where im at now...

[Guest cat1]

hi,ive posted this tentatively as im not sure im welcome here anymore as i got called some nasty things before i left,(although i know this has now been dealt with here so ill leave it at that), or even if this forum is going to help me.But ive come back for help with my ocd and to hopefully help others if i can.Im going through a very bad time right now and could really use some support.The day i was suspended from here,i went to have a routine smear test,which went really wrong,resulting in a lot of pain and trauma for me mentally and physically.She inserted the speculum and it was very painful,she asked if i was ok,and i said no and asked her to take it out,as i cried out in pain and was in tears.She ignored me request and carried on.Afterwards she said shed had to open my cervix (which isnt a part of the test),and that my cervix was tucked.She ignored me crying and gave me a leaflet on breast exams before leaving me on the exman couch and leaving the room! I was very shocked and upset by it all. I went home and was in pain and bleeding and called up my drs to speak to another nurse who i knew was very nice.She was great,and said i could make a complaint,which i did by letter.I sent off a lettter the next day and then went on holiday two days later.Yesterday i got a phone call from the practise manager who was pushing me into a meeting with her the nurse that did the test and a dr there.Although she seemed to care about me and said she wanted me to feel able to go back to my drs and be treated by this woman,i just feel that i cant.I cant let myself get hurt potentially again.She kept saying she wanted us to meet so i felt comfortable going to see this nurse again.I told her that the pain during the test had triggered a flashback to how i felt when i had a past trauma.She asked me if id told the nurse before the test that i had problems like that.I said no as id dealt with that issue and didnt know it was going to get triggered.I was very upset after the phone call.She also said could i let her know by the end of the week if i wanted to go to this meeting.Im terrified about it,and cant decide what to do.Im so stressed out right now and feel disgusting and awful.I spoke to my support worker from a rape charity last night on the phone,which helped me to talk things through.

She made me realise that its my choice if i go to the meeting or not.What im worried about is that they will just explain medically what went wrong in the test and what was wrong with me (as the nurse said i had a tucked cervix).I dont want to discuss my past with the practice manager and am really scared about the meeting.But if i dont go i will never find out the medical side of things,ie what she did and why she did it.As when she did the test she didnt say she had to open my cervix and didnt explain why mine was like it was.I feel like ive been violated again and i cant explain how awful that feels and how upsetting it is.Yesterday i broke down and though i was having a breakdown.I also had all these negative thoughts abotu myself that i was causing a fuss by complaining,even though i was entitled to,and that it was all my fault what happened in the test (although i know it wasnt).I feel in complete turmoil about all this stuff.

I was so stressed when i went away,because of what happened during the test and the obsessive doubts set off by what people said to me on here regarding their sexual symptoms of their ocd.I had masses of thoughts coming into my head saying 'are u sure what u have is anxiety arousal and not sexual arousal',and i thought (ocd maybe) that people on here were saying to me that they thought i was experiencing sexual arousal and not anxiety arousal.I had my holiday,which was frought with bad ocd for a couple of days,then it settled down and i dealt with it.I couldnt shake off the ruminations about feeling that i was suddenly not sure what a groinal response was anymore,which resulted in me having panic attacks.I ignored it and relabelled etc,and now believe that i have had anxiety arousal,and that it is not possible to be both very anxious and to experience sexual arousal at the same time.I appreciate that the groinal feelings can feel slightly sexual,but i dont accept them as sexual arousal.These beliefs (and im talking about what ive been told on here by mods and others about what groinal response is,ie that its caused by focussing on down there and not talking about self reassurance) have helped me to move forwards,although my ocd is still telling me that i now dont understand what a groinal response is.

Yesterday i had a an urge to rewind my dvd to look at something as id been watched britains got talent where this guy had a wardbrobe malfunction and simon said that to this guy,but i didnt see what it was.So i decided to rewind to look,even though i knew it was his bits hanging oout.I felt awful when i was rewinding the dvd as i knew i didnt want to do it,but felt like i did with only a little anxiety.my ocd then said it meant i wasnt gay etc,although i knew i didnt look out of sexual interest,i ruminating for over an hour trying to figure out why i wanted to look.But i did apply the four steps.But because im so stressed right now the spikes are taking longer to get over.

so im in a very bad place right now and feel like i have noone,which feels awful.I never intended to get into an arguement with anyone on here,but was just saying how i felt about gats article,but im not going to comment furthur on what i think about it,(although in my personal opinion, i dont feel it was accurate scientifically or by a credible source id like us to agree to disagree).Anyway i wont mention it again.Thats where im at now,to be honest if it wasnt for my daughter i dont know if id have the strength anymore to fight this ocd and this trauma.i feel like this is eating me alive..

Edited June 2, 2009 by Guest

[Guest legend]

Hi cat, and welcome back, :original:

sorry to hear your struggling, and hope things improve for you, and hope that the nurse gives a full

apology.

My wife has a tilted womb, and i think cervixes can be that way to.

take care

legend

[Guest cat1]

thanks legend,im sorry to hear about your wife,i hope it doesnt cause her any problems.I hope i get an apology also.It means a lot to have ur reply and support,thanks.

[Northern Star]

Hi cat,

That sounds awful what happened to you . If you don't want to meet the nurse again yourself is there anyone you would trust to go on your behalf so that you get the answers without actually having to be there?

[Guest legend]

thanks legend,im sorry to hear about your wife,i hope it doesnt cause her any problems.I hope i get an apology also.It means a lot to have ur reply and support,thanks.

no, it didnt give her to many problems, except she did have abrasions on there, and thankfully we were

able to have two wonderful kids...

legend

p.s. i deleted my original post, cos i thought you wanted an apology from me hahaha....stupid me, anyway,

if i did cause you offense in the past, it wasnt my intention, but if i did, then i apologise from the bottom of me heart...

and hope that we can all work together, to help each other, and make life and the ocd a lot more easier to deal

with xx

Edited June 2, 2009 by Guest

[Guest Balloon]

Hello Cat1 - glad to see you back

Very sorry to hear that things are not that good at the moment.

As always, we are here to help you with your OCD

I think as far as the meeting goes, I would separate it in to 2 parts.

1. An apology from the nurse and an opportunity for you to express how you felt and for her

to explain her side and listen to her response and attempt to ease the situation

2. To find out what, if any, medical problems there may be.

I think that there would be other ways of finding out the latter without having to discuss it in a meeting - for example an appointment with your doctor to discuss the findings - if that is part of the problem.

I echo Legend when I say that I did not intend to upset you with any of my previous posts, however, if I did, then I apologise and lots of chocolate flying through cyber space to you.

Well done though for acknowledging that things are difficult for you at the moment.

We all want to see you get better, and help if we can.

Take care and keep in touch.

Bally :balloon:

[Guest cat1]

ooooh chocolate,thanks! thanks legend,northern star and bally for ur responses.

Northern star,no i dont have anyone who could go with me,i think if i do go,i need to do this myself and face her out.legend,im a bit confused,what did u put in ur earlier post? as i wasnt sure what you said....?Bally,thanks for ur advice.I firmly intend to explain to the nurse how i felt,although im worried about getting upset and not getting out what i want to say.I also have questions for her about what happened,ie what she did.I think i'll write what i want to say down before i go so i dont forget anything.i think ive decided that i will go,as if i dont i will not get any response from the nurse.Yes,i think the medical side doesnt have to be discussed there.

Hello Cat1 - glad to see you back

Very sorry to hear that things are not that good at the moment.

As always, we are here to help you with your OCD

I think as far as the meeting goes, I would separate it in to 2 parts.

1. An apology from the nurse and an opportunity for you to express how you felt and for her

to explain her side and listen to her response and attempt to ease the situation

2. To find out what, if any, medical problems there may be.

I think that there would be other ways of finding out the latter without having to discuss it in a meeting - for example an appointment with your doctor to discuss the findings - if that is part of the problem.

I echo Legend when I say that I did not intend to upset you with any of my previous posts, however, if I did, then I apologise and lots of chocolate flying through cyber space to you.

Well done though for acknowledging that things are difficult for you at the moment.

We all want to see you get better, and help if we can.

Take care and keep in touch.

Bally :balloon:

[Guest legend]

its in my p.s on the above post...x same post, just re clarified x

[Guest cat1]

err ok thanks..i thought u meant u put something else in ur earlier post re my ocd etc.do u have any comments to make about what i put about groinal responses?

its in my p.s on the above post...x same post, just re clarified x

[Guest Balloon]

Hi Cat,

Awww, hope you feel better soon :hugs:

I think it's a good idea to have bits written down to jog your memory, give you a guide and some reassurance that you can cover the major bits (I think it's OK here lol ) or even give to them - that's what I did when I was terrified about some meetings to do with my work.

Don't worry if you miss out some detail - that is usual, I think, and, as long as you discuss the main points, that's the important bit.

I'm sure it will be easier than what you are anticipating.

If you are worried about missing bits, perhaps you could ask for a follow-up phone call or meeting if it's not going to be too stressful. You may not want that though and would rather have it all over and done with - that's up to you.

There is always the PALS service if you feel that you would like an advocate with you for a bit of support.

Hope it all goes well.

Hope you can manage to get some rest and not worry too much about the meeting (easier said than done I know!). What can you do to relax and enjoy yourself - that important 'me time' to recharge those batteries?

