Jump to content

Away from My Wife


Recommended Posts

Hello all,

God I don't know what I would do without this website. Even as i write I can feel the relief flooding in.

As some of you may know, my OCD centres on my marriage.

Nothing is more important to me than my wife.

However, for the first time since this my OCD took this particular "ROCD"-form (in 2009) I am having, because of work, to be away from my wife. I was scared us being apart would kick off my OCD and, sure enough, it has.

I'm flailing around here to pinpoint the exact cause of the anxiety so I'll just let it all hang out.

I guess it's a number of things.

First and foremost, because being a good husband is my top priority I find that when I am at home I can demonstrate this to my wife with my actions. I can tell her how much I love her on an ongoing basis, make her lunch...oh I don't know. I can just let her know she's my top priority.

I guess these are safety behaviours which I practise to an even greater degree when my OCD sets in, but I think it would be true to say that, even when I am not in OCD hell, I want to behave this way anyway. It's not that my wife even asks me to behave this way. It's just that I want to be a good husband to her and make her happy.

However, when I am away with work (I am currently at the Edinburgh Festival so, with the exception of a few days next week, I'll be away from home for a month), I find I must go in to a different mode. I live in digs and, apart of course from the fact that I do not ever go out with other women, I am sort of living a bachelor existence.

I go in to a different mode, anyway, and because my number one self-definition is as a good husband, there is a real conflict there and it really disturbs me.

Also, and I think this really gets to the nub of why I am feeling so disturbed, because (as some people will know from my previous posts) I have made a trigger out of my wife (on some days the sight of her can trigger of the "Do I / don't I love her", "Do I / don't I find her attractive", "Am I going to break her heart in to a thousand pieces" thoughts), being away from her is, in a way, a relief because none of that happens, The trigger isn't there so I don't get the thoughts which, of course, is a relief.

But I hate even writing that. I hate the fact that being away fro my wife can, in a sense, be a relief.

Then things get really difficult when I ring home at the end of the day, and am trying to sound and behave normally when I have all this OCD anxiety flying around my head and heart (though my wife couldn't possibly have been more sympathetic and understanding about my OCD, I don't practise my confession-rituals with her anymore...I know that way further anxiety lies).

I know I've come a long way with my ROCD and, for that, I am very grateful. I know I've got to learn to be away from my wife for work. I hate it but it's true. I must learn to be ok with not being able to touch her, tell her I love her, do things for her to show her, demonstrate to her how much I love her. In my line of work, being away from home is something which is unavoidable if you want to make money. And I do want to make money so I can give my wife a better quality of living.

I am sorry to report that, no matter how many times I go through OCD ambushes and come out ok the other side, whenever a fresh ambush occurs I find I am pretty much back to square one.

I am, however getting better at just living with the thoughts as if they are not there (somebody once compared it to getting used to the noise of low-flying planes if you live next to an airport, which really helped me).

I feel a little better having posted. I am heartened to see postings from other people whose OCD centres on their relationship / marriage.

I just need support right now so I am reaching out.

God bless you all and thanks for taking the time to read,

Gerard

Link to comment

Hi,

Well you are not alone! I never even knew there was ROCD until it hit me about a year ago. Before then mine was OCD on other things.

When did yours start and was it gradual or it just hit you?

I am going to be start CBT soon and hope that it will help. You know I can never go abroad alone because I get so anxious that I need to get on the next flight home. I guess I just need to realise this and not keep putting myself in these situations.

It always is a relief to find that you are not alone. I wonder how many people give up instead of realising that these things will come and go like a virus?

Hope we can both post we are better soon!

Thanks

Steve

Link to comment

Gerard, i've read your post and want to say that you are not alone.

Though my hell is much different from yours, sometimes i also feel myself extremly afraid of hearting my girlfriend and breaking her heart . Even not girlfriend - i consider her a future wife. My father is a man who used to cheat a lot of times on my mother, has a long history of alcohol abuse and didn't manage to build a succesful career. So i want to be a better man in all senses including the fidelity to partner. To make things worse, I used to be quiet promiscous socially - never having sex, but trying to seduce loooots of girls.

