:-(

[Northern Star]

:help: On Saturday night I did something really stupid and took a small overdose. I am so stupid, can't explain how much I hate myself. My parents found out today. They are really disappointed in me because I didn't tell them and because I broke the promises I made to them when I came out of hospital after the last time. The reasons for the OD were so stupid. One of them was because of my mum's drinking. When I told my dad that part of the reason I had done it was because of her drinking he said that I shouldn't blame her, that she drinks because she's stressed, that part of the reason she's stressed is because of me, that another reason she's stressed is because of her work (she works down south and so comes home weekends - long journey). He said I take advantage of her in that she does huge amounts of washing and ironing for me, but what he doesn't seem to realise is that a lot of that washing is because of OCD and it's not my fault, and that I actually do quite a bit of washing myself. I mean, tomorrow I'm on study leave and will be doing at least one washing-machine load, despite the fact she only left yesterday so I don't know if I'm being over-sensitive but given the fact he knows I have OCD I would have thought he could be a little more understanding. I daren't tell you why else I took the OD because you would all hate me.

My mum's also disappointed but she has been a lot more caring, although after I told her my dad's reaction had made things worse she spoke to him and he was a lot nicer :lol:.

I didn't want them to find out. I took the pills on Saturday night, phoned NHS direct yesterday afternoon, they wanted to send an ambulance or for me to go A&E but I refused so she got me to speak to the out of hours GP who asked questions and said that he got the impression I didn't want to talk about it, asked if I wanted help for this and I said no to both and told him I was seeing my psychologist in about 10 days anyway. I told the school nurse what I had done, she said that she had to tell the psych but she wasn't going to do anything else I don't think unless he said that she should. So she phoned him and he said that I had to go for liver function tests (took paracetamol which can damage the liver) and then she called my parents. Went to the GP on the way home, she has given me some form and told me to go to the hospital first thing in the morning for a blood test/liver function test.

All such a mess. ******* hate myself :hug:

[Guest Doubter]

Hi NS

Sorry to hear you've been having a bad time. Try not to hate yourself for taking the OD, just try to learn from it. As for the other reason you took the OD i doubt anyone here would judge you or hate you for it. What is important is that you are still with us. Just take every day as it comes and hang on in there.

I can't really think of anything else to say except I'm wishing u all the best and hope everything gets better for u soon.

Doubter

[Guest napo100383]

Hey Northern Star,

Sorry to see your feeling bad at the moment,I noticed from your posts that your mother drinking is a casue of great anxiety for you.Their is a group called al anon that is in most towns that you should def look inot joining i have cousins who go to it because of their mother.

Perhaps you should sit down and explain to your mother just how much her drinking is affecting you.Also perhaps if you could write them a note articulating your feelings.

I know in only 20 but when i was in school a few girls used to self harm and tried to OD both girls are now in college and one is studyin to be a doctor so even if things are bad now they really can get better.

[Guest ScottOCDid]

Hi NS,

Sorry that your post is a big :-( rather than a small :-)

Doubter's right:

i doubt anyone here would judge you or hate you for it. What is important is that you are still with us.

Please make sure you keep it that way.

Scott :hug:

[whitebeam]

Hi Star,

I wish I could think of one thing I could say to make things better for you.

I daren't tell you why else I took the OD because you would all hate me.

I can't think of anything you could have done which would make any of us hate you - it sounds as if your OCD and depression are making you hate yourself.

When I was really bad, I had something that I thought was so awful that I could never tell anyone. During my stay in hospital, I told my psychologist about it - and she didn't think it was terrible and after I'd told someone it became much less of a burden for me. Maybe it would be good if you could find someone to tell everything too - sometimes it really helps just to talk.

Do you think you could talk to your Mum? or maybe your sister? Or perhaps it would be better to talk to someone less involved with you - your therapist or your GP. To me it sounds as if you have a lot of stuff you need to get out in the open - even just telling one person may be a help for you.

I hope the tests are OK tomorrow; I will be thinking of you.

Take care

whitebeam

[Guest robert1]

northern just said i would post to say if you ever need someone to talk too i am here .

[Guest Lisa]

hi

not a lot to add other than i hope you are feeling a little better and that i am thinking of you. please don't hate yourself. keep trying, you will get through this.

lisa xx

[Guest patsy]

Hi Jo,

So sorry to see you've had such a bad time again recently. Sending you majorly big ((((hugs))))

I just wanted to say to you to hang in there and things will hopefully all work out for you soon. I know it's been hard for you but you do have a lot to look forward to.

I think most of what I was going to say has already been said. I don't think we could ever hate you either no matter what the other thing was. You look after yourself and please be careful. Remember we are all here for you whenever you need us.

Loadsa love,

Patsy xxxxx

[Caramoole]

Hi Jo

Sorry to hear you were feeling so low again. Please, please keep talking, things can and will improve you know.

The others have said everything really and we are all here to help whenever, and in whatever way we can, so try us.

There isn't anything that will make us hate you, whatever it is, we all have 'that stuff' in its different varieties, so we know what you're going through.

Please lean on any of us who can help....pm me or any of the others if you need to put this stuff in private. I know as a general rule it's better to keep things on the main board, as that way others benefit from the advice...but if you need to chat to any of us, shout...we're all willing you through this.

You take care x

[Guest Dragonfruit]

:help: On Saturday night I did something really stupid and took a small overdose.

So sorry you are feeling so low

I am so stupid, can't explain how much I hate myself.

You are most definitely not stupid and should not hate yourself.

What you did was not a good idea and it has obviously upset you - but it's just your way of saying you need help.

I daren't tell you why else I took the OD because you would all hate me.

Total rubbish - nothing you can have done/thought could make us hate you.

This sounds like something you should be discussing with someone.

My mum's also disappointed but she has been a lot more caring, although after I told her my dad's reaction had made things worse she spoke to him and he was a lot nicer .

Well that's a step in the right direction. If they are willing to talk and listen at the moment - it might be a very good opportunity for you to open up to them - you need some support and you shouldn't be afraid to ask for it.

Went to the GP on the way home, she has given me some form and told me to go to the hospital first thing in the morning for a blood test/liver function test.

Really hope this goes fine for you

All such a mess. ******* hate myself 

28070[/snapback]

Don't hate yourself, Jo. We all go through tough times and need to lean on others.

Please know that we all care about you and want to help you through this - if there's anything I can do (and I'm sure I speak on behalf of a LOT of people here) please let me know.

Sending you oodles of strength in the form of

You can get through this and you will - please accept help when and where it's given to you - I know it's hard to do sometimes but we all need a helping hand at times.

Take care of yourself

[Guest Iceblazingfire]

Oh Northern Star:( I feel for you so much. I just want to give you a big hug!

Please hang in there. I dont live too far from you and if you want a phone call or anything just let me know!!!

Thinking of you:) You are very brave.

Lots of love

Nic xx

[Guest WestDorsetBlue]

Hi, NS

I’m sorry to hear that you are feeling bad at the moment. But please don’t hate yourself as you are going through a stressful time with your studies and with your mum’s drinking. OCD feeds off stress to make you think horrible thoughts. So please stay strong and remember if you are feeling down, just come on the boards and just ask for support, as people here care about you.

NS, remember that you are very intelligent young woman who has so much to enjoy and to be, and to do.

Stay strong and take care

Beat Wishes

Michael

[Northern Star]

Aaww thank you everyone, you've all been so nice to me .

I went to the hospital yesterday morning and had my blood test; she said I should phone my GP at the end of the week to get the results. I have been feeling pretty bad at times - it's kind of ironic because I feel bad for what I did and so it makes me want to hurt myself more and it sort of goes into a vicious cycle. Last night I self-harmed . I didn't go as deep as I wanted to, because I physically couldn't manage it, which I suppose is a good thing but didn't really feel like it .

I have also been sleeping loads recently. Last night I went to bed about 10:30/11 and didn't get up until nearly 11 this am. I keep waking up in the night too - Mon night I woke up at 1:45, 4, 5, 6:30 etc etc . V annoying!

[Guest Smudger]

Hi NS

Sorry to hear things got so bad again-you'll make it through this though, and we'll all help you to do so.

You're a lovely person-it wouldn't be the same without you around here

Take care!

[Northern Star]

thanks Smudger

Can I ask people a bit of a weird question? I hate myself so much and would like to know if anyone else on here hates me too. I know it's a strange thing to ask but people on here have said that they wouldn't hate me and I find that very hard to understand. I find it difficult to understand that anyone could possibly like me.

[Guest patsy]

Hi there Jo,

I certainly don't hate you. In fact , I like you very much You are a lovely young lady. I have met you remember Please don't think no one could like you. You are always so thoughtful and considerate here and you go out of your way to help people. I mean, what's not to like about you?

Keep your chin up matey

Love, your Scottish buddy, Patsy xxxx

[Northern Star]

  I mean, what's not to like about you?

Well, I could list them but it was probably a rhetorical question or something.

[Guest Smudger]

You find it hard to understand because your depression and ocd has been repeatedly stamping on your self-worth for so long.

The rest of us just see a very lovely, friendly, helpful, caring and charming young woman.

So there

[Guest Dragonfruit]

I hate myself so much and would like to know if anyone else on here hates me too. I know it's a strange thing to ask but people on here have said that they wouldn't hate me and I find that very hard to understand. I find it difficult to understand that anyone could possibly like me.

28318[/snapback]

*adopts hugely sarcastic voice*

Well - obviously I hate you - I'm only being polite when I PM you and reply to your posts and stuff but really I think you're pretty horrid.

*reverts to normal voice*

Nobody hates you. How could they? You're our Star.

Personally, I think you are a lovely person and I've not even gotten to meet you yet. You are bright, intelligent, kind, fun and so caring. (If you read my other post you'll know how hard it is for me to say these things - so hopefully you'll realise that I wouldn't put myself through this without good cause)

I know what you mean about being worried that people don't like you - it's one of my worst traits - and it's sadly due simply to a lack of self-confidence.

Anyway - I think you're GREAT

[Guest piratecat]

You have done nothing horrible to any of us - why would we hate you!!!!!!

Now look at all the lovely replies you have - i think some one is very loved - BELIEVE IT. X

[whitebeam]

Hi Star

As everyone has asked,

"Why would we hate you?"

I'm sure nothing you could have done would make us do that. You're always kind and caring on the board and very thoughtful and generous with your posts.

When you hate yourself, you may believe that others would see you in the same light. To me it seems that depression has got you so down you're not able to see the truth about yourself and your actions.

Do try to find someone to talk to, soon if you can. I think that would really help you.

Take care

whitebeam

[Guest SallyB]

Ns,

I certainly don't hate you. You are a very thoughtful and kind person. Perhaps you hate your OCD - but we all do that!!

Please believe everyone when they say what a special person you are. In fact maybe you should print out all these messages and stick them up somewhere where you can see them when you feel this way - just to remind you that it is your OCD that is saying this to you and to read what high regard everyone really has for you.

Take care of yourself

Sallyx

[Guest Automated Alice]

No No NO!! No-body hates you

your one of the nicest people anyone could wish to meet!!!

AND your the most popular member of the board !

Your bright intellegent, caring ,honest, loyal and you have so much to offer the world with it all

Please dont hate yourself Jo

Alicexx

[catherine]

Hi NS

I desperately hope you can believe it when I say 'no' I don't hate you. Far from it, you are a deeply sensitive and caring young person who has tonnes to offer the world

Being ill doesn't make you any less a likeable person and if I can ask you to do one thing for me, it is not to beat yourself up like you do. As someone who has almost destroyed their life over the years, I really do understand how awful you feel about yourself because I've been there too. But please try and give yourself a break and think about all the positives about you. We can list them, but you have to believe them and that's the hard bit

Anyway, this is killing me to be complementary towards a manc (only joking :lol: )

Do take care NS and when you're feeling at your worst, just think about all of us on here who will NEVER stop caring about you.

Catherine.............and the special smillie just for you..........

[Guest ScottOCDid]

Hate you???????????????????????????????

:lol: :confused1: :confused1: :confused1: :confused1: :confused1: :confused1:

Errrmmm... NO!!!!!!

I think everyone has made it pretty clear that they certainly don't - in fact quite the opposite. What a bizarre perspective OCD can give us!

S

PS - I originally had more confused faces but the board wouldn't let me post them all!