an article I found helpful

[Guest Dennis912]

The Four Challenges of Recovery

What's it going to take to get better?

There are four challenges that lie in front of you as you begin to face your obsessions and compulsions:

Challenge 1:

Be determined to conquer this problem. This is a tough problem to overcome. You really need to spend some time making sure that you're ready and willing to go through short-term suffering for long-term gain. You need determination because you have to take the risk to experiment with behaviors that are totally opposite of what you would tend to do in these situations. You're going to have short-term doubts, and you have to be willing to overcome those short-term doubts and have a kind of faith in this approach.

The second challenge

as you begin is to gain the perspective that your worries are excessive, or irrational. The symptoms that your worries produce are so powerful and so disturbing that you get distracted by them and believe they represent true concerns. I am asking you to begin to practice a new belief, and it is this: when these obsessions occur, the content of the obsessions is irrelevant. It is meaningless, it is purposeless. Your obsessions represent an anxiety problem. The topic of your anxiety is not the issue, even though your anxiety leads you to believe that it is.

This is not an easy task to accomplish when you are dreading that you might pass on deadly germs, kill your own child or cause a terrible accident. Nonetheless, I am asking you to step away from those thoughts, to get perspective on them, and say, "Wait a minute, I have an anxiety disorder. What is an anxiety disorder all about? It's about anxiety, not about this content."

Try not to get into a battle of logic in your head. If you try to convince yourself of how illogical your worries are, you may become very frustrated, because you'll have a hard time being certain about anything. You'll always find a thread of doubt you can follow. So don't get caught in this trap of logic. Instead, keep stepping back mentally and saying, "I need to be addressing my anxiety, not this specific topic".

Your OCD is going to encourage you to do just the opposite. It's going to push you to think this is all about whether you really locked the door. Or it will get you to try to reassure yourself that you did actually make the appropriate decision. Or that you have not contaminated something. You'll work hard to get the right reassurance. And it's totally the wrong thing to be doing... You are falling right into the clutches of OCD. So this is a very important challenge to meet: address your symptoms of anxiety, not your fearful thoughts. Don't be fooled!

The third challenge:

Is as you begin: consider that ritualizing is not the only way to reduce your anxiety. Most people with this problem believe that if they don't ritualize, they will remain distressed forever. If you share this belief, you must be willing to challenge it in order to discover that there are other ways to reduce your distress. It will be extremely difficult to give up your compulsions unless you are willing to experiment with new behaviors. You need to be willing to explore options to ritualizing.

Do you remember the old joke of the guy who every morning gets up at 6:00 and stomps around the outside of his house. His neighbor finally comes out and says, "What in the world are you doing? Every morning, I look out my window when I'm fixing my breakfast, and there you are in your bathrobe stomping around the house." The guy says, "Oh, well, I'm keeping the elephants away."

"Elephants? There are no elephants in this neighborhood."

And the first man says, "See how well it works!"

So, he never challenges his belief. That's what people do. They say: "The ritual was the only way I could possibly have shaken loose of my terrible distress, and I need to keep using it."

To resist your compulsion is really a courageous thing to do. Because you are having to resist this powerful belief that something terrible is going to happen if you do.

The fourth and last challenge is:

decide to accept your obsessions instead of resist them. This is the toughest of all four, and it is the most important. This one is the basis of all the self-help interventions we'll talk about. Because the more you resist your obsessions, the stronger they become. It's as though your solution to the problem actually increases the problem. You resist the symptom, and it persists.

So you need a new inner voice that says, "It's OK that I'm obsessing right now." This is not saying, "it's OK in the next 20 minutes to do it"; it's not saying, "I'm going to continue to do it." But I am asking you to say, "It's OK that I just had that thought." I know that sounds like a crazy thing to say. You are trying desperately to rid yourself of these terrible thoughts, and I instructing you to accept them! Accepting the obsession generally looks like a bad idea to people.

But what's the other choice? The other choice is to say, "It's terrible that I had that thought." And what's the reaction that you're going to have physiologically when you make that statement? That statement's going to produce more anxiety.

I agree, of course, that the end result is to get rid of that obsession. That's everyone's objective. But the technique that you use and the end result are different. That's why it's called paradox, which means opposite of logic. And that's why you have to have faith. First, you're going to accept this obsession, and then you're going to manipulate it. Why are you going to do it in that order? Because that's how it works best. So there's a big, big leap of faith here when you accept your obsession. But if you will really dedicate yourself to experimenting with this approach for several weeks, I think you will discover its benefits.

Let's review these four challenges again, first with how people generally think about this problem, and then with how I am encouraging you to think as you begin your self-help program.

The first challenge: People say, "I'll always be controlled by this problem." You want to shift it over to, "I'm now determined to conquer this problem."

The second position is: "I believe my obsessional concerns are accurate." I want to shift that one over to: "My obsessions are exaggerated and unrealistic." The third one: "Rituals are the only way to reduce my distress." Shift that to, "there are other options to reduce my distress." The fourth one: "I must stop these obsessions" is the problem stance. Shift this to, "I accept these obsessions."

How would you apply this fourth challenge? When you begin obsessing and worrying, you typically react emotionally to those thoughts and images, by becoming anxious and afraid. That compels you to ritualize. The first place to start practicing is anytime you begin to obsess. Take that opportunity to focus on the idea of permitting the obsession to exist in that moment. Work on not being afraid of the obsession and not being mad at yourself that you just had the thought. Wouldn't that be great, to not get distressed at those momentary worries, to not think that they mean anything.

Let me tell you a story. When my children were infants, I would carry them in my arms as I walked around the deck of our home. Every once in a while, I'd stand at the railing, looking at the beautiful scenery out in the woods, and then I'd have this flash: I'd see myself accidentally dropping my child two stories down from the deck, and there she'd lie on the ground, dead. And then I'd see myself jump over the edge to kill myself out of my shame that I'd just killed my child. But I'd break my neck instead, and end up being humiliated and shamed for what I just did to my son or daughter.

And then I'd step away from the edge of the deck.

It was the same with my kids as toddlers. I'd be reading in the living room while one of my kids was playing in another room. Then I'd notice that all was quiet. On a number of occasions I would then think, "Oh, my God, he's swallowed a penny and he can't breathe, and he's passed out..." And I'd get up and quickly move to the other room to check on my child. There he'd be, quietly and safely drawing on the wall with crayons. Now, I'm sure I've have had those kinds of fantasies over 40 times. Each one took about two or three seconds, with slight variations.

What is the difference between what I experienced and what someone with OCD experiences? There are many similarities. The difference is not about the thoughts that we have but in how we interpret those thoughts and images. I would say, "I know what that's about, and that's no big deal." I'd say, "That's because I'm a new parent. It's my mind's way of reminding me that I need to protect these fragile children. I know I'm not really about to accidentally drop my kid."

People with OCD might say, "Oh, my God, I had the thought of killing my daughter? Why did I think that? I'm not sure I can trust myself. I might accidentally do that." They decide to doubt their ability to stay in control.

So this is where you begin in your self-help program. Confront your interpretation that the content of your obsessive thought means something terrible about you. I want you to downgrade each obsession to a kind of momentary glitch in your thinking. The thought doesn't mean anything. You had a fearful thought, and you got scared by it. That's all. When I saw in my mind the image of my child lying on the floor not breathing, I became momentarily scared, and my heart raced. That's an expected reaction. It's like sticking your finger in the wall socket and getting shocked. That's all it is. And that perspective is what you should work toward.

When you notice your obsessions, choose to have them. As soon as you choose to have your obsessions, they're no longer involuntary. Remember that the definition of an obsession includes that it is involuntary. So as you begin to accept your obsession, as soon as you choose to have it then that involuntary thought is now voluntary. And you've begun to change the nature of the problem.

This is the direction I am going to take in this self-help program. I am not asking you to stop obsessing right now, or to stop ritualizing. I am asking you to change some smaller components of the pattern. You're going to disrupt the pattern by various means. You're going to modify your obsession in little ways. You're going to add things to your ritual. In this way you can gradually learn about your ability to control your symptoms.

[Guest Dennis912]

Hi everyone,

This is basically what everyone tells everyone else to do! but for some reason when I read it written by a doctor instead of a friend It makes more sense to me

Strange HUH!

Dennis..

[Guest ocd13]

Hi Dennis,

It does make more sense, but probably because the way it was written was more step by step and it seems to be more of a guidance which we can go back to if need be.

It was also quite helpful, so thank you for posting it. It kinda made me think about re-evaluating my current most debilitating obsession.

It used to be that I would obsess that I didn't love the person I am seeing. That seems to have now shifted to another obsession that (see this is why it must be OCD - I can't even think how to explain this)... basically I have this constant nagging voice in my head telling me he isn't good-looking or that he's not the sort of person people would turn round and look at and say 'wow'. To be honest, I don't understand why this is a problem because I 'am' attracted to him and it's as simple as that. It doesn't (or shouldn't) matter if he's not of a particular look - if I am attracted to him, then that's fine. But that's why it causes me so much distress and my recent thread about perfectionism could maybe be contributing to this obsession as well.

Anyhow, at the moment I'm thinking:

"Hmmm he's not what someone would call drop-dead gorgeous, so does that mean he's not good enough, etc. etc." - and I don't 'want' to be thinking this but it just won't leave me alone.

So if the doctor is saying to change the way we look at it by disregarding what the content of the thought is because that's not the issue, then I guess the way I could re-interpret it would be as follows (erm this is hard, cos I guess this is one part of the acceptance):

"It's fine that my brain has noticed that he's not drop-dead gorgeous, but it doesn't mean that he's not good enough for me and instead it highlights my need for security"... (assuming insecurity is the issue here)...

...or something along those lines... is that right?? Actually thinking about it, the reason I could stress about these types of thoughts as well is because I have a fear of losing the one I love, etc. and so if I have a thought like that, it could mean that I risk losing him...

Erm not sure that works or makes sense... was flippin hard to write as well.

... Have also realised that this is harder than first thought... cos you can probably tell from what I've written that I am STILL actually obsessing about the content of the thought.

Arrgggh this is difficult!!

[Guest Smudger]

Miss '13,

I do that on occassion too, and like you I hate myself for it, but it's just our own insecurities. I think it comes from feeling so crappy about ourselves most of the time, that we want to do whatever we can to feel like we're 'winners', so we judge ourselves through the eyes of others, and that includes wanting to be with the kind of person that other people desire as well.

We're not doubting the person we're with-we know they're great, lovely etc-we're desperately trying to make sure we don't have another reason to feel badly about ourselves-and the superficial worries of society (looks are important etc) are magnified and cause us to torment ourselves further, by taking the focus away from ourselves and onto the one we love. I can't get accross what I mean-it's kind of 'we don't want others to judge us, so we automatically scan for ways that they might, and that by extension includes partners, clothes, cars etc...'

It means nothing though-everyone feels this way from time to time, just not everybody has ocd to turn it into a nightmare.

[Guest ocd13]

Miss '13,

LOL - you calling me Miss '13 brought a smile to my face!

I do that on occassion too, and like you I hate myself for it, but it's just our own insecurities. I think it comes from feeling so crappy about ourselves most of the time, that we want to do whatever we can to feel like we're 'winners', so we judge ourselves through the eyes of others, and that includes wanting to be with the kind of person that other people desire as well.

Do you really do that too? About your fiancee? I thought it was just me - nobody else seemed to really know what I was going on about...

We're not doubting the person we're with-we know they're great, lovely etc-we're desperately trying to make sure we don't have another reason to feel badly about ourselves-and the superficial worries of society (looks are important etc) are magnified and cause us to torment ourselves further, by taking the focus away from ourselves and onto the one we love. I can't get accross what I mean-it's kind of 'we don't want others to judge us, so we automatically scan for ways that they might, and that by extension includes partners, clothes, cars etc...'

It means nothing though-everyone feels this way from time to time, just not everybody has ocd to turn it into a nightmare.

32033[/snapback]

You know, I never ever thought of it like this...

[Guest Smudger]

Do you really do that too?  About your fiancee?  I thought it was just me - nobody else seemed to really know what I was going on about...

32047[/snapback]

I have done before, yes. I'm not proud of it, but it had absolutely nothing to do with her 'not being good enough', but more to do with my worrying about how people perceive me and what I've done with my life.

I think I can honestly say I've done it with every woman I've been with.

[Guest ocd13]

I think I can honestly say I've done it with every woman I've been with.

32048[/snapback]

That's another reason as to how I recognised it as being OCD - because I've found the same applied to practically every man I've been with too... apart from my last relationship because he actually 'was' a pretty boy so the OCD took a back seat in that department, although my last relationship had 'real' issues to deal with - we just didn't click personality-wise and it certainly didn't feel like a relationship. That's probably why OCD chilled - cos there was actually a real reason for why the relationship wasn't working.

[Guest Dennis912]

Hi 13,

Wow you guys like to write !! lol

Maybe your not ready for real commentment with this guy that you say isn't drop dead hot..maybe your scared to be alone - thats very common with ocd people

maybe you stay in the relationship cause you think, He has to stay with me no matter how screwed up I get because who else will he goto......I've been there

just a thought????

Dennis..

[Guest ocd13]

Hi 13,

Wow you guys like to write !! lol

Maybe your not ready for real commentment with this guy that you say isn't drop dead hot..maybe your scared to be alone - thats very common with ocd people

maybe you stay in the relationship cause you think, He has to stay with me no matter how screwed up I get because who else will he goto......I've been there

just a thought????

Dennis..

32125[/snapback]

Eeeek that really just set my anxiety off lol!!

I can actually stand up and say that I'm more than ready for commitment and it definitely isn't an issue of me being scared to be alone. I can't actually explain because it's a very very complicated situation I am in, and only a couple of people on here know the full story.

The point I was trying to make is that I have no doubt in my mind that I love him and could commit to him 100% if the situation was appropriate. I also know that I am attracted to him because I can think of other people who I could have opportunities with but there is no way in this world I could think of them in that way because I just don't fancy them. I also find myself not wanting to be with anyone else because they are not 'him'. Nope this is definitely a guy I could be very happy with if it were possible.

I have pretty much had this OCD issue with every man I've been with - same as Smudger has with his girlfriends. As far as I can see, it HAS to be OCD because I don't actually want to be thinking these thoughts and they bring immense anxiety when they do appear. Plus the fact, it's always pretty much the same thought no matter who I've been with - it's not any set reasons for not wanting to be with someone. When my thoughts don't come to the surface, I have so much peace of mind and really enjoy my time and life with this guy - I get so excited when I know I'm going to see him, and I believe that's the real non-OCD part of me.

Sorry, it's really hard to explain without divulging all the gory information...

And as before, I sure have written again! :hug:

Hope that makes sense?

Andrea

xx

P.S. This is my other reason for knowing it must be OCD - because I can think about it all rationally with no problem. It's just the niggly thoughts that just sit there in my brain that I wish would go away that I can't deal with.

[Guest ocd13]

maybe you stay in the relationship cause you think, He has to stay with me no matter how screwed up I get because who else will he goto......I've been there

Hi Dennis,

Just wanted to add as well that because of the situation we're in, there have been times when I have logically thought about ending the relationship (more because I have to rather than wanting to) - but never in my mind has it been about what you've said above (again, hard to explain without going into more detail). I've considered the situation I'm in with my head a hell of a lot, but as it stands at the moment, my heart is winning every time. I actually can't imagine ending it because I can't imagine not having him there in my life.

Also, I didn't get these thoughts in my last relationship, but at the same time, I knew deep down that it was more a case of what you mention above. In that case back then, I had actually come out of a very settled long-term relationship to be with my previous boyfriend and I just wasn't happy. That was def more of a case of being scared to be alone I think. To be honest, these obsessional thoughts only seem to get like this of late if I'm in a relationship that's really important to me.

Finally, I think the obsessional thoughts I get are actually to do with 'me', not with him. It's like each time I have gone into a new relationship I've literally sat down and thought to myself "hmmm I wonder how long it will be before these stupid obsessional thoughts start popping back into my head", and then usually because I've thought that, it's "hey presto" and so the anxiety starts all over again.

[Guest Dennis912]

Hi again,

I hope your not upset with me, I can't really tell from your post..

I didn't mean any disrespect - just trying to put my two sense in where i'm

sure it didn't belong..

I hope everyone has a happy relationship with whomever they choose..

I'm sorry if my post came off negative.

Dennis..

[Guest ocd13]

Hi again,

  I hope your not upset with me, I can't really tell from your post..

I didn't mean any disrespect - just trying to put my two sense in where i'm

sure it didn't belong..

I hope everyone has a happy relationship with whomever they choose..

I'm sorry if my post came off negative.

Dennis..

32230[/snapback]

Hi Dennis,

Course I'm not upset with you! What you said was a perfectly logical 'possible' explanation for someone to whom it applies. Unfortunately, my OCD stems off in all directions on this one - hence it being the most debilitating part of my OCD - because the slightest bit of doubt either from myself or someone else, fuels the anxiety even more and I then worry that it's not OCD after all and is in fact what I'm actually thinking.

My response wasn't personal to you - not at all, it was more me reassuring myself on paper by expressing my reasons as to why it 'is' the OCD.

Do not worry - these are the mental arguments I have constantly whizzing around in my mind even when I'm not paying attention to it. I guess I was just venting my fears and logical reasons that's all.

Andrea