Responsibility, guilty, feel scared

[Iolana]

I’m sorry if this doesn’t make sense or I’m wasting your time…

For seven years I’ve had OCD mostly pure O, fears of killing people, setting fires, poisoning, everything and anything but the main one has always been the fear that I have abused kids or that I might.

I’ve had two bouts of CBT and they dealt with many problems, including making it possible for me to leave the house on my own and even stay in certain rooms in my home on my own but the main one has never been tackled and now I wish it had. I’ve just had the biggest trigger that I’ve ever experienced and I haven’t felt this physically and mentally bad since I had my breakdown.

Two days ago I got upset about something and sought out reassurance from my mum (I’m 26 still at home) in the conversation she tried to convince me that I’m not a child abuser because she knew the characteristics. That night it hit me what she said and my head went to the darkest of places.

Next morning I broke down petrified (still am) she tried to explain to me, that she’d heard about someone from a friend who’d been sexually abused as a child in the 60’s/70’s and it was in the past and the abuser was dead… but I don’t believe it’s in the past.

All I can think about right now is that there’s an abuser out there right now hurting kids and I’m not doing nothing to put a stop to it.

This is finally the proof that I’m a bad, evil sick person worst then a paedophile because I’m not taking action. I’ve never had such solid proof before and I’m in such a scary dark place.

Forget what I’ve been told, all I can think is that how do I really know he’s dead (so much uncertainty), I don’t know any details, what if the man isn’t dead? What if it gets back about me doing nothing, allowing all these kids to be hurt?

(I tried searching for older posts on this forum, to find reassurance but all I found was more true stories about people who’d been abused. I now feel responsible for their heartaches and pasts now).

My big brother, my mum they’ve tried to convince me, reassure me that I’m not bad that I need to let this go and file it away, that I’m not responsible but this is massive and I’m scared.

How can I go about my life doing fun things when I need to be punished? I deserve to feel bad for knowing.

I’m scared, sick to my stomach and I don’t know how to live/cope with this in my head and body.

I’m so, so sorry for bothering all of you. I’m so petrified. Please help me out, please reply I feel so a lone, so bad. I’m fed up being this person, I hate myself so much.

[Biccy]

Hi Iolana

I know your scared and this thought is plaguing you right now but you can get though it .

What evidence do you have that you solely responsible for this instead of the person who is doing the crime ?

If you knew a person that was like this I'm sure you would do the responsible thing and report them to the authorities.

See if you can list the all the evidence with this thought why you think its all down to you then why is not . it takes time to do this and practice but you can work the thought through and start to relax.

I would also suggest that you might want to seek more assistance with this from you GP etc as you said they did not tackle this part in cbt so it could be worth a revisit.

take care

Nicky

x

[paradoxer]

Iolona, it seems you don't hold your mother and brother responsible in the same way. Why? Because it's OCD. Try not to focus on the thoughts - but push them to the periphery of your consciousness. Re guilt. There's a great quote from Steven Phillipson's Pure O video - in which he says to someone - something like 'I can prove to you that you're a rotten schmucky person...' Because we ALL are - everyone. Try and cut yourself some slack. Take care.

Edited June 21, 2008 by Guest

[Guest Aarandorf]

Hey there Iolana!

I am so sorry to hear that you are not doing so well! I am currently in a dark and lonely place, I am feeling pretty depressed and unwanted!

The only help I can really offer, is if you want to chat just send me a PM, and I'll be happy to help!

Please contact me if you are feeling only the smallest bit down or could even just use a chat, I am here to help! Talking to people about your problems, especially people who understand it is paramount and so I'll reply as fast as possible if you want to chat!

All the best,

Aarandorf