So now i am quiet concerned about my behaviour and try to avoid even friendship with girls i meat in the university or on work (exept one dear friend from school times and one dear friend from Phd programe we both participate). To make things worse this total lack of interest from my side fuels curiosoty from my female colleagues. For instance several days ago I helped one of my colleagues and our boss said smth like "oh, you both look so lovely. You should definitely marry". I immediately replied "zero chance" and my colleague was a bit insulted with such reaction

You know, i would suggest you to read Terry Goodkinds "sword of truth" series. There is a great deal about love and fidelity there and this books keep moving me when all seems lost ( my dear girl broke up with me once and i used all the power of this books to rebuild our relationship)

Though this is a fantasy novel, i hope it will be helpful

Link to comment

Steve, Richard,

Thank you so much for your support. Clearly you both know what I am going through and I am sorry for your suffering as you are sorry for mine.

I want to support you both as well, and AM HERE FOR YOU.

Love,

Gerard

Link to comment
Guest akkers1

Gerard you sound a wonderful husband. It is horrible to be away from anyone that we love, but at least you know it is only temporary.

Stay strong and think how great it will be when you get home - absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that! Try and keep yourself busy

and the time will go faster. All the best.

Link to comment

Hello all,

I hope this finds you well and at peace.

I just had to post because my wife is coming up tomorrow and, with how the OCD has been gashing at me since we've been apart (see my original post on this thread), I am actually quite frightened of seeing her.

I know the solution is just to allow the thoughts to be there and behave as if everything's ok, but it's been a difficult 10 days being away from her and placed outside my familiar-zone (does anyone else find that a change in environment can trigger their OCD?), and I am just frightened I will not be able to seem relaxed and behave normally.

One thing I know I must not do is look to my wife as a solution and solace for my OCD.

I used to practise my "confession" rituals to her on an ongoing basis before I realised that they were rituals, and just reinforced the whole OCD cycle. Things have improved greatly since I stopped all that.

It's just that sometimes, as I am sure all of you know only too well, carrying on as if you don't have a care in the world when you've got all this OCD agony inside you can be a very tall order.

I just want this damned thing to pass. I know it will. But I hate this illness so much.

Any support would, as ever, be very gratefully-received.

Love to you all,

Gerard

Edited by Gerard
Link to comment

Hello all,

I hope this finds you well and at peace.

I just had to post because my wife is coming up tomorrow and, with how the OCD has been gashing at me since we've been apart (see my original post on this thread), I am actually quite frightened of seeing her.

I know the solution is just to allow the thoughts to be there and behave as if everything's ok, but it's been a difficult 10 days being away from her and placed outside my familiar-zone (does anyone else find that a change in environment can trigger their OCD?), and I am just frightened I will not be able to seem relaxed and behave normally.

One thing I know I must not do is look to my wife as a solution and solace for my OCD.

I used to practise my "confession" rituals to her on an ongoing basis before I realised that they were rituals, and just reinforced the whole OCD cycle. Things have improved greatly since I stopped all that.

It's just that sometimes, as I am sure all of you know only too well, carrying on as if you don't have a care in the world when you've got all this OCD agony inside you can be a very tall order.

I just want this damned thing to pass. I know it will. But I hate this illness so much.

Any support would, as ever, be very gratefully-received.

Love to you all,

Gerard

Hi Gerard

You are definitely going through a really tough time with the OCD at the moment. It sounds so hard. Maybe just say to your wife, that you are having a really tough time with your OCD at the moment, but tell her it is bad for you to talk about the content as it doesn't help to get reassurance etc... I think the sooner you get home, it will ease off again as your OCD is much more contained at home. I think different things trigger for us all, places, people, change of environment etc....

Try to be as calm as you can while letting the thoughts in, stay with them, let the anxiety rise, accept the anxiety, but don't engage with the thought or reassure yourself. My therapist is a huge believer in mindfullness, but really it needs to be practiced first when you are in a calmer state of mind. It basically means concentrating on the present, on what you see (colours, reflections, architecture, etc), what you hear (sounds around you), what you feel (body scan plus maybe feeling the wind against your face), what you taste. Also keep telling yourself, these are OCD thoughts, they are repetitive, irrational and exaggerated, they feel like OCD.

Hope this helps and I'll be thinking of you

Take care and good luck tomorrow

Hopexx :hug:

Link to comment

Dear Hope,

Thank you so much for your reply.

I know you are right, and I will accept the anxiety without trying to neutralise it. I know I'll come out of the other side.

All love and support to you, dear lady,

Gerardx.

Link to comment
  • 3 weeks later...

