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Breathless and Scared - Full Posting


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Hello all,

First of all, I hope you're all bearing up, if not thriving.

I just need to post. I'm wandering around the house like a cat on hot bricks because I feel so jumpy. I won't tell my wife what I'm going through. I've made that mistake before and it made things much, much worse.

My OCD always centres around my relationship. To cut a long story as short as possible, my relationship with my wife is the most precious and sacred thing in the world to me, and I can get intrusive thoughts about breaking my wife's heart by falling in love with someone else, being unfaithful to her, that I have romantic feelings for other women.

For a LONG time my OCD centred around one woman in particular with whom both my wife and worked. I got terrible panic attacks and "whooshes" when around this woman, even though I didn’t even think she was particularly attarctive. I was afraid that I was in love with her and that I was going to break my wife's heart. It terrified the living daylights out of me because, as I said, my relationship and my wife's happiness are paramount to me over everything else.

I don’t even look at other women in a sexual way...I have incredibly strict rules about keeping all of that side of myself for my wife. I do have women friends but always (even though it’s probably not in the least bit necessary) mention my wife a lot so as that the boundaries are clearly delineated. Maybe mentioning my wife a lot is a safety behaviour, I don’t know.

Anyway, though this episode was amongst the most terrifying of my life and, without a doubt, one of my two most awful OCD experiences, I got through it with CBT, all your help and love, meds and strength of resolve. I made a decision to place myself in situations with this woman at every opportunity rather than avoid her. I would feel the terror rise up in me then gradually subside. Now, I am delighted to say that I can be in the same room as this woman without any panic at all, for which I am so grateful. We get on really well, are friends and I have no problem with that.

The current terrors centre round another woman at work. We always got on really well. My wife liked her too and, for a while, it looked like we could become really great friends as couples. As I said, I always talked about my wife a lot to her and mentioned her boyfriend a lot too. There was no way that wires could have got crossed. Also, though she has a pretty face, I didn’t find her attractive, never fantasised about her or anything like that and so I felt safe from that point of view too.

We always had a real laugh together. I would get her cups of coffee and she would do the same for me. I felt fine about it because, as I said there was total openness all-round and no chance of either one of us getting the wrong end of the stick. Every now and then, after I’d got her a cup of coffee for instance, I would hear her say things about me like “He’s my ideal man he is!”. It would cause me momentary panic but I knew it was my OCD and I didn’t buy in to the fear. The panic always passed and I was happy with my progress in dealing with my OCD.

Then last year she split up with her boyfriend. I was gutted for her and I (all of us at work including my wife) tried to support her as a friend. I was thrilled for her when she got a new boyfriend and I thought “Go, girl!” I think there was a little part of me which got jealous, or that my OCD got involved with images of her with her new boyfriend, but I just didn’t take these images seriously. I was delighted for her that she was having a lovely time again after she’d been so badly hurt.

I spoke to my wife about this woman and the laughs we had at work a lot, just as I would about a male friend. I felt fine about it all. I did get a few OCD wobbles where I got intrusive thoughts about her if I felt she was being overly friendly with me, and I shared those wobbles on this forum. They always passed.

I was being open, was happy I had no dishonest intentions towards this woman and that I was being a good husband.

Then I started to feel funny and a bit more panicky around her earlier this year when she started to lose weight and put more effort in to her appearance. She started to look more attractive in the work place and I started to get more intrusive thoughts about.

I am trying to be open here. I never fancied this woman at all, and that was one of the reasons I felt so safe around her. I just thought she was a lovely person and recognised that she had a pretty face. We were good friends. I think she might have fancied me a little bit. She used to come up to me and stand very close which freaked me out. I would step away. I didn’t like it. I don’t think she felt she was being inappropriate. Sometimes she’s do it whilst my wife was in the room and I felt pretty sure that she had no ill intentions. But I didn’t like it and certainly was quite distant and stand-offish whenever she did it.

But, as I said, she started to lose weight and look more attractive. I still didn’t fancy her (I don’t fancy her and never have), but I was getting a few more intrusive thoughts about her.

She then started behaving a little differently towards me in that she became, perhaps, more distant, maybe a bit more aloof. This did start to freak me out and I wondered why. I think I discovered that it was because she was no longer behaving according to the role I’d assigned her in my existence. She was no longer being this friendly, harmless, matronly person and was becoming more concerned with being attractive. Sometimes, and maybe I’m wrong, I felt she’d look at me in in a flirtatious way with her new-found confidence in her attractiveness. I didn’t like it. I started to see how much a control freak I was and how this might be key in bringing on my OCD attacks.

