How does OCD affect your dating love life?

[Ashley]

With Valentines day approaching, I thought this would be a good article for the next OCD-UK newsletter so I would be interested to hear from some of you on the following subjects:

:crybaby:

- Does OCD affect you dating?

- When did you tell your partner and what was his/her reaction?

- Do you feel that it would be easier to date someone else with OCD or another mental illness so that you dont have to keep explaining the OCD?

By posting on this thread you are giving me permission to use your comments in our newsletter with your username or real name if you prefer.

[Guest lilyelspeth]

I thought I had a rough time to begin with, reading recently of the statistics of OCD and relationships really did not help. I should have realised it before, but seeing it in several different books made it clear. And the more I thought about it, the more it made sense that we have a harder time staying in any sort of relationship.

For me, I have a hard enough time trusting people, so I really have to trust someone to tell them about the OCD. I find it hard because most people do not want to seem to understand. Sometimes I think it's because there seems to be enough they have to deal with. If only they could take the time... Especially cos we are all interesting and worthwhile people!

Not to get down on myself, but I am enough of a handful at times, I doubt there are guys out there who could deal with my OCD. I sometimes wish I could find a guy who also has it and we could be one big mess of dysfunction!

[Guest ScottOCDid]

I don't know coz I haven't got a dating/ love life......

...... which, I believe, may answer the question!!!!!!!!!

With me, I don't think it's OCD itself that's the problem, rather the way in which years of OCD has shaped my life. For example, I'm set in my ways, rather inflexible, obsessive about my exercise and I'm a bit of a control freak (self, not others). Furthermore, although I always have time for people, and consider myself to be friendly and approachable, I do very little in the way of socialising (not because of OCD fears - simply because it interferes with my tight schedule)! Anyway, I'm not really selling myself too well here, so I'm going to

Perhaps I'll post something a little more constructive if I have time later on!

Scott

[Guest ScottOCDid]

PS - do people still do that Valentine's thing every year?!

[Guest gemgem]

- Does OCD affect you dating?

i was already in a relationship when i was diagnosed, but i dont trust ppl i dont know and i can barely go out so if i didnt already have a partner, i wouldnt be able to find one

- When did you tell your partner and what was his/her reaction?

he was very supportive when i was finally diagnosed because he'd been noticing me doing wierd stuff for ages, like having two showers in a row or repeatedly cleaning my student house

- Do you feel that it would be easier to date someone else with OCD or another mental illness so that you dont have to keep explaining the OCD?

i think we'd drive each other insane! my boyfriend is also my carer if i was with someone as bad as me id never leave the flat

[Adamski]

Hi y'all,

For me i feel that ocd has truly stopped me from having the kind of loving relationship i think we all deserve. My last serious girlfriend was over four years ago. In retrospect i do not think that this was the one for me, so i guess it came as no surprise that when i moved in with her and realised this thart my condition got worse. It eventually led to me being placed on tranquilisers. Whilst they did help in the short term they did not resolve the fact i was in a realtionship i did not want to be in. The situation was also made worse by my partner being so frustrated with me that she ended up calling me crazy or a loony.

When this relationship ended i lost everything and more. To be truthful i dont think i have got everything back yet that i once had, and i can imagine she has rebuilt her life much quicker than i am doing mine. I think it goes without saying then that i do find relatuionships very hard to come by. Not only am i scared of instigating one, i do not want to be hurt again for fear of making my anxieties even worse. And i guess this is the tragedy of it all. I accept i am very, very lonely and am crying out somedays to be with someone. I do sometimes reason with myself that what i need to do is like my ocd to take a few risks and see what happens.

Chances are it would be a good experience for me. The brain likes being in love and your mood is therefore elevated. But the vicious circle that is ocd usually makes sure it doesnt happen. On top of that there is the immense pressure from friends who have settled down or like to play the field to find sosmeone before they start asking questions.

I dont know if a fellow ocder would make a good partner or not. Granted there is always someone on hand to talk to you when you are going through a rough patch, but at the same time what if you were both suffering at the same moment. I can imagine this being tough.

See ya

Adam

[Guest Staz]

It's all about conidence. When I first started taking SSRi's in May 2002 it was wonderful, I had struggled with depressions and what I have now identified as pure o ruminatioms for years and it was like having a massive weight lifted off my shoulders. I found girls started showing me interestt purely becuase they could sense my confidence which before taking medication I just didn't have. I met a girl, moved in with her but sure enough the OCD got in the way, I wasn't honest with her from the start and never told her I was on SSRi's to help me cope with my OCD so our relationship crumbed due to my sexual dysfunction and her thinking I didn't love her. I lived a lie by not telling her I had OCD from the start, I just wanted so so much to be normal but as all of us know with our condition this cannot always be the way, but this isn't us it's our OCD, nothing but false messages being sent out by our brain which we find so hard to ignore. Ok, side tracked a little but we finished and as this was my first attempt at a proper relationship I was gutted, I lost all hope in myself and just wrote my self off as non relationship material for months and months.

