Someone else listen instead of me

[Guest Beth]

I'm beginning to feel like my purpose in life is to listen. I seem to be there for other people to talk to when they have problems, but when I need them they seem to disappear. I love helping people it's nice to be able to do so, and I like listening to them and have them know I'm here for them whenever, but I'd like the same back and I don't seem to get it. The only time my feelings get heard and I receive some feedback is when I write on here or into advice columns. It's great to do so, because people on here make me feel better about myself, and I usually ask the agony aunts and uncles at the Reach For The Sky website for help, and I've asked them for help a couple of times, mainly on ocd and they make me feel like I can get help and be ok, they also make me feel strong and brave for being able to not only write about my problems but also to be able to put up with life even though it's a dark frustrating place for me. They have really helped me as have all the people here and I will be forever grateful.

No one else makes me feel like that, i feel ignored by friends, my school's pupils and teachers might aswell walk straight through me for all the attention they pay me, and it sounds stupid but I would just love to stand in front of the sixth form students and teachers and tell them just how :hug: awful and invisible they make me feel and how although they may not know it they affect me and how I feel about myself and I could scream and scream at them for a century and my anger at them still wouldn't fade. I hate so many of them for making my life miserable, and I know hate is a strong word and I may eb using it out of context but right now the anger is too much to not use it, and it's wrong but my friends are becoming more apparent to not being my friends, I feel like I never want to see some of them again, they intimidate me and make me feel awful about myself, I wish at dinnertimes when I was with them I could have the guts to walk away, to go sit outside by myself and write til my hearts content and ignore passers by as they may wonder why I'm sitting all alone, becasue I damn well want to, because I don't want to be around people, especially ones who make me feel about myself, how can I call them friends when they do that to me, they make me think I must be the worse human in the world as I seem to be driving them away as they hang out with other people more and more after school and don't even invite me (not that I could go, I can't do social situations I get too nervous and I don't like the other people).

Then to make matters worse, we sit in the same area as my ex, a person who I got called weird for dating, and now we've split I still get ridiculed for it occasionaly and yet it's ok for them to become greatest buddies with him and hang out with after school and talk constantly, not one of my friends doesn't talk to him, where does that leave me really, I don't get on with him he hurt me and made me feel insecure. I hate school life, learning is the only bearable part, I hate it so much, I hate them but I have to continue with it til September 2006. Secretly I dream of leaving them, without saying anythin to them, I wish in half term I could go on holiday to the Isle Of Wight-a place I love-and have my parents buy me a flat there and not make me ever go back to school there. I wish that would happen, I pray that it will and right now I want it more than anything, except a man in my life to make me feel good about myself and happy because we'd be in love and then I could forget the demons I face at school. I would just love for them to know how much they hurt me and how much I hate them.

I'm sorry for telling you this and I know you probably don't care, but I needed to get it out, and I was going to write it in my blog, but I needed to know someone would read it and hear what I'm saying.

P.S.My mate on msn just asked if I was ok and I said i was fine when I wasn't why did i do that, why can't I tell them the truth

[Guest robert1]

hey beth relax and try and calm down,i know it is horrible but believe that you will eventually find good friends and nice people,

[Caramoole]

'Forgive them for they know not what they do'

I think that was what Jesus said........forgive me I'm not a religious person and obviously didn't listen hard enough in R.E :hug:

That said.....in essence, this is what the problem is, they have no idea of what you feel and no concept of your illness and as such can't respond in the way you need.

Teenage years can be very, very difficult years...everyone vying to be top of the pack, most popular person....they can be very selfish years and someone (like you) seems to suffer. I didn't have OCD problems at your age, I was quite a confident person and yet still suffered my turn at being the one who was sent to Coventry....it passes and then the next person becomes the victim...make sure that the relief at being included doesn't allow you to be part of doing that to anyone else, although reading your post I'm sure it's something I needn't even mention. Teenage years are often difficult as hormones change but it does pass.

You will find someone in time who is right for you, not only romantically but friends as well.

Make use of your online friends Beth, I know it's not the same but you are amongst friends who understand and will be there to listen to you...your needs are as important as anyone elses.

[Guest Hypnosinc]

Hi Beth,

You are obviously feeling very angry and frustrated, and that is quite understandable and OK, given the circumstances, but you may be directing your anger at the wrong target. Your friends(?) rather than the OCD.

You can't blame people for their ignorance, you can't even condemn them for not wanting to learn. We all have free choice. Those who want to hear will listen, but sadly most can't cope with other people's difficulties, and that isn't a fault, it's a fact of life.

Education doesn't work by osmosis. If you want people to understand, you have to talk to them, but unless you have the natural gift of an orator, you will find it immensely difficult to get a number of people to understand at the same time, and to the same degree. You'd be better focusing on just one person you feel you can trust, and take them into your confidence. And then work round the group individually, allowing those you have already explained matters to, to back up what you are saying. Gradually you will find that you have re-educated your group. It is a long slow process, I'm afraid, but you don't get there by saying "They won't understand, so I won't tell them anything." If they don't have the condition, they just can't understand fully how debilitating it is.

