing them. So far have just reduced it to not disinfecting them but rather just giving them a wipe down. 

23 hours ago, Caramoole said:

My approach was repeated (often daily) exposure.  Every evening I would go to a supermarket.

That's the sort of approach I am hoping to take. I don't think I'll be able to fit in a trip every day but even if I can just go every few days i think that will be good.

23 hours ago, Caramoole said:

I once read of the 4 R's......Retreat, Relax, Return, Repeat.

I like the sound of that method and actually remember doing that when I was working through panic around shopping before...I will definitely try and keep that in mind.

Made good progress on the shopping yesterday and posted about that in the achievements thread.

Today's challenge will be probably just mostly facing what comes as the day presents it. Though I do have to deal with the garbage bin today so that's always an extra challenge.

I watched the talk on gut health and mental health that Gemma sent me a link for yesterday. I really wish I could figure out how to address my gut issues. I've had on-going gut issues my whole life. I've tried many times to address it through diet changes and supplements and things, but so far no real luck...I really feel like it could help me a lot if I could figure that piece out. Also would be nice just for my physical health too...I'm going to do more research on that...

 

[determination987]

26 minutes ago, L.M. said:

Before I had the contamination theme, I was such a different person. I would have never thought twice about trying on clothes--new or second hand. I had no issues with germs or chemicals on clothing whatsoever. So even that is interesting for me to reflect on. All those years I had never given much thought at all to what I spend so much time on compulsions and avoidance on now...I would sure love to get back to that place!

23 hours ago, Caramoole said:

Same. Things that I never considered an issue can now completely derail my day. Once a thought sticks, it feels like I'll never let it go. I think it's been creeping up slowly and I've been adding a lot of avoidance compulsions without realising for a long time. Now, it's figuring it all out. 

I had issues with germs after pregnancy. I'd never ever been bothered about them and all of a sudden it was like I could 'see' them somehow. I couldn't understand how other people just went out and didn't mind it. 

I think you're doing brilliantly. You're challenging yourself and building it up which is the way to go .

[Summer9173]

I know this hasn’t got anything to do with the thread and I really apologise, but this thread was made on the 14th of August 2004 which would’ve been my 2nd birthday!! It’s amazing to think how long this forum has gone on for, I want to give my younger self a cuddle and say I’ll be in good hands with the best support - especially from this forum I find these forums really good to look back on your old posts to see how much process you’ve actually made too x to think I was so scared when I was younger as I didn’t know what was going on in my head, now I know it’s always been ocd. One of my future goals is to one day help raise more awareness for OCD itself because the stigma of ocd only being related to the stereotypical ‘clean freak’ is still very prominent, even with my generation

[L.M.]

On 15/03/2022 at 13:53, Summer9173 said:

but this thread was made on the 14th of August 2004 which would’ve been my 2nd birthday!! It’s amazing to think how long this forum has gone on for

So great! Yes wonderful and amazing to think how long this forum has been offering support!

On 15/03/2022 at 09:33, determination987 said:

I think it's been creeping up slowly and I've been adding a lot of avoidance compulsions without realising for a long time.

Yes I do so much avoidance too. I forget sometimes how much smaller my life has become through ocd. I really want to see these challenges push me to really make a big effort to open things up again.

I watched a good talk from last year's ocd conference yesterday. It was on 'taking the plunge' Can't remember the exact title but it was about how to get ourselves into the mindset to  make that decision to take that plunge in challenging our fears. Really inspiring talk.

I feel hopeful that i can get myself to really keep at it this time and not settle for the ocd just feeling 'manageable enough' 

I think I would find it a huge mark of success if I could make a trip to visit and stay with family or friends in other cities one day.

[L.M.]

...I think I will make a vision board of all the long term goals I would have with ocd gone from my life. Mostly it will be travel but I bet other things too...I feel kind of excited about it.

I'm going to post it on my wall to remind me why I should challenge myself.

I have an upcoming challenge this week. I have to have some work done in my place, so I am stressing about people coming in. Stuff I have to move that has ocd attached, worrying about cleaning afterwards and how much ocd will be triggered with their being in here, covid fears etc etc. I am going to try and break it down a little to make the stress feel more manageable. 

I will start with the corner for stuff for the charity shop and make it a goal to actually get it there in the next few days.

Maybe I can see this as a positive as I was wanting to sort that corner for a while!

[L.M.]

Struggling with a bit of depression and angst around the upcoming work needing to be done in my place.

Trying to move ahead with just getting things sorted one thing at a time...

[L.M.]

...something I am keeping in mind that I heard in a talk recently...and that is the anticipation of exposure is often worse than the actual exposure (referring to when exposures are done therapeutically properly backed with cbt practice)

Certainly finding this true in my case...and keeping it in mind as I work on adding some challenges to my life...

[determination987]

My challenges this week are:

• Try something new each week. Something that pushes me outside of my comfort zone.
• Delay checking until the evening.
• Cut down on caffeine as I drink it all day and I'm not sure if it's helping. I'm still having my morning one though!
• Write down a positive thing from each day not OCD related.

