Getting worse again

[Ashley]

Yeah - I was considering getting a camcorder and doing a video diary...

22001[/snapback]

Matt meant audio tape, something called a Loop Tape I think.

[Guest ocd13]

Matt meant audio tape, something called a Loop Tape I think.

22003[/snapback]

DUH!!!! I know!!!!!!!!!!

I was just saying that 'I' was thinking of doing a video diary!

:blushing:

[Guest Downrock]

Hey Smudger, my OCD is very similar to yours. I find myself wanting to live out my dreams but can only "exist" rather than "live" as Saffa said, all due to my OCD constantly bombarding me with these feelings and making me feel like i don't deserve to live out these dreams. Just wanted you to know that your replies to my previous post where I had an issue of believing i had sexual acts with my dog were really helpful . I am completely over that now (although onto something new of course). Just wanted to thank you for the help and wish you luck with the current problem.

Like you told me.. you have to look at the hard facts, even with alcohol involved, you would remember something that significant. I find that OCD constantly does things like this to me. Just wanted to offer more support to show you you're not alone in this way of thinking.

Good luck, hope you feel better soon.

[Guest Smudger]

Hi Downrock!

I'm glad that your worry didn't stick around for too long-sorry that it's turned into something new though! Get in touch if you want to talk about it mate!

I've been doing really well recently-last night was a little threatening as I had a friend come over, and although it was really good to see him, the change from my normal routine was a little odd and left me slightly anxious and in danger of going over old ground in my head again, but I managed not to do that, so I'm pretty cool at the moment.

[Guest splodge]

Hi there

I have just started an intensive course for my OCD obsessional thought and am finding it tough on the old brain but a great release. For homework I am reading Dr Windy Dryders, 10 steps to positive living...and do you know what, I have only been on the course for 3 days but last night I actually got through 3 hours of total reassurance that nothing had happened..even laughed about it!! Of course when something likes this happens you inevitably get the bloody OCD going...right...I will take a different route!! But I felt hopeful. Anyway, my therapist is using this book as a guide for me and she talked about how it is not the actual activating EVENT that took place that is the problem but rather YOUR belief and what you think about the situation. Naturally...the I MUST not have done this terrible thing comes into play for all the reasons you have stated before..ie: I feel like a monster etc...

And the consequence is an emotional one, where the anxiety and guilt then come in. As everyone has said..this seems to be a classic OCD syndrome...I don't think I am explaining myself very well but it seems to be in the book Iam reading so wondered if it might be helpful. I hope you feel better soon...I am a tad new to this so please ignore me if Isound ****....Lots of Luck...

[Guest Smudger]

Hi  there

I have just started an intensive course for my OCD obsessional thought and am finding it tough on the old brain but a great release. For homework I am reading Dr Windy Dryders, 10 steps to positive living...and do you know what, I have only been on the course for 3 days but last night I actually got through 3 hours of total reassurance that nothing had happened..even laughed about it!! Of course when something likes this happens you inevitably get the bloody OCD going...right...I will take a different route!! But I felt hopeful. Anyway, my therapist is using this book as a guide for me and she talked about how it is not the actual activating EVENT that took place that is the problem but rather  YOUR belief and what you think about the situation. Naturally...the I MUST not have done this terrible thing comes into play for all the reasons you have stated before..ie: I feel like a monster etc...

And the consequence is an emotional one, where the anxiety and guilt then come in. As everyone has said..this seems to be a classic OCD syndrome...I don't think I am explaining myself very well but it seems to be in the book Iam reading so wondered if it might be helpful. I hope you feel better soon...I am a tad new to this so please ignore me if Isound ****....Lots of Luck...

22558[/snapback]

Hey Splodge! (great name by the way !)

Welcome to the board, and thanks for the kind words!

You explained yourself perfectly, and it makes a lot of sense-didn't sound **** at all!

