where im at now...

[Guest legend]

thats the catashrophising side, and the self self doubting cat, looking at the negatives, rather than the positives,

youre not a bad person, fact.

[Guest cat1]

yeah,then why do i **** friendships up then? and why are my friendships always so complicated? i just feel like this damaged,ill,poor,state of a person most of the time.yes,i am a very negative person sometimes legend,im working on that with my support worker from rosa.Shes helped me a lot.I also get fed up as ive had soooo much **** in my life and some people seemed to have a charmed life in comparison! i know everyone has problems,but soooo much has gone wrong in my life,far more than whats gone right.So whenever i have anything new go wrong in my life,i add it to my mental list of ***and disasters which proves my theory that things always go wrong for me.The only thing which hasnt gone wrong is my daughter,who despite having me as a mother,is the loveliest most kindest most beautiful child i know.Even though my dad told me the other day i dont deserve her! just one of the 'nice' things my dad says to me weekly..im now breaking down in tears here as i dont feel i deserve her either,as i dont always feel like a good enough mother for her.i do so many things wrong and im selfish sometimes,although not as much as i was,but i love her to death and would do anything for her.And yet despite my failings she still loves me unconditionally,and i cant understand why...

im fed up with my mum and dad criticising me all the time and my mum trying to manipulate me,and feeling like they hate everything i do,if its not what they would want me to do,i feel like i have to explain to them why i want to do what i want to do,and still feel they have some power over me emotionally,which i hate so much! although i do do what i want to do,it comes at a price..once my mum tried to interfere in my relationship with my now ex gf,and nearly broke us up.i just never feel good enough for anything,or at anything.

Edited June 15, 2009 by Guest
Offensive language

[Guest legend]

awww cat, life can be very harsh mate, many of us can relate, and lots of us have been through very stressful times x x

and youre a great mum, thats the important part.

take care hun , life will improve, have faith in you x

Edited June 15, 2009 by Guest

[Guest cat1]

can anyone please help here? ive just spiked seeing this picture of a guy,i didnt even think was attractive! i felt compelled to stare at him and my whole body was anxious and tense,and then i felt this creeping 'almost nice' feeling like i was going to start enjoying it,even though i know its the ocd etc.Its like that feeling u get when ur about to laugh and feel it build up inside.It felt so horrible though,as there was NOTHING funny about the anxiety or what i was looking at.Ive looked at the picture since with no anxiety.Ive had this horrible slighlt good feeling before with the ocd.My ocd then says its going to turn into arousal but it never does and didnt today.Does anyone else get this? i got an email back from my male friend today confirming that our friendship was over,(although he didnt use those words).He said he cant give me what i appear to want from him and that he cant keep our relationship in balance.What the hell does that mean?!! He knows all i wanted off him was the normal support of a friend,no special neediness.I know that i have not asked for more support than anyone else would.He seems to be saying that its my fault,although he has acknowledged that he is also busier.im so stressed right now about this spike.I think it must be due to the stress.i hate the ocd so much and i hate my now EX friend for ending our friendship and doing it by EMAIL,what a ******* COWARD.After over four years of friendship he didnt have the decency to phone me or something! ive had it with men on friendship levels,(no offense to the kind men here though!).But in real life,they can go **** themselves as far as im concerned!Im still freaking out about these unwanted slighlty 'good' feelings that my ocd says is going to turn into something more.help needed desperately! i know i shouldnt be asking but heres all ive got right now,so go easy on me please!!!

[Guest cat1]

how can anxiety create good feelings,is it the adrenaline? i KNOW this time it wasnt to do with the picture,i could have been looking at anything! i also did concentrate on my body which i know i shouldnt have! so shoot me! im going through **** with this and my ex friend right now.The practise manager i left two messages for last week hasnt got back to me either,so im still stressed about the impending meeting.help!!!!! please tell me the feelings are ocd as i think they are! theyve left me feeling horrible and disgusted! i woke up this morning with my ocd telling me that i feel like a different person,ie not gay.

[Ashley]

Im still freaking out about these unwanted slighlty 'good' feelings that my ocd says is going to turn into something more.help needed desperately! i know i shouldnt be asking but heres all ive got right now,so go easy on me please!!!

Hi Cat,

I know you're struggling so much at the moment, but we really can't help you any more with this, because we have given you all the information we can and ultimately it is now down to you to take on board what has been said before. I am not having a go at you, but you have posted this thread best part of a 100 times since you joined us and the more we reply, the more you seem to post. You don't think you're asking for reassurance, but this is.

I know we have said we will help you get treatment and we will, I am working with two volunteers to define our advocacy support, but again this will be ultimately down to you to chase, we can only advise you who to chase and how to chase. I will ensure one of the team is in touch with you this week. In the mean time may I suggest something proactive, and if you write a friendly letter to your GP asking him/her to chase your CBT up for you, and to request a date when treatment can be expected. That is a good place to start.

Ashley.

[Mel1971]

.The practise manager i left two messages for last week hasnt got back to me either,so im still stressed about the impending meeting.help!!!!!

hi cat

The practice manager may be away, there should be a deputy manager or someone in charge, or alternatively you could write to them /email the surgery and ask for a response within a set time frame.

Most practice managers would want to settle disputes quickly, and I do think you should push forward with this, I know its going to be a nightmare for you, but you have a grievance and it should be aired.

otherwise you could contact your local PALS office and ask them for advice, or the local Primary Care Trust in your area.

take care x

[Guest cat1]

thanks mel,i appreciate ur advice.I was told she was away last week,but back this week on monday.Yet tomorrow is wednesday so ill see what happens...I will push for it.Im having real problems at the moment though,as i had a big row with my mum today,about her intereferance in every aspect of my life.I really hate her! She keeps questioning me all the time,saying she cant see why i would want to do the writing course ive wanted to do for ages,as it wont help my career.Shes had no ambition all her life so she cant see why others have! ive told her its my passion,writing.She doesnt think i'll benefit,and i said that i will,as i'll learn and make my writing to publishable standards,which i cant do on my own.It also helps my ocd,a lot! She seems to think i dont know what i want and said im obsessive about things (ie me wanting to secure my place on the course as i had a cutoff date).Yes i have ocd,although she doesnt know that.But shes saying that as an excuse for her manipulative behaviour.Ive been trying to start my own businness,and despite me handling it all,she has to keep saying,have u done this or that yet,or when are u going to do it,and putting pressure on me.Ive said i'll do it when I want to,not when she wants me to.She says she trying to motivate me,but ive told her before that if i want her opinions i'll ask for it.Shes not trying to motivate me,shes trying to manipulate me into doing things at her pace,not mine,but making it seem like shes encouraging me.I know her better,as ive lived with her for so many years (not anymore thank god!).Thats how she works.As for her saying i dont know what i want,I told her that its HER who keeps making me doubt myself,when ive decided what i want to do.Eg,i decided a month ago to do this course,but kept doubting myself as she kept saying 'are u sure',and using every trick in the book,such as being concerned about me using my daughters money,when its a loan anyway,and shes come up with so many arguements to persuade me not to do it.But its got nothing to do with her,as its not her money and wont affect her in anyway.FFS,im an adult! but shes never realised that!

God she ****** me off!! seriously! She said today that i get a bee in my bonnet about things.I said no,I just want to do the course! She tried to make out that there was something wrong with me,to cover up her appalling behaviour! does anyone know anyone like that? Shes covertly very manipulative and always has been.She even made me doubt myself so much,i felt like i had to convince her why i wanted to do the course when its my money,not hers! she makes me sick! what do u do with a person like that? if she wasnt my mother i would have ditched her a long time ago! Why cant she see that its her that causes my neurosis half the time,not me! what should i do? I can understand why ive turned out like i am.Im a lot better than i used to be regarding doubting myself because of her,but she still gets to me.Any advice on how to get out of this one? Ive heard you can divorce your family...mmmIm fed up with being controlled by her emotionally,but i just dont know how to get out of it.I do do what i want to do,but always have to explain myself and what im doing to her.My dad just criticises me.Im so glad she doesnt know about my ocd! and she never will either!

You know what? i just ******* give up on people like my mum! im fed up with explaining myself,i wont do it anymore! she does it to my daughter now too! Im fed up with feeling bad because shes made me doubt myself! im not having it anymore! i dont know how to get there though..!

One way she gets to me,is asking me 'why' when i say i did something,or went somewhere,and i dont know how to not answer that question...any ideas?

Edited June 16, 2009 by Guest

[Guest cat1]

im so annoyed,i was spiking again tonight,and it really felt like i was about to get turned on,it felt so threatening.Why does my ocd keep upping its game? is it because im relebelling etc well at the moment? i just feel like this is getting more real.i feel awful! i feel like im starting to doubt that this is all ocd again,and i thought id got past that! i am going to chase up my cbt with my dr this week though.i mean,how does ocd and anxiety make u feel like ur starting to get some very mild excitment like feelings,very mild though,(although iits not as bad as that and isnt the right word),which is horrible?it doesnt feel anything like my normal excitement though.

Edited June 16, 2009 by Guest

[Guest cat1]

even if my ocd makes me feel a slight excitement feeling with only a little anxiety? thats ocd too? this ones floored me!!!

You still need to work on this Cat and accept that no matter what the response is, it's still OCD You are falling into the trap of saying "if a, b or c doesn't happen then that means I didn't fancy him". That's not a good tactic to adopt with OCD. Try thinking about the phrase I have typed in bold next time. Then, no matter what feelings or thoughts OCD might throw at you, you are prepared :original:

Lawrie

xx

[Caramoole]

Why cant she see that its her that causes my neurosis half the time,not me! what should i do? I can understand why ive turned out like i am

So you blame your Mum for why you've turned out the way you are, it's her fault? What about who made her into the person she is, that makes her behave this way? And who made her parents the way they were? It could go on forever.

If we apportion blame for our parents behaviour, we have to forgive them for what influences affected their character.

The only person we can change in the equation is ourselves.

She may well feel her concerns for you are reasonable and just want what's best for you....after all, the number of people who do make a success out of writing are actually very few. Then again, you may be one of the few. Which is why, as an adult, you have to make your own choices, take your own risks. That way you take personal responsibility for your own decisions.

[Guest cat1]

yes,partly i do blame how she is towards me,rather than her,if u see what i mean.How she is with me creates my neurosis half the time but she just cant see that.Yes,she did have a very strict upbringing,and has admitted that she as a result didnt let me do anything.I dont blame her for her upbringing,and its influence on how she viewed bringing me up.But what i do blame her for is how she treated me as a result.No matter how someone is brought up,we have a CHOICE whether to treat your child and your mother treated you.I do blame her for her verbal abusiveness and manipulativeness as i happen to know for a fact that she is fully aware of what she is doing.So i cant justify her behaviour.As,despite my mum bringing me up to feel bad about myself,I have left the pattern behind and dont treat my daughter that way.I do not make her feel bad about herself,and i dont constantly criticise her as my mum does to me.Her past upbringing does not 'make' her behave any way.Shes an adult who decides how she behaves.Otherwise you could say that anyone who was abused as a child will abuse their children.It doesnt work like that! Im sorry caramole,but with respect for ur opinion, you dont know my mother, and u dont know what shes like and what ive had to put up with for 20 odd years.I do feel sorry for my mum that she had that upbringing,but that doesnt excuse her behaviour towards me,im sorry but nothing does.I have spent all my adult life changing my responses to her behaviour in lots of ways,and have changed how ive related to her and believe me ive tried everything to stop her behaviour and tell her how it effects me.But nothing has made any difference.Im some ways im resigned to the fact that she will never change,as she doesnt see her behaviour sometimes the way i do (although shes admitted it on occassions shes buried her head in the sand mostly!).After telling her how much her behaviour upsets me,she has always tried to put the blame back onto me,and try to make me feel as though im the one with the problem.But ive since learnt that thats not the case at all.After reading a good book called 'toxic parents',everyone one of my mums manipulations was stated in there! it was written about her! I know i wont change her,but how can i ever feel happy about the way she treats me? i cant accept that her verbal abuse (which she uses on me quite often) is acceptable to me,as it isnt.

Her concerns may be about whats best for me,but she has used that 'line' about everything ive ever wanted to do with my life,that didnt fit in with what she wanted for me.It doesnt wash with me anymore im afraid.Yes it is hard to make it as a writer,but why should i not try just because someone else tells me not to do it? Lots of people dont even try to achieve their dreams and dont make something of themselves.I dont want to be one of those people.If i try and fail then at least ive tried.Although i dont believe in failure as whatever happens from doing the course,i will learn lots of stuff i can use in many areas of my life.To me the only failure is not trying.I am taking my own risks and making my own choices,but with this constant battle with my mum.Do u really think that its fair on me to have to deal with that everyday,when im also trying to overcome an anxiety disorder? I know life isnt fair and i dont expect it to be,but i cant forgive her behaviour and how it constantly affects my life,and my daughters.does anyone else have any advice on this?

So you blame your Mum for why you've turned out the way you are, it's her fault? What about who made her into the person she is, that makes her behave this way? And who made her parents the way they were? It could go on forever.

If we apportion blame for our parents behaviour, we have to forgive them for what influences affected their character.

The only person we can change in the equation is ourselves.

She may well feel her concerns for you are reasonable and just want what's best for you....after all, the number of people who do make a success out of writing are actually very few. Then again, you may be one of the few. Which is why, as an adult, you have to make your own choices, take your own risks. That way you take personal responsibility for your own decisions.

Edited June 17, 2009 by Guest

[Guest cat1]

thanks lawrie,i really appreciate that! i know ur right,but sometimes its so hard to put it into practise,particularly when ocd has 'upped its game'.I cant seem to stop myself getting surprised when it hits me again,i know i should anticipate it,but when i havent had any ocd symptoms for a while,i fool myself into thinking it wont come back (and hope!).But it often does.do u think it would be better if i could think that it might come back?

Read it again Cat - no matter what the response is! Stop analysing your reaction else you will remain completely stuck!

[Guest cat1]

just this morning i woke up at 5.15 and had what she said to me inside my head.Ie when she said 'i dont think u know what u want',i then started ruminating on whether what she said might be true,as it made me doubt myself even though when she said it to me i didnt think it was.It the latched onto my ocd obsession also and i started to think 'during my ocd spikes did i ever feel that i wanted a man',and rubbish like that.The ocd then said 'i dont know sexually what id like if i was with a woman,ie gf'.And i started to get anxious about that.You see,at the moment,im very fragile emotionally after losing my friend yesterday,and her opinion triggered my obsessive doubts.I didnt choose to obsess over it,i just woke up with masses of thoughts in my head,trying to make me analyse all aspects of my life and asking myself 'do i know what i want to do with my life',etc over and over again.I dont know if that helps explain how what she says can throw me into self doubt.She also said in the same conversation 'youre obsessive about things',all because i wanted to pay for my course by the due date! so basically she said two completely different things about me,neither of which ive decided now are true.She was grasping at straws as she knew that what i said about how she is was true i think.As i told her,not in a rude way,but directly,about her behaviour towards me.And she admitted some of it!! so i know its not just my interpretation of things (although that should be enough for me).But still she does it again and again! The ocd has taught me one good thing,to learn to trust my own innate judgement,rather than the ocd.But all the progress im making most of the time,is constantly being undermined,as i dont have my parents support behind me,and their behaviour is dragging me back into self doubt.Thats a very bad thing.

Im trying to make the best of my life,and push myself to make my own choices and take risks to create a good life for myself and my daughter,but im constantly having my status as an adult undermined from a mother who treats me as though i was still a child!

[Guest Lizbeth]

Hi Cat,

I do very much understand the problem of a parent whose influence on your life is often unhelpful or, at its extreme, destructive. Personally, I don't find the word 'blame' that helpful...I try to think about 'reasons.' So if I get disproportionately upset by a small argument with a friend I think, ''Well, that's probably because I saw a lot of horrible fights as a little girl and I'm now overreacting. I need to look at ways to change that reaction.'' That way you are acknowledging why you feel this way and then moving it round to yourself.

I think 'reasons' is a much better way of looking at things. You can also apply it to your parent. Ie, 'the reason he turned out this way is because of x.' This is not blame but nor is it an excuse. You don't have to think it's perfectly acceptable that people act destructively towards their own children because it's not but apportioning blame is a dead end street.

Ultimately, you have three options as I see it. You understand and accept the behaviour as both understandable and reasonable and learn to tolerate and appreciate her concerns. Or you see them as essentially unreasonable and unacceptable (whilst still understanding them) and therefore work on modifying your own response so that it does not frustrate or upset you. Or you learn to limit contact. In my own situation I went for options two and three...but I couldn't say which is best without knowing your mum.

Whatever you decide though it's important to remember that the only person you can change in any meaningful way will be you.

xx

[Caramoole]

Ultimately, you have three options as I see it. You understand and accept the behaviour as both understandable and reasonable and learn to tolerate and appreciate her concerns. Or you see them as essentially unreasonable and unacceptable (whilst still understanding them) and therefore work on modifying your own response so that it does not frustrate or upset you. Or you learn to limit contact. In my own situation I went for options two and three...but I couldn't say which is best without knowing your mum.

Whatever you decide though it's important to remember that the only person you can change in any meaningful way will be you.

All good points and rather what I meant. If your Mum's behaviour is so undermining, you have to change your situation to deal with it. As Lizbeth says, it's difficult whilst not knowing your Mum.

You do seem to easily jump to the conclusion that others are having a go at you, not just raising an alternative viewpoint. Perhaps you just wanted a rant or people to agree how justified you are.

I once listened to a very interesting audio-programme which mentioned that we can march through life carrying all our baggage, our past traumas or we can choose to put the banner down and control our own future. A bit simplified but a good point that all of us could work towards.

You can't change your parents but you can change your own response and what you're prepared to tolerate or not.

Caramoole

[Guest cat1]

thanks to all threeof you.Caramoole,i didnt think you were having a go at me,but i thought u were saying that i cant blame my mum for acting badly towards me because of her past.Thats what i disagree with.As i said before,she cant help but be influenced by her past,but she does choose her behaviour now towards me.And she chooses to treat me badly,so ill stick with the word blame for now,even if it is unhelpful,as it helps me to express my years of built up feelings towards her which i could never express.(not directly but venting them here!).Thanks lizbeth,i do understand totally what u mean.I guess i call things what they are and how i feel,and at the moment i want the direct word blame,as to me it says that she is responsible for her action.To me the word reasons seems more like i would be acknowledging that she didnt really mean it,or wasnt totally responsible,which doesnt fit how i feel at the moment.Maybe ill find that a better word when ive got through my anger?I am not saying that she didnt turn out the way she is because of her past,ur right,she did.But her behaviour is a seperate issue,and cannot be blamed on her past.Her behaviour is her choice and she knows how manipulative she is and that i know,yet she still does it! whatever influence her past had on her,she has the choice now not to act badly towards me because of that influence,yet she doesnt! I dont believe that the past has that much influence over how she is that she cant help herself,ie that she is unable to control how she is towards me.Thats simply not true in her case.I would choose option two you have suggested,ie that her behaviour is unreasonable.The only problem is,it does get to me,how she is,i cant seem to get past that.Although it doesnt upset me as much as it used to.I wish it didnt upset me at all,but it does hurt.I have also done as u did,and limited contact,which has helped.The thing is though,i have been changing my response to her,and to other things,but because she keeps making me feel bad about myself,all the self development work in doing to build up my self esteem keeps getting ruined by her behaviour.how do i stop that happening?

