I hurt myself

[Guest raindancing]

I used to self-harm a while ago but hadn't as my depression and OCD got alot better. Now I am very depressed again and my OCD is back and it's gone the direction of Pure 'O' type stuff now, so my head is full of bad thoughts.

One of them is the constant urge to cut myself or images of that nature. I found if I do it, the thought goes away.

The self harm is not just OCD reaction thought, sometimes I feel like a bad or useless person who is boring and annoying to everyone including myself and I deserve it. Other times, the reason is cos I feel so low and numb and disconnected from myself I do it to feel something other than nothingness,

I guess it was a combination this week, I am disappointed in myself, and the thoughts about it are never far away, it's weird, there is satifaction in doing it but not later on.

I have told a friend online about the horrible sexual 'urges' my OCD is making me thik about family members or people I don't even think are attractive or MEN (I am REALLY gay!!!)

I wish I hadn't now cos I am obsessing over the fact she thinks I am a dirty freak and is secretly thinking badly of me and pretending she's not bothered etc. A bloke in the pub I work in was talking to my 6 yr old daughter and my girlfriend and the longer he was there the more paranoid I was getting, thinking he was a paedophile or gonna kiss my girlfriend etc, I couldn't stop thinking of those things, it made me feel so bad and moody.

I hate myself for cutting again, but at the same time, I know I will do it again, it's on my mind, it's like a pressure valve to realease I know it's not right but I don't have much of an outlet except here and I have to go to the library to use this site, it's not enough, I am drinking a lot cos I feel better when I am drunk, that's not right either though is it.

Sorry, waffled on too much, being boring as usual, sorry to whoever has read this (but thanks).

'Chelle x

[Guest raindancing]

!!!!!

I have re-read this post too many times, I have also sent an email to a friend and have read it four times in the last 10 minutes, I hate this, I have to check what I put in case I've made an idiot of myself or accidentally said something bad.

This is driving me insane.

[Northern Star]

Hiya 'Chelle,

Sorry you're feeling so bad :blushing: I self-harm too and I have found that it usually makes the bad feelings go away, but it is only temporary as I'm sure you have found too. The last time I cut myself was last Sunday evening...it's been 6 days...and sometimes it's really hard...but the next morning when I wake up and I haven't cut (I tend to cut at night) it's a great feeling. All I can suggest really is to try to resist the urge to cut - it might make you feel better initially but in the long term it doesn't work. Please try to find something positive to do when you want to cut.

Look after yourself.

[Guest robert1]

raindance i suffer too from sexual obsessions and i am also a father so if you ever need to talk i am here,don't do the self harm stuff as it only stops the thoughts for a while.

[Guest hope125]

Hi raindance,

It's Hope125, just wanted to ask how you have been getting on. Remember somebody is always on line to talk.

Take Care

Hope125

xxxx

[Guest lilyelspeth]

Hi raindancing, I'm so sorry that you are having a bad time right now and we are always here to support you. Please try not to worry about checking the post over and over because we all go through this doubt. Keep your chin up and continue to post, we've all been there at some time or another and understand what you are going through.

Try to smile for just about moment about something that makes you happy, perhaps it will take away the doubt if only for a moment.

Love, Lily

[Guest raindancing]

Thanks guys.

I have not cut for a couple of days so far so good. I am still having lots of thoughts, it is making me moody and withdrawn, I don't mean to be though.

My depression is up and down, more in the evenings I think. I am also still drinking every night, it takes the edge off really.

Well, I don't know what to say really, I think I will go now, thank you everyone.

'Chelle x

[Guest hope125]

Hi raindancing,

Have replied to your pm but not sure if it has gone.

Anytime you need a chat I'll be here to listen

Take Care

Hope

xxxxxx

[Northern Star]

Hi again 'Chelle

I have not cut for a couple of days so far so good.

Hey, well done you! You're doing great :crybaby:.

My depression is up and down, more in the evenings I think.

Same Sometimes during the day I can be really happy and wish that that feeling would stay but then when the evenings come I often go so downhill. I think it might be a combination of darkness and being stuck at home etc, although I'm only guessing.

Hope you carry on doing well. Remember though that even if you do slip up then it's just a blip and you can carry on doing so well .

[Guest hope125]

Hi,

It's Hope again. I'm really glad to hear that you have not cut for a few days, that is really good news. Always remember that your depression is the problem, not you personally, you seem to be a lovely person who just needs someone to listen. Above all remember the depression can be dealt with. You have recognised that you have a problem, once you make the move and seek help your problems can be worked on from a position of strength.

You have probably been told this a hundred times but how about doing a little physical exercise, I have found it to be useful in the past, at the moment this only need be a walk round the garden.

If there is anything I can do that might help you feel better let me know. I'm here to support you.

Hope

xxxxx