Back Again

[Gerard]

Hello everyone,

I hope you're all bearing up under the OCD strain.

I'm back with my begging bowl for support again.

Maybe some of you might remember that I joined this website 2 years ago when I was getting intrusive thoughts of infidelity to my wife with a woman at work.

It was awful, truly hell on earth. But you all got me through it and I now have a great friendship with that woman and the terrors have gone entirely.

Magnificent.

But I'm now getting intrusive thoughts, and breathless terrors about another woman at work. We've always got on incredibly well and been great friends. I've had intrusive thoughts about her before but they always passed.

Though I think this woman has a pretty face, I've never fancied her or fantasised about her or anything.

We've always just had this very pally, laddish, bantery friendship and made each other laugh a lot.

As some of you might know from my previous posts, I have very, very strict rules about how I relate to any woman other than my wife. I don't flirt, I don't make even jokey comments about finding other women attractive...nothing at all like that. I just don't go there. My loyalty and devotion to my wife is total.

This woman started another relationship (about which I was really happy because she'd been very badly treated by her ex). She started to lose weight and was obviously becoming more and more confident about her appearance. This freaked me out because, to be honest, she was no longer "playing the role" of this girl with whom I had a very bantery relationship. I started to notice her appearance in a different way and it really started to disturb me. But I was able to handle it.

But the thoughts got particularly severe when I felt she started being distant with me because of some all-round tension at work. She became friends with another guy at work and I guess I felt I'd lost her as my friend. That's when the thoughts started getting really severe. Her being distant with me was something I'd never have thought her capable of and it kind of freaked me out. I started being distant with her in response and the thoughts got even worse.

But I decided that I was just going to be kind and loving to her however she treated me and things got better. But just recently the thoughts and breathless "whooshes" have got bad again. They are identical to the syndrome I suffered with the other woman at work. It doesn't terrify me out of my wits as it did the first time around because "I've been here before" so to speak. But it still is awfully frightening.

I'll think about an intimate situation with my wife, or remember a lovely memory we share, and then have intrusive thoughts about being in that same situation with this other woman.

This new woman has recently fallen pregnant and I think that's made the thoughts worse too. I get intrusive thoughts about having children with her, having sex with her (or imagining her and her new partner having sex).

I just hate it. I want to be left alone to enjoy my marriage and my life with my wife.

It passed before and I know it'll pass again but I just need support.

All love to you,

Gerardxx

[joanne123]

hey i am quite new here so did not see your other post about the other lady at work but you got through it first time and i believe you will get through these new thoughts although it is difficult. Just tell yourself this is my ocd it is not real and i have been here before and got through so i can do it again and i will. Your stronger than you realise.

[Gerard]

Thank you so much, Joanne. I know I'll get through it with support from people like you.

But I am suffering at the moment and must open up as much as possible.

Love,

Gx.

[Guest akkers1]

I so understand what you are going through. I have intrusive thoughts about my ex and they drive me crazy. I don't want him in my head space, I don't even really care about him, but it just doesn't go. I am trying to see it as OCD and take the sting out of it, but it's still there. I don't have any advice for you as I need it myself!! I get mental images too about him and his partner. It makes me feel like i must be jealous, but honestly I am happy in my marriage so what the heck??!!! Any advice anyone for either of us???!

[Gerard]

One thing I can say, Akkers, is that it will pass. I have been through an OCD ambush identical to the one I am currently experiencing (see my original post). It was truly was horrendous beyond words and I was suicidal.

There were times when I just felt like I was going to being a state of breathless terror for the rest of my life. But it's OVER now :-)

OK so my OCD has now got me obsessing about another lady at work, but it's nowhere near as bad as the first experience because I've been here before.

This ambush will pass....and then ambush me about something else! But that's OK - I'm prepared for that because I know I've got an illness called Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

I know this might sound strange coming from me, but just trust that you'll get through this. Go to see the doctor (if you haven't already), and use this website for support.

We all know what you're going through.

Love and a hug,

Gerardx.

Edited September 25, 2011 by Gerard

[Guest hope*]

Hi Gerard

Hope things get easier for you.

See the thoughts as real but totally exaggerated thoughts due to OCD. I find that helpful, saying they aren't real doesn't help me at all, as there is an element of truth in all the ocd thoughts but saying to myself that they are totally exaggerated and amplified beyond belief by ocd does help me. Does that make sense. OCD magnifies our thoughts and heightens our anxiety.

And of course distraction is a great tool to having a clearer perspective on things as the more you engage in the thoughts, the more severe the anxiety and it becomes a vicious circle.

Good luck and you know you will get through this and it will pass

Take care

Hope

[Gerard]

Thank you so much, Hope.

Whilst I am not sure I agree with you that "there is an element of truth in all OCD thoughts" (I have had intrusive thoughts about attacking people I love, including my wife, and I can assure you that I have not the remotest impulse to do anything of the sort - if anything the polar opposite), I do agree with you wholeheartedly that I must be strong about not engaging with the thoughts.

For me, the essential truth about OCD is that it always gives me intrusive thoughts about damaging / destroying / acting counter to the people / values I hold most dear to me heart (eg my wife, children, my integrity...I'm sure you know exactly what I mean).

That's the nub of it - and I just loathe this illness more than I could ever put in to words.

But thank you so much, Hope. Your generosity of spirit in taking time out from your day to support me blows me away.

I passionately hope to get the chance to support you at some point as you have supported me today.

All love,

Gx.

Edited September 25, 2011 by Gerard

[Guest hope*]

God I know what you mean, there is no element of truth in those ocd thoughts you have at all. Sorry, was only thinking of my ocd thoughts. There has been an element of truth in all my ocd thoughts, ie feeling really bad that I'm not giving enough money to the third world, feeling wary of certain people or inadequate around other people or irritated by others - there is a real reason why I feel this way with these people but its blown out of proportion with OCD and exaggerates the anxiety.

Thank you and its no problem to give support to you, you are such a gentleman. But its nice to have it appreciated!

Take care

Hope

[Gerard]

Cheers, Hope - you're a star.

Gx.

[Guest nic]

It doesn't half come back and bite you on the bum each time, doesn't it my lovely? This is the nature of the illness, this is what it does, the evil little toad chooses what you are most scared of and WHAM! Without wanting to tempt fate, I am relatively well at the mo , partly because of the ton of prozac I take every day, partly because of time and partly because of practising "not being arsed with the thoughts". The other day I saw DR Who [which incidentally is not half as good now the delicious David Tennant has gone, I digress] but the subject of the programme was similar to OCD. Basically there was a horrid hotel which had a room for everyone, which showed people thier worst fears. So for you, it would have shown you with someone other than your wife, for me becoming contaminated by something and passing it on to my kids. Sound familiar? The hotel is like a part of our brain, the door opens to the thought , the thought fills you with fear and well, you know the rest. What I say is this, accept that the thought is there, accept that that part of your brain exists, don't fight it, but practise looking at it, even ridiculing it. Practise not being scared of it. At the end of the day , EVERYONE has bad thoughts [even the normal ones, if you know what I mean] The difference between being well and being ill is learning to look at the thoughts and not be bothered by them. OCD lies to you, you know that, your rational mind knows that , so practise glimpsing at the truth, , but also pratise seeing thoughts and just knowing they are lies, and they will go. Now, unfortunately there is no inspirational quote as I have to pick my kids up from school now, but i shall no doubt find one and put it on for you. You don't get away with it that easily , young man, love nic xxxxxxxxx

[Gerard]

You are such a wonderful person, darlin Nic.

No inspirational quotes needed. You just ARE inspirational full stop.

I'm delighted you're feeling good at the moment, darlin.

Love, the hugest of hugs....and THANK YOU once again, Nic.

Gxxxxxxx.