Love Bally :balloon:

[Guest legend]

err ok thanks..i thought u meant u put something else in ur earlier post re my ocd etc.do u have any comments to make about what i put about groinal responses?

yep......

the important part, is that you know why it happens , and with that knowledge in place, you will now be able to

stick 2 fingers up to the ocd. x :original: .............

[Guest cat1]

yeah,it happens because of the ocd,right.but why can it feel like a slightly erotic/electric like feeling? is it because its happening in that area? (although in my case its only gone as low as my bladder area,not genital area).i have been thrown into confusion by my ocd about how it happens and cant get out of it...

thanks bally,i will let u know how it goes,once ive arranged it and been.i also was upset with my friend earlier,as i emailed him for some support,and he seems to think im worrying about the same thing over and over again and should only worry about it once.i think he means my ocd.but hes assumed thats what i emailed him about earlier,but it wasnt.so i sent a bit of an upset reply...honestly dont know WHAT he meant...

yep......

the important part, is that you know why it happens , and with that knowledge in place, you will now be able to

stick 2 fingers up to the ocd. x :original: .............

Edited June 2, 2009 by Guest

[Guest legend]

yeah,it happens because of the ocd,right...................yep, :original:

the rest you have wrote, is ocd talking, not cat, so therefore, it would be wrong to answer that qusetion,

would you agree ?

and would you agree also, that by divulging, your giving the ocd the food it loves, doubt, rumination.

Of course, its a choice that a sufferer has to take, agree that what ive wrote is true, or , do you continue to play games

with the ocd.

legend

Edited June 2, 2009 by Guest

[Guest cat1]

oops

yeah,it happens because of the ocd,right...................yep, :original:

the rest you have wrote, is ocd talking, not cat, so therefore, it would be wrong to answer that qusetion,

would you agree ?

legend

Edited June 2, 2009 by Guest

[Guest legend]

na, you know why it happens, and its your choice, play the ocd way, or refuse to engage with the ocd

and in my opinion, your still looking for certainty, and your wheels of ocd are keeping you trapped.

[Guest legend]

yes what you explained is right.

move on,

[Guest cat1]

ok,thanks

Edited June 2, 2009 by Guest

[Guest cat1]

legend,i did really well dealing with my ocd on holiday,but since ive come back,i had an urge to rewind my dvd to see why this guy was having a wardbrobe malfunction,and felt horrible while doing it,as i knew it was because his bits were hanging out.But i know i dont want to see his bits,if that makes sense.But i dont get why i gave in to the urge to look and felt like i had decided to look.Im thinking the thought that i decided to look was another intrusive thought after the first one.I think these compulsions are quite disturbing to me,ie anxiety and thoughts saying i want to look at men etc,then feeling like i do and doing it,and then feeling this weird relief afterwards are really checking yes? ie checking as i know i wont like it or feel anything.does that make sense to anyone? although my ocd will try and convince me its because i want to see the men,i know i dont.Its so horrible how ocd can make u feel like u want to do something,even though it doesnt feel like when i normally want to do something.And how it can make u analyse which bits of a situation are ocd and which are u,ie fooling me into thinking i had made the decision to look when really it was a compulsion.help!!!!

[njb]

Hi Cat,

I struggle on a daily basis to get my head around the anxiety/sexual arousal thing. I am trying to let the thoughts pass and take the anxiety which as I only really started this today, is hard and have failed this morning as I spiked after seeing a young kid with adult like legs on the way to work. Trust me, I totally believe its me that likes it and panic/shudder/feel sick at the time and after - unless I ruminate endlessly till I feel just right. This does not work long term. We have to accept that we have bias attention towards noticing our obsession, we catastrophise every time we spike, we are mostly black and white thinkers and most importantly we take thoughts that everyone has and due to our nature to be over responsible react to the thoughts and thoughts about the thoughts irrationally - in short we are trying too hard not to have the thoughts. For me, I dont really feel like my thoughts are random so much as I am continually thinking about it...non stop. My psychiatrist says that because I am always looking for a chance to test myself this is my compulsion and I need to re-focus, not look away but try to take in the whole picture and let the thought and anxiety pass. Tried it today but flipped out ! Must try harder. I would appreciate some encouragement from anyone reading !!! I have to get better because everytime i look into my kids eyes i melt with pride then die with shame. xxx

[Guest autumn girl]

Hey Cat

Sometimes I find it helpful to think "what would someone who doesn't suffer from OCD do here" and with regard to the incident at the Dr's surgery, I know if someone had felt that they had been treated badly and with no respect, they would certainly confront the issue and expect at least an apology. It sounded awful and I feel for you, sometimes medical staff can be very thoughtless and treat you like a number, I understand that.

Can I just ask you Cat, if I had concerns that I was attracted to women, felt a groinal response to them even though I didnt want to and it caused me untold distress, even though I am straight and in love with my partner, what would you suggest that I do to assist myself and stop myself being so distressed? ??

