new here and in a very bad way

[Guest TurnipsRing]

Hello everyone I'm new, sorry to sound miserable by saying I'm in a bad way but that's the way it is. I have extremely severe ocd plus anxiety and BPD traits. However right now my OCDis taking over my every waking moment. I am so obsessed with contamination I literally spend all a day and night trying to avoid it. I usually don't eat, drink or sleep, haven't slept in my bed since December as I'm afraid of bringing contamination into the bed. Also haven't even been in the shower since January...been cleaning myself with antibacterial household wipes, I know its gross but that's how screwed up my head is right now plus the last time I was in the shower I spent 7 hours in there and now I'm scared of it . I have developed a kidney infection through all this have gone down to 6 and a half stones and am due to be tested for malnutrition. I was originally seen on the NHS but they diagnosed me with social phobia and took away my CPN and all other support so I discharged myself and recently saw a psychiatrist privately who age me a proper diagnosis and suggested meds. However I am very sensitive to them and have ended up in A&E twice with severe side effects. Started on Prozac and was ok on that apart from nausea so came off but the nausea remanied so I was diagnosed with IBS and went back on them then I was given meds for IBS which sent me into a&e so I swore off all meds and for a while although the OCD symptoms were bad they were tolerable and I was making some imrovements then suddenly they got worse again, much much worse just a few weeks ago after I started getting stressed about my physical health as I have several chronic conditions that have all come to a head the past couple of years and am in and out of hospitals to see consultants. I went back on the prozac but oddly that time around I developed side effects which scared me...they weren't horrific but they frightened me as I was worried they'd

get worse, pins and needles and restless legs and twitching so I came of them again and told the psychiatrist ad she said she didn't think it was the prozac as the symptoms continued after I stopped taking them but the thing is I was on Mirtazapine once and it took me a year to get over the side effects of that once I came off it so I know it happens. Just wondering if anyone else can help shed any light on this or has any ideas, I am feeling very low and quite desperate right now, although starting psychotherapy tomorrow. Thanks so much and nice to meet you all.

[Guest missmarple]

Hi there - you poor thing - just wanted to say hello. I have contamination OCD too - revolves around showering and food. The best thing you can do is get a therapist to help you with ERP whereby you face your fears in a slow controlled way. It's really hard but it does work. I have several physical illnesses too so I know how the OCD makes it all so much worse. You are not alone. I can only take a tiny bit of SSRI - not really enough to help OCD but takes the edge off the depression. Is the psychotherapy you are starting CBT as that is what will help you most in my experience?

[Guest LucyS]

I really feel for you and wanted to say good luck for tomorrow - hopefully the cbt will really begin to help you. I am 3 weeks into cbt and finding it great so far - although we're still at the talking and unpicking the ocd stage, it seems to be lifting my mood, so hopefully it really will yours too. I think when you're left high and dry without treatment (other than pills) you can feel extremely alone and desperate, doing something proactive and with support might make the world of difference to you. X

[Guest hope*]

Hello

You poor thing, you are really having it very tough. My heart goes out to you. I don't have contamination ocd, just pure o, just thoughts. Have you had CBT and ERP for this yet - these are the best treatments for it, even better than meds. Its a shame the meds don't work as they can take the edge off the anxiety. There are also lots of books on this website that are good for treating ocd. Maybe pm ashley for a good recommendation on a contamination ocd one.

Thinking of you and will say a little prayer that you get some respite from this hideous disease.

Take care

Hopexx

[Jinky]

Hi TR,

Just thought I'd say hi and welcome.You'll find lots of great support on the forums, and I hope you feel better soon. I really feel for you, keep posting.

Ooba x

[Guest PaulM]

I have contamination OCD as well. Like you I have a big fear of bringing contamination to my bed. I rarely sleep in it. So, thank you for helping me feel not so alone in that.

A shower usually takes me 1 hour or slightly longer. But only at home. Anywhere else it's more like a half an hour.

But there is progress. When my OCD first manifested itself I could not cook because of an incident with meat. At the time I could not have imagined handling meat or cooking again. And I used to enjoy it. I avoided the kitchen and ate out all the time because I couldn't cope with it. Now I have no problem handling food again. I even had a job a year ago in a cafe. What a great experience that was! In some ways it was like CBT but with coworkers it was actually fun!

Now if I could fix it on the other fronts...

[Guest FobicFairy]

Hi TP,

From what you say its as though you are so caught up in your fears that you are unable to see the bigger picture and I think possibly you are so worried about side effects because of a bad experience that you are seeing problems where there are none. You have admitted that you had side effects but that you came off the meds and they carried on.

I think you are so embroiled in all the details you can't see the wood for the trees. I think its right that you see a therapist before you start ERP or CBT because you need to untangle the separate problems then see what can be done to tackle them. Its a shame you keep coming off the meds because although they can be unpleasant for the first 2 to 4 weeks, after that they start to work, you get the edge taken off the anxiety and are more likely to suceed at ERP/CBT.

If you are level 1 or 2 you can have CBT in the community for a set period and then should be able to carry on alone. If you are a higher level with many complications then you may need more help. I was in hospital having ERP for 6 months because as well as OCD I had severe depression, but even in the specialist hospitals they wont always take you if you are not stable enough to concentrate on recovery and to get people stable usually they want you to be on meds first. That was certainly the case when I was in hospital in 2007.

I think before you do anything else you need to talk to a psychiatrist about all the issues and trust them to start you off on a care plan. You should be given a number to call if you get into a state, possibly meds, someone to call if you think you are having side effects who can tell you if the feelings you have are med related or your fears triggering responses in your body.

I am not medically trained and I only speak from having had OCD for 10 years and being severe enough to have 6 months inpatient treatment, during that time I met a lot of other people with OCD and learned a lot about the 'system' and the criteria people had to fit before getting treatment, and why some people couldnt be treated.

I just think you need 1 professional to juggle your support, and that person needs to be someone you trust. Otherwise this could go on and on indefinately.

FF

[Guest sweetie]

Hi,

Sorry to hear you having such a bad time of it at the moment. I wanted to reply also to let you know that I think that some people are affected badly by some medicines with twitching etc. My friend was once on a high dose of Venlafaxine and last year started fitting while taking these. It started with twitching and restless legs which got worse and then her arms and legs moulded themselves into strange positions. She was taken off the Venlafaxine immediately. She was tested for stroke and no evidence for that was found. She is now on Mirtazapine and she is twitching again, particularly at night. I think some people are adversely affected by some meds.

Sometimes it seems we can exchange one set of problems for another. Although my friend thinks the Mirtazapine isn't really doing much for her.

I too had my CPN taken away from me.. not because I'm better but because I couldn't get on with the new one I was allocated and they were not prepared to give me anyone else. The problem is if you don't click with the person they not much of a support.

I think it sounds like you do need more support. I am surprised that yours was taken away.. I tend to phone the Health Matters Helpline when I need support and they are pretty good. Perhaps something like that might be of benefit to you.

I do hope you get the support you need and the psychotherapy helps you. Look after yourself.

xx

[Guest FobicFairy]

I think finding someone you click with is really important. I have been luckier than most, I just had 1 person let me down. I had a CPN who told me to accept how things were because it wasn't going to get any better!!! I thought she had read my records and that there was no hope for me, it turned out she hadn't read anything about my case and knew sod all. But that was a minority case and everyone else has been quite good at dealing with me, so I hope you don't think they are all bad.

FF