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Hi Cat,

I don't get sexual arousal either, just anxiety making me think that it is sexual. I would not be worried if it was just anxiety so there lies the problem. I am not attracted to kids but at the same time my anxiety is making me think i do. However armed i am with this knowledge it does not help me when i experience the panic and conviction i feel that i do like a kids legs or something. I know i dont like kids, but keep thinking i do.

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Cat,

The thoughts ARE normal and part of human nature, you are never going to change that, its the irrational reaction someone with ocd will have to the thoughts. Furthermore, and i think is the most contributory factor is the thoughts about the thoughts which cause the obsession to fester and grow/mutate etc. I know damn well when i see a kids legs or bum I am in the zone - i dont need an irrational or random thought, i am there testing myself, undergoing the compulsion to get a negative reaction and therefore reassuring myself i am not a paedophile. I set myself up to fail as I always get the same reaction - false feelings of arousal. I dont need a random thought. I think that one random thought would come and go for someone without ocd, for someone with ocd it can blossom into the obsession and then you're off...this is my second topic or obsession and although i get the odd bolt from the blue random thought, I am usually responsible as i engage it on a compulsion level daily. I am going to beat it, probably continue with the compulsion to test myself but ride out the anxiety and no more RUMINATING !!! x

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Guest cat1

id rather keep the discussion in my thread to my initial post please.

Cat,

The thoughts ARE normal and part of human nature, you are never going to change that, its the irrational reaction someone with ocd will have to the thoughts. Furthermore, and i think is the most contributory factor is the thoughts about the thoughts which cause the obsession to fester and grow/mutate etc. I know damn well when i see a kids legs or bum I am in the zone - i dont need an irrational or random thought, i am there testing myself, undergoing the compulsion to get a negative reaction and therefore reassuring myself i am not a paedophile. I set myself up to fail as I always get the same reaction - false feelings of arousal. I dont need a random thought. I think that one random thought would come and go for someone without ocd, for someone with ocd it can blossom into the obsession and then you're off...this is my second topic or obsession and although i get the odd bolt from the blue random thought, I am usually responsible as i engage it on a compulsion level daily. I am going to beat it, probably continue with the compulsion to test myself but ride out the anxiety and no more RUMINATING !!! x

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Guest cat1

im so annoyed that my ocd has just flared up again just now.but basically i saw this woman and man in a magazine in a sexual position,and i saw the guys face first,then saw the woman then thought she was gorgeous,but when i focussed on my body i got this weird feeling,like anxiety moving downwards,which my ocd said was arousal that it said was going to happen,but didnt.The ocd made me feel like that was going to happen,although what i felt wasnt a sexual feeling.then i had intrusive thoughts saying it was the man which triggered the feeling,which it said was arousal.then i ruminated on what caused the feeling as i couldnt work it out.do i label this all ocd?

i have done so,but the anxiety wont go away and i feel almost sick.ive been really freaking out because i cant remember at what point i had this feeling.And about what my ocd is saying is was,even though i believe it was all anxiety.help! the stupid thing is,i know it wasnt a sexual feeling,and thats not self reassurance it just didnt feel that way,yet my ocd is trying to convince me it was,or that it would turn into one.it ties u in knots...!

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Cat - you know it is ocd, but you dont. I did the same stupid thing yesterday with a newspaper. I saw a picture of children in a fountain - could hardly make one of them out but flipped out again about liking the thought of a half naked kid. I also spiked this morning thinking i liked the legs of a small child. Its sick, not us the reaction. It is not you, remember its the ocd making you doubt soubt soubt and the moment you take the time to try to analyse it 'bang' its got you again...x

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Guest cat1

thanks njb,i really appreciate ur response.i think this one floored me as id done so well today then bamn! there is was again.im still feeling a bit tired and slightly ill after my holiday,which ive been stressed a bit about today.so maybe im run down and thats why the ocd struck.the ironic thing was,i turned to this article thinking it wouldnt strike,so maybe i put the idea into my head.god i hate this thing so much! it amazes me the arrat of physical symptoms we can get because of our anxiety and ocd!

