:(

[Guest emsy]

Don't know what else to put as the subject!!!!

Have had such a bad week or so, I put myself on an internet ban as I was googling like a mad woman. My OCD had a huuuuuuuuuuuuuge spike. I got a head cold, sinus congestion and convinced myself I had HIV from the last incident I posted about.

I went a little bit crazy I think, sat up til 2 or 3 every morning searching the internet and then had to get up to the kids at 7 for school. So add OCD and tiredness and its not pretty.

I am a little better today hence why I have allowed myself to come on here.

I just feel so lonely and scared (i am almost in tears writing this) Just as you think you are doing better wham!!! It hits you again, its just so hard and I am so tired of it. I wish it would just go away, I dream about going to sleep and waking up free from this nightmare.

I just don't know how to pick myself up again, its constant the ups and the downs.

Where to from here, I have no idea I really don't and I am scared.

xx

[Guest countrybumpkins]

Don't know what else to put as the subject!!!!

Have had such a bad week or so, I put myself on an internet ban as I was googling like a mad woman. My OCD had a huuuuuuuuuuuuuge spike. I got a head cold, sinus congestion and convinced myself I had HIV from the last incident I posted about.

I went a little bit crazy I think, sat up til 2 or 3 every morning searching the internet and then had to get up to the kids at 7 for school. So add OCD and tiredness and its not pretty.

I am a little better today hence why I have allowed myself to come on here.

I just feel so lonely and scared (i am almost in tears writing this) Just as you think you are doing better wham!!! It hits you again, its just so hard and I am so tired of it. I wish it would just go away, I dream about going to sleep and waking up free from this nightmare.

I just don't know how to pick myself up again, its constant the ups and the downs.

Where to from here, I have no idea I really don't and I am scared.

xx

i know how you fel sweetie,i have been of work for 11 weeeks and being alone all day is awful i am always putting myself down and feel things will never get better,if you want to talk im here anytime hugs

[Guest emsy]

Thank you so much, I really wasn't sure about logging on to the internet and the forum today, i don't know why but I was really nervous about it. I am glad I did. I am just about keeping it together for the kids sake but man inside I honestly feel like I am breaking down.

I am feeling a little better since coming back on here though, its reminded me a little bit of how to tackle this. I was feeling really overwhelmed.

[joanne123]

hey sorry to hear your not feeling so good. Are you on any meds at the mo

[Guest mummywithocd]

Emsy, I was just thinking about you before I logged onto here and was going to send you a pm to see how you were doing

That´s terrible that you´re having a bad time of it at the moment-but,you know, this will pass as it has done before but in the meantime it´s important to do things to keep your mind and self busy so the thoughts don´t get a chance to intrude and you don´t have the time to go online for reassurance.

I think prohibiting yourself from using this forum isn´t a good idea as it´s a great support (I think so anyway). I was and still am a crazy googler-nicknaming myself the google-queen lol but what I do to control my use of the internet is to give myself a time and a time limit and then completely shut down the computer until the next time. So If you log on in the morning for 3o minutes-shut down and them log on again in the evening when kids are gone to bed for another 30 minutes or so-then at least you´re getting the support that you need.

As regards the intrusive thoughts I completely sympathise with you as you know of my cancer fears and every niggle,itch ,bump and lump had me panicking. I remember wht you said to me a few months ago, you wrote "we live like we have the disease when we know that if wwe had the disease we would probably be alot stronger than we´re acting now" (along those lines anyway )

Don´t try and rationalise the thoughts either,that´s only playing the ocd at it´´s own game, just let the thoughts come and go,keep busy,get plenty of rest, stay away from the caffeine etc etc...and eventually the thoughts will lose their hold over you.

I find meeting up with other mums really calms me and clears my head-what about you, does meeting up with some friends for coffee make you feel a little better?

Anyway, better go,take care Emsy and keep in touch, you´ll be just fine,stay strong.H.xx

[Guest hope*]

Hi Emsy

Sorry to hear you have been feeling so bad. Its so horrible when it is bad isn't it.

This will pass - you can be sure of that and you will feel so much better. I feel great at the moment and wasn't so good a few weeks ago. There is hope.

You know the drill - but just to remind you: Don't engage with the thoughts, move away from them to the present moment and distract yourself as much as you can doing things you like to do.

See the thoughts as OCD thoughts, they are real, there is an element of truth in every ocd thoughts but with ocd, they are exaggerated and amplified beyond all reason.

Have to go, but hope you feel better very soon, pm me anytime.

take care

xx

[Guest emsy]

Thanks so much guys. You know as I sit here I am balling my eyes out, maybe it'll be cathartic!! I feel like there is a huge weight on my shoulders. I am so sick of micro examining my body and situations.

I just want to be normal, I don't want this to be my life. I have meds to take but do you think they will help? What if these thoughts are real, there is a battle currently raging in my head one side saying they are real and the other saying no way. I actually have a headache its so bad. What if what I fear really did happen and what if these symptoms are now manifestations of the disease I fear?

I don't even know why I fear HIV so much, I mean I know that there are meds out there and that people with HIV can live a long, happy and healthy life. Thats why I don't get why I am so scared of it, maybe its the stigma. I really don't know.

Sorry I am totally going on, not even sure if I am making any sense but its helps to type!

I know its tragic but I am in a real feeling sorry for myself state, I kepp thinking why me? Which I know is being a victim to OCD but I feel so weak at the moment as I don't know if my fears are real or OCD. The stupid thing is OCD about HIV is probably more of a prison than actually having the disease.

I just feel so stupid or weak I am not sure which.

Sorry guys I know I am ranting

xxx

[Guest emsy]

PS. Thank god for this site x

[Guest emsy]

I really don't know what to do, I live in the Middle East and there is nobody here to talk to, I am seriously starting to get worried about my mental state. I think everybody would be better off without me and my crazy mind.

All I do is make people unhappy.

[Guest mummywithocd]

Hey Emma-you´re not alone you know,you have all of us here and please pm me when ever you want

I know that being away from family and true friends can mean that there is no one you can talk to properly about this but is there anyone that you can meet for coffee and just a natter-something to take your mind off this-you really need to distract yourself-can you organise a playdate with another mum at one of those indoor play areas and head off for the day?

We´ve communicated on this forum fora few months now and I think you´re a lovely person, a loving mum and wife-this ocd is bringing you so down that it´s hard to see the wood from the trees at the moment-try and put the 4 steps into practise, when the intrusive thoughts come upon you label them for what they are and move onto something else. As for the anxiety, you need to keep yourself busy, get out in the fresh air (is it cooler there now??)

And what about skype do you have it and can you use it to keep in touch with family & friends??

Listen, I have to go now and give the kids their bath and stuff but I´ll be on and off the computer for most of the night if you need me.

take care Emma, and things WILL get better xxxx

[Guest emsy]

Thanks so much, I don't know I just think that I don't know where the end will come, I mean a tormented life is not one that I want to live, it really isn't.

Its still 40 degrees and skype is banned lol!!! Not that I mind too much, you get used to it.

Sorry, I am just feeling down and that I need to escape this.

Thank so much for your help, I really appreciate it,

[Guest Steve1983]

Hey emsy,

I understand your fears, I have been through the same thing. It is horrible.I don't think you are weak or stupid.

What kind of support netowrk do you have there in Oman, Where in Oman are you? Are you within Muscat?

[Guest mummywithocd]

I know Emma, when we are completely in the grips of an ocd episode (and I call it that because ocd seems to wax and wane) it is so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. But there is light, this is just a bip-we all have them,the key s to recognise when the thoughts are ocd thoughts (usually the intrusive unwanted ones) and nip it in the bud before it escalates,

As someone mentioned on a different thread "if it feels like ocd then it is ocd" and then work on that rather than trying to rationalise the thought.

On a different note, how are things going in general over there, are you homesick? How are the kids?

Poor you still stuck with 40 degrees, it´s gone down to 30´s here

Take care and keep in touch H.x

[Guest emsy]

I am sorry guys I just don't feel like I can go on. I know it sounds pathetic but its just too hard.

[Guest Supermammy1]

Hey I'm sorry to hear ur feeling so bad but ur strong u can overcome this we're all here for u don't let this defeat u r u on meds Hun?!x

[Guest mummywithocd]

Emma, have you ever felt this low before-I know I did,when I was pregnant with my son and afterwards I felt like the anxiety and thoughts were suffocating me-the thoughts were like a game of ping pong going on in my head. I was so emotionally exhausted from it all.

Can you talk to your husband about this? what about your doctor?

You´re not alone in this Emma, there is help for you. I know you´re feeling alone and isolated now being so far away from home and all but you have a whole community of support online here for you. Please stay strong, you can fight this!

Sending you a big hug xxxx

[Guest mummywithocd]

Emma, have you ever felt this low before?

[Guest hope*]

Hi Emsy

Really sorry to hear you are feeling so so bad. It will definitely get better, you need to ride this out. Easier said than done. It will definitely pass and you will feel better. When we are the middle of a bad ocd phase, it feels like we always feel bad, but there are good times its just impossible to remember them when feeling bad. Distract yourself as much as possible and you can pm me or call me anytime (I'll give you my number). OCD is so hard, it makes our feelings so exaggerated and scarey. I can have some really low times but I always come back out of them. I feel very good now, you can get there too. Are you on meds?

Take care and big hugs

Hopex

[Guest emsy]

Thanks so much to all of you for your kind words. I haven't felt this bad in years. I truly feel like I an suffocating, it is the worst feeling. Everybody is suffering, I'm being awful to my kids and husband, ignoring my friends. It just feels like it's all too hard.

I'm so grateful to have you guys. I have the meds. I haven't started them yet. 15mg cipralex.

Maybe this episode is a signal that I should start them but I'm scared.

[Guest Supermammy1]

Hey emsy u r goin through such a hard time and we know how hard it is and the most scariest time but u will get through this take one day at a time and u should defiantly start ur meds they will help ease ur symptoms b strong and mail me anytime x