obsessing about family

[Guest Brainstrain]

I don't think I'm unusual - judging by other things I've read on this site - that often part of OCD includes an overwhelming urge to please everyone and keep everyone happy - usually at the extent of yourself!

Well I had my first child almost a year ago and I suddenly realised that once you've got a baby everyone wants to see you more - or that was certainly the case in my family(!) there were lots of comments about 'hope we get to see her grow up not only once a year etc etc' which meant I felt under a lot of pressure because I have to please everyone and have a very very large family so didn't have a clue when I would fit everyone in! I've not been well since the birth and I also had to go back to work when she was 5 1/2 months old - very much against my will but the bank says I have to if you know what I mean! Anyway I did my best to make sure that people got to see her when I could fit it in or relied on mum taking her visiting when I was at work. However I heard a little while ago that my dad's mum (Nan) had been saying that she hadn't seen her since she was 5 weeks old - which would've been last August! Well I know for a fact that I took her round over Christmas when she was nearly 6 months - I know that is a while ago but we've never been very close or seen each other very often - but also my mum and dad have taken her round a couple of times since then when they've been looking after her while I've been at work, so the longest she's gone without seeing her is a couple of months. I asked my dad to remind her of this cos I didn't want her thinking bad of me and also the rest of the family if she told them. My mum said it was all fine and sorted.

Then today in the 2 hours I had between shifts at work I decided to take her to a family gathering in the local club so that everyone would get to see her. First of all my nan and an aunty complained that she was asleep when we got there and then my nan started going on again about not having seen her since she was 5 weeks old! And my aunty was nodding in agreement with her. I tried to remind her of the times she has seen her but she just kept shaking her head. Now my whole family are gonna be thinking I'm really mean as the auntys have all seen her more often than that and they're gonna be thinking I'm just depriving my nan of seeing her but I thought it was OK as my mum and dad had taken her around to visit! I'm really upset about this and can't stop obsessing about it. I get so stressed because as it is I feel I don't even get to see her enough and she's my baby! I can't cope with getting all the chores done as well as trying to fit in work and actually making the most of any time I do get with my baby. On top of that my illness makes me hurt from head to foot and makes me wake up every day feeling like I've got a hangover. Add to that the OCD intrusive thoughts making me feel I'm failing at every aspect of being a mum I just feel like I'm drowning!

Why can't everyone just see that I'm trying really hard to keep them happy and at least remember when they have seen her? I feel really stretched to the limit at the moment and just don't know what to do. I'm trying to lose weight too and failing miserably at that too as keep bingeing.

Sorry for whingy post, you'll probably all think I'm really mean too!

Thanks for reading

Brainstrain x

Edited July 2, 2008 by Guest

[Guest Gemini]

Hi Brainstrain

Please don't try so hard to please everyone. You are stressing yourself out and it's not fair on you or your baby. By the sounds of things you are doing more than enough to let your family see the baby. I think now it's time to take time out for yourself. If people want to see the child, let them come to you at a time that suits you. It's hard enough being a new mum without the added pressure and it's not fair that everyone else expects you to please them. Maybe you could talk to your mum and explain things and let her put the rest of the family in the picture regarding when they can visit.

I know that it's easier said than done but try not to worry. You'll cope better when you take time to relax.

take care

Gemini xx

[Guest Harri]

i don't think your mean, i think your doing your very best.

it's called personalising ocd, where you take responsibility for everyone else and there happiness, i know this because i spend my whole life trying to make sure everyone else is happy, and all that really happens is that i end up miserable.

it must be hard enough with the new baby (i don't have any yet) and work with out the family pressure. Gemini is right, if the family are so eager to see the baby let them make the arrangements to come and see you when it's convinient for you.

this maybe the hardest thing you'll ever learn to do and trust me i still struggle with it, but learn the word NO!! it will make your life easier, and even though at first it will seem like your letting peopl down and you will feel that your being mean, after a while, if you stick to your decision, it will get easier and people will actually start respecting your wishes and you'll be able to relax and enjoy the times you do spend with your family.

but just remember, your not mean, your you, and you have rights too.

good luck

Harri x x x

[Guest mct1978]

"You can't please all of the people all of the time", hon. Do whats right for you. Your family should be there to help you at this time, not the other way round. I think you should definitely practise saying no, as someone else suggested. There's nothing wrong with saying 'Sorry, I just didn't have the time.'

Sounds like your nan doesn't even remember when she does see the baby, so what does it matter?

Anyway take care of yourself.

Matt

[Guest Brainstrain]

Thank you so much for all of your responses they talk a lot of sense! I know I should be brave and just learn to say no sometimes, I guess it's just a skill I'll have to develop! Well on a more positive note my cousin had a baby the other day so for a while they'll probably be more occupied with her and we'll be out of the limelight for a little while!

Thanks again!

Brainstrian :blushing: