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Telling parents..


Guest James.James

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Guest James.James

Hi all. :)

For a while now, I've thought I've had OCD. I am now 15 at the moment.

I have tried telling my parents twice now about my OCD. The first time I told them, I didn't tell them everything because it was embarrassing - I told them about my checking and that was about it. They said OCD is a 'state of mind' and that I don't have it.

The second time I told heaps, heaps more about it (still not everything though cause it is extremely embarrassing but most things), and my father just told me to 'stop doing these things' and thought it was a way for me to stay up later (by telling them about it).

And now I want to tell them again. Below is some symptoms so you can tell me if I am on the wrong track and that its not OCD - feel free to skip and answer my questions below if you wish. :)

I avoid the number in between 5 and 7. I don't want to even type it. If I come across it in tests, school, home, etc I feel anxious. I can't even tap on a bench or something that amount of times. Sometimes I count letters in a word to check it doesn't have that number of letters. Sometimes I count my steps to make sure in every room I don't step that many times. There are other parts of it but I am too lazy to go into more detail. :p

I also rarely use my left hand any more. It is my dominate hand so I feel it is contaminated with all sorts of things. I am not too afraid of contamination (however I am afraid of bad smells coming from me), I am worried about others becoming harmed because of me - ie: If I touch something, then a person touches the thing I touched with my left hand, I get paranoid they'll get contaminated and harmed. This causes heaps of annoyance when I borrow a pen from someone at school, I share a computer, etc etc. I can't even like open car doors with that hand.

And sometimes in my head comes a bad thought ie: 'I want cancer' (which obviously I don't). I get so scared that I will get it that I must say in my head 'I do not want any type of cancer'. Then I get paranoid that I didn't say it right, so I say it again. Sometimes I can find myself repeating the phrase over, and over, and over again in my mind (or if noone is around) whispering it to myself. But its not only cancer, I do similar things about worrying I'll get pimples and acne, my body will become deformed, I will die, family members will die, etc etc.

In Maths is horrible because I come across that number often, but also because I have to go over things with my pen over and over. If I don't then the colour might not be even and it will cause anxiety. And switches on walls, I can't stand it if they are on when nothing is plugged into it.

I know that all of this is excessive and stupid, but I still have to do it. I have more OCD type things but I can't be bothered to explain it all.

_______

So I am basically asking for help - How can I tell my parents? I have written a letter in Word explaining a lot of it, how it started etc, but I am just so scared and worried they wont believe me and I will look like a fool. I know you'll all probably tell me to tell them everything but I don't think that is necessary - the above is mentioned in the letter and that alone is probably enough to be diagnosed, but in the letter I say much more (but not everything). So any other tips on how to tell them? What to say?

And I have another question - what does a doctor do when diagnosing people with OCD? Do they go over the DSM-4 (which I think I comply with) etc? :)

Thanks guys, sorry for such a long, and most probably boring, post. :p

-James

Edited by James.James
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hi james

welcome to thr forum :welcome:

while we can not diagnoise you as we are not medically trained we are all suffers or partners parents friends of sufferers , me im a sufferer . so i would ask again to get your parents to take

you to the doctors and ask for some help and the more you can tell your parents it will help. prehaps

you could show them this site and they coudl read through some posts and they could see that its worth takling to the doctor. on the main home page there is loads of information and downloadable booklet that could also be usefull for them to read.

im sure others on this forum can offer you some excellent advice

take care

nicky

x

Edited by Nicky
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Guest James.James
hi james

welcome to thr forum :welcome:

while we can not diagnoise you as we are not medically trained we are all suffers or partners parents friends of sufferers , me im a sufferer . so i would ask again to get your parents to take

you to the doctors and ask for some help and the more you can tell your parents it will help. prehaps

you could show them this site and they coudl read through some posts and they could see that its worth takling to the doctor. on the main home page there is loads of information and downloadable booklet that could also be usefull for them to read.

im sure others on this forum can offer you some excellent advice

take care

nicky

x

Thanks,

Yeah I guessed people would of probably said that they can't diagnose online but just to see if it sounds like OCD type habits etc.

I might even show them this thread, and yes, I will probably show them this site also. :)

Thanks! :D

_______

Everyone: Any other ideas and/or suggestions? What about what they do at doctors when making a diagnosis? :)

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Guest James.James
Hi James :original:

Nicky is totally right in saying we can't offer a diagnosis on the forums as nobody here is qualified to do so. However, we can point you in the right directions to get the answers for you :thumbup:

Whilst it can be the case that your own GP will make your diagnosis, it is more often the case that they will refer you to a Community Mental Health Team. This team consists of Psychiatrists, Psychiatric Nurses, Therapists etc. Through several assessment interviews, they will arrive at your diagnosis (as you rightly say, being guided by the DSM-IV)

I think it important for your parents to understand, not only the content of your thought, but the distress and anxiety this causes you. Rather than offering them your self-diagnosis, perhaps suggesting that you feel distressed enough to talk this through with a medical professional for accurate advice

HTH

Lawrie

xxx

Thanks. :a1_cheesygrin:

Good idea, I might try that. :)

So is it over several visits that they make a final diagnosis? Or do they do it in one or two? :)

Thanks again!

Edited by James.James
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Hi James,

My son is 11 and has had OCD for over 5 years now. I think as a parent it can be really scary to deal with something that you do not understand. I'm assuming your parents don't know a great deal about OCD?

I do agree with the posters above, if you can print off some information it may help to let your parents know how serious you are about this.

I'm not sure you would have to disclose every detail to them just now, as you say that could be difficult, but if you can get across to them just how much impact this is having on your life, this could be a good way to go with it. Your education is obviously also affected by these symptoms, tell your parents that you need their support and understanding.

You do sound very informed already about your symptoms and as you rightly say, only a professional could give you a certain diagnosis.

My son was referred by our GP to the local Child & Adolescent Mental Health Service, usually called CAMHS and was given an assessment appointment initially with a psychiatrist. I'm not sure if that would be the same procedure for you as this was a few years ago. It was the psychiatrist who gave the diagnosis and offered treatment. He was a really nice guy and I'm pleased to say my son responded even better than we had expected. :original:

I think writing everything down for your parents is a great idea.

Good luck with this James,

Best wishes, Deb

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Guest James.James

My Dad is a retired pharmacist - I would of thought he would of known more, but I guess not. I also have a feeling he could of been trying to pretend its not happening, if you know what I mean.

The first time I told my parents, I told Mum first and she said we should actually check it out, but then when Dad was told he just said it was a 'state of mind' and that I don't have it. So I am considering telling Mum first, as she'll probably be more understanding considering the first time I told them.

Yeah, good point. My education is effected and I'm not the best student but I do alright (like average/just above average), and I would hate it if I got worse, which I've got a feeling OCD could make me do.

Thanks for the info on the diagnosing. Do parents stay in the room when making the assessment? I wouldn't want to tell my parents ALL the things I have/do. :)

Thanks! :D

Edited by James.James
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Guest Compensation

hey!

i'm about the same age as you.

well, i found that when i showed this leaflet which i downloaded from OCD UK's site http://www.ocduk.org/1/infobook.htm to my brother, it let him understand it a bit better because it was from a credible organisation.

i don't know if parents stay in the room as i've never had a formal diagnosis, but i wish you luck with how it goes with your parents!

ttyl :a1_cheesygrin:

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Hi James,

I also have a feeling he could of been trying to pretend its not happening, if you know what I mean.

Thats entirely possible, my husband took far longer to face the possibilty that our son was struggling with symptoms.

So I am considering telling Mum first, as she'll probably be more understanding considering the first time I told them.

Yep, that may not be a bad idea James especially considering that your mum is already aware. I'm sure both your parents must want the absolute best for you but it can be very, very difficult for parents to understand this and I know from my own experience it can really make a parent feel "out of there depth" mostly because of fear of the "unknown" I suppose.

Do parents stay in the room when making the assessment? I wouldn't want to tell my parents ALL the things I have/do.

I honestly couldn't answer that because of your age but I would think any practitioner worth their salt would not expect you to be disclosing embarrassing details in front of your mum and dad. I would have thought any doctor qualified enough to treat these symptoms would be more than aware of this situation and will handle the situation with professionalism and sensitivity. I guess there would be no harm in asking if you would like to see the doctor in private James but as I said, I really don't know in respect of your age.

If you think it would be helpful, let your parents know about the family & friends forum where they could ask about concerns or uncertainties that they might have. :original:

Best wishes, Deb

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Guest James.James

Thanks!

I am feeling more confident about telling them now except I am just hoping they wont ignore it and not allow me to see a GP or something. I think if they say no I will just say that they should take me and if I don't have it, well they were right, but because I am anxious/stressed a lot of the time (due to OCD type things) and I think I actually have it.

