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Jealousy


Guest tizzkins

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Guest tizzkins

Hi everyone i do realise i am probably jumping away from the ocd topic

with this one but i am not so sure the two arent connected somehow. I

have some very good friends especially here on the group but one

friend who i meet regularly is Julie she has ocd too and has always

understood me and what i go through in fact i would say she probably

knows me better than i know myself.

Anyway we both have a mutual friend who cant really be bothered to

keep in touch really but Julie manages to contact her. To me if

someone wants to be friends with you surely it should be a two way

thing, i had got so fed up of the being the one to contact Hazel all

the time without her contacting me i got fed up. A week ago Julie

invited me out to lunch with Hazel and i refused by saying that if

Hazel couldnt make the effort with me then i had other things to do

than keep chasing her up.

Julie was upset with me over this, but we went out to dinner last

night just me and Julie and had a heart to heart, which ended with me

being in tears. I really thought Julie thought i was a good friend

but it seems i am no better a friend to her than this Hazel, now i

hope you are all still keeping up with this, i felt very hurt that

Julie felt she could class us together like this. I even said to

Julie that i was jealous of Hazel and when me and Julie met i wanted

it to be "our time". Anyway i feel very hurt about all of this but

Julie said she doesnt compare her friends and never thinks more of one

than the other. Am i alone then in thinking the way i do, because to

me i have friends but some are more special to me than others not just

with how much they keep in touch with me although this is important

but also by how they take the time to pick up the phone, make

arrangements to meet. I think that friends should get together, life

is all too short. How do i move on from this, after thinking that i

was someone special to Julie only to find out now that she doesnt

treat me any diffently to any of her other friends who cant be

bothered to keep in touch. I know as i am typing this it all sounds

very petty but i am hurt and i really dont know how to move forward

with this or even if i want to keep seeing someone who is not really

who i thought they were. If anyone is thinking anything else at this

point there is absolutely nothing sinister going on here we are just

friends, but even from time to time friends need a hug and i did ask

Julie for a hug and she refused. Is it me do i expect too much. Am i

a total loss when it comes to friends, i want people to like me for

who i am but this doesnt really seem possible somehow as a lot of my

so called other friends deserted me when the ocd got too confusing for

them to handle which is another reason Julie is important she stood

by me. Thanks for reading this as i realise it is a long one but for

those of you who know me know that from time to time i get like this

and just pour my heart out.

I just find it very hard to tell what is ocd thoughts and what is just my personality.

Love to you all

Liz xx

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I think relationships - friendships can be difficult to always keep in perspective. At one time, a certain thought or word might provoke one sort of reaction, and at another, a completely different feeling.

I have 3 people that I would consider my best friends. Two live nearby - though they don't know each other and one lives a long way from here and I've known her for years.

To two of them I am more like Hazel - always meaning to call but never quite getting round to it, so inevitably they phone me; the other one, I nearly always call her.

I get on with all of them well and the fact of whether I make the first call or whether they do doesn't seem to be a problem.

I don't know how I would feel if we all met up.......I think I might find it difficult.....I don't know whether this means I am a bit possessive over them??? I think I wouldn't like to have to 'share' these friends.

I do know that for a lot of the time I have had OCD I have been very lonely - largely of my own making - I don't like people to come to my house, certainly not just to drop in.....it might not be clean enough here; they might want to use the loo which would cause me anxiety.

My psychologist said she thought I was lonely - I didn't like to be thought of as that, so I didn't really go along with her on that. However now I know she was right

and it's only since meeting my newest friend who lives nearby and we meet several times a week that I realised how lonely I was and also how special her friendship is to me (because I don't want to go back to being lonely).

I don't think what I've said here is really that useful as a reply - it's just the way I see my different friends. I like them equally, but know them differently and probably need and provide different things to them and from them.

Anyway, I've burbled on a bit. Hope you soon feel happier about your friends - all friendships have their ups and downs and little misunderstandings but with real friends you are able to overcome these.

Take care

whitebeam

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Guest tizzkins

Hi Whitebeam many thanks for your reply. You have helped, especially when you said about maybe being a bit possessive over your friends and the fact that you wouldnt really like to "share" them. This is me down to a tee. I do wonder if the ocd is a connection or totally irrelevant in this way of thinking. Whichever i am glad i am not on my own with this way of thinking. Once again many thanks.

Regards Liz x

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Guest lilyelspeth

Hi tizzkins. I can definitely relate to the jealousy/possesiveness that you are feeling. I lost a really great friend because of it. Sometimes I think that I should be able to control it because I recognise the problem, however, having OCD is a big control issue so I think that is why many of us deal with this.

It's so hard to deal with this, I know, but I was finally lucky enough to find a best friend a few years ago whom I don't know I could live without. Hang in there!

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I don't think that it's particularly an OCD problem, except that you probably ruminate about it, playing it over and over in your mind, that's OCD.

I think in truth, everyone is a bit posessive, everyone wants to feel that they are special, I think that's human nature. Julie sounds as though she is actually ideal, that she does treat people equally and says what she believes, rather than what she thinks you would 'prefer' to hear, it's both honest and probably admirable....just not what you want to hear :thumbup:

So, what am I saying :thumbup: I suppose, don't spoil this friendship by being posessive and try to treat the ruminations like any other OCD symptom...and don't beat yourself up about it, there are probably more people react like you than don't.

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Guest Brainstrain

Hi Liz

I think I have the same problem as you with friends. Although it is not so bad now because I seem to have the opposite problem where I can only cope with having one close friend at a time so others seem to get a bit pushed out which is wierd. But if that close friend mentions other friends, although I won't instinctively feel jealous, it's like my brain is saying, 'ooh, another friend, aren't you jealous?' then I feel myself making a conscious effort to sound not jealous, for instance when we meet up making a point of seeming inerested in the other friend, asking about how they're getting on with a problem they were having or something like that even though I've never even met them!

I have begun to accept now that people have different friends and each one has their own individual qualities etc.

Good luck

brainstrain :blushing:

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Guest tizzkins

Thanks everyone who replied i have taken on board things people have said. On one hand it is quite reassuring that others are or have been in the same situation as me, Brainstrain i can relate to you perfectly well, and i really understand when you say about the jealousy, and then trying to hide the jealousy by asking about the other friend who as you say you might not even know. On the hand Carmoole really helped as well by saying that just because we dont always like what we hear its probably best to have a friend who will tell things to you straight rather than agree with you just to keep the peace. You do need honesty in any friendship and that is what Julie gives me so at the end of the day i should be grateful.

Take care everyone and thanks for helping me see both sides of a situation again.

Liz x

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