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Guest Smudger

Getting worse again

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Guest Smudger

Just when you think things are ok...

After a hard days feeling good and getting all excited about christmas (2 feelings that have been quite alien to me as of late), I decided to watch a film. The film in question was 'Gothika' (the only one I really fancied), and I wish I'd never bothered.

Ok, I kind of enjoyed it-the reason that I couldn't fully enjoy it is that the film centres around the main character waking up and having no memory of a crime she commited-can you spell 'trigger'?

I haven't completely crumbled-I did give in to some ruminating which threw up some uncomfortable questions and confusing memories (nothing dodgy, just real life memories that, like before, I have no recollection of exactly when they took place so they become fuel for a thousand 'what if?' scenarios), but it's still left me slightly unnerved. I didn't want to stop watching the film, as I kind of figured that it would lend validity to my fears if I let the subject matter scare me into believing I actually had something to worry about, but like I said-still slightly unnerved by it all.

Having said that (and here's the part that will seemingly contradict everything that I just wrote)-I'm still feeling pretty good. I'm not afraid or in tears (touch wood!), and I'm seeing my shrink tomorrow so if it's still bugging me at least I can talk it through with him.

Sorry for blabbering on again, but it helps to get it all out, so to speak.

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Hi Smudger,

Just typical of OCD for the film to have the very thing you fear. Glad to hear you're not too bad with it and it's good you could come on here and share. Hope your appt with your therapist is helpful too - it will give you a chance to work it all out before Christmas, which I hope you really enjoy. :newyear:

Take care

whitebeam

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Guest Smudger

Thanks Whitebeam! :D

My appointment went really well thanks-feeling a bit 'ocd'ish' at the moment, but it's not too severe and will hopefully pass-I think it's because I had a couple of little beers with my dinner, fell asleep, and am having a small anxiety reaction caused by the alcohol (always happens when I have a drink-drink, feel good, sleep, anxiety-hangover). At least I only had a couple, as opposed to getting drunk.

Anyway-thanks again, and I hope you have a happy xmas too! :newyear:

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Guest jessicaargh

Hello Smudger and all,

I've just joined and it's been really interesting and comforting reading this thread.

I've got a looong story which I won't rehearse now. But I too worried that I either had abused or might abuse children.

As a young woman I was terrified that I might be a lesbian, until I met some lesbians and realised that it was - uh - ok.

I can't say how brilliant I think CBT is. I did 9 years of psychoanalytical psychotherapy and in retrospect it made me A LOT worse.

I get really paranoid too about things I (a) might have done or (b) think I have done. The main result is that I don't go out and socialise locally as my friends all live elsewhere.

I am taking medication for the paranoia and the OCD. And one thing I do know; it often hops at this time of year!

Smudger...I hope you can find a way to hang on to your reality.

(hugs and a :newyear: )

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Guest Smudger

Thanks Jessicaargh!

Welcome to the board! I'm ok at the mo-little bit ****** which is unusual for me, but my grammar and spelling is still perfect, so I'm alright! Nice to meet you!

:D

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Guest jessicaargh
Thanks Jessicaargh!

Welcome to the board! I'm ok at the mo-little bit ****** which is unusual for me, but my grammar and spelling is still perfect, so I'm alright! Nice to meet you!

:)

24573[/snapback]

And you too! :) (waving)

I'm not ****** but I'm smoking lots of ciggies coff coff hack :D

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Guest Smudger
And you too! :) (waving)

I'm not ****** but I'm smoking lots of ciggies coff coff hack  :D

24574[/snapback]

Me too!

*retch-splutter-HHHAAAAAACCCCKKKKK!!!!!!*

How are you doing?

:)

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Guest Smudger

'lo again.

Just another pointless update: christmas sucked (my own fault, got drunk xmas eve and set myself off again), and over the past couple of days my main worry has slowly been creeping back in again (all the 'what-if you can't remember' stuff again).

On top of that, I had an appointment today to see a doctor who was going to review my case for the Department of Work and Pensions to see if I can still claim my Incapacity Benefit (which I need at the moment because I really don't feel ready to work at the moment), only I get a phone call this morning saying that the doctor is sick and they're going to have to reschedule. I was anxious enough as it is, and hearing that just had me crawling back in to bed to cry like a little kid with a skinned knee.

I'm really tired of this, I just want it all to end.