I am just so scared for some unknown reason to tell them. *sigh* Its quite draining every night planning to tell them then backing down at the last min. Cause they'll think I'm weird and some sort of freak or something. I know they love me but its just hard to explain.. And next year I can go for my L's (learner license for driving) and I can imaginine having to check the car is off, that I haven't run over people etc. I already sometimes when I cross the road I have to check behind me to make sure I am still alive and that I haven't been run over. I know it is ridiculous but I just do it.

Any other ideas about telling parents or anything else I should know when they diagnose it or anything? :)

I would like to thank this forum.. Its made me feel a lot better about the whole situation. Thanks. :)

Edited by James.James
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Hi James

I am the parent of a 22 year old with OCD and I only wish we had known what he had at your age. I had absolutely no idea and I dont think he had ever heard of it and consequently his education and teenage years were ruined, he is only catching up with things now.

I can only tell you from my experience I think I buried my head in the sand, I knew something was wrong, but how hard it was to admit that and that we might need some help. In fact it was me who stumbled across OCD on the internet and realised it was what we were dealing with. Im sure your parents feel the same, deep down they know something is wrong but as soon as you admit it you have to deal with it,it becomes real. We are just as scared as you are!!

I think you are right, maybe if you explain to your parents that something is wrong, you're not sure what it is, but you really want to go to the doctor and sort it out before it gets too bad. Then when you get to the doctor you can explain to him you think it is OCD. May be if your parents want to go to the doctors with you, once they are in there you could just ask to have five minutes with the doctor by yourself.

Dont worry about driving yet before you even start. I never thought my son would drive, but suddenly he decided when the time was right he wanted to and passed his test with flying colours. I wont tell you he doesnt have difficult days because he does and he much prefers to drive when one of us is with him. But he has a fantastic car, which is one obsession he is allowed! :original:

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Guest sweetsugar

Hi James

It has already been mentioned that noone on here can diagnose you.maybe you should try to go and see a doctor. I have been thinking for ages to do it. i wanted to but i was worried. I am 15 too and I went to the doctors just the other week and i am waiting to see a psychologist. i am glad i went to the doctors.

Telling your parents can be hard and i know some people find it hard to understand, your parents may need to just read about it and to understand .

I have told a close friend a lot. she really helps me. maybe you could tell a really good friend if you feel ready?

good luck

:original:

Edited by sweetsugar
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Guest James.James

Thanks for both replies! :D

Carolj - Thanks. And thats a good idea; seeing if you can speak with the doctor for 5 mins or so alone. :) And yes, I'd say so - parents are probably scared of the outcome so just want to kind of ignore the fact that its there. :)

Sweetsugar - Thanks also. I have told a few of my really close friends about it. One don't seem to understand. However I have another friend who has OCD type things but no where near as bad as mine so they understand a bit better. :) How did you tell your parents?

Thanks! :D

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Guest sweetsugar

It's good you told your friend and one understands it well then. My dad doesn't really seem to understand so now i have been diagnosed i haven't really told him as i feel it is hard and he doesnt realise how it affects me.

My mum is really nice and i just started to tell her some of my obsessions/compulsions from time to time when i felt ready. i mainly told her in the evening when she was watching telly and on her own. My mum understands mental health issues and so for me just telling her from time to time just made her realise something wasnt right and then i asked to see a doctor and she seemed to put it off a bit. i kept saying i wanted to and finally the other weeks

she booked it and came along with me. try to break up telling them little things and say u would like to speak to the doctor as then they may recognise that perhaps what you are saying is serious and needs dealing with.

hope it helps

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Guest James.James
It's good you told your friend and one understands it well then. My dad doesn't really seem to understand so now i have been diagnosed i haven't really told him as i feel it is hard and he doesnt realise how it affects me.

My mum is really nice and i just started to tell her some of my obsessions/compulsions from time to time when i felt ready. i mainly told her in the evening when she was watching telly and on her own. My mum understands mental health issues and so for me just telling her from time to time just made her realise something wasnt right and then i asked to see a doctor and she seemed to put it off a bit. i kept saying i wanted to and finally the other weeks

she booked it and came along with me. try to break up telling them little things and say u would like to speak to the doctor as then they may recognise that perhaps what you are saying is serious and needs dealing with.

hope it helps

Thanks. :D

I think my Mum understands it more than my Father does. When I told Mum (the first time) she said we should get it checked out but then Dad said it 'was nothing' and that it doesn't need anything. So after all that nothing came of it. Then the second time I told Mum and Dad together and nothing came of it. So hopefully third time lucky when I speak to Mum first I can finally get somewhere.. Don't get my wrong, I love my Father, its just I don't think he understands how it makes me feel. :)