[L.M.]

Great challenges @determination987!

[determination987]

On 21/03/2022 at 15:08, L.M. said:

Great challenges @determination987!

Thanks  

I’m doing well on most of these this week so far but need to work harder on the delaying one I think.

I was looking at exposures that I could do and after reading a little, I wondered if I’d set exposures around my fears or around the current way it’s presenting. Not sure if that makes sense.

So, after doing the workbooks I realised that almost all of my ocd themes have been about being a failure as a mother/carer/person and that I’ll make big mistakes that will affect other people. So I often try hard to get it all just right or spend time in my head checking the past and worrying about any potential mistake or doubt. 

Do I set exposures around this fear itself or do I set exposures around the forms that I worry about filling in etc? It often manifests in lots of ways.

[Caramoole]

It's good that you've identified the thinking that supports your OCD generally.  As we know, individual types or rituals aren't the crux of the matter, they are all part of the "whole", of what is OCD.  Technically you could/should be able to look at all compulsions as having that faulty thinking/fear behind them but it's probably unrealistic to think you can just ditch the lot if them, which is why the hierarchy approach is recommended.  You just have to be a bit careful though that you don't go forward dealing with "this compulsion", "that compulsion".......as life will throw up infinite variations.  As you become more practised and chalk up successes, try to increasingly look at them as something that falls under the complete OCD umbrella so that you can recognise them as one and the same thing.  You're doing well

[determination987]

11 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

It's good that you've identified the thinking that supports your OCD generally.  As we know, individual types or rituals aren't the crux of the matter, they are all part of the "whole", of what is OCD.  Technically you could/should be able to look at all compulsions as having that faulty thinking/fear behind them but it's probably unrealistic to think you can just ditch the lot if them, which is why the hierarchy approach is recommended.  You just have to be a bit careful though that you don't go forward dealing with "this compulsion", "that compulsion".......as life will throw up infinite variations.  As you become more practised and chalk up successes, try to increasingly look at them as something that falls under the complete OCD umbrella so that you can recognise them as one and the same thing.  You're doing well

Thanks Caramoole,

Yes, I think one of the things that has been holding me back is seeing them as separate obsessions and compulsions. Each time they seem more real and urgent and different to the previous one, even though they're all doing the same thing really.  They all want me to be absolutely certain on basically everything otherwise I'm a horrible, neglectful person. 

I've managed to massively cut down on how many emails I check per day and the panic that I used to face when an email would come through has dropped a lot. I also used to need to have my phone on loud or have my Fitbit on to alert me to calls so I wouldn't miss anything but I've stopped that too. I've realised if people need to contact me then they can leave a message.

I can see though that I'm doing a lot of compulsions still in regards to the past and worrying about things that I was 'pretty certain' on before but because I don't remember clearly because it wasn't an issue, then my mind now won't accept that. I'm effectively having uncertainty about certainty. 

I'm doing lots of work on being in the present, letting the thoughts be there etc but I'm worried that I'm not doing enough with exposing myself to things. I then feel almost like I 'have' to do things to expose myself which also feels like a compulsion too. 

I'm going away this weekend which fills me with anxiety as there are lots of unknowns but I really want to have a good time. I've been before and the last time I spent most of it stuck in panic and replaying conversations and scenarios out. I didn't know I had OCD then and it basically stole that weekend from me. I want to be able to enjoy it this time. 

[Caramoole]

Do you ever read Tarean's threads in the Members area?  He (I don't think he'll mind me saying) spent a great deal of time working really hard on individual problems (both compulsions & treatment of) His most recent therapy helped him to look into OCD as a "whole" rather than it's component parts, also the massive importance of living as normally as possible with lots of interests and good use of time.......very successfully as well.  He is also passionate about being present in the moment.

This weekend make the mental decision that this is a new weekend, not one in the past and you already have a new viewpoint to look at it from.  Pay real attention to not drifting into ruminations about "last time". Let the thinking be about what clothes you'll pack, what book you might try and read, what nice food you might enjoy etc.  Just think "Not this time OCD, you're talking to a different woman.....and this one is Determined!  Hope you have a lovely time

[determination987]

16 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

Do you ever read Tarean's threads in the Members area?  He (I don't think he'll mind me saying) spent a great deal of time working really hard on individual problems (both compulsions & treatment of) His most recent therapy helped him to look into OCD as a "whole" rather than it's component parts, also the massive importance of living as normally as possible with lots of interests and good use of time.......very successfully as well.  He is also passionate about being present in the moment.

This weekend make the mental decision that this is a new weekend, not one in the past and you already have a new viewpoint to look at it from.  Pay real attention to not drifting into ruminations about "last time". Let the thinking be about what clothes you'll pack, what book you might try and read, what nice food you might enjoy etc.  Just think "Not this time OCD, you're talking to a different woman.....and this one is Determined!  Hope you have a lovely time

Thanks so much, that made smile 

I will have a look in the Member's area too. You have all been so helpful and supportive. I can see that it's going to be a journey (not a quick fix) but that's okay. I can enjoy parts of life throughout it all and I'm determined to extend that as much as I can .

