New - my ocd story...

[rachel23]

I've been coming on this forum every now and then for years but have never posted...here goes...

I've suffered from OCD for around 10 years now, was diagnosed 2 years ago. My ocd focuses on intrusive thoughts and mental rituals, at the beggining it was thoughts about myself - eg thoughts that I had cancer, wanted to become a man (!!) - I knew they were silly really but I would spend hours on end thinking about the thoughts and analysing them, they overtook my life and I struggled everyday but I knew it was ocd. A few years ago the thoughts started focusing on inaapropriate sexual thoughts and these are the thoughts that still torment me to this day.

I cannot tell you how many hours I have spent over the years going over the thoughts, how I feel about the thoughts, asking myself if I find the thoughts pleasurable, asking why me, wondering if I'll ever live worry free again...etc! As I said before I kinda self diagnosed before I got an official diagnosis and had cbt 2 years ago and even though they I used to get in a real state, I could always reassure myself it wasn't me, it was the ocd and I struggled on through life.

Let me explain to you that when I experience these awful thoughts I feel fearful, anxious, hot, overcome with panic and feel the need to go over and over them in my mind and even sometimes to think of new thoughts just to check I don't enjoy thinking them! Over time I have gone over and over these awful thoughts and asking myself if I did really commit that thought would I enjoy it. Unfortunately sometimes I think to myself that yes I would enjoy it, I did enjoy the thought, which then makes me feel horrific and that just starts the whole cycle off again - my therapist said sometimes ocd can make u feel as though u enjoy the thought, it can twist your mind when you over analyse things and think so deeply into things. Has anybody else experienced this? I remember reading on here about a lady that got thoughts of passionately kissing her children then she started to believe she would enjoy it and that she was enjoying the thought. You could tell from her posts she was hugely disstressed but looking in on the situation from outside to me it sounded completely like ocd.

I'm doing ok at the moment, I'm going through a slight blip but I'm fighting hard and I must admit I do find it easier to not engage with the thoughts nowdays and just trying on living life as best as normal. I have been at rock bottom before where I couldn't sleep for months, couldn't eat, the thoughts were making me vomit, I felt as though I was an outsider and couldn't connect with human beings. I got so much better but I still have my periods of awfulness. I experience a reall blip for a few months around a year ago but I carried on my life, I fought so hard, I made myself go to work everyday and I can really remember going christmas shopping when it was the last thing I wanted to do but I made myslef and I did get better.

It does just devastate me how much of my life has been wasted on this awful disease (if it is ocd that I have, that's one of my worries, but I know many people feel this way and is called the doubting disease)! So many memories clouded with my ocd thoughts. I'm a completely normal happy go lucky girl and an outsider wouldnt have a clue what I'm suffering from, my friends and collegues wouldnt have a clue! I do ask myself often why me but we must never give up and I guess we must make the best of life carrying this burden. When I feel well and I don't experience any thoughts I do feel amazing and I adore life, we are all such strong and brave individuals and we must never ever give up the fight to this evil disease.

Sorry I have written so much but I needed to let it all out and it has been rather theraputic!

xx

[Guest Steve1983]

Hello,

I liked your post. Like you, my OCD is largely invisible. My thought process is very repetative and I go over thoughts in my head, over and over again.Thoughts that upset me and I cant let them go. I am having a hard time getting a diagnoses from the doctors. My CBT therapist had no idea what I was talking about when I mentioned pure obsession or OCD without overt traits.

It is good that you are fighting it and going to work etc. Like you, I remember times when I used to be happy and care free, and I am looking forward to being that way once again. Good luck

[Guest Elle Belle]

Hi Rachel,

I enjoyed your post too and identified with a lot of it.

OCD is a burden and a bully. Somebody pointed something out to me here when I was feeling down: please remember that you are the happy carefree girl you describe. OCD is just a small, unwanted part of you.

Welcome to the forums.

E xxx