Hello everyone,

I hope you're bearing up.

Just going through a rough and exhausting time at the moment with the relentless thoughts marauding me.

I am practising inviting them, feeling the terror and letting it pass but It's just wave after wave at the moment. It's especially bad when I've just woken up or when I'm just about to see my wife (see original posting - same old thing).

Sometimes I feel happy I've cracked this OCD thing and then I get back to square one again. Sometimes I can just let the thoughts rant away and, whilst it's deeply unpleasant, I can not get scared to much and know it's just my OCD. Other times it feels like I'm a wounded seal just like being attacked again and again by a great white shark. Or my mind just being gashed again and again with a stanley knife by the OCD.

I don't mean to be overly dramatic. It's how it feels and I'm sure some of you can relate to it.

I love my baby wife so much. Of course we don't have as passionate a relationship as we used to have but I'm not really surprised at that after nearly 11 years of marriage. We've both put on weight blah blah blah....But I don't care. I would love just to be able to carry on without any more shark attacks or mental-gashing

I work hard at my marriage because it's the most important thing to me. Maybe that's the problem. I'd love, in a way, to be able to just take my marriage for granted. If I was able to do that then I know I wouldn't get the thoughts.

I'd love, love, love to be just a grumpy old git like Victor Meldrew with his wife who thinks he's a pain in the backside. BUT THEY CAN BE THAT WAY WITH EACH OTHER BECAUSE THEY'RE TOGETHER FOREVER AND THEY JUST TAKE IT FOR GRANTED.That would be bliss.

But, I'm pretty sure because of what happened to me in 1996 when (during a former relationship) I fell in love with someone else and broke a woman's heart, I can't do that. I know it's not the same because that relationship was actually wrong. I was never passionately in love with that woman. When I first saw my wife she literally took my breath away. It's just that now we've settled in to this comfortableness which I actually really like, but I get worried I'll fall in love with someone else for the sex or something.

God knows I'd rather be shot or castrated than that ever happening and I am stringent about the rules I place on myself about how I relate to the opposite sex. I'm sure a lot of that is compulsive "safety" behaviour as a reaction to my OCD fear.

To put it at its simplest, hurting my wife / breaking her heart in to a thousand pieces is the very nub of my OCD terror.

Oh damn I just want to be left alone. I'm sorry - I just have to say that.

I know it'll pass but at the moment I've lost my way.

All love,

Gerard

Link to comment

My dearest Gerard. You are not back at square one. Yes , it may feel like that, but you now have the knowledge of this illness to know what is happening. With knowledge comes empowerment, Gerard, and the ability to fight.I found this pasage for you...."You should understand the tricks memory and habit play o that you are not too discouraged by setback, however long it may last or whenever it may come. You hould learn to appreciate the difference between memory and reality and know that when memory recalls past suffering and reawakens old sensations, apprehensions, IT IS STILL ONLY A MEMORY, and you need not be waylaid by memory, however painful and convincing it may seem. Let memeory recall as much as it may, but do not let this deceive you into thinking you may have slipped into illness again, although for a while you may feel the symptoms as acutely as ever ".....Do you see what this is trying to say , sweetheart? No, you are not back at square one, but remembering times when you were anxious and ill, will in itself amke you feel anxious. That' all. So what do you do? You practise glimpsing that truth, you prcatise evrything you have learnt from here, use this opportunity to gain strength, the more you practise, the more you win, Gerard. Accept your thoughts, confidence come with experience, the more you glimpe your truth, the better you become, honestly. Make your teaching part of yourself, inbuilt so that in the future this will not seem so frightening. And that goes for all of you in a setback! My work here is done, love nic xxxxxxxxxx

Link to comment

Darlin thank you so much. You are right and the passage is FANTASTIC. Where's it from? At any rate, I take on board all that you say, Nic.

I'm convinced you must have wings dear lady!

Huge love and hugs,

Gxxxxxxxxxxxx

Link to comment

unfortunately there are no wings strong enough, Gerard. And the passage is from, "Peace from nervous suffering," By Dr Claire Weekes. More a book about anxiety than OCD, but it reaches the parts other books cannot reach! love nic

Link to comment
Guest jules41

Haven't got any advice on this really but wanted to just drop a word of support for you.

I am so lucky as my partner of 8 years understands my OCD so well. He is a bit like Victor Meldrew actually..

Wishing you the best.

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...