Nice to meet you

[Guest Smudger]

Hey all

I've kind of developed a new worry

Over the past week I've been doing really well-without wanting to tempt fate I've pretty much accepted that I've done nothing wrong, and that it's just the ocd making me feel the way I do/have been.

What scares me now is people who know me finding out about my ocd and all that it's put me through. I'm afraid that even though I know I've done nothing wrong, if people found out that I'm 'smudger' they wouldn't understand, and would try to ruin my life by making me out to be the person that I was worried I had become. Part of me wants to go to every ocd forum I've ever used and ask the staff to delete everything I've written about my ocd (including stuff of mine people have quoted in their replies), but then I feel selfish because I know how much it's helped others (that's not me being big-headed, I just know from personal experience how hard it can be to find people with child-abuse ocd who worry that they have done something, as opposed to worrying that they will), and I'd worry that if I did so it would make people who suffer the same way feel bad-like there is something to be ashamed of or worried about.

Does anyone else get like this?

[Guest splodge]

Hey all

I've kind of developed a new worry

Over the past week I've been doing really well-without wanting to tempt fate I've pretty much accepted that I've done nothing wrong, and that it's just the ocd making me feel the way I do/have been.

What scares me now is people who know me finding out about my ocd and all that it's put me through. I'm afraid that even though I know I've done nothing wrong, if people found out that I'm 'smudger' they wouldn't understand, and would try to ruin my life by making me out to be the person that I was worried I had become. Part of me wants to go to every ocd forum I've ever used and ask the staff to delete everything I've written about my ocd (including stuff of mine people have quoted in their replies), but then I feel selfish because I know how much it's helped others (that's not me being big-headed, I just know from personal experience how hard it can be to find people with child-abuse ocd who worry that they have done something, as opposed to worrying that they will), and I'd worry that if I did so it would make people who suffer the same way feel bad-like there is something to be ashamed of or worried about.

Does anyone else get like this?

22630[/snapback]

[Guest splodge]

******, think I just got my replies all wrong so excuse posting your message again!! Anyway...I do get like this, worrying about other people and what they might think or indeed that if I feel bad about something it may effect them etc....My OCD is Responsibility OCD which

is why I feel like this all the time..including the terror of 'Did I do something and not remember' syndrome ...which is bloody awful sometimes I know...I am in no means trying to say that you have this but it might be a helpful one to look at...I think its on the OCDcentres website...Incidentally, your honest words have been incredibly helpful let me tell you...How exciting that you feel better...you probably have another worry because that is the wayOCD works isn't it?? When one goes another comes? But I bet that you can crush that too...No problem.

Hope all is well......merry xmas.

[Guest Smudger]

Well, in true 'me' fashion I've managed to completely screw everything up.

I went to the pub for the first time in ages with a friend of mine on Friday and got a bit drunk, and now I'm terrified that I upset people and can't remember it. I can't be sure, but because I don't have perfect recall of everything that happened I keep thinking I must have been out of order to some people. I remember being in a good mood for the whole time, but I can't help but feel that I must have said some nasty things to some of the people there. My friend who I was with said that it's not the case, and that it was all very 'civilised', but the nagging doubt is there. I've managed to go from feeling brilliant to feeling absolutley awful, because now I've started to believe that when I get drunk I do become the kind of person who acts badly and then can't remember doing so, which only fuels my 'main' worry.

On the rare occassions over the past few years when I have got drunk, this kind of worry always hits me the next day and as far as I know it's never been true, but this time it just feels like it is. I've managed to undo everything that was going so well for me.

[Guest dyslexic fish?]

Hey Smudger, I think I can understand a bit where you're coming from. Yesterday morning I woke up and my first thought was "Wow, I'm so glad I don't drink so much any more" and 2 seconds later realised, uh-oh I was out drinking last night and I can't remember what I said to anyone!! :huh:

I immediately began to worry that I'd upset someone because I hadn't been out in so long and I knew there were people there who I hadn't seen in ages and I panicked about what I might have said to them. After a while though I realised this was stupid and that even if I had said anything daft, they wouldn't remember themselves anyway!

