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My thoughts on OCD


Guest lilyelspeth

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Guest lilyelspeth

You have these intrusive thoughts and you know that they are wrong. You know that they are disturbing and recognize that but cannot stop them. It’s like, if you recognize them, why shouldn’t they go away? Why can’t you stop them?

It’s maddening because you can’t do anything to stop these thoughts from coming into your mind. You think that you really are mad, because what “normal” person has thoughts like this? But then you see that it is really the OCD, not you. You are not thinking these things. Yet, what if a little part of those thoughts are rooted in you? Isn’t that kind of like saying: You are a part of these thoughts in some way?

And then you start to perform the rituals in response to feeling so horrible about these thoughts that you seemingly have no control over. And you sometimes realize that you are performing them and sometimes you don’t. They of course do not stop, either. But sometimes you can stop them if you try hard enough. But trying gets old with no results to show. If you don’t get satisfaction from performing the ritual or analyzing the obsessions to an endless degree in your mind, you have a panic attack. The most frustrating feeling overcomes you and your skin just comes unglued. You feel horrid and like you want to die, yet in some small way, it never gets that far. Thank god for the intense fear of death you have.

But sometimes, there are only obsessions. These are sometimes the worse than obsessions and compulsions combined as there is no satisfaction. Your brain just mills them over and over and over again. You analyze them until they become both nothing and a new problem all at once. No wonder they call it the doubting disease. It is impossible to make a decision and there is an endless series of contradictions to deal with.

Then there is the questioning. I question everything. I always tried to play it off as my curious intellectualism but it goes beyond that. I need to know who, what, where, and most importantly: WHY? And the questions make me more anxious which in turn lead to more rituals or more panic attacks.

I wonder about everything from being harmed, loved one’s being hurt, my future and most importantly and most often-if I will be alone forever. Not necessarily in terms of a relationship (as I do not believe I am ready for that and nor is there anyone who could probably handle me) but in the sense of having to suffer alone. Sure, who wants to be alone? It seems everyone I know is in a loving relationship except for me but I can’t really help that and I accept it, I promise I do. I want to be able to share this with my friends and family but people are so standoffish about it. I can’t share this with anyone like I can share my diabetes. There is a stigma around mental illnesses that is so hard to take. We want nothing more than for people to understand and be accepting as much as they possibly can. And of course, I never wish this on anyone and nor can they understand fully what it feels like. But I still wish people were tolerant.

Loneliness is more terrible than poverty as it is a poverty of your own mind, one you cannot escape. I don’t want pity because this is no one’s problem but my own. I just want people to see that I try and that I do not make these things up. The things I admittedly fear and worry about do exist in my head, they are no some play for drama. I do what I can to get over this but nothing has worked thus far. That’s why I came back. I am sick and tired of being depressed.

I am most depressed at the beginning of the day. My OCD really doesn’t “kick in” so to speak with obsessions and rituals overtaking me until the afternoon. So I don’t get why this part of the day makes me so melancholy. I’ll be driving to work and I’ll suddenly stop and realize that I want to cry but I won’t or I can’t. And I don’t know why. I don’t particularly have any reasons most of the time, so it makes me think about what is really going on here. And other times, I will cry over the most ridiculous of things. I saw a duck walking the other day and I started to cry. I mean, who cries about that? I’ll be watching a commercial or something and I’ll suddenly start thinking of how much worse other people have it than me and I’ll start to cry.

And I can see these are all the reasons that the thing I relied on most is fading, my memory. I used to remember every little detail and obsess about them for an endless amount of time and now, I think because I did that for so long, I’ve damaged my ability to retain memory, which is really horrible.

One of the other anxieties I have made a deal out of more recently but also in the past, was that worry of being touched by others, most especially adult males. I fear it with such an intense dread it makes me scared. Someone could touch me and for weeks on end I remember it, replaying it in my head, the way it made me feel-unease. I have ideas about this, those of which I won’t discuss now, but they may be the reasons to why I feel this way.

I just want to feel better, I want to not be so sad all of the time, I want some relief of thinking about the things normal people do not think about. There are so many things I want to accomplish, I want to go away and travel and write and discover so much but I am so afraid this is all going to stop those from happening.

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I don't really know what to say lilyelspeth! except that it sounds like you had a very productive session with your psychiatrist :).

Just wanted to reply to this bit too...

There are so many things I want to accomplish, I want to go away and travel and write and discover so much but I am so afraid this is all going to stop those from happening

Try not to let OCD, depression etc stop you from realising your dreams. A favourite quotation of mine is, 'Hold onto your dreams, for dreams do come true'. :crybaby:

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Guest lilyelspeth

Thanks for the reply! I think it was quite productive. I just sat down and threw it all onto the page. It felt rather nice, actually.

Unfortunately, I see my Psychiatrist again today and I am nervous. I think it's because I am feeling a bit awkward as that was the first truly in depth discussion we've had and I feel embarrassed about it. Of course I am doubting those thoughts and if I said/did something wrong or embarrassing. :mad: :(

The frustration is really beginning to weigh on me. This morning on my way to work I almost lost it again. Started thinking about my ex and all these horrible things that happened and I almost had a panic attack.

But thanks for the reassurance again and I hope everyone is having a better day than I! :(

Lily

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Hi lilyelspeth

And other times, I will cry over the most ridiculous of things. I saw a duck walking the other day and I started to cry. I mean, who cries about that? I’ll be watching a commercial or something and I’ll suddenly start thinking of how much worse other people have it than me and I’ll start to cry.

I used to be like that until I went on seroxat. Every day, any little thing would start me off crying, especially talking about my problems, but like you, adverts and loads of other things would make me start crying. Since I've been on the tablets, I've noticed a definite lift in my mood and I'm no longer as angry; as frustrated or as depressed and weepy as what I used to be. So you probably do have "clinical depression" and maybe taking anti-depressants will help you to deal with that. I have to say though that I tried many anti-depressants before I found one that worked so don't give up if one kind doesn't work.

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Guest lilyelspeth

Well, we had another session today and I'll see him again in 3 weeks. He thinks that my stopping drinking is very positive and that I need to let go of the WHY?'s. All in all it was pretty much ok, although there is that thing about me fancying him (his winking at me as I left did not help matters much!) :thumbup:

We've added an additional 10mg to my medicine and I've been diagnosed with Sleep Deprivation. And here I thought I slept too much! :)

Thanks again for the encouragement everyone!

LE

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Guest lilyelspeth
Well, we had another session today and I'll see him again in 3 weeks. He thinks that my stopping drinking is very positive and that I need to let go of the WHY?'s. All in all it was pretty much ok, although there is that thing about me fancying him (his winking at me as I  left did not help matters much!)  :) 

We've added an additional 10mg to my medicine and I've been diagnosed with Sleep Deprivation. And here I thought I slept too much!  :)

Thanks again for the encouragement everyone!

LE

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Glad to hear the appointment went well!!! :) You are doing great :) , keep on going!!.Take care.

Love ittykxx :)

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Thanks for the support! You are always so encouraging! :) I really am so happy I found the board. I don't know how I ever got on without it! :)

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Guest lilyelspeth

Well, I had my session again and everything went as planned (almost). My meds as I said before were upped and I've been doing well. Compulsions are lessening but I'm still having a very rough time in the mornings. I will be fine, simply driving to work or university and I will suddenly need to catch my breath and want to cry. I always stop myself though.

Unfortunately my Psychiatrist failed to respond to that concern so I have to wait 3 weeks before I ask him about it again.

Does anyone else get like this?

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