Emotional wreck

[Guest Beth]

I'm 16 and all my life I've bottled up emotions. I have lots anger inside of me, aswell as upset, but I don't know how to show it and I can't express it either, as much as I'd like to scream, hit walls and slam doors I can't in my house. I've had ocd for four years and went to the doctor last week for the first time and got referred to a psychiatrist and deep inside I've been crying ever since, but no matter how hard I try I can't actually cry for real despite how much I want to.

I'm also getting angrier a lot quicker recently and I don't know how to express it, I can't do sports like kickboxing as I have a back problem and punching pillows and counting to ten never seems to work for me. I also feel like crying all the time but I want to bring the tears out to help me. At the moment despite bottling up so many emotions I feel drained and emotionally tired and I don't seem able to show any emotion recently.

My friends who know about my ocd ask me if i'm ok and I say yes when deep down I'm not I'm the complete opposite and distressed, I'm 16 I shouldn't be seeing a psychiatrist, though deep down I know I need to. When i told my parents about it too after the doctor referred me, they fired thirty questions at me something I didn't need and now I'm quite happy that they're ignoring the fact I ever mentioned it and they haven't mentioned it since. I'm just stressed from it and I was depressed after I went to the doctors but had to go to school and people saw I was slightly depressed and asked my friend if i was suicidal which i'm not and then said I always talk about suicide which I don't, so now I feel like I have to smile whenever around people. I feel like I have no emotion I can show, i have it inside where I continue to cry and battle my demons but I can't show it instead I put on a brave face so people don't know. No matter how many friends know about the ocd and only three do, they don't understand so I still feel like I have no one to talk to and I told them about my emotions but I don't think it helped. Please help me find a way to release the anger and tears?

[Guest Saffa]

Hey Beth!

I am soooo sorry you are feeling so low! Believe me sweety we all get like this. I can understand completely how you feel! I had my first serious bout of OCD and deprerssion at sixteen..just as a left school! I always want to scream and shout, I am short tempered and over sensitive. I think sometimes there are just too many things going on inside our heads that it is very hard to release the emotions! Its like when there is just too much to say that its easier not to speak!

I often feel my head is like a pandoras box and that it is better to keep the lid shut for fear of what may come out of it once I start rumaging around. You know you always have us guys. Families deal with OCD in different ways and some people find it very hard to cope with...I mean we find it hard to understand and we are the sufferers. Don't put extra pressure on yourself to cry etc...

On a lighter note ASDA do really cheap plates you could get a few and try smashing them!! Although it may involve a bit of explaining later..I often crave the opportunity to find an empty place like a forest or the desert of the sea and scream and shout to release the anger and frustration..but instead I carry it around with me! I know I have just waffled on and on but I just wanted to say that we are here and dont loose hope at least you have been so brave as to go to the docs that takes immense courage!

All my love and hugs

Saffa

[Guest Dennis912]

Hi,

I think it is great that you told your parents about your ocd, but I'm not sure

telling 3 friends is wise - because i've had people slip about me (at a party) and

it was a very bad situation for me..

Anyway i'm sorry I have no real advise - but what works for me!

I go to a gym to exercise, I can really let go alot of anger and stress lifting weights

using tredmill ect. I have pure O and the stress level goes from 0% to 150% in

5 minutes, so an hour or two at the gym does me well..

Dennis

[Guest gemgem]

im sorry u feel so bad i wish id had the courage to tell people about my proble,s when i was ypur age (i sound like an old codjer sayin that- in 21!!)

i understand how you feel, its so hard to get your emotions out sometimes isnt it?

have you tried writing a diary or poetry or songs or something like that?

thats what keeps me (relatively) sane :omg:

gemgem

[whitebeam]

Hi Beth,

Sorry to hear that things have been a bit tough lately. It's so hard isn't it, feeling bad inside but keeping up a polite and cheerful front.

I was lucky as not too long into my illness I was referred to a psychologist who was really great. I told her everything - we talked about my problems in great depth. Because we talked so much and about distressing things, I was often tearful. She helped me hugely with my self-esteem etc.

I wonder if it would help if you could see a psychologist or similar therapist/counsellor (there are some attached to GP practices). It might help to unload all your problems, have a good cry if necessary - but it does get things out in the open.

No matter how many friends know about the ocd and only three do, they don't understand so I still feel like I have no one to talk to and I told them about my emotions but I don't think it helped

.

People on here do understand so you can say anything on here - really unload - perhaps in a way you can't with your friends.

Someone is around most of the time to listen and support so please post at any time.

Take care

whitebeam

[Guest Beth]

thanx everyone for replying, and i really like the idea of smashing plates and I too crave being by the sea and just letting go, the sea is so relaxing it destresses me immediatley.

I know some people may think it wasn't wise to tell three friends, but they are all close to me and I don't care if others were to find out because I don't see ocd as something to be ashamed of, it doesn't make me weak or a freak or insane, I just can't handle anxiety and fear, and I think that is the right attitude to have for me. If people react badly it's because they don't understand the pain and frustration.

I used to write poetry when I was younger but seem unable to do so, it's like the feelings won't go down on paper. I do spend time when my anxiety is high by distracting myself by writing how I feel, but it has no affect its like my feelings try to get out at once but can't becasue there is so many.

Thanx again for the advice guys, it really helped.

Beth

[Guest lilyelspeth]

Hi Beth, Sorry you are having a bad time at the moment. I recently went through a month of being down and for the first time since I was diagnosed 8 years ago, my mum and I had an actual conversation about my OCD. Unfortunately, sometimes very close friends can't understand, I lost every single friend I had at the end of school before I started university. But if your friends understand, I am very happy for you, you are very lucky. And of course, OCD is nothing to be ashamed of (great insight!), other people just need to be more sensitive.

Hope you feel much better soon! :mad:

Lily

[Guest Elisabeth]

Hi Beth...

I agree that excersize can be really good because it gives you something to focus on and I've read somewhere that it does help OCD. Also, I don't know if this would help but sometimes I found that art helped. I find it's best if you've got a big sheet of paper and some strong paint like poster paint or acrylics and just paint (it doesn't have to actual objects, just lines and marks and colours) to express how you're feeling. Don't think too much about what you're painting and it doesn't have to look nice (if you're feeling angry it probably wouldn't) but I sometimes find it helps. You could also do it sometimes when you're feeling more positive and then look back at those peices if you feel low. I don't know if this will help you but just a suggestion... Hope you feel more positive soon...

Elisabeth

P.S Look at seeing the phyciatrist as a positive thing as this will give you an opportunity to talk about how you feel and get some of the emotions out.

[Guest ScottOCDid]

Hi Beth,

Sorry to hear it's all getting to you just now. It's inevitable that you'll feel a bit mixed up after finally telling your doctor, and sharing this experience with your parents.

It's good to hear that you have supportive friends, although you'll be aware by now that non-sufferers often "don't get it". Probably the best thing to do is to vent your frustrations on here, where people will understand where you're coming from, and take the strain off your personal friendships.

On a practical note, which has been mentioned above, I've always found that exercise helps to burn off some of the tension. I take on board what you've said about your back but it needn't be an all-out kick the out of something type of sport; any aerobic activity will help to activate your endorphins (the feel-good brain chemicals that help the body combat pain).

Either that or you could get yourself a good 3D shoot-em-up computer game and waste some alien scum...

Keep posting & get it out of your system.

Scott