I know this probably isn't going to be of much use to you, but try not to worry too much- the fact that you're worried in the first place just shows how caring and sensitive you are and I'm quite sure that you've done nothing to be worried about anyway!

You seem to be doing so well at the minute and although you're obviously having some self-doubt I think it's only natural- plus, everything seems worse when you're hung over- I know that only too well!!

Keep up the good work you've been doing so far- I only wish I could be as strong sometimes!!

Take care xx

[Guest Smudger]

Thanks DF!

What you just wrote is pretty much exactly how I feel! I've just had to text my mate who I was with, so if he goes there today maybe he could find out if I upset anyone. I was only there for about 4 hours, and it wasn't very busy (there were about 10 people there, only 5 of whom I knew), and although I don't remember being horrible to anyone, it feels like I did (if that makes any sense).

I hate this-if it turns out that I did upset some people then it's just going to send my other worry through the roof. All I wanted was to go out and have a few drinks like a normal person, and I can't even do that.

[Guest dyslexic fish?]

Hi again Smudge!

You know what- I think you'd be best not finding out if you upset anyone. I know that's difficult cos you'll worry about it anyway,but sometimes it's good to take the attitude of-well so what if Someone got upset, I was drunk, didn't mean it etc. and you know really that there's nothing for you to worry about in the first place! easier said than done, I know, but give yourself a break- it's great that you managed to get out to the pub- sometimes I can't even leave the house!!!

Anyhoo, take care and don't worry yourself about things that other people won't even give a second thought to! xxxx

[Guest Smudger]

I just feel like such an idiot.

I didn't set out to get drunk, or to upset anyone, but I knew in the back of my mind that I'd end up feeling like this-I always do-so why did I do it?

What makes it worse is knowing how great I've been feeling this past week. I'm always at my worst at this time of the year, so the way I've been feeling recently (which is the best I've felt in a long time) has been excellent, and now I've ruined it. I actually felt like I had a shot at my first happy xmas in years, and now I've blown it.

So there's a chance that I may not have done anything, but what if I did? That doesn't do me a lot of good with respect to my 'main' ocd worry, which is doing things that I forget I've done when drunk. Kind of proves the worst really.

So yeah, I'm an idiot.

[Guest Burt]

Smudger

you are NOT an idiot. You are a caring sensitive person with an illness. This illness gives you an over-estimated sense of responsibility. Even the thought of slightly offending somebody whilst drunk causes you such anxiety that you try to combat it using the classic OCD responses. I think what you are describing by wanting to remove your posts from forums and phoning/texting mates to ask reassurance over whether you upset anybody are classic 'undoing rituals' which OCD people try to do in a desperate attempt to try and reverse something they think they've done in the past.

So remember its the classic OCD patterns at work. I've been there with both of these (worried about posts on forums, worried I've offended somebody and can't remember)... but these things are out of our control and its best to just let them go. It will cause more anxiety in the short term but you know it will ease as you realise over the weeks, months and years that these irrational fears don't mean anything.

You were doing so well lately so its not a surprise to me that OCD has tried another angle to get hold of you... it does this with me all the time. You'll get thru this bad period and the better times will come again.

I see no reason for you to stop drinking - but personally I haven't drunk alcohol for 14 yrs as it used to make my panic/anxiety much worse the next day. I know there is a bit of avoidance in that decision but really - I don't miss it at all.

Burt

[whitebeam]

Does anyone else get like this?

22630[/snapback]

When I was first bad with my OCD I used to worry that if i told people I was worried about contaminating others, they would think I was dirty....DUH!!! but I still kept on bleating about contamination and germs!!!!

