Illness, addictiveness and lovenotes.

[Guest Beth]

When I'm ill, which I am now, my ocd seems to get worse. I'm scared if when I leave a room that if I don't turn the light off a certain amount of times my illness will turn serious even fatal. I get so scared I have a note hidden under my pillow telling my family how much i love them, just incase something bad happens (I can't write the d word because I feel like that would be saying that will happen).

It's weird too because being ill has made me reflect on signs I had problems when I was younger. My ocd started with thoughts the same day as the 9/11 attacks, they obviously sparked something in me. But I never knew what ocd was until a year later, I just thought my thoughts and window and light checking were paranoia, but the note I have under my pillow now because I'm ill, well when 9/11 happened I was scared there would be a bombing at night and so I put a note under my pillow just incase telling my family again just how much i love them, i also felt comforted by the fact it was there also if i felt ill or had stomach ache as it could 've been serious, the note made sure my parents knew how i felt. Every night before i went to bed I also began saying to my parents, "Good night, I love you". I had to do it, i couldn't sleep otherwise. I soon grew out of it though and it lasted about two/three years. I still tell my parents i love them, but only being ill now has made the note re-occur.

More worringly than this is what I used to do every night since I can remember until a couple of years ago. I don't know when or why it started but every night I used to put Vapro rub under my nose to help me breathe through my nose when asleep. I had to do it i thought I wouldn't be able to sleep in the night if I didn't becasue i might shut my mouth and not be able to breathe through my nose too. Everyone in my house knew about it but no one understanded why I did it. I can remember being 6/7 and talking about it and making the excuse I had a cold. I must've had a permenant cold for 8years as an excuse. Then I decided I needed to stop so I did, it took 2 months or so but I stopped using it, I began to only use it if i had an actual cold (I have to use it now). But it was a sign to me I had an addictive nature, my family and me both put it down to that. But i remember someone saying that ocd can run in family or parents can have traits of it, well if it was ocd, I was once told my dad used it every nite, that is why we always have some, but i think he can stop and only uses it sometimes. I also had to make sure there was sufficient amount i used to rub it in and if i had a drink and i thought it might wipe it off and had to rub it in again and again.

This is part of the reason why I've never taken a tablet in my life or ever drunk alcohol. I know I have an addictive nature, my friends even when they were 14 were goin out on fridays getting drunk while i was at home because I wasn't a drinker. i know i'd like it for giving me the confidence i don't have and makin me forget my problems and i'd become addicted so I've never had any even when everyone around me is . I also don't use tablets because I believe they lower the amount of pain you can take and they can eventually id used to stop headaches, actually cause them the side effects scare me too I'm always thinking I'll get one and become really ill. But I felts so bad on saturday morning I had to take a pill, meaning my headace must've have been bad I've had tons and just got through them even migraines. But i decided to take an ibruprofen (i had to chew it though couldn't swallow it whole, scared of choking, my dad does the same don't know why though). I took it and felt better, I took one again abut four hours later and although I never exceeded the limit, in two days I went from never using tablets to depending on them to get rid of pain, i thoight i had to take one before sleep otherwise I wouldn't get through the headaches and lose sleep. I was scared of the pain without them. Thats why I don't want to take medicine for ocd, I know I'll become addicted and dependant.

Sorry I rambled on i just wanted your opinion on whether what I used to do was a sign of ocd or paranoia (every time i get an ache I think it's serious, i have to tell myself what a physiotherapsit once told me 'sometimes you just get pain for no reason it isn't serious' that tends to get me through some of it). Do you think addictiveness goes hand in hand with ocd? I'll shut up now :crybaby:

[Guest tangoblu]

Hi Beth,

Sorry to hear you have not been well and that your OCD seems worse. I think this is quite common - our son definately finds his OCD harder to contront when he is ill and it becomes noticebly worse at this time too.

We get him to drink plenty of water and take extra vitamin c to help build up his immune system.

The sypmtoms you describe are very similar to our son's when he was really struggling.

In answer to your question:

- Do you think addictiveness goes hand in hand with ocd?

I think that people who have OCD often have obsessive qualities within their personality - they tend to go hand in hand. What I can say is that with support (in our son's case) through CBT and medication he has learnt not to react to all the thoughts that enter his head - he has learnt to recognise OCD thoughts and believe in himself.

As a child he was always a worrier - he worried about everything and asked for constant reassurance. It is only when things got so bad last year, when he was diagnosed with OCD, that we realised that it ws all connected.

Take care and get well soon.