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Hi Smudger,

I'm sorry to hear about what happened with your Incapacity assessment today. That really does suck big time. It is such an anxious time for people as you say anyway, so when it's cancelled it can be almost unbearabale. This happened to my husband once and it was so hard for him.

I just wanted to say that I hope you feel a bit better soon and that it's not too long before you get another appointment.

Patsy x

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Hi Smudger,

I just wanted to say that alot of your posts could have been written by me (even writing that brings some mild anxiety), I want to reply to you in some more detail, but have been on the board awhile now and my son is getting very bored. There is only so much Teletubbies he can take! (Bad mother, putting child in front of tv so early, I know, I know!)

Hope to find time to write soon. Have a good New Year's celebration, if you are having one.

Take care,

Alpha

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Hi Smudger,

I hope you had a good start to the New Year. I have read most of the posts you have made and have always found things in them that I identify with. I really hope that you are not feeling too low at the moment, but want to say that I REALLY DO UNDERSTAND how awful it is to suffer from OCD related to past memories that aren't even clear memories, if they are memories at all. The incredible anxiety and need to BE SURE about things is so all consuming because the alternative, to accept the thought/ worry/ action is true is not acceptable.

My status as an acceptable person depended on my ability to convince myself that the memory was not true, and when I couldn't do that, or I could, but only for a bit, because the "right feeling" I had about it faded, then I was left with a feeling that I must be awful and a bad person and the overwhelming guilt made me blow all things out of proportion until I couldn't see the wood for the trees anyway.

You may have tried alot of these things already, but I'll mention a few that were very helpful to me.

I've read about OCD alot and tried quite a few techniques and found that therapy, and using a range of techniques has been most helpful. I am learning to ACCEPT myself as someone who makes mistakes and is still okay, like everyone else, and that I have to RISK TAKE. This means accepting that I can NEVER be sure of my past memories because they are just that - memories and I can never get them back, and even if I think I have, how can I remember everything exactly as it was? My therapist never used to reassure me either as she would say "I wasn't there, anyway, the past is the past and it's gone." I felt a bit let down initially, as I wanted her to reassure me even if it was just a bit, but I know now that she was preparing me to be my own therapist from day 1.

I have to take a RISK that the actions I did/ think I did, etc, are my OCD playing up. How painful is that to do? Extremely, as I'm sure you will agree. I have to live with the fact that I have taken that risk, and realise that every day, millions of other people take similar risks and never think about it.

I can also help with risk-taking by using other knowledge I have about OCD, to soften the blow, as it were. Like, if it feels like OCD it is - I try to recognise if it feels like OCD, then I take the risk it is and label it as such, especially if, as you have, discussed it with your therapist and others on here. But what if this time it's not OCD? Well, then I think "it's more likely to be OCD". Back to the risk-taking. It's a real killer. I am doing it now, as I type this, as I live my life, I have taken risks and I am living with them, even though I would REALLY prefer to know for sure, but I know I cannot. I can live with the anxiety now. The situations I worried about now cause me low level anxiety.

Another thing I found helpful was thinking about, the feelings accompanying OCD situations. Often things "felt real" - that's the only way to describe it and IF IT FEELS REAL, HOW DO YOU KNOW IT'S NOT? I found this really hard, still do sometimes. I try to think whether it has an OCD-feel to it when it happens and try to recognise it as OCD. There is also a quote in Brain Lock (sorry, don't have page number) which says: "OCD may mimic the feeling of reality but reality never mimics the feeling of OCD." I use this to remind myself that I would have KNOWN if it was real.

Often I would also worry about something I definitely DID do in my past and feel really bad and guilty about it and feel a great need to "confess" to someone or ask for reassurance about it. I learnt that it is not what I had done (everyone makes mistakes), but that it was MY RESPONSE to the situation that was OCD and which generated out of proportion guilt. I had opportunities to work through alot of situations which had troubled me terribly, almost incapacitated me with guilt, and that alone, made such a big difference to me.

Take care,

Alpha

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Guest Smudger

Thanks Alpha :huh:

I'll type a proper reply later on-I have the flu* at the moment, and even typing hurts!

*I am male, so when I say 'flu' I obviously mean 'bad cold'.

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I'll type a proper reply later on-I have the flu* at the moment, and even typing hurts!

*I am male, so when I say 'flu' I obviously mean 'bad cold'.