Autumn xx

[Guest autumn girl]

Trust me, I totally believe its me that likes it and panic/shudder/feel sick at the time and after - unless I ruminate endlessly till I feel just right.

Oh yes, I totally understand this one njb, but this comment here suggests that this is classic OCD.

The anxiety and focus on the groin area makes it feel like arousal. It's the old adage if you are told not to think of a white elephant that's all you can think of.

I still get the feelings by the way, I don't think they ever go away entirely and Imean this for everyone. But I know what it is now and I don't do the endless ruminating, this is the part of the cycle to break I think.

Because I recognise it for what it is (OCD, nothing more than that) relabel it and move on, the circle ends, but it takes a while and it takes practice

xxx

[njb]

Thanks Autumn Girl,

Its like my head is going you do like it you do like it you really do and it feels like when i like an adults legs. All the time im thinking no i dont, but its futile, as if i am kidding myself and would be easier just to say 'yes i do', but then something holds me back and i know i dont like kids, but at the time i just focus on the legs and the moment...i know what you mean about just accepting the thought and moving on. The less ruminating i do the quicker i realise after that i dont like kids. Trouble is when you are confronted with it you cant hep but kick in the short term fix...I couldnt help but cry today at the exhaustion, the sporadic nature of the ocd. I keep thinking, if i hadnt walked this way or turned here I would be ok as i would not have seen this etc. I know that the probability is i would have seen something else anyway. It is just so hard to accept that i am going to have to walk away thinking i liked a child and not think about it....ARGHHHH !!!!! ;-) x (that's me trying to be happy!)

Edited June 3, 2009 by Guest

[njb]

Hi Autumn Girl,

I also thought I would add something which i hope may help you. I had my first REAL bout of OCD about 6 years ago, just a different subject and this fear of being a paedophile has blossomed so to speak over the last 6 months. Since my teens I have always reacted strongly to such thoughts but they came and went so infrequently that they never bothered me, well worried me but I ruminated and they went. Very very infrequently, a year or two may pass and nothing, then once a year or something. What I am trying to say is that I agree they probably will never go away, as I think a) once you have an obsession you cant forget it b) you are always going to face triggers as life goes on. The key, as you have highlighted is, labelling it a normal thought and move on. I'm not there yet but I beat this once before (sort of ?!!) and will this time.

As you can appreciate, I just feel so ashamed and guilty and sick every time it happens. It very easy to want to curl up and retreat...xxxxxxx

[Guest cat1]

c

Hi Cat,

I struggle on a daily basis to get my head around the anxiety/sexual arousal thing. I am trying to let the thoughts pass and take the anxiety which as I only really started this today, is hard and have failed this morning as I spiked after seeing a young kid with adult like legs on the way to work. Trust me, I totally believe its me that likes it and panic/shudder/feel sick at the time and after - unless I ruminate endlessly till I feel just right. This does not work long term. We have to accept that we have bias attention towards noticing our obsession, we catastrophise every time we spike, we are mostly black and white thinkers and most importantly we take thoughts that everyone has and due to our nature to be over responsible react to the thoughts and thoughts about the thoughts irrationally - in short we are trying too hard not to have the thoughts. For me, I dont really feel like my thoughts are random so much as I am continually thinking about it...non stop. My psychiatrist says that because I am always looking for a chance to test myself this is my compulsion and I need to re-focus, not look away but try to take in the whole picture and let the thought and anxiety pass. Tried it today but flipped out ! Must try harder. I would appreciate some encouragement from anyone reading !!! I have to get better because everytime i look into my kids eyes i melt with pride then die with shame. xxx

Edited June 3, 2009 by Guest

[Guest cat1]

hi autumn,thanks for ur responses,i find it hard to think how a person without ocd might react,but i have tried that on occassion and it has helped me.I feel it helps me to be around other people,as it makes me realise how irrational my ocd really is.The feelings will go away autumn,both the groinal responses and the feeling sick feelings.Im proof of that,i got over my ocd once,and had no symptoms,and am getting back that way slowly again now.Its great that u dont do endless ruminating anymore,i dont so much either now.It is very tiring ruminating!your absolutely right,it does take practise and time to get over this thing,but we will all get there!

Oh yes, I totally understand this one njb, but this comment here suggests that this is classic OCD.

The anxiety and focus on the groin area makes it feel like arousal. It's the old adage if you are told not to think of a white elephant that's all you can think of.

I still get the feelings by the way, I don't think they ever go away entirely and Imean this for everyone. But I know what it is now and I don't do the endless ruminating, this is the part of the cycle to break I think.

Because I recognise it for what it is (OCD, nothing more than that) relabel it and move on, the circle ends, but it takes a while and it takes practice

xxx