fear of having a baby

[Guest buttercups]

Hi guys,

I feel a bit weird typing this but i have to let it out!

I have this fear, that if i had a baby i would start getting intrusive thoughts of hurting it or something. its horrible. and i feel its going to totally ruin my chances of having a happy life!

I've also got this other fear (this is a sensitive subject) but if i had a baby and it died of cot death, i would get blamed for it. like the story in the news of that woman. and then my fear goes on further.. what if they didnt beleive me, and they looked at my medical records and saw the words "Obsessional Neurosis" and Panick Disorder" they would definelatly think i did it.

It's really disturbing. .. Its strange bacause when i was younger i always said i didnt want children, now as i'm getting older, 24 my body is starting to tell me i do! But my brain is saying something else! I'm just wondering if anyone else had these kind of thoughts? i feel quite isolated. and cant tell freinds just incase they think i'm mad! Am i juat being really paranoid?

:lol:

[Guest twoshoes]

Hi Buttercups,

Your post sounds like something I would have written myself. I can relate to every single part.

You know that this is the OCD talking and thats good.

I was in the middle of CBT when i found out that I was pregnant and I discussed how i was feeling with my psych. She explained that having OCD would not make me carry out the things that I feared.

If you are receiving treatment for your OCD talk to your health care pro about your fears. This is an important area of your life and even if you're are not looking to start a family right now wouldn't it feel good to have tackled that fear for when the time does come.

Whilst I was pregnant I had a constant gnawing anxiety that I didn't deserve to be happy and that something bad would happen.

When my son was born the first few months were horrid, i was constantly worring that I would have his bath to hot, drop him, put buttons or ribbon in his cot etc etc etc. I love my son dearly but I feel that OCD robbed my of those first few months of bonding, I was unable to enjoy it because i was in a near constant state of high anxiety. i wish that I had been in more control of my OCD before I fell pregnant but my son didn't like our 6 year plan and decided to gatecrash the party. We got married and move in together in the Oct I was pregnant by Christmas :omg:

I found that I worry about the what if something happened to him and I got the blame and then I would feel guilty for thinking about something happening to him and so time to get on aonther viscious cirle :lol: :lol: :lol:

I found it easier to allow other to take some of the strain, and if your folks are anything like mine there will be loads of grandparents, aunties just itching to get there hands on the baby.

OCD will not make you a bad, mother and if your doc, midwife etc ever tells you different then change them. There are many mothers on this board talk to them about it. Of the mothers that I respect and look to for advice all of them have areas in their parenting that makes them feel less adequate. parenting is all about guilt and with OCD it just makes it more feel more real.

The traits that effect your ability to be a good parent such as sense of humour, common sense, loving and a bad parent such as laziness, cruelty/neglect and indifference, are found in each and everyone of us in different proportions having OCD will not tip the balance, you are what you are.

You are worried about hurting someone that as yet doesn't exsist, you have shown how much you can care and because you know what you fear is wrong you worry.

I hope that I have shown you that OCD needn't stop you having the family you want, and if you get the right help and support you can have as much fun as the next person.

Take care

Twoshoes

[Guest cerenbrackston]

Dear buttercups;

I am not a mummy but i can share your ocd in someways..Cause i am married since 1.5 year now and in the future we would like to have a baby and i am worried about hows my pregnancy go bacuse so they says you will be so sensitive and sometimes anxiety...I have just suffering from it and if we plan baby i am 28 now and so they says by 30 having baby is easier but i am so tired from this depression even cant overcome it yet..

My hubby says to me all the time take it as it comes honey..

When the time is right for both of us we will think about pregnancy.. :lol:

we are strong dear we are going to be very good mummies Dear

Take care

xxxx

[Guest patsy]

Hi there,

This is my personal experience:

I have a 21 year old son. Before I had my son, 22 years ago, I suffered from the most horrendous 'anxiety' imaginable. Well, at the time I just thought it was anxiety as I never knew what OCD was. That was back in 1983. Looking back on it, it was definitely what I now know as OCD. Absolutely no doubt about it!

I used to have all these really strange and weird thoughts going around in my head that I could get no peace from at all. What if this, what if that, what if I do this, what if I do that, what if this or that happens to me. The list is endless. Some details I won't even go into just now, but it was really scary. I must point out that I suffered from this so called 'anxiety' before I became pregnant and it was probably made slightly worse by the pregnancy although this is not always the case.

Anyways, what I am trying to let you know is that even alhtough I suffered from this 'anxiety', which I now know for definite was OCD, after I had my son it was the most anxiety, OCD free time of my life for a long while. In fact if anything, having my son helped me with the symptoms tremendously.

Unfortunately, it has since returned many years ago but I wouldn't change the fact that I had my son for anything in this world.

Hopefully if or when you decide to go for having a baby I really hope you have the same experience as I had. Don't let OCD take the chance of you being a mother away from you. Don't let it win. If you try hard I'm sure you can beat it :lol:

You all take care now!

Love Patsy xx

[Guest alpha]

Hi buttercups,

I have this fear, that if i had a baby i would start getting intrusive thoughts of hurting it or something. its horrible. and i feel its going to totally ruin my chances of having a happy life!

Well done for writing on the board! I can understand totally where you are coming from. I had my daughter (now 8,5) before I knew I had OCD. My OCD really got progressively worse and I really worried about having another child, feeling worthy enough to have one, how I would cope, what about the OCD, etc. That is partly the reason we had a biggish gap between our two, parly for other reasons too. I thought long and hard about having another baby. But I decided (selfishly or unselfishly) to go ahead and have another child and my son is now 2. I will be very honest here and say that I was teetering on the brink of post-natal depression just after I had him, but it was actually also related to my OCD and my feelings of "I don't deserve this precious baby in my arms". I think, as Twoshoes has said, that having supoprt from others at this time is very important. My OCD did continue to get worse, but with self-help and treatment, I am the best I have ever been and enjoying my son growing up in a way I did not with my daughter. My OCD is directly related to my children, and I am coping quite well at the moment. Besides, what better exposure and anti-avoidance therapy can you get? :lol: :lol:

I've also got this other fear (this is a sensitive subject) but if i had a baby and it died of cot death, i would get blamed for it. like the story in the news of that woman. and then my fear goes on further.. what if they didnt beleive me, and they looked at my medical records and saw the words "Obsessional Neurosis" and Panick Disorder" they would definelatly think i did it.

There is lots of information available about cot death and how to take all the necessary steps, as far as possible, to prevent it from happening. Ultimately, this is just another "what if" OCD worry. How can you be sure this won't happen? Ufortunately, you can't. There is a chance this could happen, however remote, but it could happen to everyone that has a child. That's such a hard thing to deal with, isn't it? I would say though, that all the experts and professionals know that people with OCD are the least likely to act out their thoughts. There is overhwelming evidence for this and it is generally accepted to be the case. Also, have you actually been to see someone? I mean, have they written anything on your medical records, do you think?

I think the fact that you are actually even thinking about what type of mother you will be shows how much insight you have and that you will be a super, caring, amazing Mom. :lol:

Take care,

Alpha

[catherine]

Hi buttercups

I don't have children, but can understand where your'e coming from. The only thing I'd like to add to the other posts is that with OCD you are NEVER going to act out your intrusive thoughts or images. I've struggled with this worry for years and only now after years of being convinced by my psychologist, am I starting to believe that I'd never act on the thoughts.

Catherine :dry:

[Caramoole]

I would listen to Patsy on this one.

If OCD ever had a detrimental, regretful effect on my life, it was by choosing to not have children. As a Pure 'O' sufferer, I was petrified by having children in case they were in danger from me. At the time I had no knowledge of OCD at all, I thought I was nuts, pure and simple. I decided I was not fit to have a child. It wasn't true, as I've learned since.

I'm not saying it won't be without problems but my fears were unreal, if I had the knowledge I had now, I would have probably had a family, I just didn't know that then.

If you feel you want children Buttercups, don't allow OCD to prevent you..it can be dealt with......I didn't know that then. With the knowledge I have today my decision would have been different

[Guest alpha]

If OCD ever had a detrimental, regretful effect on my life, it was by choosing to not have children. As a Pure 'O' sufferer, I was petrified by having children in case they were in danger from me. At the time I had no knowledge of OCD at all, I thought I was nuts, pure and simple. I decided I was not fit to have a child. It wasn't true, as I've learned since.

I'm not saying it won't be without problems but my fears were unreal, if I had the knowledge I had now, I would have probably had a family, I just didn't know that then.

If you feel you want children Buttercups, don't allow OCD to prevent you..it can be dealt with......I didn't know that then. With the knowledge I have today my decision would have been different

Thanks for sharing that Caramoole, that's not easy to put down on the board for everyone to read.

I am so sorry that this was the case for you. It makes me feel humble and grateful for the children I have. Thank-you so much for posting, it helps me get things in perspective.

Take care,

Alpha

[Guest Sammyhostie]

Hi Buttercup

I know what you mean by your post. I was against having children until I met my partner, im now almost 25 and the clock does start to tick!

I just wanted to reassure you that when you do get pregnant dont worry. I was pregnant until a month ago when I unfortunately had a miscarriage, and i can tell you that although the OCD was still there, I have never felt as calm and complete as in those 10 weeks.

Whatever your OCD tells you to do, you wont do, honestly. You cant instinctively hurt someone who you have made, youre not a bad person, its just OCD. After I miscarried my OCD was telling me it was my fault, but thats just becuase it was trying to hurt me in the most painful way it could at the time.

Stay strong honey and if you feel the time is right for you to have children, go for it! I hope and pray that I get another chance to after my operation.

[Guest pippa09]

Dear Buttercup and' others', My wife miscarried our first child and that was where her ocd sprang from, she was always a bit of a checker but the miscarriagereally upped the anti although neither of us knew it at the time. She then became obsessed about falling pregnant while believing that she didn't deserve to have children. A couple of years later our first daughter was born (we have 3 kids now) and the ocd worsened and she developed post natal depression. We didn't seek help at that time, we did not know help was available and we didn't know what the problem was either. My wife missed our eldest daughters first six months putting me under tremendous strain. We coped. Later we had excellent help from psychologists and psychiatrists and now have three kids as I say. Having kids may or may not have an effect on your ocd. But don't let it put you off. As someone says on one of the other threads, something about regretting in twenty years time what you did not do as opposed to what you did.

All the best, Pip.

[Guest sylvia]

I hope you are feeling better my now. Don't let this ocd stuff ruin you having a baby and a happy life!!! I know how the thoughts can be but like all of us I am sure you are a kind loving woman and will be a wonderfull mother. Good luck to you!

[Guest iceberg]

Hi there

I have suffered from OCD ever since puberty at age 11 :mad: and one of the first things that set it off was holding a baby and worrying about dropping her. I didn't know I had OCD until I was 30, however the thoughts about harming 'innocent' people/children made me think I could never be a Mum.

I now have a wonderful 2 year old daughter, and whilst I won't pretend its been easy, I would never have gone for help had I not become pregnant. A lot of things in my life are much better than before and my daughter has given us so much love and joy. I know I am a good mother and probably more careful than a non-OCDer.

The most vital thing is to realise that there are so many people out there exactly like us - I had no idea of this until recently!

Take care

[Guest Brainstrain]

Hi all

I too have a fear of having a baby. It is wierd because it is the one thing I have always wanted ever since I can remember, but now I know that the time is here and my ocd is nice and ripe I am too scared and don't feel I can. It is the thought of changing nappies and bathing and stuff that bothers me, having a baby in that vulnerable position, either people might accuse me of doing things to it or that my ocd will try to convince me that I have done things to it. I suppose the only option is to always have my husband or someone there when I am doing those things so that I can check that I haven't done anything wrong although of course that isn't always possible. It's definately a tough one for me and it is making me put up a guard of thinking that I just don't want kids but I know it's what my husband wants more than anything.

Brainstrain

[Guest buttercups]

Hi guys,

I feel a bit weird typing this but i have to let it out!

I have this fear, that if i had a baby i would start getting intrusive thoughts of hurting it or something. its horrible. and i feel its going to totally ruin my chances of having a happy life!

I've also got this other fear (this is a sensitive subject) but if i had a baby and it died of cot death, i would get blamed for it. like the story in the news of that woman. and then my fear goes on further.. what if they didnt beleive me, and they looked at my medical records and saw the words "Obsessional Neurosis" and Panick Disorder" they would definelatly think i did it.

It's really disturbing. .. Its strange bacause when i was younger i always said i didnt want children, now as i'm getting older, 24 my body is starting to tell me i do! But my brain is saying something else! I'm just wondering if anyone else had these kind of thoughts? i feel quite isolated. and cant tell freinds just incase they think i'm mad! Am i juat being really paranoid?

34278[/snapback]

:tongue: Thanks to everyone for replying. i'm not seeing a therapist for fear of making my medical records look worse than they already do! :huh:

And at present i cant afford to pay for private. one day hopefuly. I have had therapy in the past but nothing specifically for OCD. I'm self-diagnosed! And i've taken Antidepressants in the past of which i dont really want to take anymore.

Its so weird how the thoughts make me feel like i'm a awful person, who doesnt deserve to have kids. i think things like 'what if i dont feel love for my baby, what if i cant bond' like i've got post natal depressions before i've even begun! I think my fear also stems from my mother, who was cruel to me at times when i was a child. I hope I can work this out. It only pops ups when i think about having kids. the thing is i've always said i dont kids, just now my freinds are having them its making me think, which then brings on the fears and anxiety. :crybaby:

My boyfreind doesnt know my thoughts, and he wants lots of kids! and i'm not sure he would understand about my fears. And i dont want to tell him.

Anyway, i'm going on!

Thanks once again. it was nice to know there are others with similar fears.