So scared

[Guest Brainstrain]

Hi

Before you start reading this I want to let you know that it is probably pure reassurance I'm after and I know that's naughty and also I know a lot of you might think I'm evil for what I write too but I need to get it out as I've now woken up two mornings in a row and countless times before with the torturrous fear eating away at me.

About six years ago when I was 17 and my ex had dumped me for the first time, I inadvertantly had a bit of a fling with an older married man - whose wife was even pregnant at the time (God I hate myself) - it was all very clear that it was no strings and he made me swear never to tell anyone etc etc. In his line of work he did meet loads of young girls though and I don't imagine I was the only one.

Well obviously I regret this so much it is unbelievable and now don't believe I deserve to be happy with my own husband and I think it is only fair that he should go off with someone else to get me back for what I've done, although my ex did twice so maybe that was my punishment I'm not sure.

I now though have the unbelivably true fear that in a fit of conscience the married man will confess to his wife and she will hunt me down and kill me. I have given my mum strict instructions not to tell anyone where I live if someone turns up on their doorstep asking and had to make her promise this.

The other thing is that quite a while after my ex and I got back together I felt the enormous need to confess to him and did. He was fine about it at first as we had been apart but then said things about 'getting him' which he never did in the rest of the 4 years we were together and as far as I know in the 3 years we've been apart, but for some reason I'm thinking about all that 'revenge is a dish best served cold' saying and thinking that he might do it now and then the wife would definately find out and then she would come and kill me, or my ex would just come and kill me for doing it in the first place.

I'm moving soon and am paranoid that people - landlords and stuff - will ask for a forwarding address and I can't possibly give them one because people might pretend to be my friends and ask for it and then I wouldn't be safe in my new house and we wouldn't be able to afford to move again for about 5 years. I am so scared I feel like someone is after me all the time, if it isn't this scenario it's something else, I just want it to stop and to not be in constant fear but short of rounding up everyone I've ever met and tellilng them my whole life story to see if they kill me there and then I don't know how to stop the uncertainty. I don't even really feel completely secure with my husband being with me because I feel it is my responsibility to look after him and that I have somehow put him in a position of danger by being with me.

I'm sorry to bother you with this when it is my fault I'm in this position anyway. I am not religious but I have even considered going to confession to see if that helps but I don't know how to go about it. Last night I actually wondered if it would be better to be dead so that the uncertainty would be gone and no one could kill me. - Sorry to be dramatic - I just wanna stop the world and get off.

Brainstrain

[Guest Deb]

Hi,

I wish I had the words to make you feel better, but as you know there aren't any.

Anxiety, fear and doubt are eating away at you and your going to wear your self out if you don't start fighting back. What has happened in the past is gone. It's history. Let it go. I know thats easy for me to say, but you know already that fighting back is the way forward. Concentrate on the good things in your life now because you DO deserve them.

Talk with someone you trust if you think it would help to make you feel better.

Take care,

Deb

[whitebeam]

Hi Brainstrain,

First, just to let you know I don't think you're evil for having a fling with someone; I'm sure most of us have got some type of skeleton in our cupboards. I know I have .

What has happened in the past is gone. It's history. Let it go.

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I totally agree with what Deb has said. It is the past you can't change it.

Guilt is a very difficult emotion to deal with and can mean getting past actions out of all proportion, but let it go now; I'm sure you've punished yourself enough.

Take care

whitebeam

[Guest Sammyhostie]

Ive got a massive skeleton in mine, which resulted in my now almost husband, weve all been there i think hun xx

[Caramoole]

It's just OCD ruminating about the guilt. You can't change the past but you can change the future. This is like any other false thought caused by OCD and you have to keep on relabelling it.

You aren't in any real danger, honestly. As Deb says you need to fight back and say to Hell with it.

You'll be fine

[Guest Smudger]

Hi Brainstrain

Please stop torturing yourself over this-I've done pretty much the same thing, and although I'm not proud of it (and it's caused me to feel the way you are now in the past) what's done is done. No one is going to come looking for you, and no one is going to kill you-besides, it was six years ago and the guy made you swear not to tell anyone-hardly seems likely that he'd be the one to spill his guts. Even if your ex did, how credible would that be? Most people would see it as him being bitter and wanting to cause trouble for you-after all, if he was really that bothered by it he would have done something about it already.

I know you feel bad, but the ocd is taking this to the next level-making you imagine all these revenge scenarios which have zero chance of happening. Concentrate on the future-what's done is done, and it's nothing you need to be afraid of.

Take care.

[Guest Brainstrain]

Hi guys

Thank you for your support. I just can't help feeling so guilty. But then I think well since it happened I have had two epileptic fits - out of nowhere - had to stay in hospital and stop driving for a year, and my dear nan who I loved more than anything died so maybe I have been punished for it. But then I think well did my evil deeds cause all this and am I responsible for my family's pain over my nan's death? I know this is a stupid thing to think but I can't help it.

And also I know deep down that it is an irrational fear that someone is going to hunt me down and kill me but then I think that if I let my guard down and stop worrying about it then it will happen, like me worrying about it is somehow gonna stop it happening!

I'm sorry, your replies have been so positive and here I am still being miss negative but I can't help it!

Brainstrain

[Guest Smudger]

Hi Brainstrain.