ps,ur assumption that i thought u were having a go at me,was not the case.I didnt say to u i thought that in my reply to u.But i did say 'you dont know my mum'.that wasnt meant in a having a go way,i was trying to say that its more complicated than maybe you realise.Im afraid your perception of me is wrong caramoole.When u gave me ur view,it came across as though u were saying that my mum was in some way not responsible for her behaviour because of her past.Please bear in mind that i said in my post that i was upset by her behaviour.So yes,i was looking for some acknowledgement of my hurt from others.I was seeking support on that issue,and validation of my hurt,as this is a place for support,yes?But i wasnt only wanting people to agree with me.And to be honest,after the fact that in the past on her others have had a go at me,can u blame me for thinking that that might happen again? I think the problem is,a lot of my replies to peoples opinions get seen as being rude or that i dont like what someone has said.When from my point of view,im being direct.Ive noticed that others here are often direct too...I will say when i dont agree with what someones said,not to rubbish their opinion but i think thats a part of healthy debate here.Its not a person attack on the person,jts a difference of opinions.id like nothing more than to let go of my baggage,as u say,but its easier said than done..

Hi Cat,

I do very much understand the problem of a parent whose influence on your life is often unhelpful or, at its extreme, destructive. Personally, I don't find the word 'blame' that helpful...I try to think about 'reasons.' So if I get disproportionately upset by a small argument with a friend I think, ''Well, that's probably because I saw a lot of horrible fights as a little girl and I'm now overreacting. I need to look at ways to change that reaction.'' That way you are acknowledging why you feel this way and then moving it round to yourself.

I think 'reasons' is a much better way of looking at things. You can also apply it to your parent. Ie, 'the reason he turned out this way is because of x.' This is not blame but nor is it an excuse. You don't have to think it's perfectly acceptable that people act destructively towards their own children because it's not but apportioning blame is a dead end street.

Ultimately, you have three options as I see it. You understand and accept the behaviour as both understandable and reasonable and learn to tolerate and appreciate her concerns. Or you see them as essentially unreasonable and unacceptable (whilst still understanding them) and therefore work on modifying your own response so that it does not frustrate or upset you. Or you learn to limit contact. In my own situation I went for options two and three...but I couldn't say which is best without knowing your mum.

Whatever you decide though it's important to remember that the only person you can change in any meaningful way will be you.

xx

Edited June 17, 2009 by Guest

[Guest cat1]

thanks for ur advice lawrie,i will certainly try out what youve said.I dont believe that i will always have these thoughts,so dont worry about me thinking like that! i guess what i meant,was that inbetween ocd symptoms coming back,ie days or weeks when im symptom free,i guess i should be aware that it might come back,rather than thinking thats it,its gone.Although as soon as ive noticed ive had no ocd,back it comes! so i think i put the idea in my head!

I think there is a vast difference between thinking "I will always have these thoughts" to "I am aware that having OCD means I need to be aware of when a thought and it's resulting reaction is being driven by OCD". I don't think it's negative thinking to have this awareness, I think it's staying one step ahead of our condition.

I think Caramoole raised a key point when she said:

Trying to change a persons behaviour or actions will simply lead to frustrations and tensions on your part. Simple fact, you can't change who your Mum is. The only thing you can change is how you react to your Mum. Only you can look at the choices which surround this and decide which course would be the most positive.

