Forum posts, Now feel responsible

[Iolana]

First off I want to apologise for posting again, more, I hate bothering all of you so much.

My last post was about fearing I was responsible because I heard from my mum who heard about someone from a friend who’d been abused as a child. I panicked thinking I was now responsible for this abuser (even though he’s dead and it happened forty odd years a go).

I then searched on this forum before my last post to see if anybody else had had the same experiences, only to enter a trigger mine field of my own making.

Even though I’ve been on this sight for many years (I use to post on another ocd charity forum) I’d never come across people’s personal stories at what might have triggered their ocd, traumatic events such as child abuse for example. I now feel like I’m stuck in a dark deep hole, like I’m responsible for all the nasty child molesters out there, as though I’m privy to some secret information and must single handily go out and fight the world…some how round up all these paedophiles and get them arrested.

It's just I don't know how to do that...

I fell badly into the dark hole at the weekend and because this isn’t an image in my head i.e. thinking I’ve killed my family or questioning have I abused a child (which is my biggest fear) I can’t uses those examples in all my ocd books because they’re about thoughts and made up images in my head, what I’ve read has happened…it’s real events.

For seven years now I’ve battled the fear that I am I child molester or I will become one. I’ve had two batches of CBT but this main issues ( I’ve had many other ones, like unable to leave the house or even in a room with a phone) has never really been tackled.

I finished CBT last year and my psychologist left my file open for a year so that I could phone or contact him, that year was up this March so I can’t contact him.

I have a wonderful family to talk to but this fear of responsibility, guilt, (which is making it hard to eat, really hard) stomach churning sickness won’t go away.

I know if I watched a chat show or read a newspaper article about the horrible pasts people have had I wouldn’t feel like I needed to go and physically do something but reading the posts from the forum feels so different.

For years I’ve fought the fear I will become my worst nightmare or am, I’ve never dealt with fearing I’m as bad a child molester because of doing nothing…

I’m really sorry if I’ve upset anyone writing this or I shouldn’t have posted, please don’t get angry with me or maybe one of the moderators could delete this… the last time I felt so low was back in uni when I had my break down and was then diagnosed with ocd.

I know I shouldn’t be bothering you again, I know I shouldn’t be posting this but I just don’t know what to do. I want to stop feeling so sick, so responsible, so guilty. :helpsmilie:

Also sorry If I didn't title this properly, I'm really messing everything up right now.

[Rachie]

Hi there. Please don't worry about posting - you're welcome to post whenver you can. I think you should call your therapist anyway because he might still see you. If not, he might be able to suggest someone else who can. You sound depressed at the moment and I think you really do need to get some help. Of course you can't be responsible for such a huge thing. It really would be beneficial for you to talk things through with a therapist. If you don't get anywhere with your old therapist, can you go to your doctors?

Rach x

[Guest Courage]

Hi there,

Don't be worried about posting on the forum. We are all here to help you. We will all fight this battle together. I also think that maybe you should get in touch with your psychologist or go to your GP. Plese let us know how you get on. Keep up the fight girl :boxing: