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OCD destroying relationship with partner


Guest Chezza

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Guest Chezza

Hi;

I don't post much on here but I have plucked up the courage because I am struggling enormously and could do with some help and advice. I have been with my boyfriend for 6 months and we were friends for a few months before that. Although we haven't been together that long it has moved extremely quickly and has been very intense. Due to my ocd I find being in a relationship extremely stressful at the best of times. I also have extreme PMT which really doesn't make things any easier.

I am currently signed off work because everything has come to a head and I'm suffering from bad depression. I keep on having thoughts that I don't really love him, that I'm ruining his life and dragging him down with me, and obsess about silly things like the number of kisses he puts at the end of a text or how many times we laugh together in comparison to other couples etc etc.

I get very upset a lot of the time and seem to be crying constantly. He has said it is very hard for him to cope and see me struggle, knowing that he can't do anything, which I can appreciate. We had even mentioned the possibilty of marriage but I don't think that will ever happen because he now says we should just see how things go.

Two really important things in my life seem to be going wrong; my relationship and my work. Any advice?

Thank you.

Chezza

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Guest panix2007

Hey Chezza,

Kudos to you for having the courage to post. Although I have little experience with relationships, I think that communication is always the key. Perhaps you could sit down with him and tell him how you're feeling - explain to him that you know it's irrational but that it makes things difficult and that you don't want to put any additional burdens on him.

Also, are you getting any treatment for the OCD symptoms and depression? I'm sure a doctor or therapist would be able to recommend something. In any event, hang in there!

- Chris

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Guest alison

hiya chezza

sorry to hear you are having a rough time!!

first of all, work...

i too went off work as my ocd was too much for me to handle,

can i ask if your work has an occupational health department??

mine have been fantastic, if you have access to one, use them, get them to help you ease yourself back into work...

if not, mention to your gp/therapist about the problems you arew experiencing with work.

secondly, relationships!!!

all relationships have ups and downs, ocd or not...

your boyfriend sounds like he could do with learning a bit more about your ocd, as he says he is struggling to cope...

maybe get him to read some stuff off the website, i found that helped my boyfriend.

as for you mentioned marriage and he says see how things go!

that means nothing!!!

i myself want to get married to my b/f, but realistically you never know whats round the corner, i too say "lets see how things go".

your priority atm is to get yourself into some kind of treatment, as panix says are you getting any??

you and your boyfriend need to work at your relationship if you want it to work (we all do!) so thats a bit of understanding on his part, appreciation hes trying on yours...

i really dont mean to sound patronising here but it is early days in your relationship, so thats why you need to focus on yourself.

if your boyfriend is worth sticking with he will try to stand by you.

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Guest Cupcake

Hi Chezza,

My boyfriend finds it hard sometimes with me, but now i have explained about ocd and what i am going through he is finding it easier.

he is glad I am not shutting him out.

Its only normal to feel guilty but remember if someone loves you they will choose to stick by you.

As for work i found it better being in a job that isnt so stressful, or maybe try working part time. I find personally that not working at all for a long time makes me worse. I dwell on things and get bored.

hope this helps xxx

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Guest summerleft

Quite understand where you are coming from, I agree with Alison your BF needs to learn a little more about OCD, maybe some web pages to read or a book. Its very stressful for any partner of someone with OCD.

Mine has been great but its not all been plain sailing, you will have ups and downs and unfortunately probably more than most people. But you both need to communicate - talk regularly about things, let him feel useful by talking to him about how you feel.

Don't loose hope I married mine 7 weeks ago, we still have issues but he said as long as I always try he will support me.

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Hi,

I don't post much either, but i sympathised with you. I am a boyfriend. My girlfriend sounds to be in a very similar situation to you and we struggle a lot of the time. We got together in our first years of uni and OCD became an issue about 6 months in. I found it a very steep learning curve and i hope i can offer some advice from my experience as we have been together for 6 years now.

Firstly, if and when you argue, you need to distinguish between OCD/PMS annoyance and a genuine arguement (which is the hardest thing of all i think). You should tell you bf that if the problem has stemmed form OCD then he shouldn't take anything to heart and i find this helps end the arguement quicker (which is good for OCD).

Secondly, does he do (m)any compulsions for you? You may want to suggest it is not his place to 'help' you by completely going against you to try and help you get better. It should be your decision to stop. This is not always ideal and you should always 'play by ear', but if you both know where the other is coming from then it can help. I found it actually made my gf more likely to decide to do something rather than relying on my 'judgement' which was hard.

Education is always key, so you should learn together. As i have learned on my rheology PhD nobody knows everything about anything. Plus my gf says "the more your thinking about OCD whilst it not being a complusion or obsession, the easier you can get used to 'tracking' your behaviour and get used to getting better".

Find something to help your bf with. This is apparently very rewarding and can give good values of self worth in a relationship i think. My gf is helping me with my publications for research as she has far supiror spelling and grammer skills (well if i'm being honest scientific skills as well). NB: I appologise for all my mistakes in this message!

Finally: this may seem less important, but it isn't. Have a competition with something, like a game or computer game (racing fast is good). It is good fun and helps you reconnet at times. Competing seems to really add a distraction value to things. One of the many games we play is simply mine sweeper (on any computer). My best interediate time is 65 seconds, hers is 42 seconds (damm!), but i think OCD helps. LOL!

I really hope this helps, stick at it and remember "to notice somebody is a pain in the ****, you have to be an **** to feel it"

All my best

Dave

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