What kind of a person am I?

[Guest Beth]

I had a really bad day today, my own fault and I just want to fall asleep dreaming and never wake up.

We were in history and the guy who made my life hell for a while had left the room as had the teacher. Me and this guy have only just begun speakin again on my half. I told my mate how i snoop with my sis on my brothers phone because we think he skips uni and his txts say so. I then pointed out as a joke how this guy had left his school planner. She was like oh read it and I said no, but she kept sayin go on he won't know, so I got it, but he came back and saw me put it back and totally lost it and had a go at us. Rightly so it was the stupidest thing I've probably done. I hate myself completley and the other girl feels bad too. I really can't believe I did it, I invaded his privacy I'm such a bitch for it even though we never meant any harm I hurt him and now we won't talk again (which admittedly doesn't bother me) but I hate myself for it. I was immature and like a teenager for the first time at school, I acted like a teenager and tried to have a laugh and look where it got me. I don't act like that and now I won't again.

To make matters worse a friend found something out about another friend because of me. So now I'm pretty sure I'm a horrible friend. I really hate myself at the moment. The ocd is ruining school for me, I was making notes no one else would see and still I had to re-write stuff and I was using a pencil so I could rub out, and the rubber was on top of the pencil, and was completley gone by the end and there were holes in my paper where I'd rubbed out over and over again. I'm scared of writing because I know it will turn into a hellish cycle.

I feel like my life is a waste of space at the moment, I really hate myself to the point where I did something unlike me, after the incident I started scratching my arm and I have sharp nails and my skin is now red and raised there. Thats not me, and I want to cry but still can't, I haven't cried in months no matter how much I want to. That guy was right to tell me to kill myself, I should, I feel like everyone would be happier without me, not that they'd even notice.

I just wish I could go back in time. He hates me, my friend probably hates me, and I hate me. I'm not a great person, I'm a sh** one and I don't want to see anyone again, I even thought about a way to runaway, who to go to, how to fund it and that way my family wouldn't have to put up with me and no one at school would have to see me again. I should just dig a hole and disappear into it.

The only time I don't hate myself is when I'm asleep and forget what I've done. I know everyone will judge me when they find out, and I don't want to face that, I don't want to face humans, I want to stay in my room forever, with the blinds down and the door shut, shut away from the world I'm so scared of. God damn it why can't I cry, I need to, I'm desperate to feel the tears on my face. All this on the day I choose to give up coca-cola in a bid to lower my anxiety.

Beth

[Guest Tulsas]

Beth,don't knock yourself or put yourself down.ocd has this effect on people.fearful,worthless,tired,scared are just a few of its weapons..you will get over this phase in your life I can promise you...tell you what...let me know how you feel about the situation your in, in a about 6 months time.I bet everything will be different...you wait and see

[Guest Muse_Man]

Beth,don't knock yourself or put yourself down.ocd has this effect on people.fearful,worthless,tired,scared are just a few of its weapons

Beth, Tulsas is right a lot of your anxiety you are experiencing is being made worse by OCD. I know with the life situation you have at the moment that things are tough at school and stuff, we all go through it and some worse than others, but it is very important that you start to slow down your anxiety as it seems is becomming unbearable for you....easy said than done...which I can completely understand. Its not easy coping with OCD in at this stage in your life, at school n stuff, some people your age unfortunately wont be as undersatnding as most adults.

I can say here you'll pull through, you definitely will, and you will become a stonger person! Focus on positive things you have or find something positive to do day to day.

To make matters worse a friend found something out about another friend because of me. So now I'm pretty sure I'm a horrible friend.

Its seems to me, like myself that you are overanalysing things way too much, you are trying to make sense of things (rationalising) which are unexplainable. This only leads to more anxiety and this will keep driving you around and around this OCD cycle you are experiencing. Thats how it works and you have to find a way to get out of this cycle, and maybe yourself or other people can suggest how you do that and relax from the anxiety. Do you talk people you know about your worries?

Look come on what youve down is not a bad thing or cruel act, it may play on your guilt concious, but your not a bad or horrible person!

Hope things get better for you, :crybaby:

Stuart

[Guest Tommo]

Hi Beth,

I just want to reiterate what stuart said, you haven't done a bad thing or cruel act, the OCD is trying to make you dwell on it. I dwell on things that everyone else has forgotten about, it's just that our OCD makes us think a situation is worse than it is.

Keep posting, you'll be ok

Take care

Tommo :lol2:

[Caramoole]

Now come on Beth, (Caramoole adopts cross voice) :crybaby: You need to put this into perspective, you looked at the lads school planner, not his diary containing his deepest secrets. Okay, you shouldn't be going through his things, you know that and now you're punishing yourself because of it but it's not a megga misdemeanour, planes aren't going to fall out of the sky because of it.

Your OCD is ruminating about it and you're churning thoughts around over and over until they're not really real or relevant at all. They've become completely distorted from the real event. That's what OCD does but you've got to fight it back, THIS IS OCD, combined with depression, anxiety and teenage all at one go, it's a pretty strong concoction you know.

Running away doesn't help, and instead of your family 'putting up' with you (as you put it) you'd drive them insane with worry as well

I'm pretty sure I'm a horrible friend (second guessing)

I know it will turn into a hellish cycle (fortune telling)

Everyone would be happier without me (catastrophising)

He hates me, my friend probably hates me (fortune telling)

I know everyone will judge me when they find out (fortune telling)

CBT would be teaching you to look at the thoughts/language that you are using and challenge those thoughts. Even though it feels that way right now, you've got to try and identify false thinking, OCD/Depression talk, because that's what it is Beth.

Please be kind with yourself young lady, you wouldn't be this harsh on someone else. Now go and have that Coke...beggar the caffeine for now

[Guest Beckett93]

Hi beth and I'm very sorry you had such a bad day. Please follow caramoole's advice, it is just terrific from top to bottom. You aren't a bad person. You are a good person who is just suffering from OCD. It is hard at time, I know, but you can feel better and I hope you do feel better soon

[Guest Brainstrain]

Hi Beth,

I have been in your position many a time when I have accidently let something slip to anothe person about someone else and when my OCD gets hold of that it makes me think that I have just done the worst thing in the world, that there isn't anything worse I could do, but this simply isn't true! There are many things you could do that are worse than what you did, but someone with OCD could never do them because as you know we punish ourselves so much even for little midemeanors nevermind anything major! You are being far too hard on yourself. You have done things that any normal person does millions of times in their life, it's just the OCD trying - and succeeding - to make your life hell. There is a positive side to this, can you imagine how peaceful and nice the world would be if everyone was this sensitive and felt tremendous guilt over tiny little things they had done? If everyone had OCD, no one would ever be able to kill or majorly hurt anyone! Anyone else see where I'm going with this one???!!!

brainstrain