[Guest Smudger]

Smudger

you are NOT an idiot. You are a caring sensitive person with an illness. This illness gives you an over-estimated sense of responsibility. Even the thought of slightly offending somebody whilst drunk causes you such anxiety that you try to combat it using the classic OCD responses. I think what you are describing by wanting to remove your posts from forums and phoning/texting mates to ask reassurance over whether you upset anybody are classic 'undoing rituals' which OCD people try to do in a desperate attempt to try and reverse something they think they've done in the past.

So remember its the classic OCD patterns at work. I've been there with both of these (worried about posts on forums, worried I've offended somebody and can't remember)... but these things are out of our control and its best to just let them go. It will cause more anxiety in the short term but you know it will ease as you realise over the weeks, months and years that these irrational fears don't mean anything.

You were doing so well lately so its not a surprise to me that OCD has tried another angle to get hold of you... it does this with me all the time. You'll get thru this bad period and the better times will come again.

I see no reason for you to stop drinking - but personally I haven't drunk alcohol for 14 yrs as it used to make my panic/anxiety much worse the next day. I know there is a bit of avoidance in that decision but really - I don't miss it at all.

Burt

22924[/snapback]

Thanks Burt

I've only been drunk a handful of times in the past 3 or so years because like you it makes my panic/anxiety much worse the next day. I know it does, so I'm really angry with myself for doing something I knew would ruin the way I've been feeling.

My friend got in touch with me, and said that I did nothing wrong that day, but I'm still left with lingering doubt about my behaviour. I have no concrete memories of having done anything wrong, but it still feels like I have-it's hard to explain.

I know that at a basic level, even if I had been insulting to people it's nothing that terrible-I believe that everyone who drinks has acted out of character and said things that they don't mean at least once, but for me it makes my anxiety worse because I would have done so and not remembered it, which says to me that my 'other' fear is valid.

Anyway, whatever happened I've screwed it all up. Instead of waking up happy this morning and looking forwards to getting on with my day, I'm now sat here in the same old terror as usual. Maybe I'm supposed to-maybe Friday was just a reminder that I am the person I fear.

[whitebeam]

Instead of waking up happy this morning and looking forwards to getting on with my day, I'm now sat here in the same old terror as usual. Maybe I'm supposed to-maybe Friday was just a reminder that I am the person I fear.

23010[/snapback]

Hi Smudger,

So sorry to hear that you're still feeling bad - there's no way you deserve to feel like this; that's the OCD talking.

As to having said/done the wrong thing after a few drinks - I wish I couldn't say it - but I've been there too - too many times and with some I have no recollection of whatsoever!!

Try to put Friday out of your mind - look forward and feel like the person you want to be and, indeed, are :huh: .

Take care

whitebeam

[Guest Smudger]

Thanks Whitebeam

I think the only way to deal with this is to go up the pub at 12 when it opens, and just ask the barlady if I owe her or her customers an apology. It will be embarassing and scary, but at least I'll know one way or the other.

[Guest Hypnosinc]

Hi Smudger,

I think the only way to deal with this is to go up the pub at 12 when it opens, and just ask the barlady if I owe her or her customers an apology.

Of course you can do that, but I honestly don't believe that it will help you, or bring you any re-assurance. Would you feel any better if someone says "Yes, you were a complete prat, and offended everybody". On the other hand, if they tell you, as I'm sure they already have, that nothing happened, would you actually believe them. Given your current thinking, I doubt it. If anything had happened, you would be left in no doubt. People are not slow to come forward, and point out your deficiencies.

I'm afraid that, frankly, revisiting the scene of an imagined "crime" is only an exercise in pandering to the OCD. Until you learn to stop encouraging the OCD by "catastrophising" events, you will remain a prime patsy for it. OCD is like a fire. Deny it oxygen and it will die out. Fuel it up, as you are talking about doing, and it will keep you hot for a long time. Believe only what is proveable. (That bit of advice may not work for quantum physics, but it certainly works for OCD.)

Now I've just noticed you wrote the last bit over 24 hours ago, so I'm hoping you didn't follow through.

