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very bad day


Guest sweetie

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Guest sweetie

I'm not sure if it's my tummy bug that's making my OCD worse, but emotionally I feel in very bad way today. I've been crying and feel bad about it because I am looking after my daughter on my own today. Husband is at work until 7 pm.

I had a difficult/unhappy childhood which has really effected me in adulthood and I don't think I'm over it or ever will be and my OCD latches onto that and makes me feel guilty for thinking bad thoughts about my parents. Even before my dad phoned this morning, I was having bad thoughts about them and then he phoned. I feel in a mess this afternoon and started back on suicidal thoughts again because I can't stand the thoughts and how depressed they make me feel. I don't love my parents with all my heart so nobody can say that for me to believe it. I think I'll feel better when they've gone. I have better days when I don't think about them. I didn't even want them around my bed in hospital when my daughter was born. My parents have no idea how I think of them. It's only a sense of duty and not wanting to hurt anyone that stops me saying anything or putting an end to our relationship. It would be difficult anyway as they only live at the bottom of the hill from us.

It always triggers me off when there's a birthday or dad phones. I can't really tell dad that I don't want or need them even if it is true. My husband and daughter are all I want. But I don't know how to make the bad feelings go away. I don't want to feel like I'm a bad person because of the way I feel about them but I can't help it. If I wasn't around anymore I would have ruined my daughter's life as well, or maybe she would be ok, I don't know.

Just wish I wouldn't get like this. I can't stand it. Every time I get this down I feel like a failure.

The bad atmosphere at work doesn't help. The two young girls in a room of only 6 people who won't speak to each other and having a line manager who doesn't communicate with us doesn't help. I wish my psychiatrist appointment was earlier so I could try some different meds. Can't stand feeling like this.

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Hi sweetie

I'm so sorry you are feeling depressed and down today and it sounds like you have been doing a lot of fretting over your parents.

What do you think might help you feel a bit better and help you get through this spell? Do you have strategies you have used in the past which you can draw upon again?

I think it is important to draw on your emotional skills as well as looking to the meds, but having said that it might be an idea to phone your Psych sec and ask if your apt could be brought forward. Bear in mind that it can take 4-6 weeks anyway for the antidepressant meds to have a real impact.

Talk to hubby tonight about your feelings and get things off your chest, I'm sure that will help release some of your tension.

Please let us know how you get on.

Catherine :original:

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Guest sweetie

Thanks for replying Catherine.

I had a cry down the phone on a mental health helpline earlier. I couldn't stand the tension any longer. The lady was very kind. They are people who have had training in counselling but you can't help but think they don't really care, and it's all really artificial. Mind you it's the same when you go to see the psychiatrist isn't it? They don't really know you because you talk to them for a short while, see them a month or so later and after their 6 month stint they go and you have to see a stranger again who has to get to know you again. There's no way I'm seeing the consultant ever again.

Hubby knows what my main worries are and knows how I feel about the family. I just don't want to keep going on about it to him.

It did help offloading a bit though to the helpline. She recommended that I phone daily while I'm not getting any support. I don't think I want to do that but at least the service is there for when I get a really bad day. I feel bad for calling them really, but I feel so low I didn't feel much use as a mother today. Poor little Sweetie. I don't want to drag her down. I did my best to put a smile on for her, but it was all false and you can only keep it up for so long. I took her to the swings and pretended to be happy, but it wasn't working and I started crying instead.

I think I will call the psychiatrist's secretary, but I don't think they will be able to fit me in because the SHO is away for most of March, she said, but we'll see.

I do try to distract myself when I have intrusive upsetting thoughts but I find it hard to keep upsetting thoughts at bay even when I'm busy sometimes. At least hubby is home now and is off tomorrow.

Thanks Catherine. Thanks for caring, I feel so down.

xx

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Hi sweetie

I'm pleased hubby is home, that should cheer you up a bit :original:

Please don't feel bad about using helplines etc as I do believe that the people do genuinely care. Mostly they are volunteer counsellors who have a very compassionate outlook.

Yes I know what you mean about the 6 month doc rotation, it doesn't lend itself to establishing long term relationships :dry:

I hope tomorrow is a better day for you :original:

Take care, Catherine

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Guest sweetie

Thanks Catherine.

I suppose taking it day by day is the best way. I'm so glad I've got hubby home now. Him just being here calms me.

