Feeling low

[Sarahb]

I suffer from low self esteem and have no confidence either. I think I have always been this way. As far back as I can remember.

This week (Wednesday to Wednesday) has been a low week for me. My self esteem has hit an all time low and my mood is also very low. I just don't think I am good enough at anything. My job for instance. I feel I am really inadequate compared to the other LSAs. I just don't seem as good as everyone else. Anything I put my mind to I seem to be below average at it. I haven't felt this low in a while.

I have just had my weekly therapy session. My therapy says I chose to be depressed. I choose to believe I am useless at my job and other activities. She thinks this is because it is comfortable not to change. This has really shocked me, because I wish I was super confident and didn't have anxiety issues. I hate myself so much and don't want to be this Sarah anymore. I really hate myself and don't believe there is anything to like.

Do we choose to be low/anxious etc??

Sarah

xx

Edited February 6, 2008 by Guest

[Guest catwoman]

Hello Sarah

I get really low and believe i am not good at anything it's difficult isn't it i can definately understand how you feel

i am sure if you weren't good at your job management would have told you.

I have times i hate myself usually when i am stressed and anxious try and do things you enjoy and take care of yourself when

you feel like this.It will pass and is probably depression/anxiety.Go easy on yourself

catwoman

[Guest legend]

People dont choose sarah, its an illness that takes over without realising,

Nobody chooses to be depressed, what a stupid thing to say, but that normally comes from someone who

has not been there,

I think you have done remarkably well. you held down a job, done it brilliantly, but the self doubting has made you

feel otherwise,

It is hard when you get into this pattern of thinking, its easy to put yourself down, but try not to,

as i said before, you have done really well, yes there are doubts, but ignore them, carry on with what you are

doing, because what others do means nothing.

[whitebeam]

Hi Sarah,

I agree with legend; we don't choose to be low or anxious; we don't choose to be depressed. I am surprised that your therapist has said so - it seems to me a thoughtless thing to say.

Please don't hate yourself; I'm sure you have a lot of good qualities and that there is a lot in you to like.

I've read through your story of getting a job, staying with it and so on and you have done really well. Working in a school environment can be stressful (as, I guess can any job) but you have stayed with it and are still there - battling sometimes, but sticking with it.

Hope that you will soon feel a bit better in terms of low self esteem and so on - it is a problem with any anxiety-based problem - but stick with it and believe in yourself.

Take care

whitebeam

[Sarahb]

thanks for your replies :original:

I don't know whether my therapist has been through OCD, depression and low self esteem. She always seems very confident and happy to me. I do like her and think she has helped me a great deal with the OCD. I just don't know how to make myself happy again and anxiety free, if I have 'chosen' to be this way. '

How could anyone want to be this way?? I don't mind swapping.

Sarah xx

[Guest sweetie]

Hello Sarah,

Just wanted to say that I understand and can empathise with you. I have very low self esteem at the moment too. I have battling with low self esteem for years. So I know how bad it feels coupled with depression too. I often feel full of self hatred. I don't choose to hate myself and have low self esteem..I just seem to have it automatically without even thinking anything. Those that have never experienced it can probably never understand what it feels like.

I hope it improves for you though Sarah. Try, as hard as it is, not to run yourself down. I am my own worst critic and am hard on myself without even realising it half the time. There are some very good books on building up self esteem. It's difficult when your in the middle of what seems like a 'low self esteem attack' to see the wood for the trees. But afterwards when you've got time to reflect and read up on it perhaps that will help you when you get another poor self esteem attack.

We must start to love ourselves.

Take care Sarah.

Thinking of you.

xx

[Rachie]

Hi there Sarah. I think your therapist used unfortunate words in what she said, but I think what she was probably getting at was that we can choose to do certain things in order to help ourselves get better, and perhaps she feels that sometimes you hold yourself back? I don't know. I don't think we choose to be ill but I do think we have a big role in getting better which is usually a very hard thing. You have been working really hard with your job and you do lots of creative things too which is great - if you didn't point this out to her, then do so next time you see her!

