Getting worse again

[Guest Smudger]

Hi everyone.

Sorry to bump a topic that is 4 years old, but it's all happening again.

I don't know why, but last night this old fear reappeared in my head, and I can't shake it. I thought I'd accepted years ago that it was OCD trying to mess with me, but now I'm back to all the fear, worry and confusion that it used to give me. I was so certain it was OCD-it all seemed so ridiculous after a while, but now I have the lingering doubts that it really did happen, and that I'm a monster who's managed to fool everyone.

I really can't take this.

[Hal]

Hi Smudger,

I know it may not feel like it at the moment but the fact the thought has only just begun to bother you again, is one huge achievement.

The key now is accepting that it's still an intrusive OCD thought and to not dwell on it - the sooner you can begin responding correctly the more chance that it will fade away again.

If you feed it with your attention it will grow stronger :dry:

You can do this - it's just one of those blips that momentarily throw us, but you know the nature of the condition and can stop it in its tracks :original: ....Hal

[Guest Smudger]

Thanks Hal.

It's just so unexpected-I'm trying to deal with it, but it all feels so real again. I can't prove to myself that I didn't do something so awful, and I can't ever see it going away. Maybe it won't because I'm supposed to feel this way because I'm guilty. Maybe I just don't have a right to complain.

[Guest Duckfoot]

Maybe it won't because I'm supposed to feel this way because I'm guilty. Maybe I just don't have a right to complain.

Or maybe you feel like this because ocd is trying to get it's foot back in the door?

You have done so well to have been living without ocd for such a long time, this is just a blip, a bump in the road. It seems massive now, but when you look back you'll see that it wasn't so bad afterall. Like you said, you got past it before to the point where you were able to see how rediculous ocd and the thoughts were, you can get there again you just need to keep utilising everything you learned

[Hal]

it all feels so real again. I can't prove to myself that I didn't do something so awful, and I can't ever see it going away. Maybe it won't because I'm supposed to feel this way because I'm guilty. Maybe I just don't have a right to complain.

I think that's why OCD is so cruel - the thoughts seem real but they're not, they have no meaning, just flotsam and jetsum thrown at us by normal brain activity.

I know it's blinking hard, but try not to fall into the trap of trying to find proof against the thought - by doing that you're validating that it could have meaning and is worth listening to.

The feeling isn't proof of guilt it's only proof that we have OCD - always keep that in mind and it's easier to shrug it off quickly and not get stuck in the loop.....Hal :original:

[Guest Smudger]

Thanks guys.

I'm trying to fight it, but it just feels like the desperate act of a man who knows he's guilty trying to explain things away so he doesn't have to deal with it.

[Guest Smudger]

Aaaaaggghhhh!!!

I hate this! It's like one minute I know I did nothing wrong, and then as soon as I feel that I get random images and thoughts in my head that make me terrified that I'm wrong. Damn it.

[Guest legend]

hi smudger, thats typical ocd, 2 steps forwards, 3 back, but if you keep refusing to engage, and refocus on something

else, it will help in the long run....

legend

[Guest Smudger]

It won't stop going through my head.

On the one hand, I'm not feeling panicked-I am indulging the thoughts, but they're disjointed and don't seem to make any sense in context, and in some cases it feels like 'invented' thoughts, but the damn 'what if's' won't let up. The not knowing for sure is killing me-on the one hand it seems so ridiculous, but I'm afraid to trust in that in case it somehow brings forth memories that I'dd repressed and proves I'm guilty.

[Guest Smudger]

This is too much.

It left me alone for a few days, and now it's back. Why did it leave me alone for years prior to this, only to come back now? Am I starting to remember? Is my guilt about to be proved to me? I just don't understand. I'm trying not to give in, but the fear is just getting worse.