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Guest autumn girl

Hey Cat

Just a thought following on from njb's other post today, but don't be so hard on yourself.

You seem to get very cross with yourself for having the thoughts and triggers, but you have OCD so they are going to happen, if you accept this is may not be such a constant battle you have with yourself? I don't know what colour eyes you have, but if you hated yourself for having them it would be a bit pointless wouldnt it, it's the same with your OCD.

Autumn xx

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Autumn Girl - good analogy.

Cat - I spend ages thinking 'if only i hadnt walked down that road' or 'why did i turn the tv on and see that'. Chances are it will always get you. For me, as i said before i am always expecting it, im not surprised when it turns up because right now i never stop worrying about it - i dont allow myself time off, so the thoughts for me dont seem random. I know some are, like the newspaper, but i am primed with tv and walking past a school. There is no way i can say oh where did that come from as i am like a bloody hawk testing myself. Dont be so hard on yourself. I am on myself. You are showing tru ocd characteristics by trying to find certainty, self assurance and also catastrophising. I do all of these things even though I can tell you that you are doing them and can see it so clearly - yet I cant accept my own advice !!

xx

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You seem to get very cross with yourself for having the thoughts and triggers, but you have OCD so they are going to happen, if you accept this is may not be such a constant battle you have with yourself?

This is probably the most important area you have to work on. At the moment you still analyse every thought as it happens and as long as you do, it will continue to maintain its grip

Caramoole

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Guest cat1

hi autumn,ur absolutely right.i dont get cross with myself as much as i get cross with the ocd for causing me to react that way,as it feels like it is temporarily taking control of my body.Which sometimes brings back awful feelings from a past non ocd trauma,so i end up with them mixed together.im having some great support at the moment from a rape charity regarding my past trauma,but have only just restarted it again as ive been away.But i guess im finding that im not coping very well because of all the feelings triggered by what the nurse did to me at the start of this thread,then my ocd on top.Im also feeling very alone right now,as my friend is busy and may not be able to support me.Sometimes i just wonder what the point is,u know? i feel like im losing this battle and i dont know how much strength i have left.If it wasnt for here i dont know what id do..im still very anxious about phoning the practise manager at my drs to set up that meeting.i feel like i just want to run away and hide in a cupboard...i think the reason i get cross autumn,is that i didnt expect the trigger today as id been doing so well with it.As overall apart from the bad time with it i had before and during my holiday,before all that i was doing really well with hardly any spikes.I keep thinking that they wont come back,and although they have got less and less,they come back when im stressed,such as just lately.Im hoping they calm down again soon.im now almost afraid to be alone as i dont want the ruminations to start again,but thats hard as i live with just my daughter.i feel very down and upset right now,i wish i could pick up the phone and talk to someone.I do have a couple of other friends,but as they both work its hard to get to speak to them.i am starting some more mentoring with no panic tomorrow night with a new lady,who i spoke to before i went away.she sounded great and very knowledgeable.so that may hopefully help me.

does anyone ever feel that they have to make decisions about stuff,important ones and cant decide as just thinking about them makes u too stressed? i have to make two important decisions over the next week or so and i am so stressed trying to work out what to do.sometimes i wonder if i have autistic traits as since ive got back off holiday ive felt overwhelmed by the noise of shops and places,and the things i have to do.i feel like i just wanna scream! does anyone ever feel like that?

i do get angry with myself though,even though i know having ocd is not my fault,but i hate being held back or affected by anything.It makes me feel powerless which i cant stand.to me thats the worst feeling in the world,it literally feels like im dying when i feel like that..

caramoole,ur absolutely right,i am doing that,and i feel bad with myself for doing it.i know i shouldnt have posted about that trigger,but i was literally at the end of my tether,so scared and upset and down.i really did try to relabel it etc,but it wouldnt go away.ill try not to do it again.ive just been really thrown by these last few spikes,theyve really got to me.I did manage ok on holiday though and am pleased i got through them without reassurance,and by relabelling etc.im hoping i can get back on track soon,i really am trying.i cant remember the last time i felt so low.