When I got my first OCD episode with the other woman at work, I think I know why. I’d never had any sexual feelings / thoughts about this woman at all. We’d always been friendly acquaintances and I was fond of her in a totally avuncular way. I think my wife told me at one point that this woman quite fancied me but I found it charming rather than threatening. Clearly my wife didn’t feel threatened by it and neither did I. I thought is was quite sweet and behaved like a friendly uncle towards her.

But.....then she got promoted over my wife at work. This woman’s persona changed and she became a sort of controversial figure to all of us. She became more aloof. She actually had become my boss, was behaving differently at work and it freaked me out.

One day, I found myself in a room alone with her and ”WHOOSH”....the OCD ambush had started. All of a sudden, my head was full of terrifying images about her and me. I felt she was trying to “get” me. This makes me sound like I feel all women must find me irresistibly attractive which, I promise you, I don’t. I know it’s my OCD and I am just trying to be honest about how my OCD manifests itself.

Anyway, back to the current issue. Wind the tape forward. I started to place myself in situations with this woman who was losing weight and putting more effort in to her dress sense. Things sort of normalised again.

What’s happened recently to make me frightened is that she has become, I feel, MUCH more distant with me. I feel she’s stopped being my friend and that she now has the friendship I used to have with her with another guy at work. It HAS made me jealous. The other day she was crying at work and talking to this other guy. I asked her what was wrong and she refused to talk to me about it. I offered to make her a cup of coffee and she just shoo-ed me away. “Well sod you” I thought. I don’t like this guy and feel she now has the friendship with him that I used to have with her. I feel I’ve lost my friendship with her.

I must stress that I’ve never had designs on this woman and still don’t. But the funny way she’s now behaving towards me has me freaked me out. I hope you understand.

Things have got really awkward between us at work. They certainly have from my end anyway. I feel we’re both trying to behave really “normally” around each other. I am trying to support her as I would a friend by not forcing my friensdhip on her. I want to take the tack of “If she doesn’t want to be friends with me the way she used to be then that’s fine. As her friend I support her in that”. But then when I see her behaving with this guy at work the way she used to behave with me, I get jealous again and it freaks me out.

I got even more freaked out yesterday. I am trying to avoid her and we both left work at the same time. We ended up being stuck at traffic lights together. I think that, rather than be all false smiles, we both tried to pretend we didn’t know the other was there. God it freaks me out. I then got home to my wife. I want to leave it all behind but I find that during OCD attacks, weekends are the worst for me.

I won’t bring this OCD-trash to my wife. Though she’s always been wonderfully supportive, it’s just not fair. My wife is not the cure for my OCD.

I realised I simply had to share what was going on between my ears with all of you.

Please understand. All I want is to be a good husband. My wife is my life. Nothing is more important. I have tried to be as honest I can be in this posting so as to get all the poison out.

If I really articulated what I’d like to happen then it would be this: I want to be a great husband, to make my wife happy, and I’d like my old friendship with this woman back. We always got on well and had a laugh.

If I can’t have my old friendship with her back, then I want to get to place where I can detach with love from the situation rather than detach with a “Sod you!” attitude.

As I said, I’ve become aware of how my OCD can be triggered by people (particularly women) not behaving according to the role I’ve given them in my life. Especially if women start to behave in an aloof way compared with their old behaviour then it can trigger my OCD, and I can start to get intrusive thoughts about falling in love with them and breaking my wife’s heart, leaving my wife and our marriage being over....oh God I could go round and round in circles.

I hope you understand. I’ve tried to be as honest as possible so as to cripple the OCD.

I badly need support and to let health and wellness in on my mental state rather than keep running round and round on the OCD-treadmill.

You’ve always saved me before. Please save me again.

Love to you all and thanks in advance,

Gerardx.

