Teenage drama

[Guest Beth]

I don't expect anyone to reply to this, I'm writing this to air my feelings because right now I feel kind of bad.

I've had a lot of problems with the ocd and realising its affects recently. I'm wishing I hadn't told anyone about my ocd at all, I wish only I knew and then no one could hold it against me and I wouldn't have my teachers knowing. I feel like an empty shell at times, for months I haven't felt the anger in my fists, and for months I've longed for the day an emotional tear falls down my cheek, and yet even when trying to force myself to cry that day doesn't come.

Today just made things worse. I was talking to my ex a few minutes ago, and he told me he thought I was gay, and that people have been talking. I'm not gay. If I was I wouldn't be ashamed of it, the ocd I'm ashamed of, I'd admit my sexuality if it was gay. I'm straight though and I told him that and he was like 'Are you sure?' and I just said '100%'. This makes things worse for me as I force myself to go into the common room because I think it will get easier but I don't think it will. I'm already really self-conscious and this will make it worse. I have two friends who have a different sexuality, both girls one is gay(we're close but she has hardly said two words to me in weeks) and in a relaitonship and the other is bi. I know people know about them and wonder if because I'm close to them they think I'm gay and also it sounds petty but I have really short hair, I like short hair so I cut mine really short like spikey short, and my ex said it could be because of that. Somone once told me though he was spreading round that I was gay after I sarcastically (and I'm known to be very sarcastic-it's my only good point) told him he'd turned me but it was pretty obvious I was joking. I'm getting really sick of people screwing me aroung, in fact I'm getting sick of people. I don't want to leave my house again I want to stay alone in my room daydreaming of what life could be like because no matter what life isn't likely to live up to my dreams.

Beth

[Caramoole]

Beth....don't ever base your life on other peoples opinions of you and don't ever feel the need to explain unless you choose to. It's your life

[Guest Brainstrain]

Hi Beth,

I'm sorry to hear what you are going through, something similar happened to me at uni - although I did kind of ask for it - and I was mortified. Now it's become one of my OCD things so make sure you don't let it get that far. I gather he is your ex for a reason i.e that he wasn't a very nice person so just be glad that you're rid of him and if people want to believe what a bitter ex says then let them! Are you leaving school this year or do you have another year to go?

Brainstrain

[Guest Beth]

I have another year to go, though I really wish I could just drop out and move away down south (preferably the Isle of Wight), buy a flat and work in a shop, I know it sounds weird and stupid but it's my dream, I want a quiet happy life and I don't get that here, I know I have friends but if so why aren't I happy, I love my family but when I go away on trips I'm happier and when I get home I'm depressed. I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to and it's getting too much, and it's during the holidays I realise how upset school makes me but if I don't go back my life will amount to nothing because I don't have the confidence to go get a job and I'd like to go university so I can get a good job, but thats the only reason why, I'm scared of uni and I'm scared of life and the fact I'm always down doesn't help. I don't want to moan but I keep doing it and I hate myself for that.

Home is where the heart is, but my heart isn't here.

Beth

[Guest Brainstrain]

Hi Beth

Don't apologise for talking about your feelings, we're all here to listen. I know I always say this but it does seem we have a lot in common only I'm just a few years ahead.

When I was doing my A levels I had exactly the same dream, apart from the Isle of Wight thing. I wanted to drop out and have a simple job, my dream was working in a pub and having a flat etc just as you have described. The whole thought of university just made me feel depressed. My mum wouldn't let me drop out though and so I went to university, didn't move away just commuted and partly because of my negative frame of mind it was the worst time of my life and I basically did as little as I could to get through.

However, now I feel completely differently and wish I had the chance to go and do it all again and really make to most of it this time, in fact it is my ambition when I am older - and hopefully richer(!) - to do another Music degree and this time put my all into it instead of just being negative all the time. I don't know really what I'm trying to say but I suppose it is that I love the job I am doing at the moment and I wouldn't have been qualified to do that job if I hadn't done my degree so although the process was horrible the result has been good. I don't know of that is any help to you at all! Sorry for rambling!

Brainstrain