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feeling so low, don't know what to do :(


Guest Kitty

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Guest Kitty

I don't really know why I'm even writing all this down as it probably won't help, and I don't really think there's anything anyone can do or say.

I am just feeling so low right now, I wish I wasn't here anymore. Everything is getting too much for me to cope with and I don't know what to do to make it better. I'm sick of fighting to just get up and get through every day and keep going through it all, when there's nothing left to fight for. I'm just totally losing my grip on everything. The way I feel now is that I'm going to be stuck like this for the rest of my life, and things are never going to improve no matter how hard I try.

I've been seeing my psych for a few weeks now, but haven't had an appointment for a while as she's been on leave - and I had to cancel my last one as I had to make an emergency Docs appointment because I was unwell and thought I might need to go to A&E. I've got another week to wait until I see her, as she's on leave again next week.

I've been implementing all the things she wants me to do and keeping up with my challenges - cutting down on the handwashing/checking my body for signs of illness, I slipped up when I was ill - but seem to have got back on track since.

But my anxiety has been really bad since I got ill, and it's not going down any, it's making me so depressed and exhausted - and it's caused me to start with some new illness related checking rituals which isn't good.

I am also really struggling with eating, it's getting to ridiculous proportions now and is making me feel more depressed, on a purely vacuous level - I look absolutely awful, bony, thin and drawn - just utterly disgusting, ugly and deformed. On a more serious level it is actually making me physically ill now as well, I am terribly underweight, worn out and suffering other health problems - but no matter how hard I try I just can't force a full meal down, just because I am so frightened it will make me ill.

I'm constantly stressing about food, eating and illness and it's ruling my life. My psych is going to tackle it all with me over the next few weeks, but I just don't think I can cope anymore - I've had enough and feel ready to throw the towel in. I've suffered for so many years and this now just feels insurmountable - like too much of a challenge to get over. I'm going to be 30 at the end of this year, and I feel like I won't get there - a big bit of me doesn't want to, I am just so tired and feel that there really isn't anything worth fighting for anymore. I'm not well enough to work, can't use public transport, can't drive as I'm too scared to get back behind the wheel, and am just utterly trapped in a routine of utter drudge just to get through each day only to wake up in the morning and find that yet again I've survived another night and have to do it all again.

I'm not really getting a great deal of support at home, in fact things are bad here at the moment - constantly walking on eggshells and being told I've got a bad attitude. When I was ill the other week, I was told in no uncertain terms I had to 'prove' I was ill (won't go into what I had to do, but suffice to say it was utterly insulting and embarrassing) as it was felt all round that I was making it up, depite the fact at one point I was on the floor, crying with pain - I wasn't making it up, and at least the Dr believed me.

I'm really sorry to rant on, I don't even know why I'm doing this I just can't see a way through or a way out anymore and I just can't cope anymore - I don't know what to do, feel like I'm being slowly smothered.

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Guest Lizbeth

Hey K,

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling this way. I know sometimes it can seem endless...it has at times felt that way to me recently and I really do sympathise. Is there any way you could stay away from home for a little while, anyone you feel it would be good to be around right now? Sometimes you really do have to just focus on yourself and what and who will make you feel better. You should not be having to prove to anyone that you are ill since this is very clearly the case and I has been diagnosed by people qualified to make that assessment.

I wish there was something I could say to make it better but I fully appreciate it's not that easy. I wonder from your post how much living with your family is helping? It's incredibly difficult to really turn things around if you are in a situation that batters your sense of worth and self esteem. Could part of therapy be helping you to move towards a better living situation?

Not sure if any of this is helpful but I wanted to let you know I was thinking of you.

xx

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Hi Kitty :original: ,

I'm genuinely sorry that you're feeling so low.

Here's the thing - you're caught in a vicious cycle.

If your OCD has latched onto food and you're not eating enough that's definately going to afffect how well you feel physically, mentally and your sense of well-being.

Don't get me wrong I know it's not as easy as just sitting down to eat a meal when the OCD is saying otherwise - but you have to make a decision and a leap of faith. If you can eat something however small, not only are you standing up to the OCD you're also supporting your physical health which in turn will boost your mood and help you with standing up to the OCD.

At the moment you're running on empty and I'm afraid to say you're bound to continue to feel very low - I'm not saying a healthy diet can cure depression or OCD, but you're be amazed what a difference the right types of food have on our sense of well-being.

Is there anything that you really love eating? Something that's normally a treat would get the ball rolling, take care, Hal

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Hi Kitty

I know how tough things are for you hon but your so much more than your ocd etc. Every step of treatment seems like a mountain and the anxiety feels like its never gonna end but i can assure you it does and your will start to notice the difference.

it may be a journey of a thousand miles but every step your taking against the ocd is a victory.