:huh:

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Guest Smudger

Back to vent again, so sit down and strap in...

I'm beginning to wish that I still had the flu, as all through that time the ocd just left me alone. Now I'm over it, the bad thoughts and feelings are coming back again.

It's a mix of things: I feel bad because I worry that my main worry may be true again (although it's very mild comapred to how it has been before), and I'm also feeling guilty over my past again. These are things I know I've done (and they're nothing that bad at all-just stuff that I did as a kid), but even though I know they aren't that bad, and that there's nothing I can do to change them, I still feel the need to confess to try and lift the guilty feelings (if that makes sense).

Here's the thing I'm wrestling with: I don't want to confess to them. They're embarassing, sure, but I've had to confess to far worse in my time (most of which I've done here), and I'm tired of winding myself up over things that I know I can do nothing to change. I've got into the whole 'confession is good for the soul' routine, and I hate it-I want to accept that I'm not the only person who's had moments in their life that make them want to curl up and die from shame, because I don't feel that I'll ever achieve peace in my life if I always try to attone for every real or imagined bad thing I've ever done. Does anyone else feel like that?

I also did something stupid tonight: I took an online test thing that tells you how evil you are (well, actually it will tell you how evil a web site or a block of text is-something to do with each letter being assigned a value and then it gets worked out from there). I know it's a stupid test (I only took it because I considered it a joke), but it didn't seem so funny when I ran my name though it and got "99% evil" as my score. I know it's ridiculous (hell- 'Lucifer' gets 99% GOOD as its rating), but it's just one of those things that makes me believe I should just give up now.

I also have a benefit assessment in a week or so which has got me down. I have to talk to a doctor who will judge whether I should go back to work or not, and it's got me worried because I don't feel ready. I've made a lot of progress this last year, but I still don't feel ready to go back to work yet. What makes it worse is that I was supposed to have this appointment in December last year, but it got cancelled that morning and I've had to wait about a month extra for it-not fun.

Sorry, self-pity-rant over.

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I've got into the whole 'confession is good for the soul' routine, and I hate it-I want to accept that I'm not the only person who's had moments in their life that make them want to curl up and die from shame, because I don't feel that I'll ever achieve peace in my life if I always try to attone for every real or imagined bad thing I've ever done. Does anyone else feel like that?

Yes Smudger - this is me too! Sometimes it's nicer to not always tell the truth to people no matter how guilty we feel. I have to keep telling myself that because I slip up so much and end up admitting to everything!! This is only a little example, but over Christmas, one of my 'stocking' presents was a packet of sweets. However, I can't eat these sweets because they have gelatine in them and I'm vegetarian. So rather than acknowledging this and just thinking quietly to myself "Oh I'll just give them to a friend or another member of the family or something", I blurted out, "Oh I can't eat these!!!!". (Shakes head)... I should have just kept quiet, rather than hurting people's feelings, but I just feel so guilty about EVERYTHING! :)

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Guest Smudger

It's horrible isn't it? Obviously I accept that guilt has it's place, but to feel guilty over the stupidest things is just pointless, yet I can't help it-my mind wanders off on the stupidest tangents and says "but what if that stupid thing you did as a kid had far and wide reaching repurcussions that you aren't aware of?".

I suppose the point is to just give up on it-accept that everyone has these kinds of skeletons, and to get on with life, but it's hard.

And joy of joys, today seems destined to be another spent wrestling with the 'did I/didn't I' scenario that has been my life for the past 3 years. Just another day where I really wouldn't object to a bus jumping the kerb and putting me out of my misery.

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Guest Smudger

This never stops, does it?

Round and round and round-did I/didn't I, did I/didn't I-never being able to enjoy anything, always living under this cloud of fear that tells me I'm evil and different to everyone else.

What's the point?

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Hey Smudger,

It's a bummer isn't it!! I know only too well as I have suffered from this for about 40 years! Times it is very very hard to deal with and you think you'll never get out the bit but it can and does get better.

The point is, it's ocd you have and that is what's making things so diffiult for you. You hang in there and hopefully things will improve again for you soon. It's true what you say though, it does go round in circles but we have to try to be strong and ride out the storm. Easy to say, I know, but we have to.

always living under this cloud of fear that tells me I'm evil and different to everyone else.

I think many of us feel like this but it is OCD making us feel this way. We must realise this and that we are not evil in any way.