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Never fear, Gerard, nic is here. First of all, take heart , sweetheart, this is all OCD and you know that. And I do think us poor souls with this wretched illness have one fundamental flaw, WE THINK TOO MUCH. We read far too much into things, things that are not there. For a start, your relationship with this woman HAS changed, in a huge way. She is now your boss, she cannot and should not behave in the same way around you, she should be professional. A boss being too friendly with staff is opening a can of worms. Your "jealousy" over her new attitude, I would read as a bit of sadness that your friendship is now different. It is like a period of mourning, but what you must remember is friends come and go and that is all part of life. Sad as it is to lose a friendship, or to have it change, you will get over it, however raw those feelings are now. I know from first hand experience how OCD can return with a bang. Let me guess, that feeling of doom in the pitt of your stomach, that feeling of digust and self loathing that permeates evry pore in your body, that feeling that this will never go away, and will remain with you forever. Am I right? Did I hit the nail squarely on the head there? Why don't other people do this , i hear you ask. Because they don't ruminate, they don't look at the tiny details, they can shrug there shoulders and get over it. We can't. We look at every tiny detail, try to analyse it, go over it again and again. Such is the nature of our illness and I hate to say, our personalities. As I am writing this to you Gerard, I am having a little cry, as I had a terrible experience at work this week. I am a supply teacher and I received an email from the head that stated that the staff had complained that i am not firm enough with the children. Surprise, surprise, cue the feelings of self loathing, of being useless, worthless, pathetic. These are people I have worked happily with for the last few months. And lo and behold, I am now full of self loathing, zero self esteem, like someone has ripped out my insides. Most people would have thought "Whatever", but oh no, not me. I am already full of catastrophic thoughts of "well i must give up teaching etc". Anyway, this isn't about me, this is about you, but the principle remains the same, we automatically jump to the very worst case scenario. Will this ever go? To be honest Gerard , I don't think it will, yes I think it will improve, but I do not believe we can totally change our personalities. Just as someone with back pain gets good days and bad, we as OCD sufferers have good days and bad, good weeks and bad weeks, good months and bad months. What we must do, is live for the days where ity is leaving you alone, live for the days where you are at peace, however few and far between, you will get those days. Might heart goes out to you dear Gerard, and while I don't think I have passed on any advice in this post, I have passed on my hearftfelt empathy and understanding, love nic

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Nic you are wonderful and always there for me.

Yes,as ever, you hit the nail right on the head.

Thanks, darlin. I shall try my very very best just to hang on to what you say and know that this shall pass as it has before.

God Nic I am so sorry about what you've been through this week at work.

Amongst other things, I teach as well so I can appreciate how lucky those kids are to have you teaching them...someone so wonderfully compassionate, empathetic, wise.

You're a unicorn, Nic? Magical and wonderful but destined always to be isolated as the lone beacon of light in a landscape of darkness.

If the teachers can't see that (they CAN see it of course and are jealous), the children definitely can.

Don't you dare change. We all need Nic's light.

Big love and a hug,

Gerard

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Guest orange socks

what we focus on hunny grows.....if we remove our attention from it , it withers and dies - not really sure if that is helpful or not but it sounds good doesnt it :lol:

its just a quote from a book i am reading from the library at the moment called ''choosing happiness- short answers to the big questions

might help if you ever see a copy in your library. :)

said before i think your a smashing hubby ....i think your priceless and your wife is so lucky to have someone as passionate and faithful as you obviously are.

this screams of ocd - the telltale sign....your fretting your head off about it all.

have a look for the book hun - see if it helps :) xxxxxxx

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Guest orange socks

Never fear, Gerard, nic is here. First of all, take heart , sweetheart, this is all OCD and you know that. And I do think us poor souls with this wretched illness have one fundamental flaw, WE THINK TOO MUCH. We read far too much into things, things that are not there. For a start, your relationship with this woman HAS changed, in a huge way. She is now your boss, she cannot and should not behave in the same way around you, she should be professional. A boss being too friendly with staff is opening a can of worms. Your "jealousy" over her new attitude, I would read as a bit of sadness that your friendship is now different. It is like a period of mourning, but what you must remember is friends come and go and that is all part of life. Sad as it is to lose a friendship, or to have it change, you will get over it, however raw those feelings are now. I know from first hand experience how OCD can return with a bang. Let me guess, that feeling of doom in the pitt of your stomach, that feeling of digust and self loathing that permeates evry pore in your body, that feeling that this will never go away, and will remain with you forever. Am I right? Did I hit the nail squarely on the head there? Why don't other people do this , i hear you ask. Because they don't ruminate, they don't look at the tiny details, they can shrug there shoulders and get over it. We can't. We look at every tiny detail, try to analyse it, go over it again and again. Such is the nature of our illness and I hate to say, our personalities. As I am writing this to you Gerard, I am having a little cry, as I had a terrible experience at work this week. I am a supply teacher and I received an email from the head that stated that the staff had complained that i am not firm enough with the children. Surprise, surprise, cue the feelings of self loathing, of being useless, worthless, pathetic. These are people I have worked happily with for the last few months. And lo and behold, I am now full of self loathing, zero self esteem, like someone has ripped out my insides. Most people would have thought "Whatever", but oh no, not me. I am already full of catastrophic thoughts of "well i must give up teaching etc". Anyway, this isn't about me, this is about you, but the principle remains the same, we automatically jump to the very worst case scenario. Will this ever go? To be honest Gerard , I don't think it will, yes I think it will improve, but I do not believe we can totally change our personalities. Just as someone with back pain gets good days and bad, we as OCD sufferers have good days and bad, good weeks and bad weeks, good months and bad months. What we must do, is live for the days where ity is leaving you alone, live for the days where you are at peace, however few and far between, you will get those days. Might heart goes out to you dear Gerard, and while I don't think I have passed on any advice in this post, I have passed on my hearftfelt empathy and understanding, love nic