Hey Cat

Just a thought following on from njb's other post today, but don't be so hard on yourself.

You seem to get very cross with yourself for having the thoughts and triggers, but you have OCD so they are going to happen, if you accept this is may not be such a constant battle you have with yourself? I don't know what colour eyes you have, but if you hated yourself for having them it would be a bit pointless wouldnt it, it's the same with your OCD.

Autumn xx

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Guest cat1

aww thanks mate! that means a lot to me.i feel like a hopeless neurotic nutcase right now! i also wish i could speak to my friend.he sent me a weird email yesterday saying how he worried at how much he thinks i need him for ocd or decision making.Even though i havent talked to him about my ocd in ages,and dont ask him about it as he doesnt understand it.He said 'I recognise the strife you go through and that is, in my case, endless worrying about the same thing when you only really need to worry about it once.'.That comment upset me as i dont think he really realises how ocd works and that i dont choose to worry or ruminate endlessly.Sometimes my brain does it automatically.It doesnt seem from his email that he understands why i emailed him saying i wanted to talk to him.I did mention i was having a bad time with my ocd,but he thinks thats why i want to speak to him.Im a bit worried as over the last year we've had less contact,partly because hes busier now with work,but i dont know if theres any other reason for that.Hes still friendly with me,but we used to speak a lot on the phone and now he hardly wants to speak,and mainly wants to talk by email.About a year ago we had some difficulties in our friendship and i had over 6 months with no contact with him (not by choice).Then i emailed him again just before last xmas and we started just emailing again,then occassionally spoke on the phone.But im worried he doesnt want to be friends anymore.Although his emails are very supportive.It seems like when i need his support,he will give it,but is more reluctant to phone me.I dont know if this means we're not friends anymore..what do people think? ive been ruminating a lot about this lately.I emailed him back yesterday saying i felt he wasnt there for me (because of what he said in his last email),and he hasnt replied.should i email him or not?

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Guest legend

its difficult, when people dont understand ocd, if we could snap out of it we would....

personally, id leave the ball in his court, and he will respond, in due course....

are you keeping yourself busy, cat, and going out etc /

legend

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Guest cat1

no not really.im very tired and have had a bit of am upset bowels since i came back from holiday.its feeling bad now because im stressed out.i have been to oxfam today to do my shift,but left half way through as i didnt feel good.ive felt ok this afternoon though physically.But im worried as im so stressed that the stress will make me ill.im going to tai chi class tomorrow which im looking forward too,as i really like my teacher...although im in danger of developing a bit of a crush on her,(if i havent already),as shes a lovely person.Its not a lust thing though,just a really liking thing on my part..she has a husband/boyf though and kids....dont they always! i think if i could find a job id be a lot better with the ocd,as i always am when im working,sadly nothing found there yet.god,isnt life a pile of ****...

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Guest cat1

im really upset i keep spiking.i just saw this man and woman kissing on tv,and for some reason focussed on the man enjoying kissing the women and felt this tension feeling in my stomach area.My ocd said i was going to get aroused,although nothing happened.then it said i liked the guy.i really dont though,i dont doubt that.then it said why would i enjoy seeing this guys face in enjoyment as he kissed the woman? and that next time i would get aroused.do i keep ignoring this stuff? legend,what do u think?anyone? i mean,i know it was ocd,but because people can find stuff like that titillating it makes me feel worse.

i think it was the ocd that made me focus on the man.the awful thing was,i wasnt very anxious,but i was very unconfortable and distubured by it.

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Guest cat1

my ocd keeps using the fact that other people would like it to try and make me doubt myself.i wondered if other peoples ocd worked that way?

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Guest cat1

ignoring it? i have to admit,im still analysing a lot of the feelings in my body,whatever they feel like,im like the emotion police.But sometimes im also afraid to relax in case my worst fears come true.Im also afraid of enjoying myself,that it might turn into something more,ie when finding a male comedian funny etc.But i cant live like this,any hints on how to get out of this? Its not like im always consiously checking,but that i seem to notice every feeling i have and have to know what it is or what im feeling it in response to.Do u get this gerard? ive noticed that when ive spiked over something,i often find myself telling another person about what i spiked over without saying i spiked,ie about the person or situation,and i think this has become a checking thing sometimes as i get relief from it as it makes me realise how silly and irrational it all was.does anyone else do that?