Take care,

Love Patsy xx

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Guest Smudger

Thanks Patsy :hug:

I just don't know how much longer I can stand this. I can't see any point to a life lived this way. It's so hard to carry on when I think I may be guilty of the most awful of crimes, and that I don't deserve to carry on anyway.

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Are you receiving any help smudger?

You know deep down that you haven't done anything wrong. It is OCD making you feel like this, you know it. Try not to let it get a hold of you like this. The more you worry about it the worse it is. Don't let it win :hug:

Patsy x

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I just don't know how much longer I can stand this. I can't see any point to a life lived this way. It's so hard to carry on when I think I may be guilty of the most awful of crimes, and that I don't deserve to carry on anyway.

28034[/snapback]

Hi Smudger,

Sorry to hear that things are so tough for you at the moment.

I'm going to ask the same as Patsy....Are you receiving any treatment at the moment?

I think it would be worth contacting your GP (or your therapist if you are seeing one) asap and tell them how awful you feel your life is. To me it sounds as if you are possibly depressed and that may be making things worse.

I know what it is like to feel that life is not worth living, but now after finding better meds and after quite a lot of 'talk' and exposure treatment, I do feel again that my life is worth something and I am actually quite optimistic at times!

Please try to see that you do deserve to carry on and that your life is worthwhile;

you may need to have some help to be able to see that for yourself.

Take care

whitebeam

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Guest Smudger
I just don't know how much longer I can stand this. I can't see any point to a life lived this way. It's so hard to carry on when I think I may be guilty of the most awful of crimes, and that I don't deserve to carry on anyway.

28034[/snapback]

Hi Smudger,

Sorry to hear that things are so tough for you at the moment.

I'm going to ask the same as Patsy....Are you receiving any treatment at the moment?

I think it would be worth contacting your GP (or your therapist if you are seeing one) asap and tell them how awful you feel your life is. To me it sounds as if you are possibly depressed and that may be making things worse.

I know what it is like to feel that life is not worth living, but now after finding better meds and after quite a lot of 'talk' and exposure treatment, I do feel again that my life is worth something and I am actually quite optimistic at times!

Please try to see that you do deserve to carry on and that your life is worthwhile;

you may need to have some help to be able to see that for yourself.

Take care

whitebeam

28074[/snapback]

Hi WB :hug:

I've been seeing a shrink for a year now, and have my next appointment scheduled for early February-I can't be bothered to contact him because he can't tell me what I need to hear: that I'm innocent and have nothing to worry about.

Thanks for the kind words though, they mean a lot :lol:

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I just don't know how much longer I can stand this. I can't see any point to a life lived this way. It's so hard to carry on when I think I may be guilty of the most awful of crimes, and that I don't deserve to carry on anyway.

28034[/snapback]

Hi Smudger,

Sorry to hear that things are so tough for you at the moment.

I'm going to ask the same as Patsy....Are you receiving any treatment at the moment?

I think it would be worth contacting your GP (or your therapist if you are seeing one) asap and tell them how awful you feel your life is. To me it sounds as if you are possibly depressed and that may be making things worse.

I know what it is like to feel that life is not worth living, but now after finding better meds and after quite a lot of 'talk' and exposure treatment, I do feel again that my life is worth something and I am actually quite optimistic at times!

Please try to see that you do deserve to carry on and that your life is worthwhile;

you may need to have some help to be able to see that for yourself.

Take care

whitebeam

28074[/snapback]

Hi WB :)

I've been seeing a shrink for a year now, and have my next appointment scheduled for early February-I can't be bothered to contact him because he can't tell me what I need to hear: that I'm innocent and have nothing to worry about.

Thanks for the kind words though, they mean a lot :)

28091[/snapback]

Hi smudger,i am sorry to hear what a tough time you are having with the ocd just now. We will support you through this,dont give up!!! :(

Keep strong though smudger,this is just a bad patch with it,it will pass.It is the ocd not you.It will pass though,just give it time,hang in there!!!Keep posting.Is it possible to get your appointment brought forward? so at least it would give you a chance to talk through what your experiencing just now with a professional.Take care.

Love ittykxxx :)

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Guest Smudger

Thanks ittyk :(

I don't know what to do. I've lived with this for over 3 years now, and it doesn't feel like it's ever going to go away. I'll never be able to prove to myself that it didn't happen-in fact, I just have the worry that one day I'll suddenly remember.

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