good post nic :) wishing you well xxxxxxx

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Guest akkers1

That is such an awesome post "orange socks". Even though it wasn't meant for me I got such a lot out of it. I think you summed up the

way our minds work perfectly, I struggle with the fact that things really really upset me and other people can just wipe it away and move on.

Also, your bit about friendship was great for me, I struggled when a supposed friend really let me down. I stopped seeing her, we don't even talk. I

don't miss her, she was a nasty gossip, but it hurts anyway! I will remember your words "friends come and go"! (but hopefully not too many!)

Thanks.

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blimey, have just read through my post and there are loads of spelling mistakes and grammatical errors. As my hero Miles Hunt [lead singer of the wonder stuff, for all you young ones] once said to me "and you're a teacher as well......" tut tut . Still the content was good.......!

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Guest akkers1

blimey, have just read through my post and there are loads of spelling mistakes and grammatical errors. As my hero Miles Hunt [lead singer of the wonder stuff, for all you young ones] once said to me "and you're a teacher as well......" tut tut . Still the content was good.......!

Ha, ha, huge apologies Nic, I did read it again and saw last night that I had credited the wrong person!!!! (Your advice was good too though Orange Socks).

I have started a scrapbook and I glue in bits and pieces that I have found helpful - then when I am having a bad time I can look over it and see if any of it helps!! I printed your bit off and then realised what I had done and hopped on here first thing to apologise!

Off to get ready for work now - I can't believe how many of us all seem to work at a school...

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Yes she knows I have OCD. I used, on the advice of a CB Therapist, to tell her all about what was going on between my ears and she was wonderfully understanding. However, what started off as a healthy new habit soon became a "confession" ritual which reinforced the whole OCD cycle. I was advised just to allow the thoughts to be there, not fight them and that, terrifying though that prospect was, the thoughts and terror would pass.

So difficult though it was, I stopped confessing to her and after a bumpy start, things got a lot better.

Now if I'm feeling bad I just say, "Sorry darlin. Bad OCD at the moment". That's as far as I go.

Also, as a side issue, I started to see how unfair it was on her for me to be continuously confessing to her about this OCD junk. It was hard for her to listen to me talking to her about my intrusive thoughts about other women, and her having constantly to reassure me.

So all-round, it was the right decision to stop.

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Guest akkers1

Yes she knows I have OCD. I used, on the advice of a CB Therapist, to tell her all about what was going on between my ears and she was wonderfully understanding. However, what started off as a healthy new habit soon became a "confession" ritual which reinforced the whole OCD cycle. I was advised just to allow the thoughts to be there, not fight them and that, terrifying though that prospect was, the thoughts and terror would pass.

So difficult though it was, I stopped confessing to her and after a bumpy start, things got a lot better.

Now if I'm feeling bad I just say, "Sorry darlin. Bad OCD at the moment". That's as far as I go.

Also, as a side issue, I started to see how unfair it was on her for me to be continuously confessing to her about this OCD junk. It was hard for her to listen to me talking to her about my intrusive thoughts about other women, and her having constantly to reassure me.

So all-round, it was the right decision to stop.

Yeah I know exactly what you mean. I feel the same. My husband knows that I obess over my old relationship but I don't think he needs to

have me spell it out all the time and make him feel like **** and like I don't want to be here. If I am really beside myself then he asks me about it and I do seem to feel better for telling him, but I try not to do it too often. Sometimes I think it brings us closer by talking about it, but I don't want him

doubting our relationship either. I think for a while he did, but after coming to a counselling session with me I think that he eventually understood that it was the OCD and not really me.

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