I think it's the once bitten twice shy theory, though it hurts not being loved you also know it hurt when it all goes wrong, finding an understanding partner is essential but how do you what the reaction will be when you tell them, we know were not crazy but we also know a lot about our illness. I've tried stopping medication a few times now on my pursut of normal but evertime I just revert back to the way I was before first taking SSRi's, not really wanting to go out with loads of boring, sensless ruminations flying through my head. I've had to accept that if OCD is a product of having low serotonin I just have to stay on SSRi's to maintain the balance in my head like a diabetic needs insulin. Again if the girl you feel is right is that shallow she can't reason with that anology she really really ain't the one.

Staz

[Guest Paula D]

Does OCD affect you dating?

I have a partner, but he doesn't understand how it feels to be gripped by OCd, he says he does, but i know he doesn't. I can see him looking at me when i am tidying up and he is waiting for us to be able to go out. I feel guilty, guilty heightens my anxiousness, anxiousness heightens my ocd, and we never get out the door at times.

- When did you tell your partner and what was his/her reaction?

My partner knew i had sommat wrong because of how frantic i became when he messed things up, unstraightened bottles etc etc

- Do you feel that it would be easier to date someone else with OCD or another mental illness so that you dont have to keep explaining the OCD?

Sometimes i just want my partner to step inside my shoes, just for a minute, to really feel how i feel. To appreciate how hard it is for me. I don't wish it on him. Yes i think sometimes i would feel more secure in a relationship with someone else who had OCd.

[catherine]

I feel OCD in its chronic form can have a serious negative on your self esteem. Personally, apart from one fairly disastrous boyfriend episode when I was around 20, I've never felt as though a guy would be in the slightest interested in me, and would think me a complete weirdo if they ever got to know me too well. I sort of reconcilled myself early on in life to being alone and figured that was the only way I'd ever be able to live my secret life with OCD. I'm 42 now and I do feel sad when I see friends and family with children and husbands/wives because if I'd been well, this is what I would have wanted for myself. But I'm not bitter, in fact I try and get involved in the lives of my little neices and nephews. But it can get lonely when everyones gone and you're left alone.

I think I'd die now if someone ever asked me out! It's not something I could ever contemplate due to the nature of my OCD and the habitual lifestyle I lead. Oh, I can still look at a handsome chap and think how gorgeous he looks, but I'd never want to get romantically involved with anyone. OCD has seen to that.

Maybe I harbour secret hopes of meeting a kind gentleman when I'm about 70 and we can can be 'companions' in the autumn of life.............you've got to have a dream!!

Catherine (abbreviated to C if printed please)

PS

- Do you feel that it would be easier to date someone else with OCD or another mental illness so that you dont have to keep explaining the OCD?

Definately, I don't think a non OCD person could ever really understand me and my many 'strange' ways

[Guest Dragonfruit]

I think in many ways I was quite lucky with when the OCD started to be a problem. My fiance and I were already living together and it would have been impossible for him not to have noticed that there was a problem - so telling him wasn't really an issue. We both knew something was wrong and although we tried to ignore it for some time, when I eventually realised what was going on I told him straight away about OCD and how it was affecting me.

Since that time he has been there for me - always. I don't tell him everything - lots of my intrusive thoughts I keep to myself - I know I could tell him everything if I wanted to - he wouldn't be shocked or afraid or revolted or anything - I just choose to keep some of the thoughts to myself.

He has been hugely supportive since I was officially diagnosed and started on the meds and has been really helpful in my fight against the rituals etc.

I can tell him anything and although I know he can't fully understand how I feel he accepts that I do feel that way and will do anything he can to help me cope.

Things are a LOT better now and we're both at a point where we can laugh together at some of the more bizarre behaviour I can display - but he has NEVER once laughed AT me or ridiculed me. Facing the OCD head on and being able to laugh with him about it all has helped me hugely. He's never pitied me or patronised me or anything like that and has really helped me regain (some of) my confidence.

I can't really comment on whether or not it would be "easier" for people with OCD to date others with OCD - it would entirely depend on the people involved.

I know that someone with OCD can have an incredible relationship with someone who doesn't have OCD. I honestly don't think the OCD should be an issue in a relationship - if you're with the right person you'll find a way to make it work.

Oooops - got all sappy there -

[Guest Dragonfruit]

PS - do people still do that Valentine's thing every year?! :lol:

27901[/snapback]

Yep!!

[Guest Steviemfc]

Yep!!

28028[/snapback]

:lol:

[Guest Dragonfruit]

Yep!! :lol:

28028[/snapback]

28029[/snapback]

Poor poor Mhairi - what she must put up with!!!

I bet you're one of those garage-flowers men, aren't you???!!!

:lol: :lol:

[Guest Steviemfc]

I will have you know that I am quite the romantic when I want to be. :hug:

[Guest Kitty]

- Does OCD affect you dating?

Yes, most definitely. I've always felt under confident and as though I was never worthy of anyone, always too shy, embarrased, inadequate in social situations. Feel that I'm unattractive and boring and that whoever I go out with is only with me 'until a better model comes along...' Not helped by a bad experience some years ago with a horrid boyfriend who cheated on me with my (ex) best friend

- Do you feel that it would be easier to date someone else with OCD or another mental illness so that you dont have to keep explaining the OCD?

A bit of a double edged sword this one. I think if two people truly love each other and want to be together then they will, regardless of what they both suffer - that's what the romantic, sentimental old soft heart in me says.. :hug: However, I can see the possible difficulties in having a relationship where both parties suffer from OCD. Adamski rightly pointed out in his post:

I dont know if a fellow ocder would make a good partner or not. Granted there is always someone on hand to talk to you when you are going through a rough patch, but at the same time what if you were both suffering at the same moment. I can imagine this being tough.

What if you were both suffering at the same time? Chances are this could lead to both parties withdrawing into their own seperate worlds, maybe too afraid to share their troubles/worries in case the other person gets more upset/or their own OCD worsens. But then again, if both people were clued up enough - it may be that they can pull each other out of the tough patch...but, like I said earlier on, if both parties truly love each other it may well be enough to see you through it...

*swoons off to read a Mills and Boon novel... :lol: *

Queenie

xx

[Guest Dragonfruit]

I will have you know that I am quite the romantic when I want to be.  :hug:

28033[/snapback]

OK - I stand corrected!!!! :lol:

[Guest ross78]

Hi,ocd totally destroyed my world as with my relationship,with my long time partner.I did feel bitter,but now i know that she has to live her life,as living with me and my ocd was to much.Dating doesnt exist as i rarely leave the house now,i have the fear of harming.

I have had plenty of girlfriends in the past and at 26 yearsold i am struggling to cope with depression and ocd never mind a wingeing girlfriend,hahaha :lol2:

cheers

[Guest ross78]

All in all love will conquer all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[dandielion]

When I told a boyfriend what I had he was fine about it but I don't think he understood it and when I decided to go into the psychiatric hospital he drove me there, gave me some books and I never saw him again!!! So, one time whilst on a weekend pass from the hospital I met a nice guy so based on what happened previously I decided not to tell him. I told him instead that I was a nurse and that's why he had to drop me off at the hospital all the time (as the nurses did have a campus on the hospital grounds). After a couple of months I wanted to end the relationship but I didn't want to be the one to do it so I thought if I tell him that I'm actually a patient with ocd then he'll run a mile and he'll finish with me to save me having to do it - but I was very, very wrong. On the contrary, he kissed me and said it was okay, so you never can tell with people.

I finished the relationship a few weeks later.

I've found that boyfriends are okay with it because they don't really get it and know what you go through. I;ve just told them that I like things to be clean and I wash myself alot and they dont' think anything of it - until I start ordering them into a bath for no sane reason :blushing: So when I met my current boyfriend I decided to get all the bad stuff out in a oner and do it all on the first night of us getting together (having been friends for a few months). There were alot of tears but he's still with me five years on although we do joke that if he'd known what he was letting himself in for he might have run away!!!! :lol2: But we'll never know.

I think it would be very difficult to date someone with another mental illness as I feel you need a partner who is "normal" so that they can help you put your illness into perspective and give you a reality check every so often. They also have the strength to help you as they don't have too many of their own problems to deal with and you don't have to worry about their mental health and can therefore focus on your own.

My friend has contamination and checking ocd and has just gotten into a new relationship and isn't gonig to tell the guy, she says she'll just tell him she's a bit fussy and she says she isn't that bad anymore, but I think that's because she's avoiding all the situations that trigger her off, but it's up to her. I think it just depends on the person.

[Guest irritated]

Love life&relationships what are they? I've been singl for over three years now and that relationship only lasted couple of months! I've struggled to make friends with females and males my own age. I just feel an outsider due to my obsession with my clothes and feeling comfortable. Since having a torrid time of tesing and bullying@school i've have very little trust in anyone my age. I feel my obsession has made me very selfish, as i've yet 2meet someone with the same problems as me. I therefore just end up boring them about my life and problems. Please help? I need some good advice! :hug:

[Guest sweetdisaster]

I find that because of the thoughts I have I often feel very bad about myself and so I tend to get involved with people very quickly and then realise after a few months it's not right. I've spoken to my last two boyfriends about how I feel and they've both been great but for some reason I always end up going for guys who have lots of "issues" themselves and I don't think it helps me at all.

I suppose a lot of it is to do with me being 19 and not wanting to be tied down rather than anything OCD-related, but I often feel like I'm incapable of having a normal relationship because I always get scared when it gets too comfortable and panic.

[Guest Jalvo]

- Does OCD affect you dating?

- Well, it didn't when I met my girlfriend. Don't think it would've done today either.

- When did you tell your partner and what was his/her reaction?

- Guess after about half a year/a year. She hadn't noticed. I was hiding it well. She accepted and understood it I guess.

- Do you feel that it would be easier to date someone else with OCD or another mental illness so that you dont have to keep explaining the OCD?

- No. That'd been a mess. Hehe. Don't have to explain the OCD btw.