Pam

[Guest Beckett93]

Hi Beth Very sorry to read that you aren't feeling well and I hope you get to feeling better soon. OCD can be aggravated by life stresses such as illness and that can be leading to symptoms like like switching and the fear of the d word. Only a professional can say for certain and you may want to consider seeking treatment. It can be very hard work, but you can control your OCD to the point where it won't make you so unhappy. I would say it's understandable to be wary of medication. Most OCD medication is non-habit forming though. I once took 60mg a day of Prozac for 5 years and then quit. There were no withdrawal symptoms. Those medications that can be habit forming, your doctor will advise you as to how to use them. I do not think you have an addictive personality. I do think you are experiencing anxiety.

And there is no need to feel sorry for "rambling" on, as you didn't ramble. It's normal to want to talk about these things, so you don't have to apologize. It can be a release to let out what has been troubling you, especially to people who know what you are going through. Again, I hope you get to feeling better soon :crybaby:

[Guest lilyelspeth]

Hi Beth.

Sorry you are having a bad time at the moment. I think this is definitely OCD as I have similar problems. I am unable to cope with anything having do with the war or terrorism, etc. as well. I cannot handle hearing about it because either one of two happens-I get uncharacteristically angry or I get so scared I don't want to leave my home. I know it is best to try to deal with these types of things full on, but for me I'd rather avoid them.

Talk to your therapist,etc. It is important, however, to discuss the things we fear because we need to recognise them. Which I think you do and that is great!

[Guest matthw]

Hi Beth,

Just wanted to agree with you on one aspect in particular. I don't drink either and what you said made lots of sense, think I'd be too scared that I'd lose control of the situation. Similarly with tablets (for the OCD) it took ages to persuade myself that they were worth taking, things got quite bad berfore I accepted they were necessary.

Sorry to hear you're not well and hope you feel better soon.

Take care,

Matthw

[Guest Brainstrain]

Hi Beth

What you have described when you were little sounds very familiar. Firstly I agree that I think addictiveness does go hand in hand with ocd. I get in a very addictive 'mood' with a lot of things, if I'm having a drink out partying I can't stand it to end and frantlically look for any way to carry on i.e drinking when I get home and even get angry with my husband if he just wants to go to bed! I tried to make myself anorexic when I was younger but failed! I am currently growing addicted to a gambling website although I only make 10p bets I feel a great urge to carry on going and get very disappointed when I lose. I just wish I could become addicted to something useful like exercise!

I had night time rituals with my mum too. I ALWAYS had to say 'I love you, see you in the morning' Sometimes I had to upgrade it to 'speak to you in the morning' as I 'thought' that saying I could see her wouldn't be enough besause I would still be able to see her if she was 'd'. I used to have to plan each night what I would take with me if there was a fire and what I could take for each member of my family so that they would have something to put on, I knew my mum's (fake) fur coat was in my wardrobe so I knew I could take that for her etc and I used to plan my route out in all scenarios wherever the fire was to be. I also wrote a 'will' once when I was about 10 although it was mainly saying who each of my teddies would go to and the contents of my piggy bank etc I still believed in it seriously!

Brainstrain

[Guest Beth]

Hi thanx everyone for your replies and opinions. Brainstrain I know how you feel with the gambling thing, of course me being 16 means I can't gamble, but when I was young I used to go to Barmouth in North Wales and there is an amusent arcade and these 2p machines, as soon as I begin playing I end up spending hours on it, I went through a phase of going on holiday and looking for these machines becasue I loved playing them so much and so wanted to win a priz, my parents stopped me tho coz I was taking all their spare change

I too when I was younger made a will, saying who would get what even tho I was something like 10 at the time, what did i have to give away? I worry about fires aswell, and plan a way to get all my family out of the house and I used to think about what I would save if there was a fire and how I could use my window as an escape route if I could push my mattress outside and use that to break my fall. Night is one of the worse times for me, and it is getting much worse, it used to be just my light I made sure was off, but now I've started checking every light when i leave any room. I have to say 'I love you' to my parents just in case of the d word and i lie there in bed thinking what if something happens to me, and imagine how my parents converstaion would be, saying 'the last thing she said to me' but i have to come up with a reason for them speaking like this other than the d word, like I've left for school early and they haven't spoken to me yet. I also whenever talkin on the phone, at the end of the conversation with my mom, sometimes my dad, I always say, 'I love you' just incase something bad happens before they get home form work. I feel guilty if I don't because I think my parents are used to hearing it and would notice if I didn't say it and take that to mean I'm in a bad mood with them.

Beth

[Guest Brainstrain]

Beth I know exactly what you mean. I suppose the one positive thing out of all of this is that we only have these problems because we care too much and are too bothered about being good people! A little positive thought there!

Brainstrain

[Guest Beth]

we care too much and are too bothered about being good people!

I like that thought, thank you