What a horrendous book title! Yes, there are people who should never have been graced with children. However, the majority of parents are simply trying to do their best out of love for their children. Perhaps that doesn't always come across in a positive manner but their desired outcome is to steer their child away from risk and harm.

Lawrie :original:

[Caramoole]

As I say, you have the choice to change your response....but it's your choice.

If your Mum has the choice to choose how she behaves, the same applies to you and how you accept that behaviour or your contact with her

[Guest PatsyG]

How our parents are towards us does have an impact on us but like others have said, all you can do really is accept thats the way it is and learn to deal with it. Me and my husband both have awful parents so it gets very frustrating especially as our kids are missing out on having nice grandparents. It does get me down a lot and not sure what I can do to not get down over it but me and my husband mainly respond in the way that we try and make it better for OUR kids, to not treat them like we were treated. Ive heard about 'toxic parents' before, might be a good read.

[Guest cat1]

hi,i dont think its the same though,as she can choose to behave how she wants to,but sometimes i get upset.I dont choose to get upset,it just happens.I think that getting upset is different from behaviour.But i agree that i have the choice on whether to accept her behaviour.But even if i dont accept it,i have little choice but to put up with it,as i want her in my life.Ive tried before and told her how i feel about it,but u can take a horse to water...

As I say, you have the choice to change your response....but it's your choice.

If your Mum has the choice to choose how she behaves, the same applies to you and how you accept that behaviour or your contact with her

[Guest cat1]

hi patsy,im sorry to hear youve had similar troubles.Its hard as u cant choose ur parents can u! so do u limit contact with them? Have u tried telling them how u feel? (urs and his parents i mean).It sounds like ur great parents who are trying ur best and want the best for ur kids.It also sounds like u have a lot of awareness of how ur parents behaved and not wanting to inflict that on ur kids.Its understandble that it would upset you.I have tried to not care about what my mum says,but deep down it does get to me.Ive also noticed how people often play a 'role' within families and even when they grow up,the parents complain if they no longer fulfull that role.The book 'toxic parents' is by susan forward,phd.It has stuff on both physically and emotionallt destructive and abusive parents.I found it really helped me,as it has tips on how to deal with them.Sadly i tried them all but it didnt help.But it might help you.I never called my mums verbal abuse abuse before,but i do now,as thats what it is.I also have another book called 'an adult childs guide to 'whats normal',by john friel,phD and linda friel.M.A.Its a practical guide to a healthy life following a disfunctional childhood.It teaches u social skills and how to respond to the challenges in life.It has a good chapter on perfectionism,dependency and how to be independent etc.I think even if u dont feel ur childhood was dysfunctional,there is some very useful stuff in there.

How our parents are towards us does have an impact on us but like others have said, all you can do really is accept thats the way it is and learn to deal with it. Me and my husband both have awful parents so it gets very frustrating especially as our kids are missing out on having nice grandparents. It does get me down a lot and not sure what I can do to not get down over it but me and my husband mainly respond in the way that we try and make it better for OUR kids, to not treat them like we were treated. Ive heard about 'toxic parents' before, might be a good read.

[Guest PatsyG]

Thanks for that Cat, I will look into those books! Stuff about my parents and my childhood is pretty much constantly on my mind, some times Im more aware of it than others.

My mums an alcoholic so life had never been easy with her, I speak to her maybe once a week but my tone of voice completly changes and I dont tell her much about my life, she tends to turn it all round onto herself anyway and how hard SHE has it etc etc When my marriage fell apart I didnt phone her as I was kinda waiting to see whether she would, it took her 4 weeks.

My dad has never bothered with me much, left my mum when I was 12 and decided to cut me out of his life too. Got back in touch when his new girlfriend died, said he was gonna kill himself, went and saw him and he had gun on the table and date marked in calendar when he was gonna do it..comes in and out of my life..last time he phoned was when me and hubby split up cos my aunty told him but then he never phoned again, I could be on the street with 2 kids, hes obvioulsy not bothered.