Thanks again.

xx

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Guest hayley73

You know Sweetie the old saying of 'you can choose your friends but your can't choose your family' is so true. I know for a fact that there are certain family members that I wouldn't have chosen!!!!! Don't know if you remember my family problems that kicked off last year? Well they are still not resolved. In fact the family has spilt over it all. Yes it hurts and makes me angry. But I do try to concentrate on the people that bring me the most happiness and thats my hubby and kids. Don't feel bad that you just want your hubby and child. After all why would we want people that cause us pain?

Hubby feels the same about his family. He says he only stays in touch with his parents cause of his son. They have caused him pain, big time. Whats worse is that they refuse to recognise it. But as he says to me 'I have all the family I need here' (refering to me and the kids).

Stop beating yourself up. :original:

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Guest frazzle

Hi Sweetie just wanted to send a hug or 2 :hug: :hug: I hope you feel better soon luvvy remember tummy bugs can make you feel really low they always really drag me down so hopefully you'll feel a bit better when it's gone make sure you're drinking plenty of fluids. Use the phone lines if you need too I have in the past. Take care.

Frazzle xxx

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Guest sweetie

Thanks Hayley and Frazzle,

I think I might be yearning inside for my mum and dad to have been loving parents. I do feel very sad about it if I'm honest and cheated. I've just watched AI where the life like robotic boy yearns for his owner/or his mum to love him as if he were a real boy. Just cried buckets and thought yeah I would have loved that too.

Sorry to sound so pathetic.

Thanks for your kindness. I'm sure the tummy bug is making me feel low Frazzle. Still can't eat yet. Probably a bit dehydrated too. I'm sure I'll make up for it.

Thanks for your kindness. Thanks for reminding me about your family troubles too Hayley.It's so difficult not to let the past drag you down. I think I'm only keeping in touch with everyone for littlun's sake too.

All the best and thanks again.

xxxxxx

PS thanks for the hugs Frazzle xxxxx

Edited by Guest
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Hi Sweetie,

I hope you are feeling better again soon. Having a tummy bug probably is making you feel lower. Are you able to keep any food or drinks down yet? I think sipping water is a good idea, if you can keep it down, just so you don't get too dehydrated.

I'm glad you have the helpline. As Catherine says, they do care because they are often volunteers who do it because they are compassionate - rather like us really! You don't have to know someone to have genuine compassion for them. I'm sure you have it for lots of people you hear about. I would use it whenever you need to talk to someone - it is what they are there for. And of course post here whenever you want to as well.

Little Sweetie will be a very happy person because her parents love her and give her a lot of time and attention.

How often do you see your parents and sister? Did you say it's just on birthdays and Christmas? Perhaps you and your husband could work out a plan to see less of them? It sounds as though it doesn't really benefit you at all - but do you think Little Sweetie appreciates it?

Take care - you are special and deserve to be happy.

Rach xx

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Guest sweetie

Hi Rachie,

Feeling a bit better today all round. Keeping drinks down, but still feel queasy. Not sure whether to or what to eat but I'm sure it'll go soon. It'll be nice to feel hungry again and not having massive bloating at the mere sight of food.

Thanks for reassuring me about the helpline. There's nothing worse than feeling like your all alone in the world and yes some of them certainly do come across as genuinely caring people. The lady I spoke to yesterday was lovely and I have spoken to her before and she's always been sweet and kind and encourages me to use the helpline, but then I'm thinking why? She says some people phone every day just for a chat sometimes if they're lonely.

I hope your right and little Sweetie will be happy. I worry about her too much because of my own upbringing. She certainly seems happy though and we have a very good relationship. It takes the edge off my anxiety about that when hubby is around because I don't feel totally responsible for her happiness then.

Thanks for your support here too Rachie and everyone on the forum. Thanks to OCD UK for being there, and thanks for your kind words.

As regards my family, well I think I've just got to try and distract my thoughts lots so I don't think about them. I know it's the OCD latching onto it. It's not easy letting go of things that have hurt you when you've got OCD. It's a very cruel illness. I only wish I realised I had OCD years ago and would have sought treatment for it earlier.

Feeling much better today after a good night sleep. Things don't seem so bleak and hubby makes me laugh.

Thanks again Rachie.

xxx

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Guest frazzle

Glad you're feeling a bit better Sweetie bland foods are probably best till your tummy recovers I find rice easy to eat when my tummy is not happy. :original: xxx

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