I think it's irrelevant whether or not our therapists have suffered from depression, low self esteem or OCD - but being a good communicator is vital. You say she has helped you a lot with your OCD, so it sounds as though she is worth sticking with. Perhaps next time you see her you could tell her how this made you feel and ask her why she said it?

Rach xx

[Guest h_777]

hi sarah

i'm sorry i haven't been in touch nearly as much as i should recent;y. i feel bad. first know that i am still here for you hunny. :blushing:

i know your therapist probably really upset you with what she said about choosing. on some level i think she has a point and please no one get angry at me for that. but i think it is possible to choose the way you want to be and to make changes to get to that point. it is horrible to feel depressed of course i know that and it feels like we have no choice because we can't see a way to make ourselves better. but i think you can choose to always try to see the good things about your day and your life, and you can choose to go out and socialise and try new things that scare you and accept that you can't be perfect but it doesn't matter.

i know i choose my depression because in a twisted way i think it is easier and i know it and i understand it weirdly and i don't want to always be a happy confident person because then no one will want to help me and comfort me and i will be expected to do everything that i don't think i can do. and i choose to be depressed. i start to feel better and it scares me so i deliberately go backwards again. just like if i start to feel close to someone i get scared so i break up with them. because being happy and feeling better means moving on with your life and i am scared of that.

of course this is just the way i am and if it is not you then i apologise and i am sorry because the therapist might be wrong about you. but i just understood what she was saying and i wanted to explain.

x

[Sarahb]

Thanks Holly.

My therapist wants me to look at why I hate myself. The trouble is there is so much to hate. The main thing is the lack of confidence in myself. Why do I have to be this way? So shy and unsure. I don't know how to change that. I can't :down: I fear that I will make a fool of myself and that everything will go wrong. That I will make mistakes. I am not allowed to make mistakes and if I do I have to punish myself by purposefully destroying things or self harming. My therapist says that this is partly attention seeking and maybe it is. Maybe I just want people to understand me and the way I am. To see past the anxiety and shyness. Life is passing me by and I don't know how to change things. I am so lost :crybaby:

[whitebeam]

I am not allowed to make mistakes

Sarah, Everyone makes mistakes at some time or other. Please don't give yourself such a hard time - give yourself a break.

Take care :original:

whitebeam

[ACE]

Sarah I remember once my Dr said to me maybe I like feeling the way I do,I thought it was strange looking back on that because he's said to me several times I know you don't make yourself depressed and if you did how exactly would you do it to yourself?I tend to feel like that alot thinking maybe I just am not good enough and should've progressed alot further,but my Dr says I know you try your best who would want to be depressed?

[catherine]

My therapy says I chose to be depressed. I choose to believe I am useless at my job and other activities. She thinks this is because it is comfortable not to change.

I don't think your therapist meant that you 'want' to be depressed...the way I read it is that she is saying that we can sometimes fall into a trap of becoming comfortable in the known situation and I think there is some truth in that for everyone. Think of the woman with the abusive partner, to the outside world everyone things she should up sticks and leave him. And yet somewhere in there is the feeling that 'I'll stick with what I know' rather than risk something unknown even if everyone knows that is the better option. I'm just using that as an analogy and know your situation is different.

But it is easy to become comfortable in a depressive regime such as what you are living in inside your head. It doesn't exactly mean you want it, but rather that it is sometimes easier to live with the status quo than it is to challenge it and burst free.

I actually think I was like this when I had my first period of depression many years ago. But since then I have seen that there is a better alternative and I've become comfortable with that...its what we get used too.

So I wouldn't take your therapists comments as a direct attack on your attitude. I think she was trying to explain what can happen when people develop a long standing low self esteem and depressive framee of mind.

...But I also think its her job to support you in helping yourself to come out of this state.

Catherine :original: