Severe Depression

[Guest lilyelspeth]

I'm back after another extended absence. Hooray for me!

This is my query: Did the OCD cause Depression or did Depression cause the OCD?

I'm a bit at the end of my rope and dreading every moment. I'm not suicidal, but only because of my massive fear of death. So if I wasn't afraid of dying, would I be suicidal? I'm just a knot of nerves and the 'what ifs' are swirling around my head. I'm also on that tangent where the questions and thoughts are moving so fast and so frequent that they are turning into nothingness. Does anyone else get this? I will be seeing my psychiatrist after 3 months finally this week. Please tell me I am not alone in feeling this way? I've tried looking for support groups in my area and there are none. Even more loneliness! Ugh.

I'm sorry, but this is just so frustrating. I don't want pity, I just want to not feel this way anymore!

[Guest Pure O]

My dear...you are not alone!!!!I m going through hell right now,I am looking for support aswell but is quite impossible to find it with the people around,family or friends that have never been through this(at least for me)!So, we should get used with de idea that it will be hard for them to understand us,is hard even for us to understand us,in fact,we have this problem because we can t understand us! I m having the same question as you:is the depression provoking the OCD or OCD the depression?I ve been into depression few years ago and after a while I could deal with that,I managed to get away from it when I was not so scared about it anymore(I used to be terrified about every depressive episode I had).Now,I m wondering...has this fear found another way to attack me?I m trying to get away from it,I know it s possible due to the fact I ve been into a similar situation before ,but now I m just too tired... Good luck!!!

[Guest Lizbeth]

I'm back after another extended absence. Hooray for me!

This is my query: Did the OCD cause Depression or did Depression cause the OCD?

I'm a bit at the end of my rope and dreading every moment. I'm not suicidal, but only because of my massive fear of death. So if I wasn't afraid of dying, would I be suicidal? I'm just a knot of nerves and the 'what ifs' are swirling around my head. I'm also on that tangent where the questions and thoughts are moving so fast and so frequent that they are turning into nothingness. Does anyone else get this? I will be seeing my psychiatrist after 3 months finally this week. Please tell me I am not alone in feeling this way? I've tried looking for support groups in my area and there are none. Even more loneliness! Ugh.

I'm sorry, but this is just so frustrating. I don't want pity, I just want to not feel this way anymore!

Hi Lily,

You're not alone at all. I was feeling the same about a month ago. Is there anything specific that you think may have triggered this period of depression and OCD?

I'm also on that tangent where the questions and thoughts are moving so fast and so frequent that they are turning into nothingness.

You've put much more eloquently than I could exactly how I felt. For me, this is when I became depressed...crying constantly, losing track of time etc. It's horrible and I'm so sorry that you're feeling this way. Are you on medication at the moment? A very personal choice and not for everyone but it takes the edge off sometimes.

Is this appointment with your psychiatrist to diagnose you or is it part of ongoing treatment?

Please keep posting and remember you are not alone at all. Thinking of you and wishing you better days.

xx

[Guest lilyelspeth]

I've just been very lonely. I've always been lonely but it's gotten worse since I moved away from home.

I take Clomipramine right now and it seems to have stopped working. I am seeing my doctor as part of ongoing treatment. He is back home, about 3 hours away. I have a trust issue so I haven't looked for anyone closer yet. It's also a nice excuse to go home and visit.

[Guest Lizbeth]

Yeah, I think the feeling of OCD combined with depression can create a feeling of very intense lonliness. Are there people nearby who you feel you can talk to? I fully appreciate that people like that are hard to find and it's not something you can force but if there are people you feel comfortable with it's really worth accessing whatever help and support you need. Are you anywhere near London? I read that there aren't any groups in your area but there are definitely some in London and I think the same would go for any major city such as Manchester, Edinburgh etc.

[Guest lilyelspeth]

Yeah, I think the feeling of OCD combined with depression can create a feeling of very intense lonliness. Are there people nearby who you feel you can talk to? I fully appreciate that people like that are hard to find and it's not something you can force but if there are people you feel comfortable with it's really worth accessing whatever help and support you need. Are you anywhere near London? I read that there aren't any groups in your area but there are definitely some in London and I think the same would go for any major city such as Manchester, Edinburgh etc.

I wish I was near London!!!! Then I'd be forever joyful.

No, I live actually within walking distance to my brother, but no friends yet. We don't get on as well as I would like, never have. My family isn't very open, so the most people I ever get to talk to are the 5 at work and I could NEVER talk to them about this. Honestly. So literally, I have no one but my dogs. And they never have good advice.

[Guest Lizbeth]

Well, I can imagine why you would feel isolated. Do you have any friends who are further away? Even when it's a just a telephone it can be very helpful just to talk to someone who kind of 'gets' it.

It may be worth going to the doctors and having your antidepressant dose upped a little or even a medication change. I'm by no means an expert but I think sometimes that their effectiveness for some people can wear off over time or change in efficacy.

xx

[Guest lilyelspeth]

Lizbeth, I truly appreciate your trying, it's nice to know someone knows what I'm talking about.

Unfortunately, I literally have no friends. Just little me and my pets. I'm not good at keeping friends and as of 18 month ago, my last one left me. I try getting out there, I'm friendly, I volunteer, I approach people, but I think I'm just destined to be alone. Which definitely does not aid in the depression and OCD.

Thank you for your help though. I really do appreciate it.

[Guest Lizbeth]

Lizbeth, I truly appreciate your trying, it's nice to know someone knows what I'm talking about.

Unfortunately, I literally have no friends. Just little me and my pets. I'm not good at keeping friends and as of 18 month ago, my last one left me. I try getting out there, I'm friendly, I volunteer, I approach people, but I think I'm just destined to be alone. Which definitely does not aid in the depression and OCD.

Thank you for your help though. I really do appreciate it.

You are very, very welcome. :original:

I'm sorry I can't offer more in the way of practical help and I'm sorry if some of my suggestions were a little 'textbook.' I have not been in your exact situation but I managed to narrowly avoid my third breakdown last month. I was fortunate not be alone in dealing with it and I do not like to think that you are. Of course I do not 'know' you but you come across as a thoughtful, interesting person and it seems inexplicable to me that you do not have more friends. Please continue to post...I think sometimes a person needs to feel 'listened' to even if they cannot help practically.

xx

[Guest lilyelspeth]

I'll post something that is a part of my memoirs (I'm a writer) and a piece I sent to my doctor to explain things better. I don't get to see him often and he doesn't think I need CBT (tried it before) so I thought this might give him better insight.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve never felt a part of anything. I’ve never felt a part of friends or family, religions or groups. I’ve never even felt a part of myself.

Don’t get me wrong, I want to belong, I want to feel alive. I just can’t get there. There have been snippets; rare moments where I’ve felt what seemed like euphoria; times when I should have felt joy for being alive.

It seems as though my life can be summed up into one sentence: I’m not ambitious enough for my own dreams. It’s as if the universe is playing a cruel trick on me. The girl with so much creativity and passion flowing through her veins with some unknown pathogen or tragic flaw stopping those dreams and passions from ever being fully realized. It doesn’t help that every day the loneliness becomes more and more palpable. It has such a bitter taste. The things that once brought me joy only offer brief respites and then flood into more worry and grief over things that cannot be controlled. Caution is the way of the world I inhabit, always terrified of what might happen next. I sit for hours on end and contemplate the what-if scenarios in my head. If only there were a pause button. The thoughts circle a drain into nothingness; I pick them apart until they are thoughts no more. Just brief memories of some tangent I had been on. And I wonder, surely there are people suffering just like me, surely there is someone else right now who feels like ripping their hair out or destroying something because nothing feels “quite right” and they can’t get the malingering thoughts to leave their mind?

Right now, I am grateful to love writing. I am grateful because it is the only instance where I can make sense, or at least make some sense of my thoughts. I can get them down, try to see if there is some way to solve any of the problems or crises I have created. It is the only true release of tension I have and I am (and actually do realise) how lucky I am to have discovered my true love and passion in life. Writing, words, are my everything. It does not help then, when my mind does not want me to even concentrate on that. When I can actually sit down for more than just a few moments and write uninterrupted by random and intrusive thoughts, is a miracle. I cannot even recall a time in any recollectable memory when I could even focus on one thing without my brain switching gears on me. What I wouldn’t give to practice my French for more than 5 minutes without my mind meandering into something else.

What frightens me the most is the reality that I will most likely be plagued by this for the rest of my life. That means, even with menial things like watching a movie, I will not be able to turn the switch off, even hit pause. You know the old phrase ‘Silence is Golden?’ I can absolutely relate to that. What I wouldn’t give to have 10 minutes of silence, 10 minutes of pure, quiet bliss. 10 minutes where the track in my brain can cool down. And sadly enough, some time not to think about myself. It might sound nice to some people, being introspective about oneself. But not like this, not thinking about yourself so much that you’ve completely eradicated who you are. You’ve tried to examine who you are so much so that you’ve become a blur like every other thought that you’ve had. To me, it’s like a beautiful painting that got tossed into the ocean and you can see what used to be there but it’s still a muddle of objects that have combined into one canvas of blurry colors, the only thing left just wisps of memories. All diluted into nothingness.

As I sit here writing, I look over at the 2 constants I have in my life, the girls, my dogs. I watch them sleep and wish life could stay as precious as those moments. They are so peaceful and calm it makes my heart ache. But once again, thoughts creep in and ruin the moment. I worry every day about their safety and happiness. My joy often depends on theirs. I love them so much that sometimes my heart feels as though it will burst out of my chest. And I wonder, why does something that brings me so much joy, come with so much pain? Why can I not just love them? As simple as that.

One of my other pets passed away recently. It hasn’t hit me as I thought it would. I was devastated at first, but as the days go on, I still have questions as to why and I get weepy at thought of her not being around. I try to imagine she is in a better place, but I’m selfish and I want her back now. And then I start to think of all the pets I have lost in the past knowing I’ve never truly gotten over losing them either.

Which in turn leads me to the thoughts of why I love animals so much; why I care so much, why I get so attached. I can only come to the conclusion that some people are more in tune to nature than others. I just wish I had more resources to help as I see fit. My mum says I can’t save them all, but I want to. Just the thought of an animal suffering vs. the suffering of a human, I, for some reason, choose my compassion to go to the animal. I have kindness towards humans, yes, but I’ve never been able to figure out why animals get to me. And perhaps, I’ll never know but I sure want to. Yes, that would mean an easy way out. I want all the answers without doing the work. I want to be lazy, even with my emotions. Yet we all know that can’t be done with an OCD’er. No way, no how. I’ll just keep thinking those thoughts into nothingness and create new ones with the ashes of the old. All these metaphors. For those of you who get it: where have you been all my life? For those who don’t: thank your ******* lucky stars you don’t. Because sometimes, and I apologize: this life ******* sucks at itself.

I mean, can you imagine, the question ‘What if?’ playing over and over in your head? Thinking of endless scenarios in panic? Wishing you had done one thing instead of the other? Believing if you had done something different, life would be better? And I don’t mean on occasion, I mean all the damn time. Like what to eat or if you left the house at a different time, or the fact that because something happened to you years ago, life might be different? Oh, I know it sounds ridiculous, that’s the nature of the beast, you want to stop but you can’t. If only there were an on/off switch for your psyche.

If only…

Sure, I used to be a positive person. But I relapsed. Sometimes you know when it’s coming and you’ll be hard pressed to stop it. And sometimes you won’t and it will be like getting hit with a ton of proverbial bricks.

