Suicide Fear - always the same

[Guest katy_girl28]

I have never posted before.

I have a phobia of suicide and its with me all the time. I see from some other posts that I am not alone in this. Its a nightmare!!

DOes anyone else get the feeling that they are doing things for the last time, or that there is no point in doing stuff as I might kill myself next week.

Its the craziest obsession and I just dont understand it. I do not want to die and death is probably my biggest fear. But this darn obsession just keeps coming back. Its like I ask myself "do you want to kill yourself today"? and most of the time I just talk back and say of course not, I love living, but there are the days when I think its a good idea.

Its all mad. Even when I am not obsessing about that, i have this feeling of dread over me and I know its related to the obsession.

Any insights greatly received.

Also thanks to everyone who posts here it has given me hope on many occasions.

K

xx

[Caramoole]

I do not want to die and death is probably my biggest fear.

35922[/snapback]

...And that's exactly why OCD has picked on this area

It generally goes along the lines of.....but what if I lost control, what if I lost my mind, what if I couldn't stand this any more, what if I did this and didn't mean to, other people do so what if I became like that as well....and then to put the icing on the cake you generally open a newspaper or turn on the TV and there will be something about suicide.

The hardest thing to explain is how you deal with it. Generally (and it sounds a bit blase) you have to lose your fear of dying...sort of think, okay, if I do, I do and then it generally loses its grip.

What we tend to do is think 'OH MY GOD, I mustn't think that thought', then you go back into the constant mental reassurance....I wouldn't do that because....X,Y & Z.

OCD is a bit like a flame, keep chucking fuel on and it blazes more and more, starve it of oxygen and it dies away.

I think Pure 'O' fears are very difficult to deal with, it's not like preventing a compulsion. As I said to someone the other day, it's a bit like one of those magic eye pictures, where you've got a picture made up of little ones and if you stare into the picture in a particular way, suddenly this 3D image springs off the page. For about 3 years I looked at those things and could see nothing that others could see. Then one day I must have managed to follow the instructions and Zap, it all sprang into place. Trying to shut the 'Chatterbox' in your brain's a bit like that.

The best thing I can say is try not to get into debate with the thoughts, don't react, just let them be there and that's when they fade.

Good Luck

[Guest Steviemfc]

Hi Katy,

Welcome to the board.

You are certainly not alone with the suicide thoughts. I too have had them on and off for several years now, mostly when my OCD is at it's worst.

I would constantly obsess about how I could kill myself quickly and the more I thought about it the more and more worried I got.

I also got intrusive images of how I would do it (I'll spare you the detail but you could imagine the type of thing!!)

As you say, deep down you know that you love living and that you would never want to do anything like that, so when you get the suicidal thought, just think of what your views are when you are thinking normally andtry and dismiss the thought as OCD.

Take care

Stevie

[Hurting]

I've had suicidal thoughts too and like Stevie I tryed to plan the quickest way to do it which would panic me more because I knew deep down that I didn't want to die.

Sorry to repeat what everone else has said but it has helped me. Whenever I thought about it I tryed to let it fade away and continued doing something totally different to help forget. It's helped me alot.

Love

Gayle

xoxox

[Guest ScottOCDid]

Hi Katy,

to the board as the author of a thread!

... death is probably my biggest fear.

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Well, that's your answer. It may well seem like a crazy obsession that you don't understand but you've hit the nail on the head with the above remark. OCD could also be named "take the thing that you fear the most and beat yourself up about it 24/7 disorder"... but then "Take The Thing That You Fear The Most And Beat Yourself Up About It 24/7 Disorder - UK" just wouldn't be such a catchy name for the charity!

Take care,

Scott