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Getting worse again


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Guest Dragonfruit
This never stops, does it?

Round and round and round-did I/didn't I, did I/didn't I-never being able to enjoy anything, always living under this cloud of fear that tells me I'm evil and different to everyone else.

What's the point?

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Hi again

I'm so sorry you're feeling so bad. It can be a total :thumbup: when it wants to, can't it?

When I was at my worst I felt just the way you do - that I couldn't cope with living like that - I was mentally and physically exhausted from the strain and didn't know which way was up.

BUT it got better.

It takes a lot of hard work and a lot of determination and it is by no means easy.

And I certainly can't say I'm totally out of the woods yet - but the difference is incredible and the rewards are huge. I feel as though I'm getting my life back. And this can happen for you too. I can happen for all of us.

You are in no way evil or any different from the rest of us here. YOU know that and don't believe you've done anything wrong - that's just the OCD telling you lies.

I know that until I had been taking fluoxetine for a couple of months I never thought I'd be able to allow the thoughts to come without cracking up. But I can - not all of them - but there are definitely some that I can allow in and concentrate on really hard until they just go away.

I really hope that you can see your specialist asap and talk things through with him.

As for ...

I've been seeing a shrink for a year now, and have my next appointment scheduled for early February-I can't be bothered to contact him because he can't tell me what I need to hear: that I'm innocent and have nothing to worry about.

... it wouldn't matter how many times he (or we all) told you that you ARE innocent and have nothing to worry about - which is the case - you have to FEEL that you are innocent. And you will.

Hang on in there.

It does get better :hug:

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Guest Smudger

Thanks Matt and Fruity :hug:

I'm grateful for everything you (and everyone else) wrote-it's helped me gain back some perspective on this.

Most of the time I just can't find enough good in myself to believe that the bad stuff may just be ocd-it all feels like it could be true, and I feel so different to everyone else-I know that nobody is perfect, but I just feel like I'm one of the people that you read about in the papers-the quiet one who no-one suspected, who flipped out and did awful things.

Anyway, sorry for going on. I really do appreciate all your help-you guys are all ace :D:thumbup:

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Guest Smudger

Just when you think it can't get any worse :thumbup: ...

My ocd decided to take me on a trip down memory lane today. I don't know what I'm hoping to achieve by putting this here-I suppose it's a combination of wanting reassurance and wanting you all to know what kind of a person I am, so that you aren't being nice to me when you really shouldn't.

Ok, so I'm at a party 13 years ago (I was 15). This girl I've never met shows an interest in me, we start kissing and go outside (we'd both been drinking, although I don't recall being particularly out of it-probably because the party had a proper bar, and at that age I didn't have a lot of money).

So we start to get 'down to it' (so to speak), and it's not my finest moment because at that age I know the female anatomy about as well as I know the finer points of nuclear physics. Anyway, things are 'happening', and then I notice just how drunk this girl is-she seemed fine at first, but I suppose the drink just caught up with her because she started to look decidely unwell, so we stop what we're doing.

And that's it. I don't ever recall her at any point saying 'no', or asking me to stop, but I remember that I did because it was the right thing to do.

Now here's where it all falls down.

My ocd keeps saying "You sure mate?-it was ages ago-how do you know you didn't just take advantage of the situation?"-and I can't seem to ignore it. This memory has come back to me many times over the years for various reasons, but never have I doubted my behaviour before. Now however, I worry that because I can't recall the events of a night 13 years ago with absolute clarity, that I must have done wrong. This obviously adds fuel to my current ocd fire, because as the saying goes "The best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour".

I swear I'm recalling this as I remember it, but the ocd is trying to make me doubt this-like I said, I don't know what I'm hoping to achieve by putting this here.

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Guest Dragonfruit
Ok, so I'm at a party 13 years ago (I was 15). This girl I've never met shows an interest in me, we start kissing and go outside (we'd both been drinking, although I don't recall being particularly out of it-probably because the party had a proper bar, and at that age I didn't have a lot of money).

So we start to get 'down to it' (so to speak), and it's not my finest moment because at that age I know the female anatomy about as well as I know the finer points of nuclear physics. Anyway, things are 'happening', and then I notice just how drunk this girl is-she seemed fine at first, but I suppose the drink just caught up with her because she started to look decidely unwell, so we stop what we're doing.

Frankly you should be giving yourself a medal, Smudger. You did the right thing and it's something that I bet a lot of 15-year-olds would have found impossible.

You KNOW you stopped and you KNOW you did the right thing - OCD lies. It's a fact. You know that it does and you know that you've done nothing wrong. I know that believing you havn't is hard - but listening to what you've been saying you sound like such a lovely guy and it's awful that the OCD is laying into you in this way. Unfortunately that's what it does - it finds whatever will hurt you most and tries to rip you apart. Don't let it. You are a good person and you should be so proud of what you did all those years ago - not paranoid about what OCD tells you you might have done.

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Guest Rustynut
Just when you think it can't get any worse :( ...

My ocd decided to take me on a trip down memory lane today. I don't know what I'm hoping to achieve by putting this here-I suppose it's a combination of wanting reassurance and wanting you all to know what kind of a person I am, so that you aren't being nice to me when you really shouldn't.

Ok, so I'm at a party 13 years ago (I was 15). This girl I've never met shows an interest in me, we start kissing and go outside (we'd both been drinking, although I don't recall being particularly out of it-probably because the party had a proper bar, and at that age I didn't have a lot of money).

So we start to get 'down to it' (so to speak), and it's not my finest moment because at that age I know the female anatomy about as well as I know the finer points of nuclear physics. Anyway, things are 'happening', and then I notice just how drunk this girl is-she seemed fine at first, but I suppose the drink just caught up with her because she started to look decidely unwell, so we stop what we're doing.

And that's it. I don't ever recall her at any point saying 'no', or asking me to stop, but I remember that I did because it was the right thing to do.

Now here's where it all falls down.

My ocd keeps saying "You sure mate?-it was ages ago-how do you know you didn't just take advantage of the situation?"-and I can't seem to ignore it. This memory has come back to me many times over the years for various reasons, but never have I doubted my behaviour before. Now however, I worry that because I can't recall the events of a night 13 years ago with absolute clarity, that I must have done wrong. This obviously adds fuel to my current ocd fire, because as the saying goes "The best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour".

I swear I'm recalling this as I remember it, but the ocd is trying to make me doubt this-like I said, I don't know what I'm hoping to achieve by putting this here.

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Guest Smudger

Thanks guys :(

I suppose on some level I know you're all right, but once again I'm in that position of not being 100% certain, so I just feel awful. What's also weird is that because you're all being so nice to me, that I must have 'fooled you' into believing I'm someone I'm not, and that I'll soon remember the truth-then I get scared that I am innocent, but I'll end up ruminating on this and create a false memory that I end up believing is the truth.

I just can't stop coming up with ways to make myself feel bad/guilty, and I really don't know if this is the ocd or just genuine deserved guilt catching up to me.

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Guest Smudger

It's all falling apart again.

No matter how hard I try, I can't stop myself going back over everything in my head. My guilt is back full-force, and I can't bring myself to believe that it's just ocd. I can't help but feel that the reason I feel so guilty is because I am guilty.

Even though I don't remember doing anything, the strength of this guilt I'm feeling seems to me to be a clear indicator that I did-after all, I've done plenty of harmless/embarrassing/stupid things whilst drunk that I don't remember, why not something truly awful?

Also, as I've said before, part of my confusion comes from having some recollection of the events of that night, but not total recollection. Things that I thought were unrelated (but had actually happened at other points in my life) seemed to be a part of the scenario-designed to make a false ocd memory feel more real because I knew these events had actually happened, but because I had no time-frame to reference for them they could be easily absorbed to make the ocd memory more realistic/confusing. Now I just feel like it all happened, and that was my way of trying to dig my way out of the hole I'd dug.

I'm at that point where I'm waiting for it all to come crashing down. Life has no point-I'm not even living, I'm just drifting along because I can't function with the thought that I'm an evil pervert running through my head 24/7. I swear that if it weren't for a couple of people in my life, I wouldn't even be here anymore. I'd rather just be gone than have to face this day-in, day-out.

You've all been really nice to me, but none of you know me. I don't even know what happened that night, so I can't expect you all to keep telling me that it's all ok. Nothing's alright anymore. The feeling of terror I get when I think about that night must mean something, and it can't be good.

Sorry.

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Guest Smudger

Thanks ittyk :thumbup:

It's just so horrible-I'd been doing really well, and then it all comes back the way it used to-even trying to fight it just makes me feel worse because it feels like I'm trying to cover up my guilt. It's got to the point where I'm wishing that the Police would show up to take me away, so that I'd know for sure I didn't deserve to be here anymore and could end it all-anything to be free from this (just so we're clear, I have no plans to kill myself-I'm just talking about how I'm feeling).

Thanks again.

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Guest Dragonfruit
You've all been really nice to me, but none of you know me. I don't even know what happened that night, so I can't expect you all to keep telling me that it's all ok. Nothing's alright anymore. The feeling of terror I get when I think about that night must mean something, and it can't be good.

Sorry.

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We do know you. Most of us here ARE you.

We all have the same thoughts and the same paranoias and the same "need" to perform repetitive behaviours.

Which is why we can tell you that you're a good person and that you've done nothing wrong.

You DO know what happened that night. You KNOW you did nothing wrong.

The OCD is the problem not your memory, not your actions - the OCD.

The feeling of terror and blind panic is a normal reaction - but you have to try to find a way to control it - rather than allowing it to control you.

It's false terror - it means nothing.

(I know it feels like the exact opposite - but it isn't. It means nothing).

Hang on in there - ask for help from whoever you need it from - your psych, us, friends and family. Whoever you need.

You WILL overcome this blip. Hold on :)

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Man Smudger, Reading your posts is like reading mine if you know what i mean.

I had a fairly bad day at work the day, for some reason feelings of complete apathy came over me,felt depressed and the old"did i stick the fingers up(of course i didnt) at the camera" played on my mind.

Thanks for your support smudger, pm me anytime you want to chat.

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Guest Brainstrain

:)

My latest one, which may not seem like much, is that I knew I did it, and just said to myself "as long as you don't do it again, it'll be ok". It just feels so real, but not, if that makes sense. I can believe it, and it feels real enough to not be ignored, but at the same time I'm not sure if it's real.

Hi Smudger

Everyone else has probably said this already but just wanted to add my support to you on this one and to say that my brain does exactly this too! Ill get so tired of arguing with the thoughts that sometimes my brain -ocd - will say that - if you don't do it again it will be ok which as you found too freaks me out even more because it is like admitting to it. Please try not to worry about it - I know do I know what I'm talking about at all? but you can't let it take over your life but if you're getting these thoughts and can't make them go away, come on here and read through what other people are thinking or have thought probably the same as you, and then you will see that is ocd, it would be too much of a coincidence to have this many guilty people all in denial fo their misdemeanors which means it must be the ocd

brainstrain

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Hi mate. I have problems with things like this, too. Not so much a specific situation, but whether or not I have the potential to be a bad person.

I'll be watching a programme on tele, and see animal cruelty, and then just think something stupid like 'Am I like that?'. Seeing stuff like that that upsets me, triggers my thoughts to become obsessive, as soon as I do, I worry I might think something bad, like I'm capable of doing it, and so, I shift to that image, then need to convince myself that I am not.

The reason (I think) you, me, and everyone else has these problems is, because we find them distressing. Let's face it, if you're watching a happy film, how often do you start ruminating, and trying to justify what you see. But when you start to worry, or feel anxious about what you see, you need to make sure everything is ok. If you worry about an image, it will come back more often, or you'll ruminate on it more (sticky images I believe someone called this).

Just my thoughts.

Good Luck Duuuuude :)

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Guest Smudger

Thanks everyone, you're all awesome :)

It's strange how one moment I can know I didn't do anything wrong, and then in the blink of an eye become a jibbering wreck.

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Guest MajesticShannon
It's strange how one moment I can know I didn't do anything wrong, and then in the blink of an eye become a jibbering wreck

.............i think you've just summed it all up right there smudger. I hate this!!!! :)

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Thanks everyone, you're all awesome :)

It's strange how one moment I can know I didn't do anything wrong, and then in the blink of an eye become a jibbering wreck.

