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I'm really scared...please help.


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Hello everyone.

I hope know one minds me writing all of this. I feel guilty for not being part of the board and writing to others before, so I kind of feel out of place suddenly asking for support... :help:

My main fear has been what if I abuse children, or what if I have. I’ve lived with those main ones for around four years now.

I was diagnosed with ocd a year and a half ago, and I’ve had my ups and down times, but right now I can’t seem to get a grip on things. Since the beginning of January everyday my head is filled with something that makes me feel scared and worried and full of guilt.

I’ve just turned 23 and I don’t have any friends or a job or hobbies, I do love reading though, and spend my time searching the internet for fan fiction stories about my favourite shows. I know it sounds sad, but I love becoming lost in the stories and for a couple of hours I can escape and be normal.

Only thing is for the past two months I’ve been scared to approach the internet, at first the thought was what if I write a piece of hate mail about one of the actresses wishing her dead. At first I was able to combat the thought, but lately I’ve been freaking out over thinking that I have written nasty sick emails about famous kids or kids of certain actors and actresses. (I panicked about this today). I’m terrified I’ve emailed these things to the people who run the web pages, or I’ve written to the people who write the stores, and I’ve posted these sick things about abusing kids on their review pages. :)

I hide the keyboard with paper every time (this is the first time I’ve typed anything so I’m freaking out over this too) I’m on the net so that I can’t see any letters, I try blocking out the thoughts by chanting things in my head when they start appearing, I seek reassurance from family members and such, but none of this has helped lately.

I’ve turned to my ocd books but I can’t make these fears and thoughts about writing such perverted emails and comments go away. They seem so real,(too real )and very vivid in detail. I’m terrified that people will find out that I’m a sick and perverted thing and it's making me sick to my stomach.

I don’t want to feel like this everyday but for months I have, and none of it will go away, I just want it to all go away.

Part of me is angry because as I’ve mentioned reading these stories is the only thing that I enjoy, but fearing I’ve written these nasty sick perverted things, on these web pages means I can’t escape into the reading without feeling sick and guilty.

I don’t want this to last, I really want it to go away but nothing that I’ve tried has worked.

I know posting this is in one way looking for reassurance, which I’ve been told is wrong, but I’m so tired of feeling this pain and I just want one person out there...to I don’t know, I guess I’m just lost right now.

I know you have to fight ocd, but all I’m doing right now is wishing some how that it could end and I wouldn’t feel so sick and scared... :)

I'm sorry if I've wasted your time, I probably shouldn't have bothered any of you

...I just feel so trapped and needed some help.

Iolana

XXX

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Guest Smudger

Hi Iolana :)

You've done a very brave and positive thing by making the decision to post your worries on here.

You're obviously having a very bad time at the moment, but you have to understand that you are having these thoughts because of the ocd, not because these are things that you want to do, have done or will do-the whole reason your ocd is fixating on the issue of child abuse is because it is something that you find completely unnaceptable, and therefore is the best method the ocd has at its disposal to keep you trapped in a never ending cycle of guilt and worry.

Despite what your ocd may tell you, you are a good, kind person. Bad people don't worry about the kind of things that you have running through your mind-in fact, they enjoy them. You are the complete opposite of that kind of person.

Please feel free to post any concerns you may have, even if you just want to go over the same stuff-reassurance isn't really recomended, but it's definately preferable to going out of your mind with worry! Keep posting, and hopefully gain some insight as to why you are feeling this way-many people on this board (myself included) have the same worries as yourself, and we'd love to be able to help you.

Take care :)

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Guest Tulsas

Ocd plays with our minds and thats exactly why you are feeling so guilty over something you haven't and will not do...try to get outside of your mind and concentrate on other things like you do about fiction stories..I know this is easier said than done but it would be your first step of breaking the cycle of the false thoughts and feelings that plague you..remember these thoughts are not real and have no power....

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Hi Iolana :)

What a nice name by the way.

Please don't worry about making this post, I think virtually everyone of us who arrived at this site, did so asking for help.

Reassurance isn't good in general, if it's constantly sought but it does have its place, in my opinion, in the early days to help people to learn about the condition and that this isn't just them, call it guidance or education instead.

Your particular worry/ies are actually very common ones and are shared by many of our members here, I'm sure that they'll all be willing and delighted to share their thoughts with you.

I hide the keyboard with paper every time (this is the first time I’ve typed anything so I’m freaking out over this too) I’m on the net so that I can’t see any letters, I try blocking out the thoughts by chanting things in my head when they start appearing, I seek reassurance from family members and such, but none of this has helped lately.

I’ve turned to my ocd books but I can’t make these fears and thoughts about writing such perverted emails and comments go away. They seem so real,(too real )and very vivid in detail. I’m terrified that people will find out that I’m a sick and perverted thing and it's making me sick to my stomach.