How much do people actually know about what you are experiencing? How much do you hide from them?

... they hang out with other people more and more after school and don't even invite me (not that I could go, I can't do social situations I get too nervous and I don't like the other people).

This is a very telling sentence. When your own anxieties and depression paralyse you to the extent that you don't socialise, it follows that you get excluded more and more. You can't expect to be included when you want to exclude yourself.

I hate so many of them for making my life miserable,

I'm sorry, Beth, but that is looking at the situation from the wrong angle. People don't make us miserable. What makes us miserable, is the interpretation we put on what they say and do. We actually choose to be miserable, just as we could choose to be happy, sad or drunk. That is a very hard concept to grasp, I know, but until you accept that you are responsible for your own emotional reactions, you will keep people at arms length, and avoid contact with them.

If you have a school of say 600 pupils, statistically 20 of them will have OCD, all feeling the same as you. How many of them do you know? Probably none. OCD sufferers are notorious for hiding their symptoms, understandably of course, but then they imagine they are the only people in the place who feel that way. Can you meet up with them? Not easily. Who would willingly put up posters advertising an after-school club for OCD sufferers? The stigma is probably too great for that, but if one person reached out to other sufferers, what changes could be achieved then.

That's a long ramble. But basically, be angry, be very angry, but direct that anger at this condition that has robbed you of so much of the enjoyment and experiences you could be having. And then determine that you are not going to let it get in the way, and hold you back. Show yourself willing to be included and you will be.

[Guest Brainstrain]

Hi Beth

I can understand exactly what you're feeling and I don't think it is to do with being in your teenage years but a direct result of ocd + self esteem and insecurity issues. Why do I think this? Because I am exactly the same. Only it didn't stop at school, I felt the same at university and everywhere I have worked since. Even now I still feel alienated by my friends and am beginning to hate some of them. For instance if two of my friends are laughing about something in the staffroom I instantly feel rejected and like everyone must be looking at me thinking I am a loner because they haven't chosen to include me in their joke.

I too dislike people that I don't know, I am historically bad at meeting new people and if someone new tries to talk to me I get really scared and end up seeming to them like a stuck up :hug: ! When in fact it is the opposite - you see on some level I think I am almost not worthy to talk to them, they won't be remotely interested in what I have to say and will just think I'm wierd. Sometimes I notice that I talk really fast to people and this is because I feel they are only talking to me out of pity, aren't interested in what I'm saying and want to get away from me as quickly as possible! I tried to tell one of my work friends about the ocd but I should have thought about who I told more carefully as she is a bit of a liar and an attention seeker so when I told her she miraculously developed ocd and thought she had it because she has to arrange her shoes in a specific way!!! It really annoys me that she is always coming in trying to get attention of other people by saying she has a really bad headache or just feels really unwell or that her wisdom teeth are poisoning her - yes she did actually say that! They all pander to her and I really want to say, 'Well I go through a living hell in my head every day, do you know what that's like?!' but of course I don't so I just smile weakly in the corner.

However, saying this I have recently made a real effort to talk to people and have made friends wih a new person who seems really nice (And if anything, a little ocd-ish herself) and although most people see this as an everyday thing I feel like I'm really brave but it seems to be going well we just have to learn to get a good balance between the ocd and living a fuller life. Hope this is a bit helpful for you Beth, sorry it's a bit long!

Brainstrain

[Guest Beth]

thanx for your answers. Brainstrain you sound like you really understand how I feel and I know where my feelings come from and altho some say it's my own fault I'm miserable, is it? When I was in year 2 of school, very young, my friends betrayed me and went off with a girl who didn't like me for no reason, how in the world would that not make me miserable, it was like a kick in the heart my 'best friend' began to hate me. My confidence went compleltey and I became very shy and then in year 8 after moving to a new area, it happened again, my two friends went off with a girl who was a complete to me and I became a loner. In the space of time inbetween these incidents, my confidence grew only very slightly, then when it happened again my confidence and self esteem went so low I am to this day still in the minus numbers.

I see your points made about dealing with things in other ways but sometimes it's not that black & white, being told by friends people are talking about you, yeh thats going to make me cheerful. Also it isn't the ocd I'm angry at, yes I hate it and have anger towards it, but this is different anger, I don't care that my friends don't understand fully, how can they without suffering. I'm angry at what has robbed me of being social, and it isn't ocd, ocd hasn't become so bad for me yet that it interferes so much. Whats robbed me is my past and what has happened to me and made me feel so inferior to everyone else, because it's obvious that I'm not a good enough person to have friends, there must be something wrong with me, it's obviously not the friends I had that are the problem but it's me, so in a way the only person I have to blame is me and so I begin to hate myself and my self-esteem goes lower . When I say i hate them for making my life miserable, I mean I hate me for feeling so angry at them when really they are acting how they should, like teenagers, but I'm too scared to do that incase I look stupid and humiliate myself. Problem is me feeling like this and feeling too inferior to have friends will only push my friends further away and make me feel worse and hate them when they've done nothing wrong.

Truth is deep down I don't hate them, I hate me for being such a dumbass and not being able to cope and reacting how I do. I don't hate ocd for what is does to me, I hate me for what ocd does to me, becasue I feel I must have caused it myself and it's all my own fault and perhaps I did something bad in a past life that has caused me to feel like this and drive friends away.

I guess I'm just having a bad self-esteem time, I've had this before last year and I just hope it will go away again and not return. Oh and Brainstrain I have a friend like yours, I told her about ocd and now she has mental problems, and I don't doubt she does, she is a very close friend of mine and I believe her fully becasue it may be a heridtary thing, its just annoying how she seems to thrive on it and want attention for it, she does every illness. But I care for her too much to not believe her and I know she is depressed a lot but it bugs me how everyone notices when she is depressed, but no one does to me, and when they rarely did once they immediatley assumed I was suicidal(never would I be)so now I force myself to smile around people when I'm crying inside.

Sorry for goin on I'll shut up now

[Guest Brainstrain]

Hi Beth

When I was in year 2 of school, very young, my friends betrayed me and went off with a girl who didn't like me for no reason, how in the world would that not make me miserable, it was like a kick in the heart my 'best friend' began to hate me. My confidence went compleltey and I became very shy and then in year 8 after moving to a new area, it happened again, my two friends went off with a girl who was a complete  :huh: to me and I became a loner.

This very same thing happened to me at junior school too! There were four of us who were friends and then one girl moved away which left three - not a good number and the other two were always 'going off' to the point where my mum asked for me to be in a different class. I then made a new friend and, although we are still very close now (In fact I am married to her brother!!) she even 'dumped' me for some cooler girls half way through secondary school. Anyway the point I really want to make is that it isn't your fault that these things have happened but the problem is the way the ocd makes you percieve these things. You see I now work with children and I see them falling in and out of friendships and 'going off' with other friends etc all the time, it is just part of growing up but for us because of the ocd we see it as a definate sign that there must be something wrong with us and let it affect our future friendships and relationships but there isn't anything wrong with us it is just the hypersensitive part of the ocd making us think it must be linked to something we've done because everything has to be for a reason etc etc... Get what I mean? By the way only talking from my own experience here I might be totally wrong!

Truth is deep down I don't hate them, I hate me for being such a dumbass and not being able to cope and reacting how I do.

I constantly beat myself up for the way I react to things and am sure my husband will leave me one day for the way I get so wound up and over react about stuff and the fact that I can't cope with life like everyone else does.

it's all my own fault and perhaps I did something bad in a past life that has caused me to feel like this and drive friends away.

You must never think like this, it isn't your fault that you have this crippling disorder. Not to be harsh but I bet if you (heaven forbid) got some physical illness you wouldn't be blaming yourself and this is just the same. Anyway, if that was true for you then it must be the same for all of us ocd-ers and we can't all have been bad in our past lives - if that theory even exists anyway!!! Hope you get my drift here!

its just annoying how she seems to thrive on it and want attention for it, she does every illness. But I care for her too much to not believe her and I know she is depressed a lot but it bugs me how everyone notices when she is depressed, but no one does to me,

I know exactly what you mean about her getting attention and people noticing when she is depressed. The friend I was talking about earlier even has some of the senior management people who she never talks to coming and asking if she's alright and that they're there if she ever needs to talk etc etc but no one ever says anything like that to me but I'm too shy to just go up to people and start spilling out my worries, like I said before I don't even think people want to talk to me anyway so I wouldn't approach them about it! I suppose some people don't care if people think they're attention seekers as long as they get the attention but I'd be scared that if I started telling everyone about my problems they would just think that I was attention seeking - do you know what I mean! Sorry to ramble on for so long but I hope it's been helpful.

And by the way, I don't think it is your fault that you're miserable. In my experience when you are having a daily battle with pure o ocd you AREN'T in any control of your emotions anyway! Sorry hypnosinc just had to give my perspective on that one!

Brainstrain :hug:

[Guest Hypnosinc]

Hi Brainstrain,

I'm sorry if I didn't make myself clear on a couple of points. At no time would I ever suggest that a person is at fault for feeling miserable. That wouldn't even make sense anyway. It is a free choice what emotion one expresses, and there can be no blame attached to choosing one emotion over another. The problem arises when we blame another person for the emotions we are having. To do that, we are conceding that other people have far more control of our emotional lives than we do ourselves. While it can often feel like that, other people only seem to be exercising such power because we have handed it to them on a plate. In effect we have given them permission to dictate to us how we should be feeling.

The other thing is that taking responsibility for our emotions is not the same as being in control of them. There is no circumstance I can conceive where the two are synonymous. We all have occasions when the "red mist" drops in front of our eyes. Frankly, only someone who is a hair's breadth short of a control freak, doesn't feel the explosive nature of a particular emotion given the appropriate stimulus. But again I wasn't speaking of being in control of our emotions, only of recognising that they belong to us, and nobody else, and that we have a perfect right to indulge in whichever of them we want, without fear or favour.

It is perfectly OK to feel unhappiness because something has happened, but it undermines our ability to handle that situation to say that another person has made us unhappy, when the decision for us to be unhappy was never made by that person.