At the moment im wondering if theres any purpose to me doing anything or being here.(not on this site but generally).

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Guest cat1

please help! ive just had a really bad ocd trigger.I know it was ocd,but it was the most horrible one yet.I was at work and was introduced to this volunteer i hadnt met before,and i immediately got my social anxiety symptoms,blushing sweating,anxiety etc.And i couldnt stop myself focussing on my groin area,and noticed a tingling near there but not that low.The worst thing was,he kept talking to me and i found him quite intimidating,and wouldnt leave me alone.I didnt even like him that much!All the time i talked to him my ocd was saying 'youre going to get aroused' over and over,although it didnt happen.It scared me ********! I didnt have any worries over fancying him or anything as i know i didnt.But i now get thoughts saying that when men look at me a certain way it means he fancies me,and that makes me feel really unconfortable and unhappy.I see it as some sort of threat,as its the last thing id want.So i had to stand there for over ten minutes when all i wanted to do was run away.That was after going into the bank and the male assistant spoke to me,after id said how hot it was in there.He said 'i often have that effect on people',which triggered my ocd doubts and anxiety in the back of my mind,saying 'youre anxiety symptoms are really attraction'.I felt really awkward and thought it was horrible what he said,it made me feel disgusting.The problem is my old feelings i had after my trauma are now mixing in with my ocd and making me feel lots of things,such as anger,disgust,feeling dirty and social anxiety symptoms,along with the intrusive thoughts about men etc.I feel so low right now,i cant take anymore of this.I know i shouldnt post my ocd here but i had to get it out of my head somehow as i feel like im going slowly insane,or having a breakdown..can anyone give me any support or encouragement here,as ive reached my limit with this ******* illness! help! i feel like im spiking over EVERYTHING right now,its gone mad.I dont even feel like leaving the house,i dont want this ocd to change who i am,id rather die.

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Hi Cat,

I feel for you so much as I can see how tight the ocd has its grip on you right now. I have been there and still am, as you know it comes and goes. You are effected because you just want to be you. You are not alone. I got out of bed today, like most of us and resigned myself to the dread of what may come today, but you have to keep going. You sound at the point where you can't believe in change and trust me I know what you mean. I have two kids and there has been times when i was ready to walk. I couldn't live without them so the gravity of that decision you can imagine.

Try to remember we may only be posting on here as strnagers, but as you panic and stress etc I am somewhere thinking of you and everyone else who is trying to keep their s*it together. Keep seeking professional help and try, I know its hard, but try to think you can and will beat this. One thing that helps me is to try to imagine the ocd as a big tree trunk. Every time you engage it you go down one of the branches and we all know that at the end of each branch are smaller branches and off each one are twigs and more twigs and eventually buds. When I ruminate I know that i open up a path to loads of buds, but they all stem from one tree trunk. You dont need to address each trigger and each bud - they are all part of the same problem !!! Remember - we catastrophise and so for me at least, each trigger that i have ruminated about and beaten short term comes into question with each new trigger - its exponential !!!

Hang in there, you have so much to offer. x

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i feel like im going slowly insane,or having a breakdown..

I know it feels like this,you may bend but you won't break, these are just intense anxiety symptoms.

know i shouldnt post my ocd here but i had to get it out of my head somehow as

What you're doing when you post here is like a compulsion, just like someone who cleans something or checks something. You do it to bring down the anxiety.

In order to change how we feel, we first have to change the way we react or respond to these OCD thoughts. If we don't change our response, we simply maintain and strengthen the intensity of these horrid feelings. We have to resist the compulsions.

At the moment, whenever a fear strikes you're here and writing about it. I'm not sure if you appreciate the depth and detail with which you describe these experiences. Often it would suffice to say "I saw a couple kissing on TV and it set off my fears again".....we would know the problem without being given any further information......we know from all your past episodes.

