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i need your advice


Guest Dreamer

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Guest Dreamer

hey everyone,

what in about to write is going to be long but its really crucial to me and i desperatly need all of your advice. i dont think i just have ocd. i think i am suffering or have been suffering from post traumatic stress from my sexual abuse. i have had alot of therapists agree with me but i need other peoples opinions. if im right about this my ocd could be cured forever.

when i was 3 i was left alone with a male babysitter. we had a very intimate moment together. i cant describe it because i cant remeber everything but i seriuosly think that this was the cause of all my problems. although i cant remeber any shame at the time, ive realised that straight away my sexual obsessions started. also when ever my mum went to wash me i would cower away from her like she was going to abuse me. this was the same with any adult.

these fears stayed with me until i was 13 then my problems esculated into other issues (bdd, depression, self harm etc etc). when i hit 17 they came back, but instead they came back has me being the abuser. i would get these awful sexual feelings when ever i got these thoughts which made me more convinced i was bad. this lead to a breakdown which led me into hospital which led me to an even worse breakdown.

however, there maybe a light at the end of my dark tunnel, just maybe and this is where i need your help. in my second breakdown i was afraid that people would think im bad because i told them about my thoughts. i stayed a recluse for a whole year because i was so afraid. yet within this pain i think a puzzle pieced together in my mind.

for the past 4 years i thought i was having sexual arousal feelings for children. this was my ocd. however i now realise this is complete ****. i never had arousal feelings. those sexaul feelings werent at all sexual they were horrible flashbacks of what i went through as a child. i remeber. i remeber feeling those feelings with my babysitter. i just stored them and everytime i felt uncomfortable i would feel them but i never knew what they were because i didnt know what they were at 3. they were never pleasurable, they were horrble, painful memories that i kept with me all this time. those few moments i lost control when i was a child esculated into my ocd and i realise i may never control this pain, but i can cope and they cant hurt me anymore. those flashbacks merged with my ocd but i know now that every time i had those thougths they were just horrible reminders of the pain that i felt and i have right to be angry and upset and i have a right to now let go and live my life how i want it, good or bad, just without his sprit in me anymore.

its over. i have never suffered any sexual perversion, its just everytime i was uncomfortable i would feel these sexual feelings. do you think this makes sense. has anyone else been through this? i need your advice.

thanks everyone

dreamer x.

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Guest Dreamer

also i just want to say that i know that i havent been there for everyone like they have been there for me on this board but that doesnt mean that i dont read or understand any one elses posts. i just have no advice at the moment because my mind is so locked. i hope you dont thinkim selfish im just really isolated right now. im also again worried that ive said somthing wrong on the post.

:huh: for being there for me though. this bored has really help me

dreamer x.

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Guest lilyelspeth

Hi Dreamer.

I can't say that my situation is exactly the same, but I am currently experiencing this as well. I had a horrible childhood due to an abusive father and was sexually assaulted twice as a teenager. I've repressed many memories as a child and I am completely frustrated at the fact that something may or may not have happened as a young girl. One major problem I've had dealing with this is the fact that I cannot be touched by male figures of authority.

My therapist and I have been working on this by him shaking my hand before and after every session. If I get the urge to perform a ritual and obsess over it, we talk it out and I had to learn to stick it out. Unfortunately intimacy issues are still a big deal, but when the time comes to work that out I hope it is okay.

What you have gone through was extremely traumatic and you should never be ashamed of it. When I have my sexual obsessions I usually perform a ritual, so in order to prove that I can get past them, I have started to stop myseslf and do everything I can to stop them. It's getting better with the more understanding I have about the obsessions (which is part of therapy and talking these things out.) I sincerely hope you know that you should talk these things out and that no one here will judge you as many of us, I'm sure have experienced what you have.

I hope it helped a little to know someone else can know what you feel like and that talking about this is the first step to helping yourself. Good Luck and try to think happy thoughts! :huh:

-Lily

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Guest Hypnosinc

Hi Dreamer,

I seem to be going round apologising to everyone for only getting here once in a blue moon, particular to those who have been kind enough to PM me. Anyway I apologise that this is the first opportunity I really have to respond.

It is good that you have managed to bring some perspective into play in this matter, and your case probably highlights that we really don't know as much as we could about the psychological fall-out of child abuse against the very young.

It comes up very often that those who abuse children may themselves have been abused as children. I can't argue against that. It isn't true in every case, of course, and sometimes I get the feeling that some abusers use this as a cosy excuse to deny responsibility for their actions. I have no doubt however that if OCD ever needed a peg to hang an anxiety on, yours is a tailor-made case. - To be anxious that you may harm a child because you yourself were abused. Thankfully you have seen through the lie, but I can only imagine the terrors it must have brought you over that 4-year period.

It is necessary to recognise, however, that the thoughts of being capable of child abuse, in that they were inspired by the OCD, have no more validity than a belief that if you don't wash your hands before preparing food, you are likely to contaminate 3/4 of the population of UK. The one idea does not lead unfailingly to the next. But the OCD will often devise a link, no matter how tenuous, to establish some feeling of guilt or shame.

It is for that reason that I counsel people away from focusing on the content of an obsessive thought, and to concentrate instead on the actual thought process. I strongly believe, that it doesn't matter what the thought is, OCD will play about until it finds the one with which it can inflict most damage, and has the greatest chance of being accepted as the truth by the sufferer. Which is why the content of thoughts is so susceptible to change. If OCD is losing the battle with one, it just switches track. Tackle the actual process of thinking, and it doesn't get that second opportunity.

Another point that arises is, Does having recognised your fear of abusing a child as being symptomatic of OCD, mean that you are automatically out of the woods, in regard to the effects of the original abuse? Not necessarily. For some people, though I stress this is not true in every case, it may be necessary, once the OCD is under control, to deal with the past history - to effect closure as it is often called. This is simply because unresolved issues concerning abuse will not always just fade away. Indeed they may continue to play an influential part throughout one's life, for example, in relationship issues.

I would never deliberately advise a victim to seek counselling for abuse, unless they themselves actually felt they needed it. I guess I'm only too aware of the scandal of the "False memory" syndrome that blew up about 10 years ago. (For those who are not aware of it, this was a time when it was almost trendy for therapists to see abuse as a reason for any psychological disturbance, whether or not any such abuse had occurred. They were actively encouraging sufferers to believe that they were unconsciously suppressing the memory as being too painful to deal with. It led to many unfounded accusations of abuse, especially against either or both parents.) I think victims need to be aware, to some degree, that abuse had actually taken place, and that they are still undergoing bad experiences as a result, before agreeing to enter such therapy.

This is digressing somewhat I know. Let me just say that I'm delighted you are learning how to let go of the past, and refusing to see it as an excuse for avoiding the future. It will not always be easy, but you have made a very valid start, and I have considerable admiration for you. :)

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Guest Brainstrain

Hi Dreamer and everyone

Well done Dreamer I think what you have said makes perfect sense.

Sorry to divert your thread I hope you don't mind but while on this subject I wanted to ask you and others for their thoughts on this.

When I went for some counselling in the last session we touched on something that had my counsellor wondering if I was abused when I was very young but I have never been able to follow this up but would be interested in what you think.

From about the age of 8 or 9 I was very aware of 'romantic liasons' and would regularly get in various clinches with my mum's friend's son who was the same age as me.

When I got to the age of about 10 or 11 + and I found out about the facts of life etc I used to be very wary around older male relatives and used to be very worried about whether I was leading them on and they would think I wanted them to do things to me, kissing them goodbye used to give me great anxiety and I was always aware of how I was sitting and if they were looking at me etc. I liked wearing shortish skirts and often worried if they thought I was wearing them to 'woo' them if I happened to see them while wearing one.

I even did a project on the prevention of child abuse at school when everyone else was choosing to do things like save the dolphins and the environment etc.

Then when I got to about 17/18 then growing with intensity until now - I have had fears of hurting/abusing children. My last holiday was hell because I thought it was disgusting that parents let their children be completely naked on the beach and then my ocd starting asking why I had even noticed etc etc and then I heard someone say jokingly 'it would be a peadophile's paradise down here' and then I was just paranoid of looking at anything or anyone so obsessively kept my head in a book for the whole time or got drunk!

I often feel a lot of anxiety when in the bath to the point where I, very unhygenically, often put off having one for as long as I can which isn't long as I don't have a shower so I wonder if something happened to me when I was in the bath.

Anyway, all of this lead my counsellor - who didn't know I had ocd by the way - to question whether anything may have happened to me when I was little and I have to say that this thought had crossed my mind on occasion too.

I have tried to trawl my past but I think if anything did happen it would have been when I was no older than 1,2 or 3 and I have asked tentative questions to my mum about any dodgy babysitters or any distant relatives that we don't see etc. I don't want to doubt any of my relatives that I still see cos that would be just too much! Does any of this make sense to anyone or is it just the ocd in overdrive? Please let me know what you think.

Thank you Brainstrain :)

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