So I’m not sure if I could be considered suicidal. I think about it, but not in the way of how I would do it, just thought about it generally. How people would react, if it would be worth it, those kind of thoughts. I think about what people in high school used to say- no pity party. But is this a pity party? Or is this something I can’t help, or is it? Or am I just too weak. Am I just not strong enough? I take medicine and expect all these great things that never happen. Is it all my fault? Do I suck so much that I fail at everything, even how my body reacts to medications? Will I ever get better like I did before? Or is this it? Destined to fail, to just “get by”, be alone, find no joy in anything anymore, keep on hitting myself with the hammer knowing it hurts and continuing to do it anyway? Live these fantasies I come up with? Keep having the same dreams every night?

Right now it feels like I am just getting by-highs and lows are present, yes-but just…blah. I’m trying to get out there. I go to shows, have been volunteering and will do some more, but I guess people can sense how awkward I am. What a loser, who would want to be my friend or lover? Am I really supposed to be alone for the rest of my life? I’m nice and sweet, cordial and caring, giving and loving. So why am I alone? Do I think about or want it too much? My whole life I’ve been lonely and I am 27 years old. I think it’s about time I wasn’t alone anymore. Why me? I obviously can’t handle it. I’m weak and too introspective. What did I do or do I do to deserve this? But there I go: feeling sorry for myself again. Of only I could make the thoughts flooding my head go into the correct route. Channel them properly, be the best person I am supposed to be and accomplish the life I truly want and deserve to have. Should I give up? Stop fighting? Stop caring? When my mum dies, that’s it, I’ll truly be alone if I have no one by then. She’s my only friend. How sad is that? It took us a long time to get here and I still don’t trust her 100%. If you are so screwed up and you can’t trust your own mother, how screwed up are you?

My brain is so jumbled sometimes I find it hard to even get words out. Like a stroke victim, I slur words and stumble over myself. I forget simple things I should remember. I’m so stupid academically but loved school; remember random facts but forget things that should come easily. Most of the time I feel like my brain has been broken into a million pieces and then thrown together like a puzzle out of order, a task of seemingly impossible proportions. I find two pieces, think things are going well, and then I lose track and have to start all over again. Hell, then I lose interest. I’ve started enough hobbies for 20 people and never completed one project. Why???!!! I mean, how hard is it? I can organize an office but can’t organize my own thoughts.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!

Sometimes it feels so weird that I want to scream. The thoughts are like bugs crawling all over my body and I can’t wipe them away. I feel like I could burst. I feel disgusting and crazy, alone and frustrated. Why, why, why? Like now, I’m sitting here writing this because I can’t sleep. It’s almost 2 hours past my usual bed time and my skin is crawling with thoughts and anxiety. I just want to fall asleep forever sometimes. At least my dreams are interesting and filled with people. I’m never alone in them. Although they usually involve loss, at least I have something to lose, not like in real life.

[Guest legend]

hi lily, have you had cbt for your ocd ? its also important that a good therapist treats both conditions accordinally,

and to find which one is causing or making the other worse

[Guest Lizbeth]

hi lily, have you had cbt for your ocd ? its also important that a good therapist treats both conditions accordinally,

and to find which one is causing or making the other worse

This is something worth bearing in mind, Lily. Just because you haven't got the right help yet doesn't mean you won't ever get it. In my experience it is always worth going back again. It took me three years to convince a doctor I might even have OCD since, apparently, I just seem too functional .

Impressive writing, by the way. I mean, I appreciate that wasn't the point but still worth mentioning. I'd like to write more again but I want to wait til I'm feeling a bit better.