You feel driven to go into minute detail, followed by the declaration that it's all OCD, you know it is.

What's happening is self-analysis and self-assurance. You are looking to describe the detail, look for proof or evidence that the feelings you have are not real, seek support from others etc.

I suspect you'll say you're not, which is where we've often come to an impasse in the past.

You must change how you respond Cat. Try and delay coming on the site to get this out of your head. Try and cut down on the detail, the need to describe every detail, it doesn't help you, it just strengthens your OCD.

What do you think you could do to stop taking these thoughts at face value?

Caramoole

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Guest cat1

hi caramoole, i agree with you.Except that the reason i said it was ocd,was because i wanted to make sure people here knew that i knew it was ocd,if u know what i mean.It wasnt self reassurance.I can see your point about the detail though,i just get scared that if i dont describe it in detail,then people wont understand what i mean,or that what im describing is ocd.(is this ocd thoughts too?) You see,another obsession i have is not being understood.So i guess by going into detail im trying to control peoples responses,not in a manipulative way,but because i fear if people misunderstand what ive said,they might put something which may trigger me further,and i just cant cope with that right now.I honestly dont know how to gauge if what im typing is too detailed or not.I do mostly not post until after ive done the relabelling etc and the anxiety has gone down.But when i post,i do tend to think that it helps me to see how irrational the thoughts are.I think legend said that was a good thing to do,write the thoughts down to see the illogic to them.But maybe then it turned into a compulsion for me.The feeling of me going mad isnt solely related to my ocd.Ive had it for three days now because of others issues im very stressed about.Its a general breaking down mentally that ive felt.Like i feel nothing,or that im in the pits of despair.But the ocd trigger have made it worse.I have been not reacting very well to my ocd over the last two days,as its got so real its scared me to death.Thats the only reason have posted,as i reached my limits with it.The thing is,posting here doesnt even bring down my anxiety now,its got that bad.I dont always realise how much detail im posting no.I guess i describe most things in more detail than most other people,in both ocd and non ocd situations.Ive realised lately that my attention to detail sometimes can be phenomenal,yet at others i dont notice anything! yes i could try posting less detail,i will try that.I dont honestly know what else to do right now,if i dont post it on here,as i would probably end up crying constantly and staring into space.I know it must be annoying for people on here to read my ruminations,but im coping the best way i can right now,although even thats not working.If i dont come on here what do i do? distraction doesnt work when im that anxious as i cant put my mind to anything,and neither does relabelling.i dont know how i could stop taking these thoughts at face value,i really dont.any suggestions very welcome as nothing seems to be working right now.

p.s,im already broken...

I know it feels like this,you may bend but you won't break, these are just intense anxiety symptoms.

What you're doing when you post here is like a compulsion, just like someone who cleans something or checks something. You do it to bring down the anxiety.

In order to change how we feel, we first have to change the way we react or respond to these OCD thoughts. If we don't change our response, we simply maintain and strengthen the intensity of these horrid feelings. We have to resist the compulsions.

At the moment, whenever a fear strikes you're here and writing about it. I'm not sure if you appreciate the depth and detail with which you describe these experiences. Often it would suffice to say "I saw a couple kissing on TV and it set off my fears again".....we would know the problem without being given any further information......we know from all your past episodes.

You feel driven to go into minute detail, followed by the declaration that it's all OCD, you know it is.

What's happening is self-analysis and self-assurance. You are looking to describe the detail, look for proof or evidence that the feelings you have are not real, seek support from others etc.

I suspect you'll say you're not, which is where we've often come to an impasse in the past.

You must change how you respond Cat. Try and delay coming on the site to get this out of your head. Try and cut down on the detail, the need to describe every detail, it doesn't help you, it just strengthens your OCD.

What do you think you could do to stop taking these thoughts at face value?

Caramoole

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Hi cat,

I'm sorry you're struggling so much :hug:

Please try to remember that the thoughts can't hurt you - they can cause anxiety and you to feel like **** etc but they can't actually harm you.

I was also wondering - do you think some further trauma counselling might help you? Hope you don't me suggesting that :hug:

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