Thanks again! :)

Edited by James.James
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Guest James.James

Thanks Deb! :)

I still haven't told them, I am getting so scared for some unknown reason. I think I am just going to up to Mum, and just let it all out. How anxious I feel (like the way it makes me feel), how it effects school/life, then some of my symptoms. But still I am just so scared to do it. I'm not sure why.. *sigh*. I guess I'll have to gain the courage soon. ;)

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Thanks Deb! :)

I still haven't told them, I am getting so scared for some unknown reason. I think I am just going to up to Mum, and just let it all out. How anxious I feel (like the way it makes me feel), how it effects school/life, then some of my symptoms. But still I am just so scared to do it. I'm not sure why.. *sigh*. I guess I'll have to gain the courage soon. ;)

hi james

just wanted to wish you luck telling your parents again

i know its very hard to do it takes alot of courage i know

then prehaps show them this site to it could make things a little easier for them

to see how much you are worried by this

take care

nicky

x

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Guest James.James

Thanks Nicky.

Yeah I have considered showing them this site. I am just so scared for some odd reason. Thanks. The support from here though has made me much more confident. :)

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I guess I have the same problem, "telling the parents" has been almost impossible for me..

I live alone with my mother, we can say that I have no father since he doesn't care about me.

it very hard anyway, because she doesn't understand! she thinks that I'm just telling myself that i'm sick, and she keeps telling me that there is no such thing as ocd.

she thinks that it's all my fault, that I have nothing else to do then making up stories about problems that i don't even have. she thinks that i can stop whenever I want, that I WANT to be "sick". but hey, of course I can't stop!!! How am I supposed to get help when my own FAMILY doesn't see the problem??

It gets worse every day, and I don't even have anyone to talk to, noone understands since they have no idea what it feels like. I have seen many psychiatrists and stuff, but they just keep coming with stupid solutions.

it would be so much easier if my mother just TRIED to understand!

I have serious troubles sleeping as well, they came about the same time as the ocd started to get more serious. i only sleep like 5 hours each week. and OF COURSE, my mother has the answer (not) : it's all my fault because I eat too much/ eat too little. Or because I go to bed too late, spend too much/little/whatever time with the computer, do too little/much in the days so that I'm not tired at night, or maybe that I come home too late, all the things like that.

Sometimes she even gets mad at me for "pretending", and tells me things like "why don't we just lock you up at some institution if your problems are so ******* big?!"

maybe I should make some "specialist" talk to her and explain it, just because I can't do it myself?

What should I do? I can't take it anymore! How can i make her see that I need some sort of help, but still that I don't have to get locked in for treatment?

It isn't nessesary for my parents tp, what to say, "be a part of the treatment", is it?

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Hi there Zimmis, welcome to the forum. :original:

It must be so difficult when parents don't understand or simply refuse to learn about OCD and I ( a parent myself) have also come up against family members who "don't believe" in OCD. :sad:

You mentioned that you have seen doctors for treatment, has your mum attended any appointments with you at all? It may help if your doctor tries to explain your symptoms to your mum, that could be a good idea. :original:

Do you have any close friends who could be supportive also?

Any source of support can be a huge benefit.

I think these forums are great for that purpose and to learn so much.

Glad you found us Zimmis. Hope you find that threads like this one of James, helps you feel less "alone".

Best wishes, Deb

JAMES, glad the forums are helping! :original:

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 1 month later...

Dear James,

Im sorry to hear about your tough time. I am currently 17 and I have had OCD all my life. I was around 12 when I started to realise what it was and also tried twice to tell my Mother. First time, I wrote a note, like you, I was embarrassed and so didnt include much but when I got home she simply questioned "And what on earth is ODC?"- she had mis-read my letter! I was distraught and I know how hard it is when your parents dont take you seriously.

I often got told to stop "poncing around" and even as a child when I described blatant OCD symptoms like "needing to touch something the right way" people merely disregarded it as a little habit.

Telling parents is tough. I was terrified of their disappointment and the judgementalness of the family. But in the end, it will find a way of getting out somehow. For me, I had spent hours in the bathroom and the shower curtain was no longer up, leading to hours worth of water flooding downstairs and leaving major stains on the ceiling and carpet. I was soon taken to the doctors after that. So all those years I tried to conceal this disorder and it eventually came out anyway? I think that perhaps it would have been better to tell them afterall...

