Worried...sorry to bother you.

[Iolana]

First off, sorry to bother all of you nice people. I feel bad because I haven’t been on here for a very, very long time.

I’ve had OCD for six years now, had a break down and then diagnosed when I was in the middle of university.

I’m twenty five now still at home and just finished my second batch of CBT this year.

Since I was last on this wonderful forum, I tried working but only lasted a week as I ended up breaking down in tears a very well known chemist.

I then started another six months of CBT.

My main nasty OCD problem is the thoughts. I have horrible nasty thoughts, those ones about kids and abuse and murder.

Even though I’ve been lucky to have two sets of CBT, those fears that I’m an evil nasty person are still with me, maybe not as strong as they use to be but still there.

Sorry if this post is all over the place. I’ve actually been scared to post for a while. Only this year I stopped hiding the key board with a piece of paper whenever I was on the net.

See I’m also scared of writing nasty horrible sickening stuff to strangers.

I have a love of stories most notably fan fiction (stories about tv shows and movies written by fans). Even though I would love to be able to contact other writers or even review their stories I can’t because I’m petrified of writing sick stuff to them and hurting them. I don’t want to hurt anyone, I hate these thoughts.

I guess that’s why I’m bugging all of you. See I’m freaking out because I keep thinking I’ve contacted one author and said really nasty stuff and then my head spirals out of control and I keep thinking she’ll die or someone close to her like her kids…and the thoughts are getting worst.

I then check to see if I’ve left the messages in the review section, and there isn’t but then when I get off the net I think I’ve left the sick message then. It’s a vicious nasty cycle!

I’m actually too scared to go into detail encase telling my worry has made it really happen.

Sorry I’m getting upset I don’t know what to write any more…

Any way I know why I’m doing this, the nasty thoughts because it’s Christmas. A lovely holiday but a bad time for millions. It’s sad but I still love Christmas, the presents and decorations and food! Even though I’m twenty five!

But every birthday and Christmas and my head goes crazy and I start getting panicky and upset and worried. I know I’m trying to stop myself from enjoying stuff from having anything nice but I can’t stop it.

I have a wonderful family who support me a lot and I love so very much and they understand what goes through my head, but I still hate all of this.

I’m sorry (fourth time lucky) :blushing: again for probably wasting your time. I’m just stuck and very worried.

I hope everybody does have a lovely Christmas.

Lots of Love Ally.

(I hope I didn't mess this post up)

[Rachie]

Hi Ally,

No need to feel bad that you haven't been on here for a while. People come and go, and return whenever they want/need/can, and that's fine.

I'm sorry your thoughts have been bad recently. It's good that you say they're not as bad as they have been, and I'm sure that's because of the CBT. How did your CBT help you to deal with the thoughts? What techniques did you use then? Are you able to use them at the moment?

It's hard but you have to stop the checking the review sections on the websites. And ideally you would contact the authors you want to and write some reviews. Perhaps you need some more therapy to help you work towards this goal, or if you have any literature from before that is helpful you could work through that again?

There's nothing wrong with still enjoying Christmas. It's a funny old time of year and I think a lot of people feel pressured to have a great Christmas. To quote a very wise woman, it's just another day and is over in the wink of an eye. Try not to get too worked up over it beforehand. There's no rule that we have to have a perfect Christmas.

Hope that helps a little.

Rach xx

[Iolana]

Rachie thank you so much, I don’t want to sound really sad but just receiving a reply has put a smile on my face.

I’ve been scared to leave posts because of what I might write but I’ve missed being amongst (in a internet cyber space kind of way) you wonderfully kind people.

I don’t have any friends and I’m scared of contacting people over the net so I get kind of lonely now and again.

I’m not working either, (something which has to change next year (petrified about that one) so without my wonderful family I’d just be stuck in my room.

Any way, thanks Rachie. Merry Christmas.

Lots of Love Ally.

[frankie]

lots of love to you

[Rachie]

Hello,

Well, you can post here anytime - it is a very friendly place indeed. If you become a paid-up member there are the general discussion forums and the arcade too which are good places to hang out.

If you're not working at the moment but plan to next year, that's bound to be scary but once you take that big step hopefully things will improve for you, and you will make some friends through working I am sure.

Please don't ever be afraid to post. Everyone is supportive here.

Hope you have a nice Christmas with your family and here's to a great new year for you!

Rach

[catherine]

Hi Ally

Yes, do feel free and able to post, none of us will judge you or think badly of you :original:

The more we can pool our resources and help each other the better for everyone.

Catherine :original:

[Guest Dragonfruit]

Hi Ally

Yeah - just wanted to reiterate everything that's been said really.

Use this board as a place to practise posting - you can see everything you've written and will know that it's all fine.

Hopefully that will encourage you to email the people you want to get in touch with.

You did really well posting today - big achievement - so well done :clapping: