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Guest thinker

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Guest thinker

Hi, I have been lurking around the boards for a long time and finally have taken the time to register so I can post too. I live in the United States. I have found this board to be most helpful to my particular OCD concerns and issues.

I was hoping that some of you might give me some feedback on this issue that I am having.

I am in relationship of 8 years with a 2 year old child. My relationship is OK but I am pretty unfullfilled. I want to leave the relationship but I think my OCD is making it so hard!

Just when I get the courage to leave my mind starts saying "you won't be happy if you leave" or "no one will ever make you happy" etc... I start going over and over these thoughts and then I get too scared to leave thinking that my mind is right - even though I know logically it makes no clear sense.

My pysch doc said it is probably OCD because of the "undoing" aspect. I am wanting to leave but have SOOOOOO much anxiety about it, that my OCD makes me "undo" the thought of leaving by saying that I should not leave.

I am so frustrated! I feel so stuck and depressed. I have a LONG history of OCD, mostly pure O traits, but I have huge mental complusions and research compulsions.

I feel like I would be better if I left, but my OCD makes me DOUBT myself.

Anyone experienced anything like this before? Any advice would be great.

Thanks!!!

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Guest Steviemfc

Hi Thinker

Welcome to the board.

The more I speak to different people with OCD, the more I realsise that this OCD 'relationship' symptom is quite common.

Although I cannot relate directly to your symptoms, I too have similar thoughts, only in reverse. I am currently in a 5 year relationship which is getting stronger all the time. When I feel that the relationship can't get any better, the OCD generally kicks in with thoughts like 'do I really love this person' 'The relationships over' 'Is she the one' etc... It's really frustrating and feels so real. I can totally understand your anxiety.

All I can suggest is that you try and differentiate between the truth and the OCD and do what you feel is right. I know how very difficult this is though!

Good luck and take care

Stevie

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Guest thinker

Stevie,

Thanks for the reply. I have heard of your thoughts being fairly common for people with OCD. It must be frustrating for you to not "give-in" to the obsessions and doubts.

I welcome any other responses or similar experiences. I am really stuck here as I cannot figure out if I am supposed to be leaving or if my OCD is making me doubt my instincts.....I feel so lost in head at times! :mad2:

thanks.

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Guest Hypnosinc

Hi Thinker,

Welcome to the site.

I'm assuming your reasons for wishing to leave the relationship are definitely not OCD-related. You say it is because you feel unfulfilled, and I can respect that as a motive. Whatever decision you reach must be what is right for you, without regard to either the other party or to your OCD. That does sound pretty heartless, I know, but staying in a relationship that is going nowhere will have dire consequences on your own well-being. No maybes about it.

Will you survive the separation? That is the doubt that always underlies such a decision, and the fact is you will, OCD notwithstanding. Of course it might not feel at times that you are surviving, but you do get a little stronger each day. It is true what they say, separation is like a bereavement, and after a period of "mourning", you have to pick yourself up and get on with your life.

One of the big problems here, will be the degree to which your partner has been supportive in your struggle wth OCD. If they haven't been particularly supportive, then frankly there is no big deal about separating. You're not going to miss what you never had. But if they have been there for you, you can go through all sorts of guilt and shame. I don't know that that is really avoidable, but what I do know is that you cannot allow it to affect your decision. The bottom line must always be - what do you require for your personal development? Now, do not expect OCD to come up with helpful answers on that one. In fact as a rule of thumb, I would say, listen to what the OCD tells you,

and then do the exact opposite. :mad2:

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Guest FobicFairy

Hi Thinker,

Welcome to the board, I can't really say much more than Hypno other than 'ditto'. You know in your heart of hearts what is best for you, fight the OCD and do what you need to do to feel good about yourself again. Easier said than done I know, when I moved out from living with someone when I was in an abusive relationship they said I wouldn't cope alone and I believed them. The truth was that when I finally did it it was the making of me, I felt so empowered to be totally in control of my own life. I do hope it works out the same for you.

Whatever you decide to do we are always here for you to talk to :mad2:

FF

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Guest thinker

Hypnosinc,

Thanks for you insightful reply. What you say makes perfect sense even for an OCD'er :dry:

I do believe the I "eroding" in the relationship and to stay is probably more harmful for my mental health than the risks involved in leaving.

As far as his support, well it is ok. He just makes comments like "your obsessing" and little remarks as I am carrying out my compulsions/obsessions. I guess supportive is not the word for him, rather tolerant would be more appropriate.....Of course, he has his own issues anyways.

I just cannot stand that lock in my brain! Everytime I get close to leaving, I find some new obsession to "distract" me from leaving which is, of course, the real issues I am avoiding. For the last year, everytime I got the courage to leave I would find a new mental illness to obsess about. I spent an entire year CONVINCED that I had borderline personality disorder. I did 4-5 hours of research EVERYDAY to convince myself that i was borderline.....I even went so far as to attend borderline groups as a "volunteer" so I could see if I was like them. I have read EVERY book on the issue etc.......My new obsessions that are taking over are suicide, histrionic personality, cyclothymia and hospitalization. I was/am searching for some reason to "undo" the though that of leaving which is what I want and also wants causes so much distress. :mad2:

I love your advice about doing the opposite of what OCD is telling you. I am a therapist in the US and will not only apply that personally but professionally - thank you.

Fobic -

Thanks for sharing your story. Lucky for me my relationship is not abusive, just empty and going nowhere.....It takes a lot of courage to leave, you should be proud. I hope that soon I can say the same.

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Hi thinker,

I have the same OCD thought symptoms as Steviemfc. Therefore, I do understand how difficult it is to distinguish whether the thoughts are real or fake. I read somewhere once that if the thoughts bring on anxiety, etc. then it is probably the OCD's doing. If the thoughts don't bring anxiety (not to the extreme extent that OCD does anyhow) and that they are logical and 'do' make sense, then they are probably real feelings. I find it's when it doesn't make sense that it's most likely to be the OCD talking.

What I did want to mention though, is that in reading yours and the others' posts, you haven't actually talked in detail about your actual relationship problems - only really your OCD and that your relationship isn't fulfilling. From a logical point of view and ignoring the OCD for a moment, can you list any positive attributes your relationship brings you? For example, do you love your partner? Is the relationship worth saving? Have you taken into consideration your child's well-being? Because although you are not feeling fulfilled right now, don't forget that it's not just you in the relationship but you also have your child to think about. What I'm trying to say is, everybody goes through their rough patches (believe me, I've had many), but are you sure it's not for example the '7yr itch'? Have you considered relationship counselling for the two of you? There are always other options to take first, before considering the final route of leaving.

I also feel that I have to mention this. If you are feeling unfulfilled, are you sure it's the relationship making you feel that way? I understand that you need support, love, respect, etc. from the person you share your life with, but surely the fulfillment should come from within. Do you have hobbies? Perhaps you could do something exciting and different that would give you a new perspective on life. Maybe start a course at college in something you enjoy - just for the fun of it! It's amazing to share your life with someone else and to grow with that person - but it doesn't mean your life needs to be unfulfilling. Have you been on a break with your partner recently? A holiday?

You can tell me to :confused1: if I'm completely off track with this one, but from personal experience, I walked out on a relationship a year back, and although I wouldn't get back with that person now because I have partly moved on in that sense and there were other problems in the relationship, my first advice to people now who are considering doing the same, is to really think hard about whether that's what you want or not. If it's worth saving, don't give up. Have you tried communicating with him about how you're feeling? If it's not worth saving and you really feel in your heart that it's time to move on, then only you can decide on the path you take. Believe me, the grass is not always greener on the other side, and there is no reason you can't live a fulfilling life and still be with the one you love to share your experiences with.

Sorry my post is so long and I also apologise if what I've said doesn't apply in your case. But I always think there are all these things to consider before walking out. There is no turning back so you need to know what is right in your heart and then just take the leap in whatever direction you choose is the correct one for you.

Maybe I'm just an old romantic at heart? :lol:

Take care,

Andrea

xx

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Guest thinker

OCD 13 -

Thanks for your thoughtful and insightful reply....I take all input into consideration.....that is why I asked - so thank you.

To answer a few questions......We have been together about 8 years with a 2 year old. Our relationship is not "bad" but it is boring and empty really. My partner is not to blame, I think that we have simply went different ways over the last few years....When I met him in college my interests personally and in my partner were so different from now. I thought he was "cute" and that was what mattered to me at 20 years old (i am 28 now). :confused1:

Do you have hobbies? Perhaps you could do something exciting and different that would give you a new perspective on life. Maybe start a course at college in something you enjoy - just for the fun of it!

For a little feedback, I am in graduate school (almost finished) with a masters in social work. I have two jobs, lots of friends, etc.... I have hobbies and many things that I enjoy. I feel personally pretty fulfilled (I think???? - OCD makes me question everything). I actually think it these things, friends and school etc, that have changed my feelings about the relationship not being right for me. :lol:

From a logical point of view and ignoring the OCD for a moment, can you list any positive attributes your relationship brings you? For example, do you love your partner? Is the relationship worth saving? Have you taken into consideration your child's well-being

Of course there are many positive things. He is a great father and is faithful and true to me. I love him as a friend and my child's father. I just feel that I have outgrown the relationship. Our fundemental values, interests and beliefs are no the same anymore.....It feels I have grown while he has remained the same....And of course I beat myself about the child being without her dad on a full-time basis. But I keep thinking that mom's happiness is critical as is her father's. I am not sure either of us is happy at this point.

And what you said about fulfillment coming from within is absoultely correct! :( I think that I cannot seem to find that while in this relationship. Part of my reason for needing to leave is that I have never really been alone, rather always clinging to him.....I feel that I cannot be happy with anyone until I prove to myself that I can handle being alone and take care of myself.......

The funny thing is that I am not dependent on him for anything. He does not work - part of the problem! He is very lazy and terribly depressed. He sleeps most of the time and I support the family on my salary. He has lots of goals and dreams but after waiting eight years, NOTHING has happened. I am tired of waiting. I want a partner that is strong and capable.....I want and NEED to respect my partner for their strength, motivation and drive. I feel that I am equipped with these tools, but I need a partner that encourages me to do better and be more.....I do not want to speak ill of him as he does provide daycare for my daughter, which is wonderful for all of us. I have of course encouraged, and almost forced, him into treatment for depression but he refuses, so I have tried.

I like to be challenged in a relationship - especially emotionally and mentally. In addition, with OCD, I need someone with understanding of mental health and someone willing to ride the tides with me. :grin:

I have been contemplating "leaving" for two years now. It is sad but I really did not see the faults of our relationship until I grew up and we had a child. And although I would like to be "in love" one day with someone.....I first want to be alone so that I learn to be happy with just me.....of course I have my little girl, so I will never be alone - which is probably one of the things that gives me the strength and desire to want more for myself and her.

The other problem is that our relationship never was really great. We are good friends and although I was crazy (lustful and obsessed) with him, he never felt the same. In many ways, I feel like I "forced" him into being with me, although he denies this.......However, we never had any romance or loving things....I have never even felt like he really thought I was good looking. I guess I have always longed to be with someone that truly adored me for who I am - OCD, imperfections and all! :D

Hope this helps. I am so confused. I cry all the time now. I just cannot make a decision and my OCD is out of control with mental compulsions about this relationship.....My OCD makes me think there is no options, that I am stuck, I will go crazy if I leave, I will kill myself, I cannot handle it, I will regret it, I will be a bad mother and every other NEGATIVE thing that could happen......and YET there is still the little piece of me that really thinks in the LONG run, after loneliness and pain, I will be a better person, mom and partner to someone.

Thanks for the advice.

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Hi there thinker,

Now that you have gone into more detail about your relationship, I can understand why you are feeling the way you do. From reading through what you have written, I think it's safe to say that you have answered your own questions. You've thought about it logically and you've considered what you want out of life. It seems to me that you have been with him since you were 20 years old, and it's true that at that age, you can grow out of someone. I had my first serious relationship at 15, and although he broke up with me, eventually I noticed how immature he was and how he no longer brought anything to the relationship, and I realised I was better off without him. I am now 24, and although it's quite young - I feel a lot older as I have been through a hell of a lot with various partners, etc. I have been 'officially' single for over a year now, and although I held on to my ex quite a bit - I think I was afraid of being alone. However, I do feel that from my experiences, I do want to settle down now.

I suspect you are feeling the opposite to me. I've had 5 serious relationships since I was 15 and do want to settle down with someone - whereas you have been with one person since you were aged 20, and so it probably feels now like you need to be your own person for a while. I think everybody is different and each person will crave different things at different times in their lives and only you know what feels right. It seems like you want to grow even more, but you're in a time machine with your partner and he wants to stay 'back there'.

If you know it is definitely the OCD from stopping you leaving, and that you can't see yourself being happy if you stay with your partner, then I think you already know what you need to do. Everything we do in life is a risk - but if you don't take that unexpected turn round the corner, you'll never know what lies ahead. OCD doesn't like risk-taking - hence it also being known as the 'doubting disease'. Whenever somebody has to make a major decision regarding their life or loved ones, even non-OCD'ers find this incredibly difficult - so it's normal for your OCD to crop up again like this when you are trying to make a major decision. I think you need to decide what is right for you, tell yourself 'this is just the OCD talking - I can do this', and then take that leap. Try to think positively - you say after the pain, you can see yourself being a better person - so focus on becoming that person. Negative thinking comes from our minds - you mention that you have that little piece of you who thinks positively - so that is probably coming from your heart. If this relationship is holding you back and stopping you from growing as a person - then you need to take action. Whether that is relationship counselling or leaving the relationship is entirely up to you, but don't forget this is your life and it's not a rehearsal.

Now I just need to follow my own advice regarding some major decisions I have to make! :confused1:

I hope that helps a little.

Take care,

Andrea

xx

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