I really do sympathise with you and so understand what you are going through. Your family will love you regardless, they are just perhaps ignorant of the disorder and I still struggle today expressing with my Mum about OCD issues. Its as if she cant quite understand the logic in having it.

Whatever you decide to do is your decision, but I guess this is just a plea to you, that there is no point leaving it for years, letting it destroy your life when, if untreated, it could spiral out of control and be found out anyway.

Let me know how you get on, wishing you all the support you need.

LushAs

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I guess I have the same problem, "telling the parents" has been almost impossible for me..

I live alone with my mother, we can say that I have no father since he doesn't care about me.

it very hard anyway, because she doesn't understand! she thinks that I'm just telling myself that i'm sick, and she keeps telling me that there is no such thing as ocd.

she thinks that it's all my fault, that I have nothing else to do then making up stories about problems that i don't even have. she thinks that i can stop whenever I want, that I WANT to be "sick". but hey, of course I can't stop!!! How am I supposed to get help when my own FAMILY doesn't see the problem??

It gets worse every day, and I don't even have anyone to talk to, noone understands since they have no idea what it feels like. I have seen many psychiatrists and stuff, but they just keep coming with stupid solutions.

it would be so much easier if my mother just TRIED to understand!

I have serious troubles sleeping as well, they came about the same time as the ocd started to get more serious. i only sleep like 5 hours each week. and OF COURSE, my mother has the answer (not) : it's all my fault because I eat too much/ eat too little. Or because I go to bed too late, spend too much/little/whatever time with the computer, do too little/much in the days so that I'm not tired at night, or maybe that I come home too late, all the things like that.

Sometimes she even gets mad at me for "pretending", and tells me things like "why don't we just lock you up at some institution if your problems are so ******* big?!"

maybe I should make some "specialist" talk to her and explain it, just because I can't do it myself?

What should I do? I can't take it anymore! How can i make her see that I need some sort of help, but still that I don't have to get locked in for treatment?

It isn't nessesary for my parents tp, what to say, "be a part of the treatment", is it?

Dear Zimmis,

Sorry to double post but like James I understand where you are coming from too! I hinted at it earlier, but my Mum was hardly understanding with me either. I too, am living alone with her and even now she still struggles with some of the concepts of OCD.

At my worst, I was completely out of control, OCD was wreaking havoc on my life and all my Mother would scream at me (and its always screamed, never said, isnt it?) was "You're a selfish brat!" It would crush me. I loved my Mum to bits (still do!) and it hurt me beyond belief for her to think I was a bad person for something I couldnt help.

I was late constantly. I couldnt sleep. Then in the mornings I couldnt get up. My Mum used to say off-hand comments like "Stop poncing around or Ill take you to the doctor to me" (I wished she did!) when I was younger and even made comments like "Do you want to be locked up in some ward?!"

Hardly the supportive figure I always imagined? Like I said to James, I guess its a matter of biting the bullet. I know how often people throw around the idea of "just doing it" but it really is not that easy- I should know! In fact, I never did. I had a really bad incident in which I got taken to the doctor (and even then I refused to go in- he came out into the car and asked if I wanted to go inside!)- Finally, my Mum began to realise what I was going through was very much real and serious.

A wise friend to me explained that its not that my Mum hates me because of OCD and thus ignored it, just that its sometimes hard for parents to accept that their little baby has a very adult problem. She doesnt want you dealing with this- at your age and so could be denying it?

I have come to realise that its not a case of your family hating you, its just ignorance. My family were ignorant and it sounds like your Mum is being so too. Its just a lack of understanding. They dont realise how awful this is.

Have you been to the doctor? If so, I strongly recommend going. When I was taken, the doctor left major decisions down to me. "Would you like your Mum in the room?"- He asked. "When should our next appointment be?"- They shouldnt make any decisions you are not happy with- they want you to be happy with the direction of treatment so no, it is not compulsory for your Mum to be present.

Im having treatment now, with two therapists and one has taken appointments alone with my Mum to help her understand and come to terms with OCD. Perhaps you could suggest that to your doctor too?

Sorry about the long post, I guess I just wanted to justify my response and show you that you are not alone. I wanted to give you some information and perhaps show you that its not as scary as you might think (and I once thought.) Its a big step, but I guess at some point it needs to be done! Dont let it spiral out of control like it did for me.

Any questions, just ask and please let us know how you get on! Good luck James and Zimmis!

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