I know how hard it is to see the positive to anything when ocd has its claws in you, but try and look at this situation as though it's me with this worry, and you are the one giving advice. Would you honestly believe that my epilepsy and my nans death were a punishment for my 'evil deed'? Of course you wouldn't-you'd see that I was just having a bad time with my ocd-you wouldn't even see my 'evil deed' as an evil deed, you'd just see it as something that happened.

You haven't been punished, because there is nothing you've done that requires a punishment. You're a lovely, caring person, and the ocd knows this which is why its so easy for it to make you believe the worst of yourself.

Take care, keep posting!

[Guest Deb]

hiya

Sorry your still feeling bad hun. Try to focus on where you go from here and not on punishing yourself. It happened, i'ts gone, maybe you should work on some way of making your peace with that. We all do things we wish we hadn't, but torturing yourself won't change anything for anyone and quite frankly, you don't deserve it. Holding on to all this pain will only affect your future, it won't change your past. Think about ways to move forward. This is the only direction we can go.

Take care of yourself

Best wishes

Debx

[Guest Brainstrain]

Thanks Smudger and Deb,

I know you are right deep down and I have had a couple of drinks now (naughty I know) which have calmed me down. I just pray that I don't wake up with this again in the morning, do you ever get to the point where you don't see how you can carry on with life as normal?

Brainstrain

[Guest David Veale]

I'm sorry if I'm responding to too many posts as I have just read them and can't resist.

I think the issue is your demand for certainity about the future. Many people with OCD believe that they need to know for certain that something bad will not happen. Others believe that they are unable to cope with unpredictable change or ambiguous situations and want a guarantee that nothing will change for the worse. A desire for certainity is the ultimate insurance policy in OCD and usually means thinking that if you try hard enough and do more rituals and get more reassurance or review things enough in your head then you can be more certain. The reality is that trying harder to know for certain usually increases doubts and the feeling of uncertainty. Indeed, there are only two guarantees in life - death and taxes. There is one further guarantee. It is whilst you try to demand certainty in your life, then you are guaranteed to be distressed and have OCD for the rest of your life. A good analogy is the amount you are prepared to spend on an insurance policy for giving your self “peace of mind”. All insurance policies have exclusions – for example what are termed “acts of God” like having a virgin birth. By taking out such a policy, you could feel that you are reducing your risk and increasing certainty in protecting yourself. However you are more likely to be paying out an extremely high premium to cover such acts and the insurers will be laughing all the way to the bank. Reducing risk and doing compulsions in your head to make you feel more certain has a cost (for example the time involved and lost productivity) and has the paradoxical effect of increasing doubt.

What you describe in your life in the past is very normal - and you may now end up avoiding life because of it. Move on, refocus attention on what's happening now and act in your valued directions and what's really important to you in your life (as whilst you focus on this issue you can't). If you can't cope, please do get help and find an accredited cognitive behaviour therapist on www.babcp.com

David Veale,

[Guest Brainstrain]

Hi David

Thanks for your answer. I am seeking help but as I can't afford to pay anyone I am on the NHS waiting list to see a psychotherapist which I've been told is going to be about a year! Nevermind, at least I have this site and my herbal calming tablets! Thanks for the advice, easier said than done but I know it makes sense!

Brainstrain

[Guest hayley73]

Hi Brianstrain

Stop punishing yourself. What is past is past. Thats the trouble with OCD a lot of it is centered around feeling guilty. You can't change the past, so look forward to your future. You deserve happiness. You mention you are on the waiting list for a Psychotherapist, are you on any perscribed medication? While I believe that the herbal remedies are good I think something perscribed by your GP for your OCD could prove beneificial while you are waiting for your appointment. Might make you feel calmer and in turn you can think things through logically. Hope this helps. Please check though about using herbal remedies and prescribed medication together.

[Guest JohnM]

Hi BrainStrain,

What everyone is telling you is correct, but I know it i so difficult to let it go. But it can be done. I was very recently diagnosed with OCD, after 17 years. One of my coping strategies was visiting prostitues. I felt enourmous guilt which my OCD fed on.

I have now told my wife (of 28 years) and we are fighting this together. Please let the guilt go.

:crybaby:

[Guest Deb]

Hi Brainstrain, just wanted to say, hope your feeling a bit better today. :crybaby:

Also wanted to say hi and welcome to JohnM :huh:

Deb

[Guest Brainstrain]

Hi all thanks for your replies they have made me feel a little better. Hello to JohnM thanks for sharing your story.

While I believe that the herbal remedies are good I think something perscribed by your GP for your OCD could prove beneificial while you are waiting for your appointment. 

Unfortunately I can't have meds because I had two fits years ago and apparently AD's can lower a persons threshhold to fits! So my doctor is reluctant to put me on any.

Thanks again

Braisntrain

[Guest JohnM]

Hi to Brainstrain and Deb. Thanks. I am finding OCD-UK has been a very positive experience and I am finding it helpful at a difficult time in my treatment. I am undergoing CBT and individual work with a therapist from the Priory in Glasgow and it is hard an painful.

cheers everyone.

John

Hi Brainstrain, just wanted to say, hope your feeling a bit better today.

Also wanted to say hi and welcome to JohnM

Deb

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