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About the girl at the party. I think the fact you worry about it, at least proves you care. Why would someone that doesn't care, worry about it.

Sorry if I b******* this up, my mind is elsewhere (mum has a cold/flu, worried bout her), and didn't get a chance to read all this.

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Guest Brainstrain
Thanks everyone, you're all awesome :)

It's strange how one moment I can know I didn't do anything wrong, and then in the blink of an eye become a jibbering wreck.

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Hi Smudger know exactly how you feel. Was just eating me dinner all calm when mr brainstrain started talking about a family party that we have to go to on Friday night with his brother. Well after drinking with his brother on new years eve my brain was trying to convince me that something happened with him even though I know nothing did and now just the mention of being at another party with him has sent me into a fenzy - stomach cramps, feeling of shame etc couldn't even eat my dinner now I'm in tears and have come on here to try to make myself feel better knowing that you are all out there feeling the same! Thank you for being there!

Brainstrain :thumbup:

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Guest Smudger

Hi Brainstrain! :thumbup:

Sorry you're feeling lousy, and you know you have nothing to worry about because you did nothing wrong! The hard part is not listening to all the stupid doubts and lies that the ocd will throw at you to convince you otherwise!

Does your husband know about your ocd? Is it the kind of thing you could talk to him about?

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Guest Brainstrain
Hi Brainstrain! :thumbup:

Sorry you're feeling lousy, and you know you have nothing to worry about because you did nothing wrong! The hard part is not listening to all the stupid doubts and lies that the ocd will throw at you to convince you otherwise!

Does your husband know about your ocd? Is it the kind of thing you could talk to him about?

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Hi Smudger

Thanks! Yeah luckily my man is really good about it. He found me crying and said I don't have to go to the party if I don't want to but then the ocd is just winning isn't it!! But I have decided I will drive and not drink then the ocd can't try to pin anything on me! It really is like like trying to outwitt the enemy isn't it! I hope you are feeling better now about things, you seem like a nice bloke who woulnd't harm a fly!

thank you brainstrain :)

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Guest Smudger

Thanks Brainstrain :thumbup:

It's good to have an understanding partner, isn't it! :)

You'll probably feel a little uncomfortable at the party at first, but it's good that you're going because it will show the ocd that you aren't afraid of its lies.

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Guest Brainstrain
Thanks Brainstrain :thumbup:

It's good to have an understanding partner, isn't it! :)

You'll probably feel a little uncomfortable at the party at first, but it's good that you're going because it will show the ocd that you aren't afraid of its lies.

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Cheers Smudger you're right Cinderella will go to the ball!!!! or something like that! I can't let it win and neither can you! Good luck

brainstrain :)

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Guest Smudger

Can I ask how this works for the rest of you?

I'd been feeling ok for a bit, and was watching Scrubs, when one of the characters said "You either trust your instincts, or your brain is trying to protect you from something". That of course made me feel bad, but I managed to not start going over old ground in my head.

This happens a lot-I'll be ok, then the thoughts will just reappear-sometimes something will trigger me off (see above), othertimes they just seem to come back unprovoked. It's like a huge feeling of shock in my stomach if that makes sense, accompanied by guilt and fear. This also happens when I try to look forwards to something.

There's no break from it-how does it affect the rest of you?

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Speaking of "Triggers" Smudger, i had no thoughts of"that" kind at all until one of my mates mentioned that i was dancing with kids at the do, then from there my thoughts went downhill :(:(

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Guest Smudger
Speaking of "Triggers" Smudger, i had no thoughts of"that" kind at all until one of my mates mentioned that i was dancing with kids at the do, then from there my thoughts went downhill :(:(

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Just OCD pushing your buttons mate. This is where it's clever-it takes something that is completely horrifying to you, and makes you think you you've done something awful...however, do you notice how it doesn't actually show you that you definately, 100% did do it? It's because it can't-it can't show you something that never happened, so it has to trap you in endless guessing games, and your being drunk that night gives it even more ammunition to attack you with.

Don't listen to it-remember the other side of this, which is that you aren't a pervert, you don't like kids in that way, and you were in a room full of witnesses-and the reason that you're here and not lying in a hospital bed is because all you did was dance with some little kids (and probably made them have a good giggle in the process!).

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