If it helps at all, what you wrote, in terms of the sentiment, is really not unusual for someone suffering from the unpleasant combination of OCD and depression. You aren't alone, people do know how you feel. I do, at least in parts. You mention a few times about having been a positive person previously and wanting to be like you were before. Was it a gradual thing do you think or a sudden illness?

xx

[Kisu]

lilyelsbeth, could have been a chapter out of my book, and hello, fellow writer. I'm old enough to be yr mother and luckily I have two gorgeous sons whom I adore to kingdom come and no pets but I still relate to yr feelings. I feel I'm an outsider, looking in. I think creative people analyse too much, that's the trouble. I have more time on my hands than I can deal with, I live in a country whose language I cannot speak. I feel totally mutilated, frustrated and out of control. It takes me one minute to go to the local off licence, buy some very strong vodka and get off me head, and that's even b4 hubby comes home. I then sleep, do b****r all all day and when he comes home I'm totally gormless and an argument ensues.

I HATE THIS BLINKING HOVEL OF A COUNTRY

[Guest lilyelspeth]

Kisu: yes, I am definitely an analyser! Way too much. I just read an article about something called "The Sylvia Plath Effect" regarding mental illness and creativity. Not too conclusive about the links, however, for someone whom experiences it, I think it's real.

lizbeth: My doctor definitely diagnosed me with OCD about 12 years ago, before I even had a concept of it. He never gave me the actual diagnoses, I figured it out myself. I was in CBT 2 separate times and it was nice to have someone to talk to, but it never worked out.

Here's the thing, I'd love to have a support group, knowing there are none for me where I am, in reality I know what is wrong but putting myself to the test is impossible (it seems.) Logically, I can say: this and this is wrong, I feel this way because....but I can't stop. Do you know what I'm trying to say? I hope so.

I was doing so well and then life happened.

[Kisu]

lily, what part of the country are u in? I'm coming home in Sept, live in the lovely West country so if u r anywhere near Reading, Swindon, Bristol or Cardiff, maybe we could meet. At least I can take the train/coach and know I am not being ripped off, unlike here when they hear u speak English, the price of everything doubles. even train fares. Cannot register with a dentist as nobody takes anybody but Dutch people on. Tried today. This is the most racist nation I have come across, ever. Even Israelis and Arabs don't hate each other as much as these people hate anybody not speaking their language.

[Kisu]

thersites, was that for me? I feel like I've got two heads, every time I go out.

[Guest lilyelspeth]

lily, what part of the country are u in? I'm coming home in Sept, live in the lovely West country so if u r anywhere near Reading, Swindon, Bristol or Cardiff, maybe we could meet. At least I can take the train/coach and know I am not being ripped off, unlike here when they hear u speak English, the price of everything doubles. even train fares. Cannot register with a dentist as nobody takes anybody but Dutch people on. Tried today. This is the most racist nation I have come across, ever. Even Israelis and Arabs don't hate each other as much as these people hate anybody not speaking their language.

Kisu, I am unfortunately not in the UK now. How I wish! I'm at university for the next decade getting my PhD in writing. I am sorry for your troubles. People are unbelievably cruel.

thersites, thank you. My writing means so much to me. You have a way with words yourself, very visual and lovely.

[Guest cat1]

hi lily,im not having much luck getting support for my ocd either.Id love to chat to u sometime,do u have yahoo messenger or anything like that? i felt very alone until i found this site,and have also been quite depressed,although i function fairly well as i learnt how to effecively hide it from people.I have felt very jealous of people without ocd,who can find peace and sit without thoughts going round in their heads.Ive always been a very introspective person,and am also a writer,like you.Im worried right now,as ive just finished an open university course in fiction writing,which was helping to fill my days,as i only work part time.Now im finished that,im worried that i will not have enough to do to keep me occupied.I dont have a lot of friends either,and those i do have,although are good friends,dont live close by.So i feel isolated too. Have u thought about trying cbt again?

Lizbeth, I truly appreciate your trying, it's nice to know someone knows what I'm talking about.