Most of the answers as to why this is causing you so much distress are in those two paragraphs:

I hide the keyboard with paper every time

I try blocking out the thoughts by chanting things in my head when they start appearing

I seek reassurance from family members

I can’t make these fears and thoughts about writing such perverted emails and comments go away

It's the doing of these things that is helping the OCD to perpetuate, the desire and need to get rid of this thought that is having the opposite effect.

It helps if you can pick one aspect of your problem and gradually start to expose yourself to it. Perhaps you could decide, when you're on this site, that you won't cover your keyboard, or that you'll at least not cover it for a short time whilst typing a short message.

Perhaps you can make a massive effort to either not ask, or delay asking family members for reassurance. I used to be very guilty of this. When you feel that question popping into your head, decide that you'll wait 10 minutes or so before you do and then reassess how strongly the need feels then.

These thoughts are awful but they aren't real, they are there to cause distress :(

Anyway, have a good read around the boards, I'm sure you'll find so much you can relate to and please don't be afraid to ask anything, everyone here knows what you're going through

Caramoole :)

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Guest hope125

Hello,

You have made a big step on posting your topic, i am relatively new and when i first posted my topic i felt like i was going to faint!

It doesn't sound sad that you read a lot, i do too, when i am having a rough patch i read more, it really helps me 'switch off'.

I can totally identify with the worry that you may have written something 'bad' to somebody. I remember typing up an essay for uni and then panicking when i handed it in because i thought i might have typed up all about my OCD symptoms, bad thoughts etc...! I hope the fact that i have said that makes you realise that it is really just another OCD worry. I can guarantee that you won't have sent any bad e mails, i also know that you will think 'how does she know i haven't' i just do. Everything you have written tells me that you wouldn't do those things. What is the past evidence? Exactly, no past evidence!

You need support and that is what this site is for. We are all available to 'talk' anytime. Please remember that. I have struggled with this on and off for a couple of years now, it really does get easier to manage. I take Lustral (antidepressant) and have cognitive behavioural therapy. Medication isn't for everybody and always see your dr regarding these things. Could you dr refer you to a therapist? Let him know how you feel, write things down if you have to, they have heard it all believe me.

PM me anytime you need. - we will help you through this

Hope

xxxxx

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Guest kirk27

Hi there, Iolana (very nice name :(

Well done for posting :) it is the best thing you could of done today and is a step

forward out of the mad world that you no longer want to be in

I have read many posts on this recently where many people seem to be at there lowest i am happy to tell you that you will get better :) we all agree on this In the past i have had very bad intrusive thoughts,they make you sick and nomatter what you try,its hard to keep a striaght head ,

OK thats enough from me about the Obvious!lets see what we can do to help

you take a step back and most importantly find away of being calm

When we are alone,we are alone with are imagination we have our own world to dissaper in the real one is just as good :) so............

Maybe you could try the following

One day go out,plan a trip do somthing that is different hopfully this will distract your mind a little!remember this, if you have a good day out doing somthing different you will find later that night your head will be filled with the days events

now if you ask me this is much better than a head full of unwanted thoughts :)

Suffering in silence is bad,you are notalone! when we have no friends our ocd world becomes more real and we find it hard to break away

come back to these boards again and again as there are plenty who can help :)

So you like storys ? heres what i did in 2001 Iwas in the grip of anxiety and strong compulsions , i was looking to for a way out and some peace.

,so i grabed a magazine (a new one gotta keep the mind interested in new things , as if you reread older books you know what is coming and then your mind willl wander ..and we dont want that)

so i got a magazine and lay on my bed and said to myself

i am not moveing for no one , not even to give in to my ocd , i was in a brave mood , and i did not move from my bed for 2 hours! i !was relaxed (after a while

i enjoyed my magazine and after i felt as though i had made a stand .........wich is somthing us suffers will do ....,and have to :)

Your thoughts will not go away striaght away but at least we can try and take a back seat before we make a brave step forward,

There also comes a time when interacting with ocd makes things worse

So again well done for posting dont say you have no friends when i feel you have made some :)

I hope this post can reasure you, and help you take a breather asi feel you need it

All the best :(

Come back anytime :dry:

Kirk xx

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Guest madmummy

Iolana, I think you are so so brave for posting all about your fears and OCD. I cannot tell a soul about mine, yet you have just done that straight off - wow!! I wish i could be as brave as you.

I know exactly how you are feeling, many of us do, I know how terrifying it is. Can i ask if you have sought help for this? If you havent, i really think you should do - CBT and psychology combined with medication is, I believe, the best way - (although if anyone here knows different, please do say! :) )

feel free to PM me anytime. :)

MM x

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