What will I become?

[Guest wendy_04]

Hello,

I am now 27 and have never worked, I did my a-levels but everything dried up after that. I went to uni for two days! Had a job as a receptionist and left half-way through my first day and apart from waitressing in during my student days that's all I have amounted to. So my CV is bare. I read people's posts on here and think "Wow, my OCD isn't as bad as some people's, I'm quite lucky" but still I have hang-ups that other OCDers might not have that I find completely debilitating. Over the past 3-4 years I've worked really hard to combat certain aspects of my OCD and every now and then get to the stage where I think "I'd like to have a normal life, go out to work, have friends" etc. I can't ever see that happening though. I think of the different jobs I could do and then always find something OCD that would bother me and prevent me from doing this job. For example, I'm ok with people unless they look a bit scruffy, possible drug addicts, smelly etc and then my mind goes in to over-drive. I also have this big thing about toilets which to a certain degree I can handle now. I can use a public toilet when it's necessary but to have to do this every day if I went out to work - I don't know that I could. The major thing about this are (hope I don't gross anyone out) is periods, I can't get my head around having to use a public toilet while I have my period. I haven't done this since I was at college 8 years ago and the idea totally freaks me out. So thinking about all of this I sit and wonder "what will become of me". Is this my life now, is this what I will amount to? I mean if it is what's the point, people are dying from terminal illnesses who would love to have my life and would definitely make a lot more use of it than I am. Sorry for the rant, I'm just having a down day.

[Adamski]

Hi Wendy,

I'm pretty sure you are not the only person on this board that has asked the question "is this my life" or something similar. I've done it when i have been in a low mood or when things have not gone well for me. And when you ask this question it is pretty natural too to look around and see how other people are getting on. But in an indirect way i think this is the ocd talking to you. As you probably know this problem has a knack of making you feel very down from time to time, and i think that is what is happening here. It's almost as if the ocd has got another channel to express itself.

Also from reading your mail it occurs to me that maybe you are not getting much help/support for your ocd. At least not at the moment. Do you think that this might be an option open to you? Naturally coming to the board is a positive but what about away from it?

The one quote that comes to mind is from the Brainlock book. I cant remember it word for word but it basically suggests that if you give this problem too much time it will 'put you to bed if it wants to.' Scratch that and simply say it will put your life on hold. What would you really like to do with your life? What is there out there that could be a motivation for you beating this ocd. I am a mature student studying for a degree. It has not made my ocd disappear but when i can i can channel it quite effectively into my course so that it does not bother me as much. What about you? What could you do? What interests do you have?

I'm sorry to ask so many questions but i do so because i know how it feels to be like this and i like to think that by perhaps sparking your imagination maybe i could help out in some little way.

Take care and pop by for a chat soon

Adam

[Guest Memeplex]

Hi Wendy,

Sorry to hear you're having a down day. It sounds like you've made progress with the OCD if you can do some things you couldn't before. There's no reason you can't carry on making progress. As has been said, if you're not getting help for the condition perhaps that's something to consider. It might also be a psychological way of making a new start. It also sounds like you'd like to change some things in your life and challenge yourself, which is a positive thing you should take advantage of.

What about trying to find a job that's part time, or where you can work flexible hours? Or even work from home? This might be less daunting than going into full time employment.

[catherine]

people are dying from terminal illnesses who would love to have my life and would definitely make a lot more use of it than I am

Hi Wendy

Please try not to be so harsh on yourself I don't know of anyone who would love the life of an OCD'er so don't underestimate the seriousness of your own illness. I've noticed many folk with OCD tend to be very hard on themselves and feel guilty about feeling so ill. Let's face it if you had an obvious physical ailment then it would be visible for the world to see and you'd allow yourself to feel poorly. And yet conditions of the mind can be the most debilitating and disabling of all. To the outside world I appear quite normal and no one knows the agonies I go through to do the kind of things you describe. I feel a fraud when I have to tell people I don't work because I'm not well. I expect they think I'm a right sciver and scrounger . And yet, like you I too found it impossible to manage in my job due to OCD. But just because I don't go around with a big bandage around my head doesn't make me any less ill than someone with a chronic physical ailment.

No suffering is nice but just because your's is not obviously visible, don't think it's any less serious

Catherine