I could go on for hours. It makes you feel very worthless when even your own parents dont bother with you. Shame hubbys family is equally as rubbish.

Sorry to go on, hope youre ok.

[Guest cat1]

aww,im so sorry.Please dont apologise,youve put up with a lot it seems,you must be a very strong person.My mum does exactly what youre mum does,says how hard it is for her etc.Im so sorry about her and what your dad wanting to do,that must have been such a shock for you,I cant imagine what that was like.Yeah,im doing ok tonight.Been to work at oxfam today and got given a certifcate for 2 years service,which made me feel good.Had a good time at belly dance class tonight also,except that my joints seized up half way through and i could hardly move! talking of which,my finger joints are seizing up now so id better stop typing...take care,and u can chat to me anytime if youd like to.x

Thanks for that Cat, I will look into those books! Stuff about my parents and my childhood is pretty much constantly on my mind, some times Im more aware of it than others.

My mums an alcoholic so life had never been easy with her, I speak to her maybe once a week but my tone of voice completly changes and I dont tell her much about my life, she tends to turn it all round onto herself anyway and how hard SHE has it etc etc When my marriage fell apart I didnt phone her as I was kinda waiting to see whether she would, it took her 4 weeks.

My dad has never bothered with me much, left my mum when I was 12 and decided to cut me out of his life too. Got back in touch when his new girlfriend died, said he was gonna kill himself, went and saw him and he had gun on the table and date marked in calendar when he was gonna do it..comes in and out of my life..last time he phoned was when me and hubby split up cos my aunty told him but then he never phoned again, I could be on the street with 2 kids, hes obvioulsy not bothered.

I could go on for hours. It makes you feel very worthless when even your own parents dont bother with you. Shame hubbys family is equally as rubbish.

Sorry to go on, hope youre ok.

[Guest cat1]

im a bit worried as i dont know what to think...i was just watching a tv programme called 'embarassing bodies' and the women announced that they were going to talk about men.I got this anxiety,but while they were talking about mens bits i felt anxious but also like i liked it.I dont know if it was me or the ocd,but at the same time i knew it wasnt sexual enjoyment (i know i dont need to say that but just trying to explain what i felt,or didnt feel).I wasnt too anxious about it and thats why it then made me anxious,as i wasnt so anxious about it! But then i also got intrusive thoughts and urges to want to watch this guy who was going to show his testicles,but again i ignored it and relabelled it as ocd.I carried on watching it,and felt worried about why i had these slighly enjoyment feelings etc,and felt awful.I also then got the usual 'ur going to ger aroused' thought which felt really threatening,but didnt happen.But i dont know what to make of it all now.I think i did well at the start as i was just enjoying,although thats the wrong word,but watching the programme out of curiousity etc.But ocd twisted my good feelings into something they werent.I also got anxious because the thoughts didnt scare me as much,as i then worried that meant i was ok with them and liked them,although i dont.in a way i think that i was watching the programme as anyone else without ocd would,up intil the intrusive thoughts and anxiety got quite bad.why is it when i watch the programme i think 'i want to see that guy etc',that disturbs me.I dont mean sexual interest,but its like i want to see all the horrible things people have on their bodies on there..! My ocd is now making me analyse the feelings i had to make them into something theyre not,and im trying not to engage with it,but i do have some anxiety there.Im just confused as to which bits,ie feelings etc were the ocd in this whole experience of watching this thing on tv.what does anyone else think?i cant understand why i would get any enjoyment out of watching stuff and hearing them talk about mens things as im not into them.Can someone without my kind of ocd obsession tell me what a person like themselves would feel about watching stuff like that? i need an objective perspective here on this...

i dont feel like im spiking here,but i am analysing although im trying not to...so i have been distracting myself to see if it helps.i guess im just not sure which bits of it,apart from some of the thoughts were ocd and which might have been me,or if all of it was,if that makes sense.

Edited June 17, 2009 by Guest