OCD threatening sufferers parent's marriage

[Guest PeterSouthYorkshire]

Has anyone experience of OCD threatening a sufferers parent's marriage and/or advice to a parent whose marriage is being put under severe strain by OCD to the point of marriage break up?

Peter

[Guest Deb]

Hi Peter, I couldn't help but respond to your post. For what it's worth, my advice would be to remember that the bottom line is that you are in this together, as parents, as a couple and as a family. Of course you will all have different feelings and responses to the problems OCD can cause but standing firm together, talking with each other and being honest about your feelings are so important.

It's so easy to take things out on one another when we are stressed, tired, worried etc but please do communicate and most importantly remember to spend time with each other doing things that are not OCD related.

It can be a huge strain Peter, particularly for the parent who is a focus of some of the OCD behaviours as I was myself but the trick is not to let the problem consume the entire family.

Hope you get some great advice here, take care & hope things improve for you all soon.

Deb :original:

[Guest Preciosa Rosita]

Dear Peter,

YES..and how I sympathise with you.

My 30 year old son has come to live with me and my second husband, (of 7 years) and after 8 months our marriage is in trouble.

My son has never worked, although he has a degree, and we provide everything for him, including private therapy (we live abroad).

It is a constant struggle for me as his mother to balance his needs (wants?) with my husband whom I love dearly.

I wonder sometimes how much of his problems are OCD, and how many are used to manipulate us, me especailly.

It has taken me a long time to come to the conclusion that at 30 he needs to learn to stand on his own two feet, and that my prime responsibility is to my husband.

You dont say how old your sufferer is, but if he´s a child its going to be a lot tougher I think for you.

A mother´s love is very strong and protective, sometimes too much to the detriment of other family mambers.

I have had to ask myself the question "Do I love my husband?" The answer is yes, and we have both discussed the fact that we cannot allow this illness to destroy our marriage and happiness.

We are about to put in place a medium term plan to make my son accept responsibility for his own life, and hopefully to become independent within the next two years.

It is going to be a long and difficult road, but I think if you and your wife can sit sown and talk about what is really important to you both, your marriage, then I think you have a chance.

I am a Christian, and will pray for you and your family.

God Bless

[Guest PeterSouthYorkshire]

Thank you for your kind post Preciosa Rosita

Our son is 15 years old. His OCD has put further strain on our 15 year marriage. We are told that "you have to work at marriage" to have a happy family life and I fear we have have not had the chance to do this.

I love my wife dearly but she finds it very hard to love me.

We are a Christian family too - praise God. I believe in love as described in I Corinthians 13.

Peter

Dear Peter,

YES..and how I sympathise with you.

My 30 year old son has come to live with me and my second husband, (of 7 years) and after 8 months our marriage is in trouble.

My son has never worked, although he has a degree, and we provide everything for him, including private therapy (we live abroad).

It is a constant struggle for me as his mother to balance his needs (wants?) with my husband whom I love dearly.

I wonder sometimes how much of his problems are OCD, and how many are used to manipulate us, me especailly.

It has taken me a long time to come to the conclusion that at 30 he needs to learn to stand on his own two feet, and that my prime responsibility is to my husband.

You dont say how old your sufferer is, but if he´s a child its going to be a lot tougher I think for you.

A mother´s love is very strong and protective, sometimes too much to the detriment of other family mambers.

I have had to ask myself the question "Do I love my husband?" The answer is yes, and we have both discussed the fact that we cannot allow this illness to destroy our marriage and happiness.

We are about to put in place a medium term plan to make my son accept responsibility for his own life, and hopefully to become independent within the next two years.

It is going to be a long and difficult road, but I think if you and your wife can sit sown and talk about what is really important to you both, your marriage, then I think you have a chance.

I am a Christian, and will pray for you and your family.

God Bless

[carolj]

Unfortunately Peter Im already divorced from my son's father, not because of OCD, but I can tell you it causes a strain in all relationships within our family. I do feel that only I and his sister go anywhere near understanding him and as for everyone else they make out they do, but have absolutely no idea!

I realise it must be especially difficult for you as your son believes you contaminate him and his surroundings and I do feel that your wife should be sensitive to the fact that the OCD physically affects your relationship with him. My son who is now 24 said to me that other day that he didnt feel he was able to show us any affection in his teens because his OCD told him something bad would happen to us if he did...I felt so sad for him.

It is very difficult to both find a path to deal with this together, as Im sure you both have ideas about what is best. As you say your wife is content to wait for CBT, whereas you arent. Have you printed off the NICE guidelines on the main website and shown them to the nurse. These state that CBT is the best treatment for OCD with or without medication. Definitely the sooner is starts the better and its not right that the nurse should consider there is no urgency.

Can I ask does this affect your son's life at school and do they know about the OCD there?

Carol

[Guest mumofboys]

Hi Peter,

Hope you and your's are coping, when our son's OCD was at it's worse my husband and I did find it very hard for all sorts of reasons, we were exhausted with all the running round taking part in our sons rituals, my husband was made redundant from work and I worried continually about our older lad. I think it's quite common for situations like that to put a strain on any relationship, we found that we drank more than we would normaly have done...not to excess it just helped at the time. The most helpful thing we found was getting out together usually just for a walk for half an hour, unfortunatley that didn't happen very often, we had to arrange for another family member to be here with our son as just before he was diagnosed he was self harming so we didn't feel we could leave him alone and didn't feel it fair to expect our 14yr old to keep an eye on him. However when we did get out...it made a difference, when he was admitted to hospital the house seemed empty without him and I missed him a lot.....it was worth it as during his time in hospital, he had ERP & CBT it seemed such a big change when he was able to come home for visits.

I hope your lad gets the treatment he needs and things work out for you and your wife it's easy for me to say it now but if you can try to make time for yourselves.

Best wishes to you all

[Guest PeterSouthYorkshire]

Thank you Mumofboys.

I find walking helps too.

Peter

Hi Peter,

Hope you and your's are coping, when our son's OCD was at it's worse my husband and I did find it very hard for all sorts of reasons, we were exhausted with all the running round taking part in our sons rituals, my husband was made redundant from work and I worried continually about our older lad. I think it's quite common for situations like that to put a strain on any relationship, we found that we drank more than we would normaly have done...not to excess it just helped at the time. The most helpful thing we found was getting out together usually just for a walk for half an hour, unfortunatley that didn't happen very often, we had to arrange for another family member to be here with our son as just before he was diagnosed he was self harming so we didn't feel we could leave him alone and didn't feel it fair to expect our 14yr old to keep an eye on him. However when we did get out...it made a difference, when he was admitted to hospital the house seemed empty without him and I missed him a lot.....it was worth it as during his time in hospital, he had ERP & CBT it seemed such a big change when he was able to come home for visits.

I hope your lad gets the treatment he needs and things work out for you and your wife it's easy for me to say it now but if you can try to make time for yourselves.

Best wishes to you all