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[Guest Gemzywemz]

Hi everyone. I am new to this site so thought I would just introduce myself and tell you all a bit about me and my ocd. I am 24 year old female, and for the past 2 years I have been suffering from cleanliness ocd or contamination whatever you want to call it. I call it cleanliness as although I have to clean all the time and constantly feel dirty and worry that other things are dirty around me, I do not believe that by touching any of these things I will be contaminted as such, I just find the thought revolting because they are in my opinion dirty. And once my thought process starts, it never stops. I never get any peace inside my head. At present I shower once a day, but I wash my hair twice a day, my hands hundreds of times a day and my face about 3 times a day. I have to shower each evening before I get into bed because in my mind there is only one place in the whole of my universe that is clean and that is my bed. I musnt get that dirty or else I have nowhere. I refuse to sit in any seat in the lounge except for 1 and I like to wear clothes that cover my body so no flesh is exposed - so I no longer wear t-shirts or skirts. I did in the summer but it has got progressively worse since then so I do not know how I will be this summer coming. I use between 2 and 5 towels a day and usually get through 2 outfits of clothes. I also use about 2 kitchen rolls a day and my hands are chapped and sore and often bleed. I am on medication - lustral - but, although it seems to stabilise my mood it doesnt help the ocd at all. Infact the ocd has just gotten worse since I have been taking it. The hardest part in all of this, for me, is not knowing why or how I developed this illness. I think it has always been inside me and I was hoping to get some advice of you guys as to what you think.......

I was fine up untill I was about 14 years old. I had a brillient upbringing and had no traumas or anything in my life that I can recall. I was such an outgoing, confident child. When I hit 13/14 however everthing changed. I became convinced that I was ill - brain tumours, stomach tumours, meningitis, jaw cancer.....the list was endless and everything I worried about was possibly fatal. I made endless visits to the doctors, but they could never really convince me...and if they did convince me of one thing then it would just change to another thing. I lost all interest in school, lost all of my friends, and became withdrawn and depressed. It was the start of a long hard battle for me. I left school without any qualifications and could barely leave the house at times. I began to suffer panic attacks and just about everything worried me. Gradually the fear of illnesses passed but it just kinda went from one thing to another. Since I was 14 I have hated the way I look - I have low self esteem and feel differant to everybody else. I am very paranoid about the way I look which can come across as being vain but I am not I just dislike myself.

[Guest Gemzywemz]

I didnt mean to send that just then I wasnt finished!!!

....I just hate the way I look. I eventually got myself a job and things started to pick up but it been up and down ever since. I go thru phases of having diff things that worry me. I have found it hard to hold down jobs esp full time jobs. Eventually something always happens to make me want to leave the job. About 4 years ago I met somebody and fell in love and for a while I was a diff person and was so happy but after a while that all started to go wrong - I became jealous and worried all the time that they would leave me as I wasnt good enough. It was a bit of a screwed up relationship but I dont know whether that was due to me, or them. After nearly 3 years together we split up and I was absolutely devestated....somebody posted something about love sickness on here and I totally agree with it - and i do think it might have something to do with ocd. In the past I have had intrusive thoughts - told myself I must do things or bad things will happen and have done rituals like reading things over and over and touching things a certain ammount of times. I can vaguely remember when I was younger panicking about such things and having nasty thoughts in my head. Although I have had washing obsessions for a while last year was generally a good year for me as I got myself together after my break up and loved my job.friends etc. I even started college in september studying 2 evenings a week aswell as doing a full time job. I have just been promoted however and this past week has been a nightmare because I am now worried I am not up to the job and dont like the responsibility. Evey tiny little thing worries me and I am sick and tired of it. Everybody else just takes life as it comes but not me...I analyse absolutely everything all of the time and all weekend all I can think of is how is work going to be on monday. I am snappy and aggitated constantly with my family and tell them not to put things in certain places because it is dirty. As much as they try their best to understand nobody can unless they feel like that themselves. What I really wanted your advice on is do you think that my whole problem has always been ocd? Because for years I have just felt odd. But after doing some research it seems that it could all of been down to ocd. Even the health fears and worries. Or are some of the things I have mentioned just down to me being sensitive? I know I have rambled on and half of this doesnt really make any sense so forgive me....I just needed to get it all out. I just wish my mind didnt think and work so hard as it does!

Thanks for listening everyone. Take care

[Guest ScottOCDid]

Hi Gemzywemz,

Welcome to the forum

I have just been promoted however and this past week has been a nightmare because I am now worried I am not up to the job and dont like the responsibility.

...I analyse absolutely everything all of the time and all weekend all I can think of is how is work going to be on monday.

30762[/snapback]

Resistance to change is common to many OCDers, but hang in there and you'll be fine at work! Your employers judged that you're capable of doing the job and you will - just try not to put extra pressure on yourself!

What I really wanted your advice on is do you think that my whole problem has always been ocd? Because for years I have just felt odd. But after doing some research it seems that it could all of been down to ocd. Even the health fears and worries. Or are some of the things I have mentioned just down to me being sensitive? I know I have rambled on and half of this doesnt really make any sense so forgive me....I just needed to get it all out.  I just wish my mind didnt think and work so hard as it does!

Thanks for listening everyone. Take care

30762[/snapback]

Certainly sounds like OCD. Being hypersensitive is just a character trait that often accompanies the condition.

I need to shoot off now but welcome once again, look forward to your posting again.

Take care,

Scott

[Caramoole]

Hi Gemmywemz...Welcome to OCD-UK, I'm sure you'll find the boards very helpful.

Your description certainly does describe OCD. Have a look around the boards and you'll find oodles of information about OCD both here on the Bulletin Board and on the OCD home page.

OCD is a funny old thing (actually it's not funny at all ) Knowledege is power (As Ashie will tell you) but that knowledge, that 'knowing' and understanding isn't quite enough, we have to start putting that knowledge into action and little by little facing our fears. It can be distressing at times but it is the only true way to start beating OCD.

Hopefully this can be a starting point for you with the support and encouragement of others who truly know what you're going through. Good Luck