Come on kitty i know you can do it and all of us here are right with you tell us every step and well do our best to help.

xxx

hugs

Nicky

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Guest duracellbunny

oh flippin heck mate - you are like the nicest , bestest top person in the world and mate i cant even find words to put together to describe you

aaaagggghhhhhhhhhh mate - i would give anything in the world , anything, anything , anything to make it all better for you .

babe i know mate - i know ....i know the pain hunny - aggghhhh i cant even find words to let you know that i feel the pain hunny .

i know that this probably wont help much hunny , but you are so precious and valuable that this world would be **** without you in it - and i say that from the bottom of my heart , you are an inspiration and you are priceless .

you are amazing - you helped me so much with the parliament report and you oooze geniuness and love and you help so many people and you are priceless.

i know everything is **** at the moment but we are going to get through this together and one day we will look back and think flippin heck we bloody made it !!!!!!!!

i know that there is a lot of good you are going to do on the earth babe - you are gonna change a lot of peoples lives for the better and this stuff your going through right now is temporary - not forever hunny !!!!

come on babe - big group hug - you ...i....and fisher bloom :group:

no.... thats my bum you've got your hand on :p

Edited by Guest
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Guest Sugarplum

Hi Kitty,

So sorry to hear you are feeling low. It just sounds like a post i could have written 6 months ago. I too had lost alot of weight and was looking awful. Also i am turning 30 this year and come from Ireland (two peas in a pod lol). Anyway just wanted to give some encouragement and say that things can improve. I was off work for 2 months and for that period of time my family had to constantly look after me and pick me up of the floor. Worst of all i have two children that i could'nt even look after i was so ill. Thankfully now i am starting to recover. I am back at work and seeing a therapist who is giving me a cbt top-up. Only problem i have now is dealing with bulilmia which i have struggled with for the last 12 years. So i can relate to the way OCD affects our food intake.

I know at times OCD can seem overwhelming and we feel powerless against it. But please find the strength within to stand up to it. It has not been a smooth path for me and i felt it worse over the last few days but OCD makes me so unhappy that i refuse to give into it. Even though i feel like my heart is in my mouth and fear has rooted me to the spot i still ignore the thoughts. I suppose motivation for me is my Husband and two children.

Is their anything you could work towards?

Hope you start to feel better sonn Kitty

Sugarplum

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hi honey

I'm sorry youre having such an awful time at the moment, I agree with what everyone has said,

and i know its not much help, but i'm thinking of you mate, and sending big hugs, please take care

xxxxxxxxxxxx

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Hi Kitty,

Sorry to hear how much you're struggling :hug:. Have you thought of trying Complan? It's like a drink rather than food and is designed for people who maybe have been ill and need to build up their strength a little (not in a bodybuilder-type way!).

When are you next seeing your psych? Are you able to get hold of her to bring the appointment forward if needed?

Take care of yourself :hug:

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Guest Kitty

Thank you to everyone who replied to me, it really means a lot :hug:, feel a bit weepy reading through everyone's words.

Lawrie - thank you :hug: . A lot of the problem with me is that I do have an appetite, I just feel that it's easier to not eat so much because I use the hunger as a safety net - to prove that I'm ok and not going to be ill. It's ultimately futile I know :( . The problems this causes are just as bad as that ones I'm trying and failing to prevent, and this is what I'm finding so hard to reconcile at the moment. I know all that sounds like utter tosh. I am possibly the most stupid person in the world but I absolutely can't stand the feeling of having a full stomach, I find it very distressing - and I tend to try and eat small amounts, often. It's just that my small amounts are miniscule... :blushing: . But it's just now at the point where no matter what I do I can't get past the eating/illness stuff and it's taken over everything, and the more anxious I get, the less I eat, the worse everything else gets.

NS - thanks for the tip re Complan, I have tried it - but found it difficult to get on with - but I bought myself a yoghurt maker a few months ago and am trying to eat some home-made yoghurt every day instead...

My psych is off all this week and I won't see her till next week now, it just feels like ages since I last had an appointment and things have just gone downhill in the interim.

I am sorry, I know there are other people on here who are suffering way more than I am at the moment and I don't mean to rattle on - I just want out of all this mess now, I can't cope with it anymore and just want someone to take it all away from me.

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Guest legend

Sorry to hear your struggling kitty, but please dont feel that your rattling on, your having a hard time, and deserve

all the support and help, like any one of us does.

Hopefully when the pysch returns, you can both concentrate on getting yourself better, and that will happen.

keep going, it will get better,

legend.x

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Guest Lizbeth

I'm sure this is obvious and I know what a good cook you are but how about soups etc? I make this asparagus soup which is quite nourishing and very comforting. Perhaps if you heated it and put it in a mug you could sip it like a drink? I just thought that might work because you could sip it whilst watching a film or something so you're not under the pressure that I can imagine sitting down to a meal creates. You can liquidise so it has not bits in it at all. The cuppa soups aren't great because they are very salty but homemade soup might be good. My mum makes a really nice pumpkin as well.

Also, what about something like fishcakes? You can make them very small (I do) and they don't make you feel that full at all but because they include fish, some breadcrumbs and an egg to bind them they're quite nourishing.

Not sure if any of this helps but I've been thinking about it all day...I'm sure you've thought of all this already! :original:

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Guest Kitty

They're both really good ideas, and in all honesty I hadn't thought about them :blushing: . I do like fish, and like stuff like fishcakes, so they might well be a good idea to try out. It's anything that won't make me feel bloated...

The soup thing, I hadn't thought of making it into a 'drink', that could work really well - I've been trying to coerce Bobby to make himself some soups (I guess I should take a leaf out of my own book :blushing: ). I must admit that comfort foods like stews etc is the stuff I would go for, because I like the carbs that go with it.

Thanks pet :hug:

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