I was feeling low last night and then I started planning what food I was going to take and what we'd do and that made me feel happy. I definitely need to do more of that!

[L.M.]

1 hour ago, determination987 said:

I've been before and the last time I spent most of it stuck in panic and replaying conversations and scenarios out. I didn't know I had OCD then and it basically stole that weekend from me. I want to be able to enjoy it this time. 

Yes as caramoole says, You are a different person this time!

I hope you have a wonderful weekend. You've done so much practice lately in coming back to the present and enjoying the moment so I feel confident you can carry that practice to the weekend.

[L.M.]

My challenge today is the workers coming to  my place. I've been catastrophizing about it (and then trying to drop that and refocus) It could either be a quick and simple job that won't take more than 15 minutes, or it could be a bigger job...

I feel the urge to do so many compulsions and I really don't feel very confident about how I will fare with all this. So I will try my best to stay open to not doing the compulsions and to accept the challenges as they come up...

[determination987]

1 minute ago, L.M. said:

My challenge today is the workers coming to  my place. I've been catastrophizing about it (and then trying to drop that and refocus) It could either be a quick and simple job that won't take more than 15 minutes, or it could be a bigger job...

I feel the urge to do so many compulsions and I really don't feel very confident about how I will fare with all this. So I will try my best to stay open to not doing the compulsions and to accept the challenges as they come up...

You've got this! You're doing so well, keep embracing that.

Let us know how it goes later 

[L.M.]

On 23/03/2022 at 07:22, determination987 said:

You've got this! You're doing so well, keep embracing that.

Let us know how it goes later 

Thanks for the encouraging words! I did read them before the workers got here and I felt hopeful. Unfortunately, though, I didn't fare so well...

It was one of my worst days that I've had in a while, so fairly discouraging. Happily the workers were able to get the work done in about an hour so that was the good part. A person without my ocd theme, would have just swept up after them and put everything back in place, but for me ocd took over and I was cleaning and re-cleaning all day. I felt at a loss as to how to stop because once I start that idea of contamination, it reaches everything. I didn't feel in a panic about it and could see the unnecessary steps I was taking, but so it went.

I think one big mistake I made is before they came I was planning for a worst case scenario, and so I had made plans for that, but when the best case happened I still cleaned as if it was the worst one that I had planned for

On the up side, I know I was making good progress before this so I will have to just get back to it and maybe it's a good reminder of how far I have to go...(not that I actually needed that reminder! I'm well aware!) But yeah so it goes...

[determination987]

3 hours ago, L.M. said:

Thanks for the encouraging words! I did read them before the workers got here and I felt hopeful. Unfortunately, though, I didn't fare so well...

It was one of my worst days that I've had in a while, so fairly discouraging. Happily the workers were able to get the work done in about an hour so that was the good part. A person without my ocd theme, would have just swept up after them and put everything back in place, but for me ocd took over and I was cleaning and re-cleaning all day. I felt at a loss as to how to stop because once I start that idea of contamination, it reaches everything. I didn't feel in a panic about it and could see the unnecessary steps I was taking, but so it went.

I think one big mistake I made is before they came I was planning for a worst case scenario, and so I had made plans for that, but when the best case happened I still cleaned as if it was the worst one that I had planned for

On the up side, I know I was making good progress before this so I will have to just get back to it and maybe it's a good reminder of how far I have to go...(not that I actually needed that reminder! I'm well aware!) But yeah so it goes...

Sorry that you’ve had a hard time. I get lots of dips too and it’s really hard, particularly when it comes after feeling better for a while. It’s all part of the journey though and you’ve made so much progress !

 

[L.M.]

2 hours ago, determination987 said:

Sorry that you’ve had a hard time. I get lots of dips too and it’s really hard, particularly when it comes after feeling better for a while. It’s all part of the journey though and you’ve made so much progress !

 

Thanks. Yes we just have to accept that as part of the journey for sure. I went on a really good run and forest walk today, and am going to try and reset my brain and start again with some challenges. There are some things I didn't wash yesterday so that might be where I begin...to just not wash those things...we'll see...it might just be at the right level of discomfort that I could handle....

[Caramoole]

Try not to let this set you back...it's a blip, which in reality is to be expected.  It's probably unrealistic that you're going to go from 0 to 60 in one go without any bumps in the road.  Just get back on track tomorrow and continue working at it.....it's never a nice, constant, upwardly sweeping graph.....there are peaks & troughs.  Keep going and be pleased with the huge progress you've made

[BelAnna]

I'm going on a trip to Lindisfarne/Holy Island (I'm not religious, it's just meant to be pretty) tomorrow and super stressed!

My goals: 

- To eat lunch out at a pub (which is hugely challenging with my type of contamination OCD/fear of food poisoning)

- To walk around the island without constantly scanning for threats (to direct my attention towards other things)

- To try to enjoy the day!