[Guest Smudger]

Hi Smudger,

I think the only way to deal with this is to go up the pub at 12 when it opens, and just ask the barlady if I owe her or her customers an apology.

Of course you can do that, but I honestly don't believe that it will help you, or bring you any re-assurance. Would you feel any better if someone says "Yes, you were a complete prat, and offended everybody". On the other hand, if they tell you, as I'm sure they already have, that nothing happened, would you actually believe them. Given your current thinking, I doubt it. If anything had happened, you would be left in no doubt. People are not slow to come forward, and point out your deficiencies.

I'm afraid that, frankly, revisiting the scene of an imagined "crime" is only an exercise in pandering to the OCD. Until you learn to stop encouraging the OCD by "catastrophising" events, you will remain a prime patsy for it. OCD is like a fire. Deny it oxygen and it will die out. Fuel it up, as you are talking about doing, and it will keep you hot for a long time. Believe only what is proveable. (That bit of advice may not work for quantum physics, but it certainly works for OCD.)

Now I've just noticed you wrote the last bit over 24 hours ago, so I'm hoping you didn't follow through.

23251[/snapback]

I went up, and found out that I had nothing to worry about! It is a great relief, but maybe I shouldn't have pandered to the ocd's needs. I'm just hoping that I haven't done too much damage, as my other obsessive thoughts are starting to try and force their way back in.

[Guest Smudger]

Hi all

Well, I've been doing well again-only a few 'wobbles', but my paranoia about people I know finding out that I am Smudger has gone through the roof. Even though I'm 99% certain I've done nothing wrong, I'm terrified that somehow someone I know will discover who the person behind the posts is, and make my life miserable. I know it's not likely, but I get scared that somehow I'll let slip something that gives me away, or that somehow my picture will make it onto here for all to see. It wouldn't matter that I've done nothing wrong-what I've written would be plenty enough ammunition for someone to use against me.

This is where I find myself wanting to delete all my posts, but I don't want to remove them in case someone who suffers from ocd in the same way that I do happens along here and realises that they are not alone.

So, in summation: ******.

[Guest ocd13]

Hi all

Well, I've been doing well again-only a few 'wobbles', but my paranoia about people I know finding out that I am Smudger has gone through the roof. Even though I'm 99% certain I've done nothing wrong, I'm terrified that somehow someone I know will discover who the person behind the posts is, and make my life miserable. I know it's not likely, but I get scared that somehow I'll let slip something that gives me away, or that somehow my picture will make it onto here for all to see. It wouldn't matter that I've done nothing wrong-what I've written would be plenty enough ammunition for someone to use against me.

This is where I find myself wanting to delete all my posts, but I don't want to remove them in case someone who suffers from ocd in the same way that I do happens along here and realises that they are not alone.

So, in summation: ******.

23800[/snapback]

Hi smudger,

Has this started since you sent me pics of yourself? I know I'm not supposed to reassure, but there is no way on this earth I would ever publish your pictures without your consent, so I really hope it's not that!! :lol:

[Guest Smudger]

Hi smudger,

Has this started since you sent me pics of yourself?  I know I'm not supposed to reassure, but there is no way on this earth I would ever publish your pictures without your consent, so I really hope it's not that!! 

23847[/snapback]

No! I trust you completely Andrea-I wouldn't have shown you my mug otherwise! I suppose it's just the ocd-at the moment I seem to be doing ok with believing that I'm innocent, so it's trying to get at me in other ways. You said you wouldn't show/share the pictures to anyone, and your word is good enough for me!

Stop worrying please!

:lol:

[Guest ocd13]

No! I trust you completely Andrea-I wouldn't have shown you my mug otherwise! I suppose it's just the ocd-at the moment I seem to be doing ok with believing that I'm innocent, so it's trying to get at me in other ways. You said you wouldn't show/share the pictures to anyone, and your word is good enough for me!

Stop worrying please!

:lol:

23851[/snapback]

Phew!