Jump to content

Hurt by deception


Guest meg5

Recommended Posts

Just wondered how others would feel if their partners or others they live with attempted to deceive them with regard to activities which might be an ocd problem.

I have discovered that my husband has ( and has also involved his parents ) been doing something secretly that he knows I would have a problem with. It really hurts. Not what he is doing so much ( it is a contamination issue for me ) but the fact he feels the need to lie and I feel my efforts at cbt are not enough. I have been trying hard and this has shaken me. Perhaps I should just accept my ocd means I deserve to be deceived and lied to . Meg

Link to comment
Guest Dragonfruit

Hi Meg :thumbup:

Just wondered how others would feel if their partners or others they live with attempted to deceive them with regard to activities which might be an ocd problem.

32148[/snapback]

This def depends on how I'm doing at the time. Mostly though I work on the what-I-don't-know-can't-hurt-me when I can. Since I know (logically) that my contamination fears are irrational and whatever it is that my fiance has done has not worried him (and fortunately he does have very high standards of cleanliness) I figure that it must be OK.

It's hard sometimes but I try to view it as "good therapy"

There are times, however, when it really freaks me out and I go into overdrive to try to "amend" the perceived problem

I have discovered that my husband has ( and has also involved his parents ) been doing something secretly that he knows I would have a problem with. It really hurts. 

32148[/snapback]

Have you spoken to him about this - about how hurt you feel?

Not what he is doing so much ( it is a contamination issue for me  ) but the fact he feels the need to lie and I feel my efforts at cbt are not enough.

32148[/snapback]

I'm sure that the last thing he has wanted to do is make you feel bad - he probably just thinks he's helping you. I know that my Dad (who sees logic as an almost religion) finds it really hard to understand what I'm feeling and often tries to come up with logical solutions to the problem. He does it with every good intention but often the solutions are what I'd call "tricks". He suggests replacing my anti-bac with with regular soap in the hope that when I realise that it's just been a placebo that I'll realise that I don't actually need the anti-bac. He would never actually replace the stuff when he visits - but he suggests it because he wants to help me.

What I'm trying to get at (in a very muddled way) is that I'm sure your husband is trying in his own way to help you - nothing else.

Perhaps I should just accept my ocd means I deserve to be deceived and lied to . 

32148[/snapback]

Total nonsense - you deserve nothing of the sort. :thumbup:

Talk to your husband and try to explain how he has made you feel - I'm sure he'll be mortified.

Sounds to me that he's just not understood how you feel about stuff like this.

Link to comment
Guest Brainstrain
Just wondered how others would feel if their partners or others they live with attempted to deceive them with regard to activities which might be an ocd problem.

I have discovered that my husband has ( and has also involved his parents ) been doing something secretly that he knows I would have a problem with. It really hurts.  Not what he is doing so much ( it is a contamination issue for me  ) but the fact he feels the need to lie and I feel my efforts at cbt are not enough.  I have been trying hard and this has shaken me.  Perhaps I should just accept my ocd means I deserve to be deceived and lied to .  Meg

32148[/snapback]

Hi Meg

I suppose it depends on how serious it is but I know if my husband had been doing anything that he knew I would have a problem with I would be very angry and would have it out with him. Just because we have ocd doesn't mean that our feelings don't count and definately doesn't give people the right to decieve us.

Good Luck

Brainstrain :hug:

Link to comment

Hi Meg,

A couple of years ago, I had a set of car keys in quarantine - they were on a shelf and not to be touched. Tony was going to get my car and took the keys at which I was upset and told him he mustn't touch them. He then said that he'd been using them for ages.............

........I went ballistic; I felt so hurt and betrayed at the fact that he'd been using my keys and I didn't know and he knew how I felt about them.

So I really understand how you feel. I'm sure my husband wasn't doing it out of any malicious intent - he was horrified at how upset I was and that it had been him that had caused the upset. Likewise I'm sure your husband hasn't been doing it behind your back, for any other reason than he didn't want to add to your fears which you would have felt had you known (I think that makes sense).

Perhaps I should just accept my ocd means I deserve to be deceived and lied to

No it doesn't; I don't believe that having OCD means that you should be lied to or deceived.

It might be worth talking it over with your husband (if you haven't already) and let him know that his actions have left you feeling hurt and betrayed.

Take care, Meg

whitebeam

Link to comment
Guest harmony

I agree with everything what every body has said, on the other hand speaking from a partners point of view I feel that deception can often swing both way’s and is not always done out of malice but to a degree protection rightly or wrongly, I am sure many and I am not saying all suffers use deception for different reasons, I know that Sam (my partner) doesn’t tell me everything about her OCD or how she has faired during the day weather its cause she protecting me from seeing her in a emotional distressed state, weather its cause she thinks I will respond in a way that doesn’t help, weather its cause she feels she’s failed, she does this with good intent but it doesn’t always help with the way I support her.

Its can be frustrating rule to work to “Do has I say not Has I do” and what can be sometime seen has a double standard.

Just my personal view and may not apply to everybody or anybody and may be seen has unhelpful.

Sorry

Alan

Link to comment
Guest Baggins

Hi Meg,

I understand what you mean with this one. I can see both sides.

It is upsetting when I find out about things that bother me. But, at the same time, I have been told by several counsellors that my family shouldn't have to moderate their behaviour because of the OCD.

For example, they should keep doing 'normal things' and not change because of me and my worries. What is upsetting is that they often have to do these things 'in secret' for fear of worrying me.

Ironically this has been an issue this week. My dad booked in some work to be done on the house. I didn't know of the plans. When I did find out I went crazy and got very upset. In the end we did have to sit down and talk it all through.

I suppose families know they will upset sufferers if they are open. If they do tell us before doing something they know we could put a stop to normal living. So the easiest thing for them is to carry on regardless.

Take care

Baggins

Link to comment
A couple of years ago, I had a set of car keys in quarantine - they were on a shelf and not to be touched. Tony was going to get my car and took the keys at which I was upset and told him he mustn't touch them. He then said that he'd been using them for ages.............

Oh, Whitebeam, that's just awful. :omg: :omg: I know that horror feeling. It's like in the film Jaws when the camera zooms in on the policeman on the beach and everything else around him fades away! I would be devastated.

Hi Meg5, :wallbash: I think trust is the most important thing in a relationship and although he was trying to do it for the best he should have been honest with you. He just doesn't want to upset you any more I guess but I would definitely talk to him about it and explain how important it is to trust him to be honest with you no matter how bad it all is. I've often tried to protect my mum from not telling her stuff as she has contamination ocd but I've always gone ahead and told her stuff that I know will upset her but I know that if I were in that position I would want to know.

One time though I didn't tell her that I'd been on a train with someone with a Tescos bag (her phobia is all surrounding Tescos where she used to work and she finds everything associated with the shop dirty) and I know that she wouldn't have liked it, but I stayed away from the person. It also gives me an insight into how partners must feel when they come up against these kind of dilemmas and it's not an easy decision to make about whether to tell or not but I think it's definitely best to be open because our illness makes us doubt things all the time anyway, the last thing we need is a real logical reason to doubt if you see what I mean

Link to comment
Guest ScottOCDid

Hi Meg,

Perhaps I should just accept my ocd means I deserve to be deceived and lied to .  Meg

32148[/snapback]

Having OCD makes you a victim in itself; it doesn't require you to punish yourself further. I'm sure that your husband's and in-laws' actions are merely a result of a lack of understanding for the condition. Unfortunately, this seems to be a recurrent issue when it comes to loved ones. They'd no-doubt be shocked if they could see from your perspective just how upsetting it is.

Chin up.

Scott

Link to comment
Guest tangoblu

Hi meg,

I am a parent of a teenager with OCD, I just wanted to say that when our son was really suffering from anxiety related to small children, we avoided having anyone we knew with small children over to our house, avoiding going places where we might come into contact with small children, switched over on the TV when children came on.... etc etc

We thought that this was being kind to our son, helping him avoid getting anxious.

When we went to the Maudsley Hospital we were all told NOT to avoid children and it was at that point that I realised that we had been adding fuel to our son's fire by adapting our lives to fit in with the OCD.

The good news is that by confronting this fear our son has completely overcome that particular fear. He has found ways to deal with OCD fears, firstly by recognising that they are OCD and then by confronting them then realising that nothing bad will happen.

There are still times when he is tired or particularly stressed that the OCD takes a hold but he is learning ways to combat it.

I hope this helps.

Pam

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...