Unfortunately, I literally have no friends. Just little me and my pets. I'm not good at keeping friends and as of 18 month ago, my last one left me. I try getting out there, I'm friendly, I volunteer, I approach people, but I think I'm just destined to be alone. Which definitely does not aid in the depression and OCD.

Thank you for your help though. I really do appreciate it.

[Guest lilyelspeth]

hi lily,im not having much luck getting support for my ocd either.Id love to chat to u sometime,do u have yahoo messenger or anything like that? i felt very alone until i found this site,and have also been quite depressed,although i function fairly well as i learnt how to effecively hide it from people.I have felt very jealous of people without ocd,who can find peace and sit without thoughts going round in their heads.Ive always been a very introspective person,and am also a writer,like you.Im worried right now,as ive just finished an open university course in fiction writing,which was helping to fill my days,as i only work part time.Now im finished that,im worried that i will not have enough to do to keep me occupied.I dont have a lot of friends either,and those i do have,although are good friends,dont live close by.So i feel isolated too. Have u thought about trying cbt again?

I do have aim, if you have that.

I have asked about trying CBT again, however, my doctor keeps saying "we'll see". So, I'm going to ask again. Which is a big deal as I am not a very trusting person. The first time I went to CBT I quit because my therapist reminded me of my dad (transference) with whom I have no relationship.

As for keeping occupied, oh, I've tried every hobby there is and I have no attention span (though surprisingly have never been diagnosed with ADHD/ADD, I've asked and tried meds but they mae my heart race). Only thing I have is writing and what is the worst: when I'm happy, the writing is no good. My livelihood depends on it, so do I WANT to get better?!

[Kisu]

lily, sorry to hear you not back home. I too have a very short attention span and have also wondered about having ADHD. In fact last summer my cousin said to me that I did have it but then again he was drunk and didn't like my constant interruptions. I, too, have started many hobbies but not continued them as my attention drops. I used to do a lot of running but then got fed up with it and gave up. That would give me a real high but then it gradually waned until it was a chore to drag myself out running. Also, my knees and feet started playing up - what a perfect excuse to give up. In Spain I love swimming, gives me a similar high, but I'm not there now, no idea when next.

I am going to try MBT walking as soon as I have the money to buy the shoes.

[Guest lilyelspeth]

It's nice to see I'm not alone, thanks Kisu. Sometimes introspection can be a good thing. Now we just have to try and harness it.

[Guest lilyelspeth]

Well, I forgot to ask about CBT, but I have an appointment again in 3 weeks because he put me on Abilify (aripiprazole). So he said it is classic OCD and the depression is just "the other side of the coin". Also, I am terrified to take the new medicine because 1 in 20,000 people die from it.

Otherwise, I'm in a better mood but god I am so sick of being so lonely. :blushing:

[Guest lilyelspeth]

So I thought about it, I really thought about it. And the worst part? I was so calm. That's what frightens me the most, is that I could have killed myself tonight, honestly, it as like this calm of "it's okay" came over me. I've never been that way before.

[Guest Serpent7]

Ah. Well, that's actually still the OCD scaring you. I got that feeling before. I went out on my bike once with the intention of getting myself run over. I never did it, of course, but I felt calm, too. Really peaceful, infact. And that's scary, it's like "Well, maybe this means that I infact want to die?" But it isn't. It's something deeper to do with not ignoring the fears for once and thinking things through, and maybe even the reaction to such horrible thoughts. I mean, if something makes us very happy, we often cry, so why can't this be a little backwards too?

You needn't worry. You're obviously going through some awful times right now, and I implore you to just be easy on yourself. I'm lonely too, and it's even worse at the moment because I'm the only one living in this house. But I'm trying to keep above it all by doign nice things, like playing games, making sure I do work every now and then, playing my guitar, listening to music... Doing things that make me happy. I'm not trying to brush it under the rug, but a cup of herbal tea and a good chat over MSN with some friends is really good for me.

Anyway, hope that at least helps a little; Ben.